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Distinguished Correspondent
mpebbs
Posts: 176
Registered: ‎12-22-2009
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Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

I recently read a rear end referred to as "plush" to which I wonder who is this self deluding?

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paulgoatallen
Posts: 7,327
Registered: ‎08-16-2007

Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

 


dalnewt wrote:

This isn't a sex scene, it's a sexual description of Jane True getting turned on when Anyan captures her during a training session in the latest book, Tempest's Legacy (Jane True Series #3). Plus, it's not cheesy so much as vaguely disturbing. 

 

During a training session, Anyan, (the shape changing braghest), is chasing Jane through the park after advising her to use her powers to help her run. She's elated by her powered running and rounds off a cartwheel when she reaches the clearing where the chase originally started. Of course, that leads to Jane falling, and Anyan capturing her with her breasts compressed against his forearm. What follows is a disturbing/weird sexual reference (which is italicized on p. 224 of Tempest's Legacy):

 

...So when I finally remembered I needed oxygen to live, I drew in a huge, shuddering breath that necessarily lodged the barghest's rigid arm tighter against my breasts. An act that, equally necessarily, set off a whole other set of reactions in my already heaving bosoms.

 

   If my nipples get any harder, I'm gonna bore a hole in his arm. Even my libido was panicking at that thought. 


 

You're right about Nicole's saga – but I won't describe her scenes so much as cheesy as they are funny. She writes these lines are purpose while some of the other scenes listed by other authors, I'm assuming, are supposed to be serious!

 

Paul

"There never can be a man so lost as one who is lost in the vast and intricate corridors of his own lonely mind, where none may reach and none may save..." – Isaac Asimov, Pebble in the Sky
Distinguished Bibliophile
dalnewt
Posts: 2,725
Registered: ‎06-16-2009
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Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

 


paulgoatallen wrote:

 


dalnewt wrote:

This isn't a sex scene, it's a sexual description of Jane True getting turned on when Anyan captures her during a training session in the latest book, Tempest's Legacy (Jane True Series #3). Plus, it's not cheesy so much as vaguely disturbing. 

 

During a training session, Anyan, (the shape changing braghest), is chasing Jane through the park after advising her to use her powers to help her run. She's elated by her powered running and rounds off a cartwheel when she reaches the clearing where the chase originally started. Of course, that leads to Jane falling, and Anyan capturing her with her breasts compressed against his forearm. What follows is a disturbing/weird sexual reference (which is italicized on p. 224 of Tempest's Legacy):

 

...So when I finally remembered I needed oxygen to live, I drew in a huge, shuddering breath that necessarily lodged the barghest's rigid arm tighter against my breasts. An act that, equally necessarily, set off a whole other set of reactions in my already heaving bosoms.

 

   If my nipples get any harder, I'm gonna bore a hole in his arm. Even my libido was panicking at that thought. 


 

You're right about Nicole's saga – but I won't describe her scenes so much as cheesy as they are funny. She writes these lines are purpose while some of the other scenes listed by other authors, I'm assuming, are supposed to be serious!

 

Paul


You're right about Nicole purposely writing wonky sexual references to amuse. I guess I just have an aversion to any primary or secondary sexual organ being compared, in any way, to an offensive weapon/power tool. Nipples boring through flesh qualifies as mildly yucky although admittedly humorous.

 

Contributor
Susie_Schweiger
Posts: 9
Registered: ‎01-23-2011
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Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

Jazz Hands?? Wow I think we have a winner,for cheesy lines during romance novel sex scenes. Cause the first thing I think of when describing making love is...jazz hands. Maybe the author was watching some musical theater on tv while writing?

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."
— Audrey Hepburn
Contributor
Fawn48340
Posts: 8
Registered: ‎01-20-2011

Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

funNY! EVERYTIME I HEAR THOSE WORDS I THINK ABOUT MY MOm. she told me when she moved down south as a teenager some lady at a truck stop she worked at told her she had the biggest brown eyes she ever seen. mom replied i don't have brown eyes, thier green. ha!ha!ha!

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Fawn48340
Posts: 8
Registered: ‎01-20-2011
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Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

:smileyvery-happy:laughing so hard i'm gonna cry!!!

Moderator
paulgoatallen
Posts: 7,327
Registered: ‎08-16-2007

Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

From Allison Pang's debut A Brush of Darkness, although in Pang's defense, it was supposed to be cheesy:

 

 

"I let my hand stroke boldly downward, my fingers aching to set him free, to grasp his turgid magnificence." (p. 58)

 

:smileyhappy:

 

 

"There never can be a man so lost as one who is lost in the vast and intricate corridors of his own lonely mind, where none may reach and none may save..." – Isaac Asimov, Pebble in the Sky
Distinguished Bibliophile
dalnewt
Posts: 2,725
Registered: ‎06-16-2009
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Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

 


paulgoatallen wrote:

From Allison Pang's debut A Brush of Darkness, although in Pang's defense, it was supposed to be cheesy:

 

 

"I let my hand stroke boldly downward, my fingers aching to set him free, to grasp his turgid magnificence." (p. 58)

 

:smileyhappy:

 

 


:smileyvery-happy: "turgid magnificence":smileyvery-happy: Corny and ridiculous. Funny too!

