Middle Chapters: Caring for Aging Parents

[Stephanie]

Lydia and Margaret have a difficult time coping with their mother's decline, and her care has become solely their responsibility. This is, of course, a dilemma many people face. Would you make the same decisions Lydia and Margaret have?

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Note: This topic refers to events through Chapter 28. Some readers of this thread may not have finished the book. If you are referring to events that occur after Chapter 14, please use "Spoiler Warning" in the subject line of your post. Thanks!

[Dragonlady12]

I spent the better part of last year making these kinds of decisions for my grandmother. They are hard and you weigh every decision with how much you want them to be the same and how good you want their quality of life. I think Lydia and Margaret made great decisions. Alzheimers is not fun to deal with and it is hard to watch.

My doctor called me part of the "Sandwich Generation." Where we are now the caregivers for our children and our parents. It is very difficult to deal with the role reversal of now having to take care of a parent/grandparent. Within the next few years, it will be my mom and my MIL to deal with. At least, I have a little understanding of what is coming but it doesn't make it any easier.

The book raised good points though, talk to people, take the time to do the research, and trust your instincts.

[Ktrink]

My husband and I are in the midst of trying to get quality care for his Godmother (not a blood relative) The few local family she has basically seems to have "dumped" her into assisted living and she is afraid and lonely. I understand it is hard to see a loved one not the same as before but it is sad when you don't give them the respect they gave you in earlier days. The one plus through all this is my husband and I are learning so much about the care and legalities of caring for an elderly person. I hope if we are faced with our own family in a similar situation we are not so overwhelmed. God Bless all of you caring for aging parents and loved ones......what a blessing you are!! Kathy

[flutteringfly]

Many adults of all ages are dealing with having to decide what to do with their aging parents and/or grandparents that can no longer take care of themselves. I think that Lydia and Margaret dealt with the cards they were dealt very well when dealing with their mother especially being that she is showing signs of alzehiemers.

I myself saw how dementia took over my grandfather during my senior year of highschool and it was very hard to watch. Their was times when he remembered certain things but not is own children. I remember one instance where he knew who I was and called me by my name but had no clue who my father was (his own child who had passed away some 10+ years ago.)


Kris

[Reenie5]

As my parents and in-laws grow older, I see myself having to deal with this issue in some limited way down the road. My DH and I both come from large families, so it will be interesting to see how all of the input from so many of us will effect what decisions will be made. However, my parents and in-laws have both created living wills about such decisions to guide us...something I know they struggled without when my grandparents and husband's grandparents grew old.

[maxcat]

We went through the same thing with my mother-in-law a few years ago. It was a mess as she lived in Florida and we live in North Carolina. She was a strong willed lady and didn't want to come up here. So my husband moved her to a nursing home after going through guardianship proceedings and filing papers with the state saying she had no money. Medicaid picked up on everything as long as she had under a certain amount of money and they allowed her an allowance monthly. We had to sell her home which is no longer there due to Hurricane Charley two years ago. She missed that one as she passed away a couple of months beforehand. But it was all the trips to Florida; my husband made close to 20 trips that first year and almost got caught in Hurricane Floyd which devastated the eastern part of our state. I think after reading that chapter about Lydia's mother, it brought back all those memories and I think they are doing the right thing but should check with their local government as to paperwork. It can be financially draining keeping someone in a nursing home.

[johanna49]

I was my elderly mother's caregiver for 7 years. She passed away 4 1/2 years ago. I was definitely in the sandwich generation. My youngest son was in 5th grade when I was her primary caregiver and he was a senior in high school when my mother died. It was not easy.

[DutchMoeder]

Indeed I have made that decision in real life for my grandmother. I think that you have no choice at some point. If you have no ability to be in your home 24/7 you must get help.

They made the only decision in my opinion no matter how hard.

[LizzieAnn]

Lydia & Margaret made the best decision they could for all considered. It's not an easy decision to make, and they did not abandon their mother but truly care for her. During the Susannah's Garden discussion, this was a big topic. As mentioned elsewhere, this is the sandwich generation - the ones who have children and parents who need care.

