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Contributor
TheQuietGirl
Posts: 10
Registered: ‎03-07-2011

A Teen Writer Needs Your Opinion!!!

[ Edited ]

Hi! I recently posted a summary of my story "The Kill" (message titled "Would You Read This?) on the Teen Reads page and after some people showing interest I decided that it would be awesome if some die hard book nerds like myself ; ) could read my story and give me some tips, pointers, opinions, (reviews?)
P.S   I am just a High School student! Please be nice! Writing is my hobby not my sick obcession so a novice mistake will be common.
P.P.S   This message is also going on the Writing Room page as well.
P.P.PS   Just so you know, I am not some kind of sick bloody person. This story is quite dark for me, and frankly it once gave me nightmares.


        1        

My dear companion,
    You, Ty, are not a fool so I can rightfully assume that you have guessed that this absence of mine is one of permanence.  It pains my non existent heart that I must leave you but do not worry, for I have given you, my precious Inanimis, a purpose. I am ashamed to say that I have kept a secret from my closest companion but alas. You see, I have a son. He is celebrating his sixteenth year so you know what to do.
                                Sincerely,
                                    James

    That’s it?
    Over a century of faithful servitude and all my “dear” master can find to say is a five sentence paragraph! With every word I read I could almost hear his mocking laugh biting at my ears. My fists clenched up as I read the short letter over and over again, my eyes scanning for a clue that could possibly lead to the location of my disappeared master. As the light from the fireplace started to dim I lost all patience. With a deep breath I slowly and deliberately tore the paper in halves. Two, four, and so on until all what was left were tiny shards. I tossed the remains into the dying embers and sank deeply into my chair, as I tried to calm myself down for rest.
    I could deal with the tediousness of being alone. I have handled it before and could do it again. But this boy…this mysterious son, he could be trouble. Even against the soft velvet of my cushioned seat I started to get a migraine. I groaned to myself. I cannot believe I haven’t even met this son of James and yet he already is more trouble than he is worth.
    “Are you all right, sir?”
    There by the door stood a young lady by the name of Denise or something of the sort. I never was one to get to know the help that served on my master’s estate and this lady was no exception. The only reason I had recognized her at all was because she was one of James’s most famous, and favorite, lovers. James and I might have disagreed over many things in our long partnership but never could I disagree on his taste in women. She was beautiful, as all of his lovers were, with dark hair, eyes, and a smart mouth that always had on that devilish smirk that James had found so appealing. Even without the knowledge that the woman’s eyes were lingering on my body, I knew what she was here for. All the housekeepers of James’s estate were strictly told to leave the vicinity at seven sharp, for the nightly activities at this house were a bit too much for the average mortal’s capacity. But yet here she stood all because of one minor suggestive glance I gave her at dinner. How foolish some humans were.
    I had never planned on acting out on my feelings for this marvelous creature however. James kept his harem of ladies to himself, but of course James wasn’t here.
    “I heard you groan and I wanted to make sure you were okay,” she said as she twirled her dark hair through her fingers, as she returned my attention back to her. “I was just staying to try and finish some um..laundry, yes! I was trying to finish the laundry for you and um.. Mr. Black. “
    I forced myself to hold in the sad laugh that was threatening to crawl up my throat at this pathetic human’s attempt at lying. But a soft chuckle slipped out and saw that look of confusion dart across her porcine face.
    “It’s quite all right,” I said as I stood up and poured myself a glass of wine from the bottle sitting on the table at my chair’s side. “You don’t have to lie. Because of Mr. Black’s absence this will be our little secret.” A smile appeared on her face, masking out any confusion she had held before. I smiled back, playing the game. I figured if I was going to make a sin why not make another.
    “Would you like some?” I asked as I motioned to the second glass.
    “I would love some,” she replied sweetly, taking my hint. As her lips touched the glass I glanced at the clock. It read quarter after ten. That would give me plenty of time to enjoy this beautiful creature’s…presence before I would really need her.
                
