Off Topic: Sisters [ Edited ]

[KxBurns]

Hey everyone!

I wanted us to have a place to discuss the sisterly relationship from a personal point of view. Many of us have sisters -- I have two myself and I know there is much to say about this most complex, frustrating, and rewarding of relationships.

There is certainly room in the regular chapter threads for such discussion, but I also don't want talk about our own personal experiences of sisterly relationships to take over those threads at the exclusion of those who do not have sisters! 

So if it's longer than, say, a specific anecdote pertaining directly to something in a given chapter, bring it here.

And please observe spoiler etiquette. On this thread, that means that anything up to and including whichever chapter discussions have been posted is fair game. Otherwise, preface your comments with the word SPOILER in your subject line.

Thanks!

UPDATE: I think this goes without saying, but I want to add that those who do not have sisters are of course absolutely welcome here as well!

Message Edited by KxBurns on 03-03-2008 08:01 PM

Message Edited by KxBurns on 03-03-2008 11:33 PM

[Oldesq]

Seems to be a problem with the dating on your posts KxBurns:

Sisters are a huge part of my life- I have 5 of them and we couldn't be closer.  I also have two brothers and I don't know if it is geography or gender but it is simply not the same layered, complex relationship although we are not estranged - it is rare for me to call my brothers much less to gossip.

[tapestry100]

I have 1 sister who lives out in Maine, and I don't think a day goes by that we don't talk. It doesn't have to be about anything in particular, we just chat every day. I have some other friends who find that very odd (even some who have sisters themselves) but it just seems completely natural to the to of us to stay in contact like that.

[Rosei]

I have a sister and our sisterhood was always.. weird, incomplete, fragmented, cold and so on. She was always very different from me, in temper and character, and I was always very different from her, in likes, dislikes and wishes. There was always a kind of competition between us: who was stronger, who was prettier, who was nicer, who was better. a boring situation indeed. We were never friends and even today, that we are far from each other and have our own lives, she still feels like competing.

On the other hand, my brother was always my real true friend at my parents' house. Till today that I'm married and live in my own house, we are still very devoted in helping each other and keeping common secrets.  

Message Edited by Rosei on 03-03-2008 11:15 PM

[paula_02912]

Hi Karen, I have one sister and I am twenty years older than her...yep, she was born in my freshman year of college and she is thirteen now...our relationship is not as close as I would have liked because I find myself in the mothering role whenever I am with her...it is difficult to connect with her too because of the huge age difference between us and I don't live close to home where we could possibly develop a friendship...

[judycarr]

I have one sister who is 13 years older than I.  She and I were estranged for several years, about 7, and I am finding alot to relate to in the book.  It has made me think about the reasons for the estrangement and the way it continued to unfold long after the initial "reasons" were long past.  I think that is one reason I was so attracted to the line in Chapter 1 about there rarely being one reason for estrangment in life.  I had to try to remember why we were estranged.  I knew the reasons but I could not put it into an event.  It prompted alot of reflection for me.  I am loving reading about the sisters and wondering how their reconcilliation will unfold.  I remember so well the first awkward steps of being with each other again.  They were difficult and life giving at the same time.  I can empathize with both sisters as they begin the adjustment to one another.  

Happy to report that my sister and I have a good relationship now and I'll be interested in sharing this book with her at some point!

[CubbyVet]

I have a 17 and a half year age difference with my sister (she was born the day before my senior year of high school).  I wish we had a closer age gap because as a 7 and a half year old child, I am in awe of her.  She is so smart and I miss seeing her grow up.  I live about 4 hours away from my mom, her husband, and my sister.  It feels od dto say I have a 7 yr old sister but so right sometimes. 

My husband met her when she was learning to talk and we talk about her now and how much she is a little person. 

I wish the age gap wasn't .so great because I think we could have been great friends growing up.  However, I think she looks up to me as another mother figure and I feel like she is my little girl.

[elde]

I have 3 sisters who are 6, 11, & 13 years older than me. The one I am closest to both in age and relationship is the one I fought with the most growing up. My oldest sister I never really new until I was an adult. My other sister, for years the only reason I spoke to her was "because I had to" at family gatherings. There were many things I was upset with her about that I had never said. It wasn't until my father died that I actually talked about it with her. I think sometimes as you get older and you look back and realize everyone has their own perception and way of dealing with things. You're not perfect - never have been and neither are they. You realize that you need to work it out and have some peace. I'm glad it didn't take 50 years.

[kmensing]

I have a sister who is 5 years younger than me.  We are COMPLETE opposites--I'm light skinned & blonde, she's quite olive toned & black hair--I'm short, she's very tall--I'm the loudmouth, she's the more resereved one--she'll join any club, meeting, group, I'd rather stay home with the kids & read a book--I have 3 kids, she has none (and may never).  But--we are EXTREMELY close.  The closeness of our relationship may come from a completely (and I mean completely) dysfunctional family.  In a way, we're all each other has. 

So in reading this book, I can never ever contimplate the thought of having to a 50 year separation......just too sad for words.

Our little brother (13 years younger than me) is finally engaged and we absolutely love this woman and we both hope she'll be the third sister.

[Laurabairn]

I have 3 sisters...one eleven months younger, one 23 months younger and one 8 years younger. Yeah , I'm the big sister and we've certainly had our ups and downs over the years, but managed to stay in each others lives despite very different ways of looking at the world. Funny, I see a lot of acting out the childhood roles, who is the pretty one, the smart one, the baby, etc and how those roles get in the way of being who we are in the rest of our lives. Still trying to get attention from Mom and Dad( now in their 70's) and be the special one. Does anyone still have this element of competion with their sisters?

