“Almost nobody dances sober, unless they happen to be insane.”
― H.P. Lovecraft
Well, a new season of Dancing with the Stars began last night and my wife and two young daughters watched the two-hour premiere in an almost enraptured state while I sat reading a book on the couch trying not to laugh out loud.
Honestly, I don’t understand the appeal of watching former stars attempt to ballroom dance with professionals. As I sat there on the couch trying to read while Melissa Gilbert, Martina Navratilova, and Gladys Knight were spun around the dance floor by guys with names like Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Tony Dovolani, I couldn’t help but think how much more exciting the show would be if it were Dancing With the Science Fiction/Fantasy Stars, a reality show that pairs up iconic science fiction/fantasy characters with professional dancers.
I closed my eyes and imagined what it might be like….
Get ready for a new season of Quicksteps, Salsas and spray tans as Dancing with the Science Fiction/Fantasy Stars returns with an all-new cast of characters vying for the coveted trophy!
Legendary bad boy and Sith Lord Anakin Skywalker, the scourge of the Jedi Knights, will lace up his dancing shoes and pair up with Kym Johnson, an Australian dance pro who has always wanted to dance the Foxtrot with the infamous Man in Black.
Sexy necromancer and vampire executioner Anita Blake, star of Laurell K. Hamilton’s historic saga, will pair up with heartthrob Derek Hough while trying not to feed her insatiable sexual appetite (ie: ardeur) on the dance floor.
One of the zombies from Sophie Littlefield’s post-apocalyptic Aftertime trilogy (Aftertime, Rebirth, and Horizon) – we’ll call him Bob – has agreed to do the show only if he is paired up with professional dancer Cheryl Burke, whom he describes as “yummy.” When asked about how difficult it would be to do the Tango with a body that is slowly deteriorating, he said, “I’m going to leave it all on the dance floor.”
The Cthulhu from H.P. Lovecraft’s legendary stories will be gracing the dance floor with the beautiful Chelsie Hightower. Oh, wait, it appears that the cosmic creature with the pulpy, tentacled head has consumed Chelsie’s body and soul…
Gollum, star of the upcoming motion picture The Hobbit, will be dancing with Ukranian bombshell Karina Smirnoff. The experience of leaving his subterranean lair to participate in a television show watched by millions, he stated in a recent interview, would undoubtedly be “precious.”
With Kim Harrison’s phenomenally popular Hollows saga coming to an end soon, series heroine Rachel Morgan brings her witchy talents and love of leather to the show. She will be paired up with Maksim Chmerkovskiy, who, by the way, is already complaining about a pesky pixy…
And last but not least is Rubeus Hagrid from J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter saga. The half-giant wizard and Keeper of Keys and Grounds of Hogwarts – who will be paired up with the stunning Anna Trebunskaya – decided to do the show to complement his P90X workout regiment.
Update: Gandalf, who was scheduled to be a cast member this season, recently underwent hip replacement surgery and is doing well recuperating at his estate in Middle-earth.
Wouldn’t this be an awesome show? What favorite characters would you like to see trip the light fantastic on Dancing with the Stars?
Paul Goat Allen has been a full-time book reviewer specializing in genre fiction for the last two decades and has written thousands of reviews for companies like Publishers Weekly, The Chicago Tribune, Kirkus Reviews, and BarnesandNoble.com. He is a member of the National Book Critics Circle.
Keep up with all of my blogs – as well as all of Barnes & Noble’s exclusive reviews, authors interviews, videos, promotions, and more – by following @BNBuzz on Twitter!
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