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vivico1
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THE COST OF SECRETS

Lisa asked:
As promised, I've thrown out a few new questions to carry us through the last few days. When I was touring for Peony in Love, I did a fantastic radio interview in Kansas City. The woman asked me about all of my books and had me read excerpts from them. She picked up a theme -- one that I have to admit that I hadn't noticed -- in all of my books: the way that secrets can cause love to be lost. Certainly secrets play a huge part in Peony in Love. I don't know what my question is here, but I think there could be something to discuss with this idea. Could it be said that even today in our own relationships that it's secrets that cause the most harm? And yet, I've often heard that many wives would rather their husbands keep an affair a secret. What they don't know won't hurt them.


(Lisa wanted these on threads so we could all see them even if some are not finished with the book yet, so I, with her permission, am just posting them here for her. They are also on PART III but we can use this thread for discussion for everyone. If you have posted to this question on part III please feel free to add it to this thread, so others not there can join in.)
Vivian
~Those who do not read are no better off than those who can not.~ Chinese proverb
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seagate
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Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS

How interesting. I had heard that authors pick up from their readers thoughts that were unknown to the author themselves. Secrets-- Peony- her mother- grandmother- Yi. In Snowflower- all the nu shu writings were secret-- Snowflower and Madame Wang had a huge secret. Now I notice that it is the women that have the secrets in these books.Lisa, Do women keep secrets more often then men ? I don't think in my life I have kept a secret. I never reveal what others tell me in secretcy but my own life is an open book.
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vivico1
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS


vivico1 wrote:
Lisa asked:
As promised, I've thrown out a few new questions to carry us through the last few days. When I was touring for Peony in Love, I did a fantastic radio interview in Kansas City. The woman asked me about all of my books and had me read excerpts from them. She picked up a theme -- one that I have to admit that I hadn't noticed -- in all of my books: the way that secrets can cause love to be lost. Certainly secrets play a huge part in Peony in Love. I don't know what my question is here, but I think there could be something to discuss with this idea. Could it be said that even today in our own relationships that it's secrets that cause the most harm? And yet, I've often heard that many wives would rather their husbands keep an affair a secret. What they don't know won't hurt them.


(Lisa wanted these on threads so we could all see them even if some are not finished with the book yet, so I, with her permission, am just posting them here for her. They are also on PART III but we can use this thread for discussion for everyone. If you have posted to this question on part III please feel free to add it to this thread, so others not there can join in.)


Kiakar wrote:
I think this is the most dreadful thing to ever comprehend happening to women! I do not know what a man feels with this betrayal. I have experienced it and its something, a hurt that is so deep that you never fully recover from it. I do not hold animosity for my former husband or his lover at the time, but the whole, it still has dentation marks through it. I guess that is why women say that, they feel they can't live through it or what a hell it would be for them. It is the most unforgivable thing you can do. It's that sacred bond husband and wife have, and when its broken, disregarded, its like a earthquake hitting your heart tearing it all to bits and scattering it so far you can't ever find all the pieces to put it back together. For days, weeks and some months I hardly ate, in 2 months I had lost 30 lbs from only drinking iced tea or coffee and nothing to eat. Food made my throat close up. And it did feel like my heart really did break in a million pieces, it hurt so extremely bad.Those vows are taken more sacred most of the time, with women, more so than with men, maybe with cheating men that is. When its broken, its pure aching for a long time.

Kiakar, sorry to hear that happened to you. May I ask something if its not too personal? Did you say you were married now and had kids? Don't kill me for not remembering right off lol, but reading what you wrote kinda made me lose that part momentarily. Anyway, the question is, if you are married now, and you say this was an ex, was it hard to trust again, to marry again? Do you think it affects your current marriage? Please dont answer this if its too personal ok? But I am curious about people getting on with their lives.
Vivian
~Those who do not read are no better off than those who can not.~ Chinese proverb
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LisaSee
Posts: 139
Registered: ‎08-24-2007
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS



seagate wrote:
How interesting. I had heard that authors pick up from their readers thoughts that were unknown to the author themselves. Secrets-- Peony- her mother- grandmother- Yi. In Snowflower- all the nu shu writings were secret-- Snowflower and Madame Wang had a huge secret. Now I notice that it is the women that have the secrets in these books.Lisa, Do women keep secrets more often then men ? I don't think in my life I have kept a secret. I never reveal what others tell me in secretcy but my own life is an open book.




