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Little_Jacky
Posts: 68
Registered: ‎01-29-2009
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Why can't real relationships be like they are in stories???!!!

I hate to vent but I feel like I need to!

I'm a hopeless romantic and I feel like the stories I read regardless if they are fictional or not should be a basis on how real relationships should be. Real relationships shouldn't be constant fights on how your a "financial liability" because you will have student loans when you graduate..Or you don't see any characters hating their loves quirks they seem to appreciate them and embrace them... but noooo not in real life. My boyfriend of almost 3 1/2 years just told me that my life is out of wack because I will be applying for graduate school instead of getting a job. And that will only add to my student loans that he says he will have no part of. I know it is stupid to think love should be like story books but I can't help but think it shouldn't be like it is now. I always felt love should be a partnership not a constant battle. I love my boyfriend and thought he was "the one"  but I don't see that he appreciates my quirks, talents or anything he just focuses on the "bad" or "flaws". Hes extremely traditional so me wanting to seek further education to ensure my salary and dream job are out of his mindset. I just can't help but think I should be seen as a princess or at least something important to him and the vibe i've been getting is the complete opposite. He expects me to constantly change and I feel I shouldnt have to if he truely loves me

 

I'm sorry for this HUGE post I just needed to get this all out and vent. ugh

 

Jacky

 

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L_Monty
Posts: 900
Registered: ‎12-30-2008

Re: Why can't real relationships be like they are in stories???!!!


Little_Jacky wrote:
I'm a hopeless romantic and I feel like the stories I read regardless if they are fictional or not should be a basis on how real relationships should be.

Well, by definition, if you're a hopeless romantic, you understand that that is a romanticism based on no hope at all. Which ought to be the first nomenclatural clue. Similarly, basing desires on how things should be, even if they're fictional, is the same basis on which some people express outrage at the lack of flying cars or time machines.


Real relationships shouldn't be constant fights on how your a "financial liability" because you will have student loans when you graduate
On the contrary, in a stagnating economy where specialized academic disciplines already offer few career openings, carrying a further 20-40-60,000 dollars of debt around your neck is something to discuss and argue about. Even in the best economy, academic positions commensurate with the expense of the study are slim to none.


Or you don't see any characters hating their loves quirks they seem to appreciate them and embrace them
Most novels with romantic conclusions, most novels in particular, also make no allowance for how people need to urinate or defecate either. Real life smells. Most novels don't include special exfoliating puffs and moisturizing body washes, facial peels and ointments. Quirks are easy to love when they don't steam bathrooms, smell bad, involve applications of ointments or the taking of pills. Most novels' display of quirks amounts to how someone lifts an eyebrow. Quirks actually involve that person trimming his eyebrows over the sink and maybe your slippers because he's lazy.


but noooo not in real life. My boyfriend of almost 3 1/2 years just told me that my life is out of wack because I will be applying for graduate school instead of getting a job. And that will only add to my student loans that he says he will have no part of.
Well, a), until you're married, they aren't his student loans. They're yours. If he wants to pay part of them, that's generous, but that shouldn't be expected. b) Have you noticed the massive financial crisis? Perhaps he's worried that you won't be able to live at all if you extend your debt by another $50,000-$100,000 with a non-technical degree to show for it. Maybe he's looking at the fact that your interest will bankrupt you both in the short term, while you could put off study and return to it in just a year or two once things are less frightening out there.


I know it is stupid to think love should be like story books but I can't help but think it shouldn't be like it is now.
Shouldn't be like a storybook, but isn't currently like one. Ergo, bad. Gotcha.


I always felt love should be a partnership not a constant battle. I love my boyfriend and thought he was "the one"  but I don't see that he appreciates my quirks, talents or anything he just focuses on the "bad" or "flaws".
Or maybe to him the "quirks" are "bad." Nobody can have any understanding of what you mean by "quirk," because you don't define it. What you think of as quirky could be really importunate and rude. In that case, you'd be the demanding party.


Hes extremely traditional so me wanting to seek further education to ensure my salary and dream job are out of his mindset.
All right, if that's the case, then why has this come up after three years? Wouldn't that be clear after seven days? If this has been his standpoint from the beginning, then why is it an issue now? Evidently, you already knew this attitude. Why did you date him this long?


I just can't help but think I should be seen as a princess or at least something important to him and the vibe i've been getting is the complete opposite.
Maybe he just can't help but think that he should be seen as a prince or at least something important to you, and the vibe he's been getting is the complete opposite.


He expects me to constantly change and I feel I shouldnt have to if he truely loves me
How so?
Melissa_W
Posts: 4,124
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Re: Why can't real relationships be like they are in stories???!!!

