ChristineM - What is romance? - Exercise

[ChristineM]

I've used a couple of different characters here, but it's still intrigue. Lily isn't lost, but she does need finding.


Lily shook her cell phone and looked at it again. It continued doing the excellent impression of a doorstop that it had been doing for the past half hour. That was the funny thing about cell phones. When you didn’t put electricity in them all they were really good for was propping open doors. Next time she say Ray Davins, she’d have to share that bit of insight. If she got out of this mess.

She peered out the window at the drifts of meringue snow and fluffy doily sized flakes coming down thicker and thicker. Everything had a blue cast to it, like pictures glaciers. A short trip to the store before the storm hit. That was all. She was going to drive to town to get a couple of groceries in case she got snowed in. Nothing she really needed. She’d lived out in the sticks beyond the edge of the cornfields most of her life and had enough food stockpiled at the house to keep her eating until May. Eating well.

No, in the end she’d headed out to the store, with a blizzard bearing down on her for Fig Newtons and 3 cartons of Ben & Jerry’s. She’d gotten a bunch of other stuff, but it was all cover.

For Fig Newtons and Ben & Jerry’s, she was now sitting in a ditch, about to be buried by several feet of snow and not found until Spring thaw.

The only word that really came to mind was ‘dumb.’

The knock on the window scared a shriek out of her. She looked out the driver’s door window and her first thought was “scruffy nerf herder” which only proved she was a geek. The guy leaning down to look at her needed a shave about three days ago. His dark hair was shaggy and might have been dirty or possibly just wet with melted snow. He wore a pair of sunglasses that her friends referred to as jerk sunglasses when they were being polite.

“You need a hand.” He shouted over the wind and through the slightly opened window. It was more statement than question.

She decided that stating the obvious was in order. “I slid off the road.”

“I see that.” He hefted his backpack higher on his shoulder. “I think I can get you out.”

“You think you can give me a push?” She thought she could see some decent shoulders under that weathered leather coat and the legs in his worn blue jeans weren’t too shabby either, but enough to push a car out of a ditch in the snow?

“No. You’ll have to get out. I think I can back it out.”

“Get out?”

“Out of the car.” He pursed his lips, which she noticed were very nicely formed. “I’d need to be driving to back it out.”

“Oh,” Lily yanked the door handle. The door popped open, knocking the hitchhiker backward. He flailed, trying to keep his balance, ultimately failing and falling on the icy road. “Oh, my God, are you ok?” She skittered across the road to where he lay on the double yellow line, blinking at the sky.

“I’ve been worse.” He muttered. He rolled over and climbed to his feet. “Let me just get your car out and we can both go on our merry ways.” He strode toward the car, swinging his backpack off his shoulders. He tossed it in the passenger seat and climbed in.

When the door slammed shut, Lily realized that she may well have just committed her second stupid act of the day. Third, if you counted not charging the cell phone. Fourth, if you counted sliding into the ditch. This might rate as one of her most spectacular screw up days. Which, considering her history, had to be a record.

[Bonnie824]

Great realistic characters. The only thing that threw me was the "scruffy nerf herder". I have no idea what that is. I live a sheltered life though.

[ChristineM]

It's a Star Wars reference. I'm such a geek.

[lavenderlass]

That is a fun piece Christine! I thought the second paragraph was written very much in the negative (not sure I'm using the right term) I write those when I use She all the time, as in 'she did this, she did that' it reads much better when I change it to be positive.

I also thought the sentance starting 'Fig Newtons' would read better starting 'what a lot of fuss for Fig Newtons, or similar.

Great humour though!

What are Fig Newtons anyway? I know Ben & Jerry's, that's ice cream isn't it? Being on here with you all makes me want to come to America & join you in a Fig Newton & Ben & Jerrys party!

Lynne.

[cariann92]

Christine,
Yesterday it was snowing here. And I was dreaming of a snow day. I stopped at the Hostess Thrift store and stocked up.

Now I am reading your piece about Fig Newtons and Ice cream. Is this a universal thing?

Her mistakes, funny. But the last one could be, since you left us hanging. Did he get the car out of the ditch? Did he let her have the car back? Or did he take off with the car?

I bet she is wondering what ending it will be.

One thing that confused me, he was standing by the door which she opened and knocked him down. How strong was the push of the door? He was flung across the road to the yellow lines, or did he slide across the ice on the road?

A few typos, words left out.
Next time she say Ray... did you mean saw?
pictures [of] glaciers

The sentence about going for Fig Newtons, maybe put the blizzard bearing down on her first, then heading out. Otherwise it sounds like the blizzard wants Fig Newtons, etc.

I liked 'scared a shriek'.

You need to put why the window was barely open. Did she lower it to talk to him?