I don't know if men are more or less secretive. I would imagine they would be, since they're generally less likely to share their inner thoughts and emotions. As for myself, I find that sometimes I'll tell something to my husband that I wouldn't tell anyone else. Or I'll tell something to my mom but not to anyone else. Or to my best friend but not to my husband, mom, or anyone else.
Wordsmith
kiakar
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS



vivico1 wrote:

vivico1 wrote:
Lisa asked:
As promised, I've thrown out a few new questions to carry us through the last few days. When I was touring for Peony in Love, I did a fantastic radio interview in Kansas City. The woman asked me about all of my books and had me read excerpts from them. She picked up a theme -- one that I have to admit that I hadn't noticed -- in all of my books: the way that secrets can cause love to be lost. Certainly secrets play a huge part in Peony in Love. I don't know what my question is here, but I think there could be something to discuss with this idea. Could it be said that even today in our own relationships that it's secrets that cause the most harm? And yet, I've often heard that many wives would rather their husbands keep an affair a secret. What they don't know won't hurt them.


(Lisa wanted these on threads so we could all see them even if some are not finished with the book yet, so I, with her permission, am just posting them here for her. They are also on PART III but we can use this thread for discussion for everyone. If you have posted to this question on part III please feel free to add it to this thread, so others not there can join in.)


Kiakar wrote:
I think this is the most dreadful thing to ever comprehend happening to women! I do not know what a man feels with this betrayal. I have experienced it and its something, a hurt that is so deep that you never fully recover from it. I do not hold animosity for my former husband or his lover at the time, but the whole, it still has dentation marks through it. I guess that is why women say that, they feel they can't live through it or what a hell it would be for them. It is the most unforgivable thing you can do. It's that sacred bond husband and wife have, and when its broken, disregarded, its like a earthquake hitting your heart tearing it all to bits and scattering it so far you can't ever find all the pieces to put it back together. For days, weeks and some months I hardly ate, in 2 months I had lost 30 lbs from only drinking iced tea or coffee and nothing to eat. Food made my throat close up. And it did feel like my heart really did break in a million pieces, it hurt so extremely bad.Those vows are taken more sacred most of the time, with women, more so than with men, maybe with cheating men that is. When its broken, its pure aching for a long time.

Kiakar, sorry to hear that happened to you. May I ask something if its not too personal? Did you say you were married now and had kids? Don't kill me for not remembering right off lol, but reading what you wrote kinda made me lose that part momentarily. Anyway, the question is, if you are married now, and you say this was an ex, was it hard to trust again, to marry again? Do you think it affects your current marriage? Please dont answer this if its too personal ok? But I am curious about people getting on with their lives.




I never married after my second marriage ended. That was the one that the cheating occurred in. I stayed in the marriage for years after the affair. I was pregnant with my son when I found out what he was doing with a much younger girl. With four children, since he said he would end the affair and as far as I know he did, I stayed in the marriage. But I remained bitter, didn't trust him at all. Hated him at times. If I had of been in better cimcumstances money wise I would have left him. THis is a hurt that is so demeaning, so down to the core hurting, that I do agree that a person should get out of the marriage. I didn't feel I could take care of the children unless I stayed. He never cheated as I know of. We separated and divorced later on for entirely different reasons. After my son was born, for seven years I remained at home, I took nursing courses and pharmacials in that time. And then went to work as a medication nurse in a mental challeging school and worked there for 28 years. After the kids finished college, which I worked to help pay for this, I left and bought my townhouse that I live in now. We are good friends as of now. We do not argue or talk of our difficult years. We are there for our kids, grandkids and so forth. WE do not have a relationship now other than friends. But neither one has married again or dated that much. We have been apart for fifteen years.
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LisaSee
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Registered: ‎08-24-2007
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS



