WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7, 2012
B. As in BE late for book-signings! After all, authors are cool. And there’s nothing like a fashionably late arrival to make you look like the coolest author in the history of ever.9 Also, it shows booksellers how little you need them. It’ll make them try harder to win your affections.10
U. As in UNDERRATE libraries. That guy who called library users the welfare bums of the literary world? Right on, brother! I mean, seriously, they buy one book and then they let all those people read it for free?!? What good is that?11
Z. As in ZUSE, Konrad. This German engineer created the world’s first programmable automated binary computing device.12 And you know exactly why Konrad Zuse invented the computer: So people could post buy-my-book Amazon links on the Facebook walls of everyone they know at least once a month!13
Z. As in ZETA, as in blow most of your marketing budget to hire Catherine Zeta-Jones to star in your over-produced book trailer.14
These and other concepts are given further rumination in a book I wrote called Market or Lye15, the main point of which is that authors should use homemade soap to carve figurines of their main characters, and then give them away as swag at Malice Domestic. It also gives helpful hints about Twitter (which good for long-form narratives and essays); Skyping with book clubs (they can’t see you, so you don’t have to wear clothes!); blatant self-promotion (it’s what the MWA listserv was invented for, right?); and how to find your niche (Earth to Rosemary Harris: why do you keep trying to market your books to garden clubs, babe?16).
1. Brad suffered a severe blow to the head this morning. He has been talking nonsensically ever since. We’d take him to the hospital but this is more fun.
2. This from a guy who hasn’t made the bestseller list. And, trust us, it hasn’t been for lack of trying.
3. It’s Julia Spencer-Fleming. And unlike Brad, she actually has made the New York Times Bestseller List.
4. We have no idea why Brad is suddenly putting so many things in quotes. But hopefully we’ll get him to “stop.”
5. Brad has his book confused with Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None.
6. Yes, and the local prep school wants its jacket back.
7. It’s Phillippi. And did we mention it was a severe blow to the head?
8. Oh, God. M.J. Rose is gonna sue.
9. This is also a great way to get people to want to burn your book before you ever get a chance to sign it.
10. When they’re not throwing darts at the author photo on your dust jacket.
11. It’s called building an audience and it’s… oh, never mind. Maybe someone should
get him some Tylenol?
12. This may be the one sentence in this entire post that isn’t, in some way, deeply flawed.
13. Better yet, get us some Tylenol.
14. And the moral of the story: Never try to build an acronym with two Z’s in it.
15. Jennifer Fusco: Please accept our most sincere apologies.
16. Because the main character is a gar… ahh, forget it.
17. Patterson and Grisham would die first.
18. And now he has himself confused with Danielle Steel.
19. We’re putting Brad to bed. Feel free to, uh, “comment” on his post (damnit! Now we’re over-using quotation marks!).