Her breath was hot on my naked shoulder and her body soft against mine. She had fallen asleep not too long ago, leaving me with my thoughts. I unraveled myself from the sheets and picked up my clothes from the floor, with only the moonlight to define the shapes in the dark room.  The clock on my bedside table read seven to twelve, and I would have to decide soon. With the help of the moon I opened one of my table’s drawers, and drew out a silver dagger. With as much carefulness as if it was a loaded gun I sat it on my leg. The moonlight shone off of it and darkly temped me.
Her breath and her slowly pounding heart were the only sounds in the room. I pondered long and hard as I closed my eyes and tried to block everything out, but her breathing and her heartbeats remained in my ears. Every beat echoed through me, steady and deathly hypnotizing. As each moment passed it felt as if there was a large caged animal inside of me, clawing, and ripping its way through any force that tried to contain it. Never before had I ever resisted, tonight was no exception. Slowly I picked up the dagger and turned to her. Careful, as to not break her flesh I trailed its point along her forehead, down her smooth cheek, and down the line between her two warm breasts until it rested right above her heart.
As carefully and as deliberately as I torn the paper, I dug the dagger into her heart.
As the point pierced her body her eyes flashed opened and her mouth took in a breath to scream. With my free hand I grabbed a pillow and placed it over her face. For two, three minutes, she struggled until she was dead or dead enough for me to rip her heart from her chest and hold the bloody organ in my hand.
Delicately, I placed the dagger back into its drawer. Every motion took extra concentration, for adrenaline was pounding loud and hard in my ears, masking out my common sense. I had only minutes at most to finish this or all my effort would have been a waste. Been careful not to drop a bit of blood on the floor, I traveled down the hall in the now abandoned James’s room. Like a robot my moves were mechanical, I dug under James’s bed with one hand and took out a blood red silk bag. Out from the fabric I slid out a large silver mirror. I sat the mirror on James’s bed and placed the dead creature’s bloody heart on its face just as the clock struck twelve.
My own heart beat as franticly as it had the first time I had stood in this very spot. Soaked with blood, my hands quivered and shook as the clock chimed over and over. Each time, every muscle in my body tensed, preparing myself. For a moment there was nothing but pure silence. Then as if the Devil himself had set the mirror afire, the disembodied heart started to burn. The smell of rotting flesh filled my nostrils as layer after layer the heart’s tissues melted away. The pool of blood that had formed around it boiled, creating hundreds of bubbles that dotted the red expanse. I threw my hands over my ears to block what I knew was coming next. On cue, the burning form burst forth a shrill scream so terrible it almost brought me to my knees. The destroyed soul cried and howled out for salvation. But the flesh continued to burn as fast as before, but now was absorbed into the mirror. As piece after piece melted into the mirror the remains pierced the night with sound that increased with more and more force as the seconds ticked on.
“Here before you,” I shouted, “I now present the heart of the unwilling.” I belted the phrase as loud as I could over the screams. “With this gift of flesh and blood,” I started as the portions of the heart decreased in size, as more and more was eaten by the mirror. “With this gift of flesh and blood, I now command you to show me…the Hounds!”
All sounds ceased and I collapsed to the floor.
The air left my lungs and blood was the only smell in my nose. Slowly, as to make sure I wouldn’t fall to pieces, I picked myself off the floor and leaned over James’s bed to view the image that now appeared in the reflection. All the blood and gore had disappeared and in its place was a dark image.
As faint as a mirage, a forest scene appeared on the face of the cursed silver mirror. I knew that place. I knew every piece of bark, moss, weed, and leaf in that whole area. I scanned the shadows, looking for them. I knew they would be lurking in the darkest creases of the night. They would be pacing, treading under the night stars with their coat matted with blood. They would lick their lips in desperation. Their eyes and nose would always be searching, as they have since they have risen from the deepest pit in Hell to this Earth, for my master and I, and others like us.
For a fragment of a second, my eyes caught motion, and, in a distorted motion, a creature moved into the light. Instantly, my blood ran cold and I had no doubts about the necessity of my slaughter. The Hell Hound crept out from his hiding place, with his red eyes being the only part of him that looked even parallel to those of the living. All the flesh on the canine’s body was rotted. His limbs were twisted and broken, and his face was so torn that the features were blended in an unnatural form. My mind could not stop my memory from remembering the smell of that burning heart and all the hearts that had been slayed in that very spot. But this was not my first time peering over this mirror; I was stronger now so therefore I would watch.
Faster than the first, two other Hounds crept from the shadows. Their bodies were in much better shape but theirs eyes held that same stare. Their muzzles were drenched in blood and I could not help but wonder if they had been doing the same thing as I.
Slowly, the image faded, and I was left standing over a bloody mirror, under the stars, in the room of my absent master.
                
    My decision had been made.
    I would kill the Hell Hounds before they killed me.
                
