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Frequent Contributor
crazyARTISTICmind
Posts: 32
Registered: ‎04-30-2009

a Story I'm writing; please comment!

this is my story. i have no clue if i'm going to continue writing this piece but it was fun. please read! i'll appreciate it greatly! :smileyvery-happy:


 

Day-Walker: Accalia Day-Dreamer

 

I had everything I wanted in life.

I had a good, prosperous family.

I had my favorite frilly dresses.

I would be marrying a handsome upper-class man.

I would become even richer than before.

I would have been happy.

Where did all of that go?

 

It started when war broke out centuries ago. The word ‘war’ seemed like a very distant term to me. It wasn’t in my vocabulary. I knew there was war around our town of Titanus, but it never affected my life.

The war of the Night-Stalkers and Day-Walkers didn’t matter to me. Everything was supposed to revolve around me. I was a gorgeous Morning Elf and I had just reached the age of maturity.

The war was not important at all. It was more like the dark film in the background of my bright and happy pictures.

And one day it decided to make its grand entrance into my life.


Night-Stalker: Zafina Ink-Heart

 

“Hush!” I whispered to Anwell, grabbing his arm to steer us away from the ongoing battle. We sprint over the large rocks and past the giant trees looking for somewhere safe.

We stopped in a small clearing in the dense forest. My ears twitched, hearing distant footsteps following us. They were too close.

Pit pat. Pit pat.

Pit pat.

Pit

I tugged Anwell to continue running. As I turned around, an arrow glided through the air, skimming my cheek. Red ruby tears slid down my face. I touched the stinging wound gently with my fingers. I looked at the red paint on my hand.

Anwell stared at the outside of the clearing in horror.

We were caught.

Anwell clung to my pants, tears silently streaming from his face. He looked hard at the trees and underbrush, trying to find the enemy.

“I’m going to fight,” He whispered to me. “I rather die fighting than be killed without trying.”

A smile tugged at my lips. I had taught him well, but I wasn’t going to let him fight. I wouldn’t let my baby brother die. I stepped in front of Anwell, crouching down into fighting stance.

“What are you doing?” Anwell whispered angrily.

“I’m not letting you fight,” I said, still scanning the forest. “While I distract them, you run into the forest and find somewhere safe to hide.”

“No, I want to-”

“Halt, demons!” A deep voice boomed. Anwell and I turned our heads to the voice.

The Day-Walker army was climbing out of the bushes holding swords and arrows. There was no way I could take down people with swords.

Anwell and I slowly began walking backwards, hoping that they wouldn’t notice.

“Halt, I said!” The male Day-Walker elf shouted again, stopping us in our tracks. He held out his bow, ready to shoot us if we moved again. “That’s better. Come to us!”

Anwell and I stayed where we were. My plan wouldn’t work. Anwell wouldn’t be able to get away. We would both die either in the clearing or wherever they would send us.

“Sister, I don’t want to separate for you,” Anwell sobbed silently, holding onto my blouse. “What will they do to us?”

I don’t know, I said to myself. I couldn’t tell Anwell that. I didn’t want to worry him even more.

“Come now or I’ll shoot!” The Day-Walkers shouted.

I closed my eyes and raised my face to the sky shuddering. Hot tears ran down my face, rinsing off the blood on my cheek. It still stung. But soon that would stop. My pain would end. We were going to die and the pain would stop—

“Sister!” Anwell cried, tugging my shirt. “What do we do?”

I looked at Anwell and then the darkening sky. I saw a new hope in the shadowy skies. Night would soon be coming. We might make it.

“Night is coming, Anwell.” I whispered to him. “We’ll run away from here.”

“That was your last warning,” The Day-Walker shouted. “We are not going to hold back on you.” He looked at his army and raised his sword. “Charge!”

The Day-Walker soldiers ran towards us, swords raised to the air. The sun disappeared and the last light went away. The moon rose up into the darkened sky joining the stars.

My body began to shake wildly. It felt like heavy burning cloth draped over me. I fell to the ground, grabbing the grass, trying to resist a growl that coming from my parted lips. Suddenly, I burst into a creature of night. I was a Lynx.