Because they aren't - a relationship in a book is the fictional creation of a human and set in a fictional world where all the rules are contrived, be the world reality-based or not.

 

It also depends on what types of stories you read.  Stories where love conquers all provide a greatly distorted view of reality.  However, humans have a tendency to like happy endings.  Story-telling has been an escapist activity for years.

 

And to echo Monty - the economy is in the toilet.  If you're already fighting about money, employment situation, etc. you need to sit down and talk.  We live in stressful times and the importance of communication and compromise can't be emphasized enough.

Melissa W.
I read and knit and dance. Compulsively feel yarn. Consume books. Darn tights. Drink too much caffiene. All that good stuff.
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debbook
Posts: 1,823
Registered: ‎05-03-2008

Re: Why can't real relationships be like they are in stories???!!!

Oh Monty, do you not understand women at all? When they say they want to vent, just let them, don't try reasoning, that's not what we want. Do you get into trouble with your wife? Be honest.

 

 

Little_Jacky- it sounds like you already know the answers about what to do about your relationship. Good Luck!

A room without books is like a body without a soul.~ Cicero...
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Everyman
Posts: 9,216
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: Why can't real relationships be like they are in stories???!!!

Bingo, debbook.  I'll have to break my anti-Laurel-giving resolution yet again for this post.

 

It took me quite a few years to figure out about (mostly femals) "trouble talking" vs. (mostly male) "solution talking."  Even now I get sucked into trying to focus on solving a problem my wife is having when in reality all she wants from me is a listening ear so she can trouble talk the issue.  

 


debbook wrote:

Oh Monty, do you not understand women at all? When they say they want to vent, just let them, don't try reasoning, that's not what we want. Do you get into trouble with your wife? Be honest.

 

 

Little_Jacky- it sounds like you already know the answers about what to do about your relationship. Good Luck!


 

 

_______________
I think, therefore I drive people nuts.
Frequent Contributor
Little_Jacky
Posts: 68
Registered: ‎01-29-2009
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Re: Why can't real relationships be like they are in stories???!!!

      I guess I should have clarified myself better. I dated him this long because until recently we did have that "story book romance" and it was perfect. What has changed was he's a senior and is graduating with a good job (which is great! and I am soo happy for him!) . But now he's transformed from amazing, funny, wonderful guy to still amazing, not as funny, serious guy. overnight.

     Now it is constant criticism on his part on how I didn't listen to him and pick the career he thought would be best for me..or I'm stupid for grad school..or my family didn't care about me because they made the student loans in my name (his parents paid for his) I understand the economy crisis Iknow how bad it is..but I never would consider putting my loved one through hell because of it..I hate being talked down to and now our relationship is like he's my dad and I'm his puppet child. IT's rediculous.

 

p.s. thanks for the backup...girls just need to vent :smileywink: no matter how crazy

 

~jacky

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Everyman
Posts: 9,216
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: Why can't real relationships be like they are in stories???!!!

You mean they aren't??????
_______________
I think, therefore I drive people nuts.
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Everyman
Posts: 9,216
Registered: ‎10-19-2006

Re: Why can't real relationships be like they are in stories???!!!

Maybe you're just picking the wrong stories.  Take Othello, or Antigone -- I can show you a bunch of relationships that are JUST like that!  :smileyhappy:
_______________
I think, therefore I drive people nuts.
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pjpick
Posts: 1,043
Registered: ‎03-16-2007

Re: Why can't real relationships be like they are in stories???!!!

Ah, that's probably why stories w/romantic relationships are so popular--most things seem to work out in the end and we seem to focus on the happier moments/endings than the traumatic ones....I agree w/one of the other posters, I think you've already worked things out. We girls start problem solving during our vents and just seem to need to hear it out loud. My take on this is probably you have changed in the last 3.5 years--I mean grown as a person/become more enlightened, etc. (education has a tendency to do that) and you may not be the same person that he knew long ago.  But that's only a guess....I'm not sure of your field of study, but I do know there are many fields that almost require a master's degree to work in (at the minimum), maybe yours is one of those. Hang in there sistah!
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Paula717
Posts: 284
Registered: ‎12-27-2008

Re: Why can't real relationships be like they are in stories???!!!

Well said! You're absolutely right, women do need to vent now and again even if we already know what our reactions, answers and decisions will be.

 

One thing I've learned, after 10 years of marriage, is that both parties tend to over-react with their emotions. My husband & I have learned to keep things simple, have patience and show respect and now things couldn't be better. It took a death in the family to make us realize that life it short and we better make good use of the little time we may have on this earth.

To read without reflecting is like eating without digesting. - Edmund Burke