kiakar wrote:


vivico1 wrote:

vivico1 wrote:
Lisa asked:
As promised, I've thrown out a few new questions to carry us through the last few days. When I was touring for Peony in Love, I did a fantastic radio interview in Kansas City. The woman asked me about all of my books and had me read excerpts from them. She picked up a theme -- one that I have to admit that I hadn't noticed -- in all of my books: the way that secrets can cause love to be lost. Certainly secrets play a huge part in Peony in Love. I don't know what my question is here, but I think there could be something to discuss with this idea. Could it be said that even today in our own relationships that it's secrets that cause the most harm? And yet, I've often heard that many wives would rather their husbands keep an affair a secret. What they don't know won't hurt them.


(Lisa wanted these on threads so we could all see them even if some are not finished with the book yet, so I, with her permission, am just posting them here for her. They are also on PART III but we can use this thread for discussion for everyone. If you have posted to this question on part III please feel free to add it to this thread, so others not there can join in.)


Kiakar wrote:
I think this is the most dreadful thing to ever comprehend happening to women! I do not know what a man feels with this betrayal. I have experienced it and its something, a hurt that is so deep that you never fully recover from it. I do not hold animosity for my former husband or his lover at the time, but the whole, it still has dentation marks through it. I guess that is why women say that, they feel they can't live through it or what a hell it would be for them. It is the most unforgivable thing you can do. It's that sacred bond husband and wife have, and when its broken, disregarded, its like a earthquake hitting your heart tearing it all to bits and scattering it so far you can't ever find all the pieces to put it back together. For days, weeks and some months I hardly ate, in 2 months I had lost 30 lbs from only drinking iced tea or coffee and nothing to eat. Food made my throat close up. And it did feel like my heart really did break in a million pieces, it hurt so extremely bad.Those vows are taken more sacred most of the time, with women, more so than with men, maybe with cheating men that is. When its broken, its pure aching for a long time.

Kiakar, sorry to hear that happened to you. May I ask something if its not too personal? Did you say you were married now and had kids? Don't kill me for not remembering right off lol, but reading what you wrote kinda made me lose that part momentarily. Anyway, the question is, if you are married now, and you say this was an ex, was it hard to trust again, to marry again? Do you think it affects your current marriage? Please dont answer this if its too personal ok? But I am curious about people getting on with their lives.




I never married after my second marriage ended. That was the one that the cheating occurred in. I stayed in the marriage for years after the affair. I was pregnant with my son when I found out what he was doing with a much younger girl. With four children, since he said he would end the affair and as far as I know he did, I stayed in the marriage. But I remained bitter, didn't trust him at all. Hated him at times. If I had of been in better cimcumstances money wise I would have left him. THis is a hurt that is so demeaning, so down to the core hurting, that I do agree that a person should get out of the marriage. I didn't feel I could take care of the children unless I stayed. He never cheated as I know of. We separated and divorced later on for entirely different reasons. After my son was born, for seven years I remained at home, I took nursing courses and pharmacials in that time. And then went to work as a medication nurse in a mental challeging school and worked there for 28 years. After the kids finished college, which I worked to help pay for this, I left and bought my townhouse that I live in now. We are good friends as of now. We do not argue or talk of our difficult years. We are there for our kids, grandkids and so forth. WE do not have a relationship now other than friends. But neither one has married again or dated that much. We have been apart for fifteen years.




I hope this hasn't been hard for you to write about, even after fifteen years. The pain can never go away, as you said.