 

Moderator
paulgoatallen
Posts: 7,327
Registered: ‎08-16-2007

Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

 

 

 

 

"There never can be a man so lost as one who is lost in the vast and intricate corridors of his own lonely mind, where none may reach and none may save..." – Isaac Asimov, Pebble in the Sky
Correspondent
wyntermoon
Posts: 95
Registered: ‎11-10-2010
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Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality


paulgoatallen wrote:

 

 

 

 


~wipes my eyes from laughing so hard~ velvet rock?? Seriously?? I mean some things just should not be put into print and this is one of them.....that is like not a turn on it is......well......just sad.....there are other ways to say things and perhaps someone should give this author some sex tips??

Distinguished Bibliophile
dalnewt
Posts: 2,725
Registered: ‎06-16-2009

Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

 


paulgoatallen wrote:

 

 

 

 


From somewhere I remember the cheesy euphemism 'silken rod' but 'velvet rock' is both cheesy and bizarre. I picture a moss covered rock on the ground which bears no similarity to the appendage in question. 

 

Moderator
dhaupt
Posts: 11,865
Registered: ‎10-19-2006

Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

Whenever I need a pick me up (no pun intended) I always head over to this thread and as usual I'm wiping my eyes. Velvet Rock and Turgid Magnificence indeed, do you think the authors or editors just have phallus in the manuscript and then scroll through all the adjectives and play eeny meeny :smileyhappy:

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paulgoatallen
Posts: 7,327
Registered: ‎08-16-2007
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Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

I wish more readers would post their findings here – the more, the merrier!

 

Paul

"There never can be a man so lost as one who is lost in the vast and intricate corridors of his own lonely mind, where none may reach and none may save..." – Isaac Asimov, Pebble in the Sky
Moderator
paulgoatallen
Posts: 7,327
Registered: ‎08-16-2007
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Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

[ Edited ]

Hey guys, I thought it was time to collect these together and write a blog (link below). I did a little research and found some amazingly bad sex scenes from some genre fiction and literary fiction releases. Please read this blog – it's funny and disgusting and cheestastic!

 

Paul

 

 

http://bookclubs.barnesandnoble.com/t5/Explorations-The-BN-SciFi-and/quot-To-Grasp-His-Turgid-Magnif...

"There never can be a man so lost as one who is lost in the vast and intricate corridors of his own lonely mind, where none may reach and none may save..." – Isaac Asimov, Pebble in the Sky
Moderator
paulgoatallen
Posts: 7,327
Registered: ‎08-16-2007

Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

This was the most bizarre find, from Bronwyn: Silk and Steel by Ron Miller:

 

 • “Her face had the fragrance of a gibbous moon. The scent of fresh snow. Her eyes were dark birds in fresh snow. They were the birds’ shadows, they were mirrors; they were the legends on old charts. They were antique armor and the tears of dragons. Her brows were a raptor’s sharp, anxious wings. They were a pair of scythes. Her ears were a puzzle carved in ivory. Her teeth were her only bracelet; she carried them within the red velvet purse of her lips. Her tongue was amber. Her tongue was a ferret, an anemone, a fox caught in the teeth of a tiger… Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth white stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny, lean animals.” – Bronwyn: Silk and Steel by Ron Miller

 

 

http://bookclubs.barnesandnoble.com/t5/Explorations-The-BN-SciFi-and/When-Good-Fantasy-Sex-Scenes-Go...

 

 

 

"There never can be a man so lost as one who is lost in the vast and intricate corridors of his own lonely mind, where none may reach and none may save..." – Isaac Asimov, Pebble in the Sky
Distinguished Bibliophile
dalnewt
Posts: 2,725
Registered: ‎06-16-2009

Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

[ Edited ]

 


paulgoatallen wrote:

This was the most bizarre find, from Bronwyn: Silk and Steel by Ron Miller:

 

 

 • “Her face had the fragrance of a gibbous moon. The scent of fresh snow. Her eyes were dark birds in fresh snow. They were the birds’ shadows, they were mirrors; they were the legends on old charts. They were antique armor and the tears of dragons. Her brows were a raptor’s sharp, anxious wings. They were a pair of scythes. Her ears were a puzzle carved in ivory. Her teeth were her only bracelet; she carried them within the red velvet purse of her lips. Her tongue was amber. Her tongue was a ferret, an anemone, a fox caught in the teeth of a tiger… Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth white stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny, lean animals.” – Bronwyn: Silk and Steel by Ron Miller

 

http://bookclubs.barnesandnoble.com/t5/Explorations-The-BN-SciFi-and/When-Good-Fantasy-Sex-Scenes-Go...


