A few years back, I started a thread on the BarnesandNoble.com forums regarding cheesy sex scenes, particularly in paranormal fantasy – and the response was incredible. The consensus was essentially that bad (or intentionally humorous) sex scenes could be just as entertaining and memorable as steamy sex scenes – albeit for very different reasons!
The bottom line is that this blog isn’t meant to be mean in any way, it’s a humorous look at just how hilarious sex scenes can be – especially when taken out of context. I have read the majority of the books featured here and have enjoyed them all!
Last year, I compiled a bunch of these sex quotes from paranormal fantasy novels – which The Huffington Post posted in a much revised form – and I thought it would be fun to do an updated list: after all, I’ve read a lot of sex scenes in the last year.
So, without further ado, here we go again…
Here are a few of my all-time favorite excerpts – the majority from paranormal fantasy novels but some from other genres:
• “…they didn't hesitate, both of them bending over her weeping core.” – Lover Unleashed by J. R. Ward
• "His rigid erection pressed against her waist, urgent, hungry to batter down her virginal barrier." – Destiny of the Wolf by Terry Spear
• “Eric loved monkey sex.” – Dead Reckoning by Charlaine Harris
• “…my womb did something involving a roundoff and jazz hands.” – Tracking the Tempest by Nicole Peeler
• "She has seaweed pubes." – Tempest Rising by Nicole Peeler
• “...while tonguing her love button, Carol began to moan in ecstasy.” – A World Gone Crazy by Richard J. Lukenda
• “…[he] was buried to the hilt in her drenched channel…” – Blood Spirit by Gabrielle Bisset
• "You are the lord of my vagina!" – Eye of the Tempest by Nicole Peeler
And what would a sex-scenes-gone-wrong blog be without mentioning these two legendary sequences:
I would like to thank not only all of the authors mentioned above but also every single writer who has ever had the courage to attempt to include a sex scene into his or her storyline. Think it’s easy? Try it – it’s harder than it looks. (No pun intended.)
Paul Goat Allen has been a full-time book reviewer specializing in genre fiction for the last two decades and has written thousands of reviews for companies like Publishers Weekly, The Chicago Tribune, Kirkus Reviews, and BarnesandNoble.com. He is a member of the National Book Critics Circle. You can follow him on Twitter at @paulgoatallen and get all the latest Barnes & Noble book news from @BNBuzz.