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Rachel-K
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Liz and Lauren

Thinking back over her relationship with her daughter, Liz imagines herself “bowing to Lauren, acknowledging Lauren. Had she somehow failed to do that? She couldn’t think of anything more important for a mother to do." Why would nothing be more important than this kind of acknowledgment of one’s child? Why does Liz choose the word “bowing”?

Is Liz guilty in any way? This is a woman who truly enjoys mothering, who seems to treat it as a calling almost, studying it, framing her life around it.

Did you find yourself looking for whose fault this was?
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kiakar
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Re: Liz and Lauren



rkubie wrote:
Thinking back over her relationship with her daughter, Liz imagines herself “bowing to Lauren, acknowledging Lauren. Had she somehow failed to do that? She couldn’t think of anything more important for a mother to do." Why would nothing be more important than this kind of acknowledgment of one’s child? Why does Liz choose the word “bowing”?

Is Liz guilty in any way? This is a woman who truly enjoys mothering, who seems to treat it as a calling almost, studying it, framing her life around it.

Did you find yourself looking for whose fault this was?




I do find myself wanting to put the blame on someone. I have always believed that the failure of a child is somehow the fault of the parents. Whether they can help this or not. A parent is the first with that child, teaches everything until they are old enought to go to school except for when they are in childcare and parents have the right to control that. Maybe Liz was trying to make Lauren independent until this happened and now she seems to be going overboard protecting her. She bows to her in a way of always trying to make her happy and before she excepted that some time Lauren had to be unhappy. Now, sh eis afraid to let Lauren be sad or unhappy about anything. But I still do not feel that Liz or her husband had any clues that Lauren was this unhappy, maybe they could have talked more openly about her relationships at school and the fact she didnt have many friends. But then again, it might not of helped the situation. I know with my girls, I have three girls, all grown and thru college and married but when they would sit home I would encourage friendships even offering to take them places. And when one wanted to spend too much time with just one friend, girl or boy, I always discouraged that. If you limit yourself to one friend you are more vunable to getting hurt when its over. Especially teens.
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AnnPacker
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Registered: ‎10-10-2007
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Re: Liz and Lauren



kiakar wrote:


rkubie wrote:
Thinking back over her relationship with her daughter, Liz imagines herself “bowing to Lauren, acknowledging Lauren. Had she somehow failed to do that? She couldn’t think of anything more important for a mother to do." Why would nothing be more important than this kind of acknowledgment of one’s child? Why does Liz choose the word “bowing”?

Is Liz guilty in any way? This is a woman who truly enjoys mothering, who seems to treat it as a calling almost, studying it, framing her life around it.

Did you find yourself looking for whose fault this was?




I do find myself wanting to put the blame on someone. I have always believed that the failure of a child is somehow the fault of the parents. Whether they can help this or not. A parent is the first with that child, teaches everything until they are old enought to go to school except for when they are in childcare and parents have the right to control that. Maybe Liz was trying to make Lauren independent until this happened and now she seems to be going overboard protecting her. She bows to her in a way of always trying to make her happy and before she excepted that some time Lauren had to be unhappy. Now, sh eis afraid to let Lauren be sad or unhappy about anything. But I still do not feel that Liz or her husband had any clues that Lauren was this unhappy, maybe they could have talked more openly about her relationships at school and the fact she didnt have many friends. But then again, it might not of helped the situation. I know with my girls, I have three girls, all grown and thru college and married but when they would sit home I would encourage friendships even offering to take them places. And when one wanted to spend too much time with just one friend, girl or boy, I always discouraged that. If you limit yourself to one friend you are more vunable to getting hurt when its over. Especially teens.






This is such an interesting issue! It's one that really preoccupies me. Is "everything" the parents' fault (or credit)? Where does temperament come in? In darker moments I feel responsible for every problem I see my kids experience, but at other times I get some relief from the idea that so much of behavior is genetic. I'm interested in all of the research into how genes contribute to the ways we operate in the world. I think it would be great if I could just take away all the questions of fault and responsibility and just accept that things are as they are, for many reasons. And that you then go forward to the best of your ability. I guess it's good to have a goal for how one thinks, in addition to how one acts!

-Ann


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kiakar
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Re: Liz and Lauren



AnnPacker wrote:


kiakar wrote:


rkubie wrote:
Thinking back over her relationship with her daughter, Liz imagines herself “bowing to Lauren, acknowledging Lauren. Had she somehow failed to do that? She couldn’t think of anything more important for a mother to do." Why would nothing be more important than this kind of acknowledgment of one’s child? Why does Liz choose the word “bowing”?