I like that she doesn't know his name yet. She won't be able to tell the police who stole her car, is that what she is thinking? Maybe have her yell out a question about his name.

Cariann

[dixielandgrl]

I also didn't get scruffy nerf herder, but it's still funny. Sometimes you don't get the reference, but you don't miss the point.

I like it a lot.
"
No, in the end she’d headed out to the store, with a blizzard bearing down on her for Fig Newtons and 3 cartons of Ben & Jerry’s. She’d gotten a bunch of other stuff, but it was all cover."

Okay laughing is good for you. This actually killed me. I so relate. There are some things you will do stupid things for- Ben and Jerry's is one of them.lol

It felt like you are playing with a new style or a new idea, but it was still entertaining. The little bit about the cell phone could probably be trimmed down and still say the same thing. DO not lose the fig newtons! She's priceless with the newton's.

[dixielandgrl]

Fig Newtons- How does one describe them? They are chewy fig centers in a moist cookie type wrapping. They also now have strawberry newtons and apple I think. They are a bit hard to describe.

[ChristineM]

You've convinced me, the Newtons stay. I was thinking of changing them to Oreos so they'd be more recognizable. (BTW, Lynne, they're a kind of fig paste filled cookie.) My husband is totally addicted to them. We were paying $6 a package for them in Seoul.

I'm working on a revision that I'll probably get posted later today.

Thanks for the great suggestions, everyone!

[ChristineM]

Ok, draft 2. She still doesn't know his name because I'm going to a character thing with her which may not work.


Lily shook her cell phone and looked at it again. It continued doing an excellent impression of a doorstop. Funny thing about cell phones. When you didn’t put electricity in them all they were really good for was propping open doors. Next time she saw Ray Davins, she’d have to share that bit of insight. If she got out of this mess.

She peered out the window at the drifts of meringue snow and fluffy doily sized flakes coming down thicker and thicker. Everything had a blue cast to it, like pictures of glaciers. A short trip to the store before the storm hit. That was all. She was going to drive to town to get a couple of groceries in case she got snowed in. Nothing essential. She’d lived out in the sticks beyond the edge of the cornfields most of her life and stockpiled enough food every winter to keep her eating until May. Eating well.

No, she’d very cleverly stood in front of the weather channel and looked at the mammoth blizzard headed her way and decided she really needed Fig Newtons and Ben and Jerry’s. She’d bought a bunch of other stuff too, but it was all cover for the junk food.

For Fig Newtons and Ben & Jerry’s, she was sitting in a ditch, about to be buried by several feet of snow and not found until Spring thaw.

The only word that really came to mind was ‘dumb.’

The knock on the window scared a shriek out of her. She looked out the driver’s door window and her first thought was “scruffy looking nerf herder” which only proved she was a bigger Star Wars geek than she’d realized. The guy leaning down to look at her needed a shave about three days ago. His dark hair was shaggy and might have been dirty or possibly just wet with melted snow. He wore a pair of sunglasses that her friends referred to as jerk sunglasses when they were being polite.

“You need a hand.” He shouted over the wind and through the slightly opened window. It was more statement than question.

She decided that stating the obvious was in order. “I slid off the road.” He didn’t seem at all impressed that she’d remembered to open the window a little so she didn’t die of carbon monoxide poisoning. It as the only reasonably bright thing she’d managed to do all day and he didn’t even notice.

“I see that.” He hefted his backpack higher on his shoulder. “I think I can get you out.”

“You think you can give me a push?” She thought she could see some decent shoulders under that weathered leather coat and the legs in his worn blue jeans weren’t too shabby either, but enough to push a car out of a ditch in the snow?

“No. You’ll have to get out. I think I can back it out.”

“Get out?”

“Out of the car.” He pursed his lips, which she noticed were very nicely formed. “I’d need to be driving to back it out.”

“Oh,” Lily yanked the door handle. The hyperactive door popped open, knocking the hitchhiker backward on the icy road. He flailed, trying to keep his balance, ultimately failing and falling on the slick road. “Oh, my God, are you ok?” She skittered across the ice to where he lay on the double yellow line, blinking at the sky.

“I’ve been worse.” He muttered. He rolled over and climbed to his feet. “Let me just get your car out and we can both go on our merry ways.” He strode toward the car, swinging his backpack off his shoulders. He tossed it in the passenger seat and climbed in.

When the door slammed shut, Lily realized that she may well have just committed her second stupid act of the day. Third, if you counted not charging the cell phone. Fourth, if you counted sliding into the ditch. This might rate as one of her most spectacular screw up days. Which, considering her history, had to be a record.