[kiakar]

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Dragonlady12 wrote:
I spent the better part of last year making these kinds of decisions for my grandmother. They are hard and you weigh every decision with how much you want them to be the same and how good you want their quality of life. I think Lydia and Margaret made great decisions. Alzheimers is not fun to deal with and it is hard to watch.

My doctor called me part of the "Sandwich Generation." Where we are now the caregivers for our children and our parents. It is very difficult to deal with the role reversal of now having to take care of a parent/grandparent. Within the next few years, it will be my mom and my MIL to deal with. At least, I have a little understanding of what is coming but it doesn't make it any easier.

The book raised good points though, talk to people, take the time to do the research, and trust your instincts.

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This is really a hard topic; No time is the time for this kind of decisions that do have to be made. No one ever goes in to this with much pleasure. It has to be done but oh so hard on families. I think we realize that the end is near and we do not want to face it.

[patti322]

I believe Lydia and Margaret made the right decision for everyone. And as someone else mentioned, they did not abandon her. They made a decision to keep her safe and give her the best quality of life situation they could find. I think it is hard for us to see our parents grow weaker and dependent on us when we are use to drawing on our parents strength. Thanks Debbie for helping us see that there are many others like us going through the same dementia/Alzheimers dilemma.

[flynn31]

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Stephanie wrote:

Lydia and Margaret have a difficult time coping with their mother's decline, and her care has become solely their responsibility. This is, of course, a dilemma many people face. Would you make the same decisions Lydia and Margaret have?

---

Reply to this message to discuss any of these topics. Or start your own new topic by clicking "New Message."

Note: This topic refers to events through Chapter 28. Some readers of this thread may not have finished the book. If you are referring to events that occur after Chapter 14, please use "Spoiler Warning" in the subject line of your post. Thanks!

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Yes I would and yes I have. My mother needed 24-hour care 5 years ago before her death and I played a big part in her being admitted to a nursing home. She didn't like the idea of going, but once she was there she didn't want to go back home even for visits because she was so much more comfortable.
Dealing with the failure of a parent, especially a mother, was the most difficult thing I've ever faced.I told her, "Mom, you've mothered us all these years, now it's our turn to mother you, so please let us help you get the care you need Mom."
She was admitted in October and I made a special 300 mile trip to decorate her room for Christmas, putting candy canes on the tree for Mom to munch on. I have never regretted that sacrifice because it was her last Christmas.
I'm sure Margaret and Lydia are feeling the same as they make the decision to move their failing mother from assisted living to a nursing home.

[hocki]

When I was reading this series, I was hesitant to pass the books on to my mom. Everything that Lydia and Margaret had to go through with their mom, was two steps behind what we were dealing with with my grandmother. My mom and my aunt and I were making trying to convince my grandmother to move into an assisted living community, and then finally had to make the decision for her when she started having fainting spells.

She couldn't get her mind around the fact that it was her apartment and that she could come and go as she pleased. Then during dinner in the dining hall one night, her heart stopped -- if she had been alone in her condo, she wouldn't have had the quick care she received and the quick ride to the hospital. Of course, she then had to be moved to a little less independent facility.

My mom keeps telling me to take notes so that I know what to do when she becomes as stubborn as my grandmother was. Debbie does such a wonderful (and heart squeezing) job or telling the story of becoming the "parent" & decision maker for your parent.

Traci

[DebbieMacomber]

I had to make these very same decisions for my parents. One mother was the one with the declining mental capacity and as close as we were in the end she was more like my child than the mother I had always known.

Debbie

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Dragonlady12 wrote:
I spent the better part of last year making these kinds of decisions for my grandmother. They are hard and you weigh every decision with how much you want them to be the same and how good you want their quality of life. I think Lydia and Margaret made great decisions. Alzheimers is not fun to deal with and it is hard to watch.

My doctor called me part of the "Sandwich Generation." Where we are now the caregivers for our children and our parents. It is very difficult to deal with the role reversal of now having to take care of a parent/grandparent. Within the next few years, it will be my mom and my MIL to deal with. At least, I have a little understanding of what is coming but it doesn't make it any easier.

The book raised good points though, talk to people, take the time to do the research, and trust your instincts.

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[DebbieMacomber]

Kathy,

God bless you for giving this woman back her dignity.