I know I've said it before, but I want to do it one last time before we all go our separate ways. You have all been so incredible to share your lives the way you have. I feel very honored to have been a part of that.
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kiakar
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS

Lisa, I have never been ashamed of sharing my life. As I get older, I feel if I share it maybe it might help someone else in bad circumstances or similiar to mine. We are talking about destinies and fate and all that. I do believe we are put in situations to make out of it the best we can. Life is a giant puzzle. Some have little pieces and some larger ones. We definitely will not know the outcome until we meet with God but I feel that bad luck to one can mean good luck to another in the same breath. He chooses to take a piece of this and place it where he knows best it will go whether it causes storms or sunshine. I think that maybe your soul is designed to be a certain thing and whether you follow t his potentional is up to the person. And sometimes thing prohibit that also.
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cindersue
Posts: 323
Registered: ‎04-02-2007
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS

Lisa ... I don't know if men are more or less secretive. I would imagine they would be, since they're generally less likely to share their inner thoughts and emotions. As for myself, I find that sometimes I'll tell something to my husband that I wouldn't tell anyone else. Or I'll tell something to my mom but not to anyone else. Or to my best friend but not to my husband, mom, or anyone else.

I agree with you Lisa. I have one very best friend that I tell everything to. Girl talk, feminine desires, those talks are not understood by men. I also confide in my husband, my mom. It depends on the subject manner. :smileywink:
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cindersue
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS



cindersue wrote:
Lisa ... I don't know if men are more or less secretive. I would imagine they would be, since they're generally less likely to share their inner thoughts and emotions. As for myself, I find that sometimes I'll tell something to my husband that I wouldn't tell anyone else. Or I'll tell something to my mom but not to anyone else. Or to my best friend but not to my husband, mom, or anyone else.

I agree with you Lisa. I have one very best friend that I tell everything to. Girl talk, feminine desires, those talks are not understood by men. I also confide in my husband, my mom. It depends on the subject manner. :smileywink:




p.s. My mother had said something to me when she was alive. She said women always take secrets to their grave. I never thought once that my mom had secrets from anyone. Now I wonder if she did ... hmmmm LOL :smileywink:
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vivico1
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS


cindersue wrote:


cindersue wrote:
Lisa ... I don't know if men are more or less secretive. I would imagine they would be, since they're generally less likely to share their inner thoughts and emotions. As for myself, I find that sometimes I'll tell something to my husband that I wouldn't tell anyone else. Or I'll tell something to my mom but not to anyone else. Or to my best friend but not to my husband, mom, or anyone else.

I agree with you Lisa. I have one very best friend that I tell everything to. Girl talk, feminine desires, those talks are not understood by men. I also confide in my husband, my mom. It depends on the subject manner. :smileywink:




p.s. My mother had said something to me when she was alive. She said women always take secrets to their grave. I never thought once that my mom had secrets from anyone. Now I wonder if she did ... hmmmm LOL :smileywink:


ya never know lol, could be some juicy ones too! :smileywink:
Vivian
~Those who do not read are no better off than those who can not.~ Chinese proverb
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Wrighty
Posts: 1,762
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS


cindersue wrote:
As for myself, I find that sometimes I'll tell something to my husband that I wouldn't tell anyone else. Or I'll tell something to my mom but not to anyone else. Or to my best friend but not to my husband, mom, or anyone else.

I agree with you Lisa. I have one very best friend that I tell everything to. Girl talk, feminine desires, those talks are not understood by men. I also confide in my husband, my mom. It depends on the subject manner. :smileywink:



I'm the same way. I share almost everything with my husband but there are a few things that I only tell my mom or my best friends. They aren't hurtful though they are usually private things that I may be more comfortable confiding in one person more than the other. Sometimes I do it to protect someone too. I have a lot of health problems and I am always honest about the important things but I might tell my husband that I am having a really bad day and not tell my mom as much so she doesn't worry.
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Wrighty
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS


kiakar wrote:
Lisa, I have never been ashamed of sharing my life. As I get older, I feel if I share it maybe it might help someone else in bad circumstances or similiar to mine. We are talking about destinies and fate and all that. I do believe we are put in situations to make out of it the best we can. Life is a giant puzzle. Some have little pieces and some larger ones. We definitely will not know the outcome until we meet with God but I feel that bad luck to one can mean good luck to another in the same breath. He chooses to take a piece of this and place it where he knows best it will go whether it causes storms or sunshine. I think that maybe your soul is designed to be a certain thing and whether you follow t his potentional is up to the person. And sometimes thing prohibit that also.