[LeighMichaels]

Christine, I like what you've done with this -- the revision is much smoother. I especially like how you handle the door knocking him down, this time -- I can see it happening.

One thing, though -- we don't know for sure till the sixth paragraph, when she looks out the driver's door window, that she's in a car. Until then the window seems more like a house window, and even with the reference to driving to the store, it isn't clear that she's still out there, not safely home thinking about her trip.

Just one of those things that happen when we know exactly what's going on with our characters -- but we sometimes forget that the reader only knows what we've told her (and in this particular version, at that).

Happy writing,
Leigh

[lavenderlass]

Hi Christine, I think you're rewrite is a good one too, I could see him stumbling, Laurel & Hardy style, before falling flat on his back! I think Leigh is right though, it would be nice to know where she was, but like my dr piece, it's so easy to think you've done that.

Nice to know about Fig Newtons too, its a shame we don't have them here. I wish I could pop over to meet you all for coffee but I'll have to have a hobnob and pretend (think thick chocolate coated chewy biscuit - yummy!)

Lynne.

[AshleyGoldsmith]

Christine,
I really liked this. This rewrite is very smooth and full of good detail. You have good descriptions, and it is an interesting way for her to meet a guy. I can't wait to see how he's going to be able to look past her "screw-ups" to see what a good heroine she is

[mn_girl_in_hea…]

lavenderlass wrote:What are Fig Newtons anyway?

Lynne, If you go to this site,
http://en.wilipedia.org/wiki/Fig_Newton
you can see a picture and get the scoop about those yummy cookies.
The fig filling is so soft that if you break it apart length-wise,
you hear this really cool sound.

[mn_girl_in_hea…]

mn_girl_in_heart_of_dixie wrote: lavenderlass wrote:What are Fig Newtons anyway?Lynne, If you go to this site,http://en.wilipedia.org/wiki/Fig_Newton

I am going to bed. Fingers are not working well tonight. I have spent more time fixing typos than anything else.
Made a typo in the reference above: not "L" but "K".
Wikipedia is a very cool instant look up encyclopedia.
It's great for little snippets like this.
Christine,
Tomorrow, promise.

[Dawnfire]

I agree the revision flows much better. I like the characters and the interactions / conversation between them.

And I only have one comment for you. "Who's scruffy looking?"


;-)

[lavenderlass]

Jeanette Isabella thanks for the Fig Newton's link, I didn't think of looking them up on Wikkipeadia! We do have them over here but they're called Fig Rolls, and they are lovely but not as lovely as anything with chocolate, the deeper the better, in my book.

I really like hanging out with you lot, I've even started to say gotten, it's made me really want to visit America, but so far it'll have to be in my dreams!

Apologies for this post since it isn't about writing, I won't do it again.

Lynne.

[ChristineM]

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lavenderlass wrote:

Apologies for this post since it isn't about writing, I won't do it again.

Lynne.

---

Do it again! Do it again! Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. I don't think there's anything wrong with going a little wide on the topic. Besides, we're writers. Experience, knowledge and how people phrase things is important to the craft.

What is this about gotten? Don't people say gotten in the UK? What's the past perfect of got then? Had got? Now I'm curious.

[dixielandgrl]

gotten does sound like something we just made up. (looks suspiciously at dictionary)

[ChristineM]

See, I have a dictionary and I could look stuff up…

According to Webster's "In American English gotten, although occasionally criticized, is an alternative to past participle (got) in most cases, esp. "to receive" or "to acquire."" But I have to say that it looks Old English with that -ten modifier.

Well, now that we've gotten you speaking American English, Lynne, we'll have to teach you about "gonna" as in "I'm gonna go." (pronounced /I'munna go/,) the fine art of when you say y'uns and when you say y'all and whether collective nouns really should be considered singular or plural.

(Oh dear, linguistics, pagan religion, cookies, where will the off topic posts end! )

[Dawnfire]

---

ChristineM wrote:
Well, now that we've gotten you speaking American English, Lynne, we'll have to teach you about "gonna" as in "I'm gonna go." (pronounced /I'munna go/,) the fine art of when you say y'uns and when you say y'all and whether collective nouns really should be considered singular or plural.

(Oh dear, linguistics, pagan religion, cookies, where will the off topic posts end! )

---

Oh dear... I lived in England for a year and there was nothing worse then the battles with my flat mates over pronunciations... or spellings for that matter... mixing a Jersey girl with the Queen's English is never pretty...

However I believe my favorite was the debate between two of my flat mates over whether to pronounce a tea time treat as "scone" or "scoon" was the best. I of course was told that I'm an American and my opinion didn't count... :-) I don't think anything was harder for me then to stop referring to the nearby city as York instead of Yawk... but I got it... and quickly reverted when I moved back home ;-)