Help with Lynne's writing

[lavenderlass]

I'd be really grateful if anyone could read this part of a scene through for me. I'm not pleased with it, it seems to me to be all 'he said, she said' type of stuff. It's about three chapters in, new doctor Toby Stone is really handsome and has just been hired to work on the children's ward and help plan the new children's ward in the new hospital being built on the other side of town. Sarah, the social worker, is dead against the hospital's move because it's away from the patients. She's also aware of Toby romantically, though against any sort of relationship because of past issues.

Leigh, I do so miss your course where you were every day to help with this sort of thing, my last book flew out and I'm sure it was having you there to guide us! When does the next one start?

Lynne.

‘So, did you get to talk to our new boss yesterday?’ Cathy asked Sarah the next morning.
‘Dr Toby Stone?’ Sarah answered looking away, ‘you could say that.’
‘What’s he like?’
‘Mmmm, he’s alright I suppose.’
‘Just okay eh?’ Cathy frowned in bewilderment and goaded her friend for gossip a little more, ’That doesn’t sound like you, you usually pick up loads about people just by looking. I’ve heard from a friend who used to work in the same hospital as him. She says he’s a dish with a string of admirers around him all the time and she tells me he’s been out with every woman in town and gets bored with all of them very quickly.’
Sarah moved towards a series of big box files and took one down from the shelf as she spoke. ‘Well, I’m not going to be in the Stone fan club. And not even in the good books soon.’
‘It’s him that wants this hospital closed down isn’t it?’ Cathy watched her friend as if she was trying to make eye contact. It didn’t work. Sarah kept turning away finding little jobs to do.
‘Yes.’ Sarah laid the file on the desk and searched for the item she was looking for. ‘He’s very much behind the moves to have this place closed down and build a whole new place in the centre of town. It won’t even be called the Walkley General, it’s going to be called the Melchester Institute instead.’
‘Gosh, what major changes! What do you think of that?’ Cathy grimaced as she spoke.
‘I think that’s really sad.’ this time Sarah turned towards Cathy as she spoke, her voice brimming with passion. ‘I’m starting a petition against the plans. For a start it’s such a lovely old building never mind what it means to people. There has been a hospital on this site for centuries, it’s so much part of the local community, it will be so difficult for relatives to get into see their children when they’re ill. Research shows that having supportive family is one of the things that helps patients get better quickly. Moving the hospital will make that harder. Okay, the adults can get on a bus, but the teenagers can‘t leave school at the end of the day and walk in to see their brothers and sisters straight away like they do now can they?’
‘That’s all very true.‘ Cathy agreed, ‘but what about your career? Does this mean you don’t want promotion?’
‘Not at that cost I don’t.’ Sarah looked straight at Cathy, her eyes glinting with anger, ‘and beside that I do this job to help people in trouble. I can’t just sit back and see their local hospital closed because in the end it’ll impact on their health and that’s what worries me.’
‘Great idea.’ Cathy sat back in her chair, ‘I just can’t see it as a good way to ingratiate yourself to the new boss.’
‘I don’t want to ingratiate myself to anyone, but I do want to live with my conscience.’
‘Good morning.’
Sarah jumped at the unexpected intrusion and turned to see Toby standing behind them. They’d been talking so passionate they hadn’t heard him approach.
He smiled at them as he spoke. ‘It’s Sarah and Cathy isn’t it?’
‘Spot on.’ Cathy looked him straight in the eyes and gave him a broad smile, ‘it sure is. Are you working with us today’
Sarah turned back to her work, looking up only briefly. ‘Hi.’ She called quickly back to her file. If anything she thought, he looked even more handsome close up.
Toby carried on speaking to them both, although he looked straight at Sarah and had seen that she turned away from him. If he was aware of the snub, he ignored it.
‘As you probably know,’ he spoke to them both even though Sarah appeared to be busy with her work, ’I’m taking over from Dr Whatley until we can get this place packed up and be moved to the new unit.’

[LeighMichaels]

---

lavenderlass wrote:
Leigh, I do so miss your course where you were every day to help with this sort of thing, my last book flew out and I'm sure it was having you there to guide us! When does the next one start?

Lynne

The next courses from Gotham Writers Workshop start in July. Romance 1 begins July 10, and Romance 2 begins on July 12.

Romance 1 covers the basics in depth, allowing you to work through the structure of setting up your story, while Romance 2 plunges you in a little further along in the process. Gotham classes are limited in size, so there's a more intimate interaction and a chance to really get to know each other. The classes run for ten weeks, with a lecture and notebook assignment each week and an ongoing discussion group. Twice during the term, each participant posts about half a chapter of her book for everyone to read and critique.

You can find out more at www.writingclasses.com -- I'd love to have any or all of you there.

Happy writing,
Leigh

[LeighMichaels]

Watch your POV, Lynne... there are several bits where we're inside Cathy watching Sarah.

Leigh

[dixielandgrl]

It's hard to put a finger on it. I can tell it's just a rough draft, so I hate to get too crazy with the critique. There was a plastic quality to the dialog between the women. I think you aren't feeling all that into it. Is there something in the plot that isn't doing it for you? Or the characters? Mine starts to sound plastic when I'm losing interest.

[Ch-Janet]

I'll have a close look at this tonight, Lynne and do you a line crit.

Check your PM on this site.

Janet.

Message Edited by Ch-Janet on 05-24-200712:13 PM

[ChristineM]

It seemed to me that neither Cathy or Sarah were very interested in the conversation. I think of Cathy were going on about the hot new doctor and Sarah were grumbling about what a know it all he must be to know what's best for an area he doesn't work it, it would be a little more interesting to write and fun to read. Plus, if you let Sarah get passionate about her cause and the Dr in question shows up there's a great opportunity for embarrassment which is funny when it's not you.

[lavenderlass]

Thanks so much for that help. I think I was at the end of a cold when I wrote that and it shows. It's really annoying that when you reach the stage that you can sit on the sofa and write, you're not necessarily well enough to write at your best. Still, I suppose we can't just switch the writing muse on to order!

I'm going to miss this group, it's been really lovely, and just as bad, I won't get to know what's happening in all those stories!

Lynne.

[ChristineM]

Been there, done that! I hate it when you get to a spot where you know how everything is going to unfold then you get sick and it all goes to jelly on the page!

I had a writing teacher in college tell me that if you were good enough you could write anywhere under any conditions. Sometimes you can't trust the writer in residence at a midwestern college with 3 mediocre midlist titles under his belt. I think his claim to fame was that he knew Walter Dean Myers.

[HoplessRomantic]

OKAY,
The issue I have with this is there is no conflict. Heroine says something and frind agrees. Boring. What you need to do is have friend side with HOT GUY. He must have reasons for what he is doing. Moving the hospital gets more notice, better faccilities etc, etc. Maybe he plans to bus in the poor. Heroine can seccond guess friends motives by saying they are founded on the basis that hot guy is HOT. Friends rebuttal "You do think hes hot!" That could have been friends plan the entire time to get heroione to admit her feelings.
See a lot more fun and play back and forth.
Hope this helps
Aspen