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Distinguished Wordsmith
_K3LS3Y_
Posts: 840
Registered: ‎01-20-2009

Harsh criticism needed

Any feedback on this would be great!

 

Have you ever watched something fall? Something that means a lot to you, something that you know is irreplaceable. Maybe somebody pushed it too close to the edge, and it just accidently fell. Maybe you dropped something that you know you can never get back no matter how hard you try.


I have. My friend, Katie, she fell. I wonder what it was like for her, walking to the edge of the bridge, with the cement floor underneath her. Was she fearless? Or was she frightened? I guess I'll never know. I do know why she died though, she told me. I could've stopped her, she might still be here. If only I heard her, if only I really listened to her.
____

Even though Katie was my next door neighbor I never imagined we would be friends. She was always shy and never talked, it seemed as if she wasn't even there sometimes. Her brunette hair covered up her thin face. She always looked down at her feet while walking, as if she were looking for dropped money. When she was nervous, she bit her nails. I, on the other hand, have blonde hair, always pulling it out of my face. My mother always told me it made my eyes brighter. I am socialable, I know everyone and everyone knows me. I try not to make enemies but I have my best friend to tell my secrets to.

 

We became friends when my mother made me go get sugar from the next door neighbor's house. Katie's house. Katie answered the ring of the doorbell. Her mom wasn't home but she said she'd get me the ingredient. I was invited in and was soon embraced by this wonderful smell. I remember asking her what it was and she answered saying it was her chocolate chip cookies. She gave me some, they were wonderful. It wasn't like she was new or anything, I just felt the urge to know who she was, what her story was. I told her about me and asked her about herself.

 

She told me about her dad, "He's at work all the time, it's like he's running away." She laughed, making it a joke, but now I look back and remember the sadness in her eyes and wonder if he really was just 'working'. She mentioned her mom, "Beautiful, full of life, and free-spirited." She was an only child, but her parents didn't pay attention to her. "She grew up too fast" I remember thinking to myself one night when I stayed over. She never had a childhood, she was always doing things for herself.

 

 

 

 

This is all I have now. If anybody likes it I will continue:smileyhappy: Thanks!:smileyhappy:

You always get your happy ending
If you're not happy...then it's not the end
Frequent Contributor
Jess25
Posts: 81
Registered: ‎02-22-2010
0 Kudos

Re: Harsh criticism needed

I liked it alot sociable is spelled wrong but it was interesting and I would definitely read more if there was more to read

Wordsmith
Golden_Reader12
Posts: 347
Registered: ‎12-28-2008
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Re: Harsh criticism needed

Wow great job!!!! I mean it. The first part really grabs you- I can see that part being on like the back or front flap of a book :smileyhappy:. The second part seemed a little rushed though, maybe just a few more details where she went over to the house. I know I would at least like to read more of it so keep it up!

"There would be little reason to lie down at night without the possibility of seeing things bigger and more amazing than the average day might bring about. Why pick up a pen or type on a keyboard if there's no imagination or wonder left to behold?"
-pg 3 of Leven Thumps and the Wrath of Ezra
Correspondent
b00kwerm
Posts: 184
Registered: ‎11-29-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Harsh criticism needed

This was really good!!! =]

 

I have one comment for the last sentence of that first paragraph.

I think it should be in past tense because the rest of the piece is.

 

so...

Maybe you dropped something that you knew you could never get back no matter how hard you tried.

 


Distinguished Wordsmith
_K3LS3Y_
Posts: 840
Registered: ‎01-20-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Harsh criticism needed

Thank you guys for the feedback:smileyhappy: I like your way of the last sentence! Thank you:smileyhappy: And most definately I'm adding more:smileyhappy:

 

Thanks again to all of you:smileyhappy:

You always get your happy ending
If you're not happy...then it's not the end
Inspired Contributor
KaylaNicole_MusicLover
Posts: 119
Registered: ‎06-08-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Harsh criticism needed

I really like it, especially the first paragraph. Good job!

Inspired Correspondent
CharlieG31
Posts: 257
Registered: ‎01-06-2010
0 Kudos

Re: Harsh criticism needed

It is really good the way you start and grab the readers attention!

Please continue lol

 

"The questions are more essential than the answers."
Karl Theodor Jaspers

ALN
Wordsmith
ALN
Posts: 219
Registered: ‎07-14-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Harsh criticism needed

I love the beginning. Sounds just like a book I would read. It really pulls you in. I hope you continue with it, I would really like to read more.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. "
Distinguished Wordsmith
_K3LS3Y_
Posts: 840
Registered: ‎01-20-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Harsh criticism needed

thank you for all the feedback I appreiciate it, I'm working on it so hopefully I'll post more soon:smileyhappy:

You always get your happy ending
If you're not happy...then it's not the end
New User
EdwardLover123456
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎03-25-2010
0 Kudos

Re: Harsh criticism needed

This is great! I want more!!! Very well written I wont be surprised if you have a book in the next ten years!!!!:smileytongue:

New User
EdwardLover123456
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎03-25-2010
0 Kudos

Re: Harsh criticism needed

Amazing!!!