I wasn’t a weak pathetic Midnight Elf named Zafina Ink-Heart anymore. The night was my territory. Day-Walkers were my prey now. I could smell Anwell from where I was. He was a wolf.

I heard the Day-Walkers stop in their tracks. I could smell their fear of us. I could easily kill them all. They knew that too.

I was hungry and all I saw in front of me was food. I growl, stalking closer to the Day-Walkers. Anwell was right behind me following. He was also hungry.

I yowled. Anwell howled.

The lynx and wolf rushed at their prey, leaving none of Morning Elves alive.

Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmentry?
-William Blake
Distinguished Correspondent
BLUEICEGAL
Posts: 1,846
Registered: ‎06-25-2008

Re: a Story I'm writing; please comment!

I tend to give feedback on the pieces of work that really stand out for me, apart from the end which for some reason I don't know maybe its just me just seemed like you could have described or chosen your words better since its coming of to this exiting climax keeping us all intrigued il write my version

 

I could feel my body changing and for the first time I welcomed it I didn't have to look behind me to know Anwell had already changed the deep growl that was full of anger and excitement I knew was coming from him, he was a wolf just as I was a lynx, I stretched my limbs, that felt good it felt real good, the first thing that hit me me full force was the smell, I could feel Anwells restlessness as he stalked up beside me,

"food" he said sending me his thoughts

"soon brother be patient" I replied

 

I looked ahead at the Day walkers who were frozen still it was flight and fight and I could pretty much guess what they had decided, by the look of it they were backing away slowly but surely

they wouldn't see it coming, we would be far to fast for them id like to say  I might spare at least one individual or that their death will be a quick one but that would be a lie, and their is no going back as we leap towards them their fate has already been decided

 

now to the good part i think what you have is fantastic so far! its so differnt from your average story line, and i already find myself rooting for the Night walkers! lol i really have to give you the thumbs up on this one, youve done a great job so far, id like to read more if thats possible and i hope you didnt take the fact that i wrote my own version or any comments persoanlly i really like what youve done so far so i just wanted to help you out and thought if you like what ive written feel free to add bits or whatver to yours, best of luck keep up the good work!

Wanna know the awesomeness that is moi??? movies, artists, gossip and the latest reviews of your fav books not to mention my upcoming twilight parody that i am currently working on is all here folks!! @ My Blog Fantasy4eva spread the word girls :smileyhappy:
Fantasy4eva
Bibliophile
ZoeyRedbird
Posts: 1,067
Registered: ‎06-23-2009
0 Kudos

Re: a Story I'm writing; please comment!

I really like the story but I agree with Blue on how you should end your story. It's very different from any other stories I read and I would really enjoy it if you kept writing. It's a great start. Keep it up.

 

"You have to dream before your dreams can come true."
Abdul Kalam
"What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?"
Robert H. Schuller

Contributor
wintergirl
Posts: 13
Registered: ‎11-28-2009
0 Kudos

Re: a Story I'm writing; please comment!

I absolutely loved this, the story line is so original and unique! I think you intro is very catching but I agree that you should elaborate a little and maybe mature the dialogue but other than that it was absolutley amazing I'd pay money to read the whole thing for sure!

Distinguished Correspondent
Kyleigh
Posts: 2,580
Registered: ‎11-16-2008
0 Kudos

Re: a Story I'm writing; please comment!

Very cool so far.  I love the fact that you're writing a story about ELVES! Thank goodness!  I read Night-Stalkers and I was like "oh no" but then I was very pleasantly surprised.  Okay no for criticism.

 

I have a hard time liking the very beginning.  It seems rather choppy to me.  It doesn't paint a clear picture of the world.  I get that the princess (name escapes me) is spoiled and a frilly thing but I don't get to know her character beyond those superficial characteristics.  I would definitely go more in depth with her character.  It's a rather confusing beginning.  I get that your trying to draw in the audience, but I would probably start it out with the Night-Stalker side of it.  It's WAY more intriguing and I think almost explains the storyline more clearly.  I agree with blue on the ending part of it.  One of the hardest things to write about is EMOTION and characters thoughts.  It's something I still struggle with.  Just keep in mind with very stressful or intense situations it can never hurt to get too inside your characters head.  :smileyvery-happy: 

 

I'm loving it so far.  Can't wait to read more.  :smileyhappy:

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