James used to call my hunting an obsession. He was right.
After I had slid the mirror back into its place and cleaned off my hands I raced to my room. Ignoring the carcass on my bed I flung open the door to my closet. In the far back was a metal chest. I took the ever-present key off from around my neck and unlocked its iron chains.
The air inside was cold and as I picked up my weapons I noticed the chill that rang from them. It had been several weeks since I had last hunted, and that was far too long. I hooked my three daggers to my belt and placed my sword into it’s sheath around my body. These had been my gift from James when I had agreed to be his Inanimis. We have been together ever since.
The well known thrill of excitement filled my insides up. This is the reason I have survived the past one hundred years. This is my purpose. I live for the kill.
Precisely, I put on my hunting boots and jacket. They were both made from a warm, rich leather, which still had the smell of woods linger on them. Finally, I was prepared to leave. But as I walked to the door my boot stepped into an all too familiar liquid. The blood from the gaping whole in the woman’s chest had ran down onto my bed and down onto the floor, creating a pool at my feet. Normally, I wouldn’t give this a thought, I would go hunting and when I returned, burn the sheets and the body. But then there was that boy. James had not given me any information on when this boy would make an appearance, and this sight would create too many problems. I shook my head in frustration. But with a deep sigh I gave in and began to clean up the mess.
















Distinguished Correspondent
Cheyenne_Catina
Posts: 2,066
Registered: ‎10-18-2008
0 Kudos

Re: A Teen Writer Needs Your Opinion!!!

sounds pretty good:smileyhappy:

"He is bound to you,” said the Queen. “But does he love you?"
Inspired Correspondent
djamphir88
Posts: 417
Registered: ‎05-27-2010

Re: A Teen Writer Needs Your Opinion!!!

Really Good I LOVED it!!!! Just my bit of blood and gore, didn't think it was that Dark!!!!! J/K I can't wait to read more of course!!!!! One bit of advice,(don't know if this was planned or not) but it would be nice to give the main character a tangible description with a name and how he looks in the introduction!!!! But you gave a great emotional description, and gave the reader a better idea how the main character thinks and his personality. I have been waiting for a book like this!!!!! Great rough draft!!

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Pictures, Images and Photos
Contributor
TheQuietGirl
Posts: 10
Registered: ‎03-07-2011
0 Kudos

Re: A Teen Writer Needs Your Opinion!!!

Thank you! Yayyy! I'm so happy that you like it! :smileyvery-happy: I will try to put the second chapter up when I finish it so you can read it. And I will definently try to work in some descriptions of the main character (Ty) when I edit this chapter some more.

Bibliophile
ZoeyRedbird
Posts: 1,067
Registered: ‎06-23-2009

Re: A Teen Writer Needs Your Opinion!!!

=) I also REALLY loved it!! I thought you said you were new with this whole writing thing? Lol But really your story exceeded what I expected. This is a really unique idea and I have never heard of anything like it! I can't wait until you post the second chapter! Keep up the great work Quiet Girl!

 

"You have to dream before your dreams can come true."
Abdul Kalam
"What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?"
Robert H. Schuller

Inspired Contributor
bamfan20
Posts: 38
Registered: ‎03-30-2011

Re: A Teen Writer Needs Your Opinion!!!

Fantasticly written! It was very interesting and unique. Definatly something i would consider reading. Why dont you add a synopsis or just a quick overview about the "book" just so we have an idea what its about. and definatly describe the main character...we got a great overview of him but we wanna know more! All in all it was very impresive! i liked it alot good luck with your writting!!

Contributor
TheQuietGirl
Posts: 10
Registered: ‎03-07-2011

Re: A Teen Writer Needs Your Opinion!!!

Thank you!! Just so you know I did post a summery of the story titled "Would You Read This???" And I decided that you will know what the character (Ty) looks like by the third chapter at least. That's when Scott comes and Ty starts to think about what he might look like to this kid. I want to try and make it seem like you are cimpletly tied into Ty's brain and you only know what he is thinking of at that moment. Don't worry! Soon you will know tons about Ty.

Distinguished Wordsmith
BeeZnEEz101
Posts: 494
Registered: ‎03-11-2009
0 Kudos

Re: A Teen Writer Needs Your Opinion!!!

Very well-written!

Inspired Contributor
bamfan20
Posts: 38
Registered: ‎03-30-2011
0 Kudos

Re: A Teen Writer Needs Your Opinion!!!

Yay im kinda excited to see more of your story! I really liked it!

Distinguished Correspondent
the_vampire_girl
Posts: 61
Registered: ‎02-01-2011
0 Kudos

Re: A Teen Writer Needs Your Opinion!!!

I love your story! I would definitely like to read more!

- the vampire girl ♥

currently reading: Beautiful Creatures + The Forest of Hands and Teeth

http://itisabookthing.blogspot.com/