A few years back, I started a thread on the BarnesandNoble.com forums regarding cheesy sex scenes, particularly in paranormal fantasy – and the response was incredible. The consensus was essentially that bad (or intentionally humorous) sex scenes could be just as entertaining and memorable as steamy sex scenes – albeit for very different reasons!



The bottom line is that this blog isn’t meant to be mean in any way, it’s a humorous look at just how hilarious sex scenes can be – especially when taken out of context. I have read the majority of the books featured here and have enjoyed them all!


Last year, I compiled a bunch of these sex quotes from paranormal fantasy novels – which The Huffington Post posted in a much revised form – and I thought it would be fun to do an updated list: after all, I’ve read a lot of sex scenes in the last year. 


So, without further ado, here we go again…


Here are a few of my all-time favorite excerpts – the majority from paranormal fantasy novels but some from other genres:




“…they didn't hesitate, both of them bending over her weeping core.” – Lover Unleashed by J. R. Ward


"His rigid erection pressed against her waist, urgent, hungry to batter down her virginal barrier." – Destiny of the Wolf by Terry Spear



“Eric loved monkey sex.” – Dead Reckoning by Charlaine Harris



“…my womb did something involving a roundoff and jazz hands.” – Tracking the Tempest by Nicole Peeler



"She has seaweed pubes." – Tempest Rising by Nicole Peeler


“...while tonguing her love button, Carol began to moan in ecstasy.” – A World Gone Crazy by Richard J. Lukenda



“…[he] was buried to the hilt in her drenched channel…” – Blood Spirit by Gabrielle Bisset


"You are the lord of my vagina!" – Eye of the Tempest by Nicole Peeler


And what would a sex-scenes-gone-wrong blog be without mentioning these two legendary sequences:





I would like to thank not only all of the authors mentioned above but also every single writer who has ever had the courage to attempt to include a sex scene into his or her storyline. Think it’s easy? Try it – it’s harder than it looks. (No pun intended.)



Paul Goat Allen has been a full-time book reviewer specializing in genre fiction for the last two decades and has written thousands of reviews for companies like Publishers Weekly, The Chicago Tribune, Kirkus Reviews, and BarnesandNoble.com. He is a member of the National Book Critics Circle. You can follow him on Twitter at @paulgoatallen and get all the latest Barnes & Noble book news from @BNBuzz.

by Moderator dhaupt on ‎10-24-2012 09:14 AM

these should come with a warning-do not read while drinking coffee (as I wipe it from my monitor)

thanks PGA

by on ‎10-24-2012 11:59 AM

Well, now we know where that Fifty Shades woman got her idea that people would want to read incredibly badly written sex scenes.  Though most of these do not quite sink to her level.

by on ‎10-24-2012 03:25 PM

I was under The Impression and I know I am Right ^ ^..Sex Should be Steamy..Otherwise why bother..Now of course The Few people that know me,.know I post what I want to and without shame...And they are still my friends..(3) I protect their Identity and PGA Of course..The thing About Most Paranormal Novels.is that the Authors can take it to another Level...And must agree with Paul..How Creative/Must be Very Difficult to write those scenes.(Barrons "The Fever Series")....Have Not Read Fifty Shades of Grey..

by Moderator dhaupt on ‎10-24-2012 03:56 PM

OMG, The Fever Series, 50 shades author took lessons from Karen Moning. Especially the one that wasn't printed that she shared with a few of us in her fan club


Thanks Suze for reminding me.

by on ‎10-25-2012 01:24 PM

Great article Paul. I consider these books to really do a good job of describing sex scenes. These quotes are a good collection. Vermontcozy totally agree with you.

One of my newest favorite lines is from Nicole Peeler in Tempest's Fury - "He had this domineering way about him that totally ketchuped my tater tots." That is just a perfect line.

dhaupt spitting coffee all over her screen again.  :smileyvery-happy:

by on ‎10-25-2012 03:52 PM
Writing dialog / description is a special talent. Writing great sex scene dialog / description might be the rarest talent of all.


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