I'll admit it. I enjoy watching people flirt in social situations – some are truly masterful in their approach while others are painfully inept – it’s almost like watching a Discovery Channel special on bizarre animal mating rituals.
And as a longtime bookstore manager, I was witness to countless exchanges of libidinous repartee and incredible pick-up lines.
The worst (or best, depending on your criteria) pick-up line that I ever heard was an unforgettable one. I was manning a book booth for a Star Trek convention in Upstate New York when, right in front of me, I saw a guy dressed as a Klingon approach a woman in a similar get-up. Both had tons of make-up on and were wielding blade weapons. He proceeded to scream in her face and then said: “That is how the Klingon lures a mate.”
I was working the booth with another guy who had witnessed the entire thing and we were both speechless. (I do remember selling a fair amount of the The Klingon Dictionary during that convention….)
Fast forward 20 years – my wife recently asked if I wanted to go see The Hobbit movie when it opens on December 14. She joked that I should wear hairy Hobbit feet over my shoes. “You know what they say about big feet,” she joked.
That one remark brought me right back to the Star Trek convention and I thought "could there actually be pick-up lines specifically for J.R.R. Tolkien-powered gatherings – like the opening of The Hobbit movie?"
I did a little research and found some hilarious sites that contained innumerable pick-up lines inspired by Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit (like lotrpick-uplines.tumblr.com, comediva.com/lord-of-the-rings-pick-up-lines, etc.)
Here are the best of the best – or, more appropriately, the worst of the worst!
14. How about you and I get away from this Orc pit and go visit my hobbit hole?
13. The fires of Mount Doom aren’t nearly as hot as you.
12. You shall not pass – until I get your phone number!
11. I’d love to climb your Lonely Mountain.
10. One does not simply blow the Horn of Gondor, but I’ll make an exception for you.
9. Are you a Balrog? Because you’re smoking hot!
8. Are you an Orc? Because you’re making my Sting glow.
7. Your beauty has pierced my heart like a Morgul-blade.
6. Sauron’s going to be after me because he knows I’ve found the One.
5. I’d have you for second breakfast.
4. Will you be my Precioussss?
3. Are those the shards of Narsil in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
2. Gimli a piece of that!
1. I've heard about a great new club... want to go There and Back Again?
I hope this list made you laugh as much as I did – and, for the record, I take absolutely no responsibility for those who choose to actually use these pick-up lines on innocent movie goers!
Paul Goat Allen has been a full-time book reviewer specializing in genre fiction for the last two decades and has written thousands of reviews for companies like Publishers Weekly, The Chicago Tribune, Kirkus Reviews, and BarnesandNoble.com. He is a member of the National Book Critics Circle. You can follow him on Twitter at @paulgoatallen and get all the latest Barnes & Noble book news from @BNBuzz.