Debbie

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Ktrink wrote:
My husband and I are in the midst of trying to get quality care for his Godmother (not a blood relative) The few local family she has basically seems to have "dumped" her into assisted living and she is afraid and lonely. I understand it is hard to see a loved one not the same as before but it is sad when you don't give them the respect they gave you in earlier days. The one plus through all this is my husband and I are learning so much about the care and legalities of caring for an elderly person. I hope if we are faced with our own family in a similar situation we are not so overwhelmed. God Bless all of you caring for aging parents and loved ones......what a blessing you are!! Kathy

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[DebbieMacomber]

Toward the end of her life my mother thought I was her younger sister Paula.

Debbie

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flutteringfly wrote:
Many adults of all ages are dealing with having to decide what to do with their aging parents and/or grandparents that can no longer take care of themselves. I think that Lydia and Margaret dealt with the cards they were dealt very well when dealing with their mother especially being that she is showing signs of alzehiemers.

I myself saw how dementia took over my grandfather during my senior year of highschool and it was very hard to watch. Their was times when he remembered certain things but not is own children. I remember one instance where he knew who I was and called me by my name but had no clue who my father was (his own child who had passed away some 10+ years ago.)


Kris

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[DebbieMacomber]

Amanda,

It sounds so easy, so cut and dried until it's your own mother whose begging you to stay in her own home. It broke my heart to have to move Mom, but Dad knew she would never survive on her own. He died 10 days after we moved them into the assisted living complex. I realize now that was his goal. He wanted to take care of mom and be sure she would be in a caring situation and then he was ready to die.

Debbie

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DutchMoeder wrote:
Indeed I have made that decision in real life for my grandmother. I think that you have no choice at some point. If you have no ability to be in your home 24/7 you must get help.

They made the only decision in my opinion no matter how hard.

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[DebbieMacomber]

As you noticed this subject matter came into play in Susannah's Garden as well. Clearly it was a subject that played heavily on my mind in the last couple of years.

Debbie

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LizzieAnn wrote:
Lydia & Margaret made the best decision they could for all considered. It's not an easy decision to make, and they did not abandon their mother but truly care for her. During the Susannah's Garden discussion, this was a big topic. As mentioned elsewhere, this is the sandwich generation - the ones who have children and parents who need care.

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[DebbieMacomber]

Patti,

Nearly everyone I know is going through this in one degree or another.

Debbie

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patti322 wrote:
I believe Lydia and Margaret made the right decision for everyone. And as someone else mentioned, they did not abandon her. They made a decision to keep her safe and give her the best quality of life situation they could find. I think it is hard for us to see our parents grow weaker and dependent on us when we are use to drawing on our parents strength. Thanks Debbie for helping us see that there are many others like us going through the same dementia/Alzheimers dilemma.

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[DebbieMacomber]

Oh I bet your mother loved having you there decorating her room. And while you had to drive 300 miles to do it I can see that you cherish those memories. I bet your mother did too.

Debbie

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flynn31 wrote:

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Stephanie wrote:

Lydia and Margaret have a difficult time coping with their mother's decline, and her care has become solely their responsibility. This is, of course, a dilemma many people face. Would you make the same decisions Lydia and Margaret have?

---

Reply to this message to discuss any of these topics. Or start your own new topic by clicking "New Message."

Note: This topic refers to events through Chapter 28. Some readers of this thread may not have finished the book. If you are referring to events that occur after Chapter 14, please use "Spoiler Warning" in the subject line of your post. Thanks!

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Yes I would and yes I have. My mother needed 24-hour care 5 years ago before her death and I played a big part in her being admitted to a nursing home. She didn't like the idea of going, but once she was there she didn't want to go back home even for visits because she was so much more comfortable.
Dealing with the failure of a parent, especially a mother, was the most difficult thing I've ever faced.I told her, "Mom, you've mothered us all these years, now it's our turn to mother you, so please let us help you get the care you need Mom."
She was admitted in October and I made a special 300 mile trip to decorate her room for Christmas, putting candy canes on the tree for Mom to munch on. I have never regretted that sacrifice because it was her last Christmas.
I'm sure Margaret and Lydia are feeling the same as they make the decision to move their failing mother from assisted living to a nursing home.

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