Talk about mixed metaphors!:smileysurprised::smileytongue:

 

Actually, I like some of the references to animals/nature, but others are way too weird.

 

What does it mean when a face smells like a gibbous moon? The moon is too far away to smell like anything, and the allegory calls to mind a round, full moon--not exactly the ideal shape for a face. I like the similes about the scent of fresh snow and the avian metaphors, but teeth as a bracelet and lips like a red purse, well, I'm thinking cannibals here.:smileyhappy: The tongue stuff is OK, but what kind of a tongue is amber? And, teeth like a tiger is not an appealling metaphor.

 

OK, now we get to the really bizarre stuff:


Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth white stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny, lean animals.” 


 

First of all, if you want to be metaphorical, you don't refer to 'pubes'.:smileyvery-happy::smileytongue: (And, when you use a plural noun, use a plural verb.)

 

Secondly, the metaphors are just too diverse. Some of them completely contradict others.

 

Further, the whole 'orchid' thing is just too cliche for me. There's a famous painter, whose name I can't remember, who painted women's sexual organs like orchids. But I always preferred that actual painting of an orchid to trying to make a women's genitals look like orchids. I like the paintings of orchids by Georgia O'Keefe; but, even they have become a cliche.

 

 

Wordsmith
3monstersmom
Posts: 871
Registered: ‎03-04-2009

Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

 


paulgoatallen wrote:

This was the most bizarre find, from Bronwyn: Silk and Steel by Ron Miller:

 

 

 • “Her face had the fragrance of a gibbous moon. The scent of fresh snow. Her eyes were dark birds in fresh snow. They were the birds’ shadows, they were mirrors; they were the legends on old charts. They were antique armor and the tears of dragons. Her brows were a raptor’s sharp, anxious wings. They were a pair of scythes. Her ears were a puzzle carved in ivory. Her teeth were her only bracelet; she carried them within the red velvet purse of her lips. Her tongue was amber. Her tongue was a ferret, an anemone, a fox caught in the teeth of a tiger… Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth white stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny, lean animals.” – Bronwyn: Silk and Steel by Ron Miller

 

 

 

http://bookclubs.barnesandnoble.com/t5/Explorations-The-BN-SciFi-and/When-Good-Fantasy-Sex-Scenes-Go...

 

 

 


 

Well that gave me two different reactions:

 

1.) Ewwwwww  

 

and then 

 

2.) Wait. What are we talking about again?

 

That was a long and awkward description that I hope to never encounter again. :smileytongue: 

 

Inspired Wordsmith
FaeryQueen
Posts: 347
Registered: ‎01-04-2009

Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

Here is a little bit of cheese from 

 

Destiny of the Wolf 

 

"His rigid erection pressed against her waist, urgent, hungry to batter down her virginal barrier." (NOOK page 138)

 

All I can say is OUCH!

Moderator
paulgoatallen
Posts: 7,327
Registered: ‎08-16-2007
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Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

 


FaeryQueen wrote:

Here is a little bit of cheese from 

 

Destiny of the Wolf 

 

"His rigid erection pressed against her waist, urgent, hungry to batter down her virginal barrier." (NOOK page 138)

 

All I can say is OUCH!


 

Hey, that is a good one, FaeryQueen! Reminds me of “His man lance prepared for duty." from Naked Dragon by Annette Blair. Thanks for the post!  :smileyhappy:

 

Paul

 

"There never can be a man so lost as one who is lost in the vast and intricate corridors of his own lonely mind, where none may reach and none may save..." – Isaac Asimov, Pebble in the Sky
Distinguished Bibliophile
dalnewt
Posts: 2,725
Registered: ‎06-16-2009
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Re: Quivering Puppies: Cheesy Sex Scenes and/or Descriptions of Sexuality

[ Edited ]

 


FaeryQueen wrote:

Here is a little bit of cheese from 

 

Destiny of the Wolf 

 

"His rigid erection pressed against her waist, urgent, hungry to batter down her virginal barrier." (NOOK page 138)

 

All I can say is OUCH!


 

Can you say ram rod?!!!:smileytongue: Maybe battering ram is more accurate?!!!:smileyvery-happy:

 

I know some people like to refer to anthropomorphize their member, but this particular member sounds like an independent, hungry animal between his legs.

 

Geez, both cheesy and gross!