Is Liz guilty in any way? This is a woman who truly enjoys mothering, who seems to treat it as a calling almost, studying it, framing her life around it.

Did you find yourself looking for whose fault this was?




I do find myself wanting to put the blame on someone. I have always believed that the failure of a child is somehow the fault of the parents. Whether they can help this or not. A parent is the first with that child, teaches everything until they are old enought to go to school except for when they are in childcare and parents have the right to control that. Maybe Liz was trying to make Lauren independent until this happened and now she seems to be going overboard protecting her. She bows to her in a way of always trying to make her happy and before she excepted that some time Lauren had to be unhappy. Now, sh eis afraid to let Lauren be sad or unhappy about anything. But I still do not feel that Liz or her husband had any clues that Lauren was this unhappy, maybe they could have talked more openly about her relationships at school and the fact she didnt have many friends. But then again, it might not of helped the situation. I know with my girls, I have three girls, all grown and thru college and married but when they would sit home I would encourage friendships even offering to take them places. And when one wanted to spend too much time with just one friend, girl or boy, I always discouraged that. If you limit yourself to one friend you are more vunable to getting hurt when its over. Especially teens.






This is such an interesting issue! It's one that really preoccupies me. Is "everything" the parents' fault (or credit)? Where does temperament come in? In darker moments I feel responsible for every problem I see my kids experience, but at other times I get some relief from the idea that so much of behavior is genetic. I'm interested in all of the research into how genes contribute to the ways we operate in the world. I think it would be great if I could just take away all the questions of fault and responsibility and just accept that things are as they are, for many reasons. And that you then go forward to the best of your ability. I guess it's good to have a goal for how one thinks, in addition to how one acts!

-Ann




Ann, I didn't mean to apply that parents should blame them selves. Of course we do whether we should or not.But we are the best we know how to be and that is all we can do. Some parents do not try, maybe because their parents didn't. That is they do not give them the proper attention, such as playing games with them, teaching them rules and giving consequences when they are not followed. These are just plain caring things you do and then you sit back and pray and cross your fingers. Some parents either can't or do not care to teach children the basics. Alot of time its the fault of economy or only one parent is present and then there is not enought income or time for nuturing. I was a single Mom a a long while and you just naturally give alittle bit more, I know I did. And it all worked out. But its a big waiting game, we just do our best. But if Lauren had a mental illness, this may have not have stemmed from her raising. And the parents seemed very delicated to her in every way. Parenting is a hard road that some people do not think about long enought anymore.
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Rachel-K
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Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: Liz and Lauren

I was glad of Liz's involvement with yoga--that it was a part of her thinking. That attitude of acceptance, of being, of flow, of change--all was a part of Liz's intentional mental landscape. I'm not sure that it helped! Did it? I simply can't see how I could keep from blaming myself in her situation. I also have the feeling that if it *were* possible to simply accept your own (and your kids') imperfections and mistakes, that your kids would be even more likely to pick up independence and confidence from you, and would therefore develop good coping skills--but isn't that whole convoluted train of thought just a sneaky means of trying to take on that same sense of being responsible for everything?

After being caught up in Liz's thoughts, I would close the book and feel so very happy that my kids are so young and still curl up on my shoulders to fall asleep!

Rachel
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kiakar
Posts: 3,435
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: Liz and Lauren



rkubie wrote:
I was glad of Liz's involvement with yoga--that it was a part of her thinking. That attitude of acceptance, of being, of flow, of change--all was a part of Liz's intentional mental landscape. I'm not sure that it helped! Did it? I simply can't see how I could keep from blaming myself in her situation. I also have the feeling that if it *were* possible to simply accept your own (and your kids') imperfections and mistakes, that your kids would be even more likely to pick up independence and confidence from you, and would therefore develop good coping skills--but isn't that whole convoluted train of thought just a sneaky means of trying to take on that same sense of being responsible for everything?

After being caught up in Liz's thoughts, I would close the book and feel so very happy that my kids are so young and still curl up on my shoulders to fall asleep!

Rachel





But Rachel, Time Flies. It's like a Song that is out now, Country Music, "Don't Blink" It says everytime you blink, they are grown, through school and married and their kids are grown and have kids and then you are old. Yes, that song is true for me. It seems like yesterday that mine were babies on my shoulder. And the oldest of forty Seven and the youngest of 37.
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