A few years back, I started a thread on the BarnesandNoble.com forums regarding cheesy sex scenes, particularly in paranormal fantasy – and the response was incredible. The consensus was essentially that bad (or intentionally humorous) sex scenes could be just as entertaining and memorable as steamy sex scenes – albeit for very different reasons!
Granted, a sizable percentage of the excerpts that you’re about to read were meant to be amusing – as in the case of Nicole Peeler’s Jane True saga and Charlaine Harris’ Southern Vampire series, for example. Truth be told, Harris’ quirky Sookie-isms and Peeler’s bizarrely described sex scenes make these sagas the bestselling series that they are.
The bottom line is that this blog isn’t meant to be mean in any way, it’s a humorous look at just how hilarious sex scenes can be – especially when taken out of context. I have read the majority of the books featured here and have enjoyed them all!
Last year, I compiled a bunch of these sex quotes from paranormal fantasy novels – which The Huffington Post posted in a much revised form – and I thought it would be fun to do an updated list: after all, I’ve read a lot of sex scenes in the last year.
So, without further ado, here we go again…
Here are a few of my all-time favorite excerpts – the majority from paranormal fantasy novels but some from other genres:
• "While I stood stock-still, paralyzed by conflicting waves of emotion, Eric took the soap out of my hands and lathered up his own, set the soap back in its little niche, and began to wash my arms, raising each in turn to stroke my armpit, down my side, never touching my breasts, which were practically quivering like puppies who wanted to be petted." – Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris
• "My nipples waved hello at him as he pulled down the cups of my bra." – Tracking the Tempest by Nicole Peeler
• “…they didn't hesitate, both of them bending over her weeping core.” – Lover Unleashed by J. R. Ward
• "His rigid erection pressed against her waist, urgent, hungry to batter down her virginal barrier." – Destiny of the Wolf by Terry Spear
• “His man lance prepared for duty.” – Naked Dragon by Annette Blair
• “Eric loved monkey sex.” – Dead Reckoning by Charlaine Harris
• "I let my hand stroke boldly downward, my fingers aching to set him free, to grasp his turgid magnificence." – A Brush of Darkness by Allison Pang
• “…my womb did something involving a roundoff and jazz hands.” – Tracking the Tempest by Nicole Peeler
• "...I had my very own orgasm, a moment so explosive it was like I'd been saving up for a holiday." – Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris
• "She has seaweed pubes." – Tempest Rising by Nicole Peeler
• “...while tonguing her love button, Carol began to moan in ecstasy.” – A World Gone Crazy by Richard J. Lukenda
• “…she surged upward firing her own love potion all over him.” – Eve's Trial by Albert James
• “…[he] was buried to the hilt in her drenched channel…” – Blood Spirit by Gabrielle Bisset
• "You are the lord of my vagina!" – Eye of the Tempest by Nicole Peeler
And what would a sex-scenes-gone-wrong blog be without mentioning these two legendary sequences:
• “His body knew only one goal, to bury itself into the snug fist of her femininity and let it milk him dry.” – Demon Rumm by Sandra Brown
• “Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth white stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny, lean animals.” – Bronwyn: Silk and Steel by Ron Miller
I would like to thank not only all of the authors mentioned above but also every single writer who has ever had the courage to attempt to include a sex scene into his or her storyline. Think it’s easy? Try it – it’s harder than it looks. (No pun intended.)
Paul Goat Allen has been a full-time book reviewer specializing in genre fiction for the last two decades and has written thousands of reviews for companies like Publishers Weekly, The Chicago Tribune, Kirkus Reviews, and BarnesandNoble.com. He is a member of the National Book Critics Circle. You can follow him on Twitter at @paulgoatallen and get all the latest Barnes & Noble book news from @BNBuzz.
Great article Paul. I consider these books to really do a good job of describing sex scenes. These quotes are a good collection. Vermontcozy totally agree with you.
One of my newest favorite lines is from Nicole Peeler in Tempest's Fury - "He had this domineering way about him that totally ketchuped my tater tots." That is just a perfect line.
dhaupt spitting coffee all over her screen again. 