 Lately I've been thinking about my mother and how she, unwittingly, feeds this competition with news of each others lives. I try to stay aware of it and not do this with my own children, but I can see how easily it slips out. Still we stay in each others lives and when something awful, like divorce or illness, or good, 40th birthday or 50th wedding anniversary (parents) we band together and work in concert. So I guess this is my version of a "normal" family!

[pigwidgeon]

My sister is 4 years younger, and the only sibling I have. When we were growing up, we argued, like siblings do, but always loved and respected one another. I have a very close relationship with my sister, and can't imagine life without her. 50 years... never! We always joke that when we are ancient, we will be sitting around together, watching re-runs (she crocheting, and me knitting.. which we both have been doing since childhood) and laughing about our lives, books, dogs, and our love for Alex Trebek. The funny part is, we just did that last weekend!

[dhaupt]

I have two sisters and one brother all younger than me. My sisters and I couldn't be closer (well we could). But my brother and I are not close, now he doesn't live in the vicinity so that may be part of it, but even growing up we weren't close. I couldn't imagine life without my sisters they are people that I can confess anything to and won't judge me, I can tell them my dreams and they won't laugh. And even thought we always discuss our husbands in less than a good light they never treat mine or me theirs any differently.

Deb

[paula_02912]

I forgot to mention that along with having my 1 sister, I have 5 brothers...I am the second oldest...

[Wrighty]

I don't have sisters but I have brothers who I adore. I have a sister-in-law that I have always been close to. We've known each other since we were children and have a long history together. We share many common interests and hobbies and she is a wonderful aunt to my children. I guess I did get the sister I always wanted!

[SandyS]

---

Rosei wrote:

I have a sister and our sisterhood was always.. weird, incomplete, fragmented, cold and so on. She was always very different from me, in temper and character, and I was always very different from her, in likes, dislikes and wishes. There was always a kind of competition between us: who was stronger, who was prettier, who was nicer, who was better. a boring situation indeed. We were never friends and even today, that we are far from each other and have our own lives, she still feels like competing.

On the other hand, my brother was always my real true friend at my parents' house. Till today that I'm married and live in my own house, we are still very devoted in helping each other and keeping common secrets.  

Message Edited by Rosei on 03-03-2008 11:15 PM

---

Rosei,

I am interested if your brother is the middle child.  My sister and I are quite distant and different, even though we only have 3 years difference.  But we would each say we are close to the brother in the middle.

SandyS

[KxBurns]

Hi CubbyVet and Paula R.,

I know what you guys mean. My youngest sister is ten years my junior, which isn't really that big a difference and yet sometimes it feels like we grew up in completely different families! I think this is because my older brother and younger sister and I are all very close in age and shared so many of the same experiences, while our youngest sister could truly be said to have grown up in an entirely different family dynamic.

But when you think about it, every child grows up in a different family than their siblings since every child experiences their family in a way that is unique to them. 

Paula, I can relate to your comment about mothering getting in the way of enjoying each other. My sister and I have always been extraordinarily close but now that she is entering adulthood, I find that the mothering instincts I used to feel have subsided and allowed us to be even closer, as friends.

I thought you both might like this quote by James Baldwin (he is addressing his nephew and talking about his brother):

  "I have known you both all your lives, have carried your Daddy in my arms and on my shoulders... watched him learn to walk. I don't know if you've known anybody from that far back; if you've loved anybody that long, first as an infant, then as a child... Other people cannot see what I see when I look into your father's face, for behind your father's face as it is today are all those other faces which were his. Let him laugh... and I hear in his present laughter his laughter as a child."

-from the essay "My Dungeon Shook" in the book The Fire Next Time

Always reminds me of watching my baby sister grow up!

[paula_02912]

Karen, that is a great quote...

[deeflynn]

I have one sister and we're 18 months apart, with me being the oldest. Growing up we fought constantly and were complete opposites. Once our father died, we drifted even further apart but once we started having children (I have 3 sons, she has 3 sons & is currently pregnant) we became really close. We don't talk a whole lot, sometimes it will be a couple of weeks between phone calls, but we always keep each up to date on what our children are doing.

I could not imagine a relationship like Ginny & Vivi have.

~ Dee

[Mary1234]

I have four sisters and 5 brothers. I am 59 years old/young!!! It seems to me that over the years things change for all of us - home location, employment, children, grandchildren and on and on. With a little thought for and of each other, each of us can either choose to stay in contact or not. It seems as the eldest of all of us, I am the one that kind of tries to mend fences, cross bridges, etc. At times I wonder about all of it. I just tell myself that I "have not walked in their shoes".

Mary

[reddoglady]

I did have a sister -- she committed suicide in March 1986 (coming up on 22 years ago) -- at the time we did not have a close relationship -- I was married with two young children and lived out of state -- we never did have a close relationship -- I started dating my then husband at age 16 and was tied up in my own little world -- I got married at 21 (I believe to escape my childhood home) and never really knew what problems she had at the time -- her and my mother were extremely close and my dad never showed his feelings or emotions -- after she died it gave me the courage to divorce my husband and change my life for the better (as they say good always comes from bad) -- I regret that I was not the person then that I am now -- perhaps I could have helped her -- I will never know -- my mother and I have never had a good relationship, but now we are all that we have -- I have forgiven my mother for things that she did when I was younger (mostly) and I try real hard to understand where she is coming from -- she will be 87 in July (I will be 60 in April) -- she lives in NJ and I live in NC -- we see each other 2-3 times a year --  I do wish my sister was still around -- maybe we could have had a different relationship, but then again maybe I wouldn't have changed my life if she didn't die --