Kiakar, you have such a good attitude and didn't let the hurt poison your whole life. I hope you had and have a good support system. A similiar thing happened with my parents and we never knew until they split up. My mom made a happy home for us growing up and my dad was a good provider. We were the first priority and they stayed together much longer than she would have liked. Now they are both remarried and my mom is the strongest person I know. She is amazing and can do anything. She has been the best role model for me and I try to tell her that often. I also had two friends who were cheated on by their husbands. They kept their families together while their children were little. It is so easy to say they should have left them sooner but that's not always the reality. Sometimes relationships can be repaired or someone may not be able to leave because of financial reasons. My friends did their best to make it work, went to counseling, etc. but it didn't. I supported all of their decisions and told them both to always remember that they tried their hardest but there were too many problems (namely their husbands). They should never second guess their decisions. When they were able to they separated and divorced but it was a process. They took very good care of their children and they don't bad mouth their ex-husbands. They are also very strong women. They've moved on and have better lives now and they deserve it.
Wordsmith
kiakar
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Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS



Wrighty wrote:

kiakar wrote:
Lisa, I have never been ashamed of sharing my life. As I get older, I feel if I share it maybe it might help someone else in bad circumstances or similiar to mine. We are talking about destinies and fate and all that. I do believe we are put in situations to make out of it the best we can. Life is a giant puzzle. Some have little pieces and some larger ones. We definitely will not know the outcome until we meet with God but I feel that bad luck to one can mean good luck to another in the same breath. He chooses to take a piece of this and place it where he knows best it will go whether it causes storms or sunshine. I think that maybe your soul is designed to be a certain thing and whether you follow t his potentional is up to the person. And sometimes thing prohibit that also.



Kiakar, you have such a good attitude and didn't let the hurt poison your whole life. I hope you had and have a good support system. A similiar thing happened with my parents and we never knew until they split up. My mom made a happy home for us growing up and my dad was a good provider. We were the first priority and they stayed together much longer than she would have liked. Now they are both remarried and my mom is the strongest person I know. She is amazing and can do anything. She has been the best role model for me and I try to tell her that often. I also had two friends who were cheated on by their husbands. They kept their families together while their children were little. It is so easy to say they should have left them sooner but that's not always the reality. Sometimes relationships can be repaired or someone may not be able to leave because of financial reasons. My friends did their best to make it work, went to counseling, etc. but it didn't. I supported all of their decisions and told them both to always remember that they tried their hardest but there were too many problems (namely their husbands). They should never second guess their decisions. When they were able to they separated and divorced but it was a process. They took very good care of their children and they don't bad mouth their ex-husbands. They are also very strong women. They've moved on and have better lives now and they deserve it.





Thanks Wrighty for your comments. Your story helped me also. If people could share things, they could help alot of people.
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Wrighty
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS


kiakar wrote:Thanks Wrighty for your comments. Your story helped me also. If people could share things, they could help alot of people.



That's so true. I hope it makes you feel better to discuss it too. And I hope you can take comfort in knowing that everything we experience, every hardship we have gone through, has very likely been experienced by someone else as well. We are not alone.
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kiakar
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Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: THE COST OF SECRETS



Wrighty wrote:

kiakar wrote:Thanks Wrighty for your comments. Your story helped me also. If people could share things, they could help alot of people.



That's so true. I hope it makes you feel better to discuss it too. And I hope you can take comfort in knowing that everything we experience, every hardship we have gone through, has very likely been experienced by someone else as well. We are not alone.




This is so true also!. That is why it would help if people shared more. But these clubs that we reead such heartwarming books really help people see that others around them suffer the same pains they do. And you are right! It helps to vent also. You release so much tension, aggravation and such. Thanks for your comments, wrighty. Linda
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