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Distinguished Wordsmith
Raven_Lunatic
Posts: 302
Registered: ‎10-13-2008

How NOT to write 101- Metaphor Madness

So you're trying to write a story, but your draft needs some spicing up. "Aha", you say, "I'll throw in a few metaphors and similes. You can't go wrong with a good metaphor, can you?"

 

Yes, yes you can. Tragically, catastrophically wrong. Take this lesson to heart, ye aspiring writers, for it does not get much worse than this. Well, maybe the sex scene on the next few pages, but it's a tough call. (Don't worry, the latter link is probably safe for work, as the action is buried under the staggering weight of a thousand tortured comparisons).

 

And yes, this drivel actually got published, God help us. The author obviously blackmailed someone in the publishing agency.

 

In the spirit of the book, I must now compare this putrid piece of purple prose (purple? Heck, it's ultraviolet!) to a mongoose's fart on a windy day, the sheen of nailpolish on an elk's big toe, and the howling chartruese agony of an unopened can of motor oil. Which makes about as much sense as anything else.

 

PS. Some twisted minds have illustrated this remarkble woman, she of the marmoset feet, amber tongue, and winking doll's eye navel. Creepy, and creepier.

 

_______________
"Fear not, for our army is strong and courageous."
"Just hope they don't sober up before we get there".
-Bored of the Rings
Distinguished Bibliophile
KathyS
Posts: 6,898
Registered: ‎10-19-2006

Re: How NOT to write 101- Metaphor Madness


Raven_Lunatic wrote:

So you're trying to write a story, but your draft needs some spicing up. "Aha", you say, "I'll throw in a few metaphors and similes. You can't go wrong with a good metaphor, can you?"

 

Yes, yes you can. Tragically, catastrophically wrong. Take this lesson to heart, ye aspiring writers, for it does not get much worse than this. Well, maybe the sex scene on the next few pages, but it's a tough call. (Don't worry, the latter link is probably safe for work, as the action is buried under the staggering weight of a thousand tortured comparisons).

 

And yes, this drivel actually got published, God help us. The author obviously blackmailed someone in the publishing agency.

 

In the spirit of the book, I must now compare this putrid piece of purple prose (purple? Heck, it's ultraviolet!) to a mongoose's fart on a windy day, the sheen of nailpolish on an elk's big toe, and the howling chartruese agony of an unopened can of motor oil. Which makes about as much sense as anything else.

 

PS. Some twisted minds have illustrated this remarkble woman, she of the marmoset feet, amber tongue, and winking doll's eye navel. Creepy, and creepier.

 


 

Holy Mother of Pearl!  :smileytongue:  Did you aquire your pin name before or after you read this drivel?  You just had to share, didn't you! :smileyvery-happy:

 

I thought my metaphors were bad, these made me gag on my hairy tongue!  (and I'll be perfectly honest, I couldn't finish reading it) The art pieces look like my brain felt, after reading that ****. 

 

Well, if nothing else, it certainly got people to talk...probably sold a few more copies in the process! It takes all kinds.

Distinguished Wordsmith
Dreamer4ever
Posts: 411
Registered: ‎11-06-2008
0 Kudos

Re: How NOT to write 101- Metaphor Madness

Oh, gosh, that was distracting!! Yikes! :smileytongue: Could the author not just tell what was happening?? Yuck!!
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. --Mark Twain
Distinguished Wordsmith
Dreamer4ever
Posts: 411
Registered: ‎11-06-2008
0 Kudos

Re: How NOT to write 101- Metaphor Madness

Oh, and don't worry. I'm definitely taking the advice.

 

...Not that I could write good metaphors anyway...:smileywink:

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. --Mark Twain
Inspired Contributor
mapleann
Posts: 44
Registered: ‎10-19-2006

Re: How NOT to write 101- Metaphor Madness

Thanks. That was hilarious! 

 

Getting that published must have been as uncomfortable as the "viscid wetness" of aqueous fart on his thighs. I wonder if the author savored "the sent of [his] own musk and [his] nostrils flared and [his] tongue tasted the air like a snake's."

 

I personally enjoyed the buzzing pubes. LMAO.

Distinguished Bibliophile
Ryan_G
Posts: 3,295
Registered: ‎10-24-2008
0 Kudos

Re: How NOT to write 101- Metaphor Madness

Wow and Yuck
"I am half sick of shadows" The Lady of Shalott

http://wordsmithonia.blogspot.com