Secondary characters exercise - Lynne

[lavenderlass]

I wondered if anyone would mind looking through the following for me. Here Alex (the dr) and Livvy the social worker are cold calling on a couple whose neighbours have rung up expressing concern about them. Because they're unexpected they have to work to get the couple's confidence, except that you don't see much of the wife in this exerpt. It's based on a real person I met, though it's not the same so the family would recognise him, and the real couple will be long gone. Thanks, Lynne.


They stood at the entrance to the sitting room. It was a long, wide room with piles of books everywhere. In a corner was a tell-tale remnant of Ray’s career, the wig that he’d worn in Court as a barrister resting proudly on a stand. Elsewhere the room was scruffy and untidy, but also homely. If you ignored the mess it was warm and comfortable. The room was dominated by two armchairs, presumably one each for Rose and Ray, one still partly occupied and surrounded by glasses, pots of pens, cough sweets and a newspaper crossword puzzle. Cushions on each armchair were squashed into shapes by regular use, making the chairs look like a little nest, each moulded to the shape of each user.
‘Can I help you?’ a gruff voice, still bearing a ring of authority, boomed across the room. They assumed it to be Ray. Slowly he was lifting himself from his chair, wincing in pain at every stretch of his limbs. After a while he stood by his chair with a stoop, his tall slim frame resting heavily on a walking frame. Despite his great age, his strong features and proud stance bore the unmistakable signs of someone very capable, very competent, very distinguished. Livvy instantly thought he looked similar to how she imagined Alex would look at that age. Despite the tell-tale signs of wear and tear, here was an individual with a great presence.
’Are you looking for somebody?’ He asked proudly looking straight at them, as if issuing a challenge.
He looked from Livvy to Alex as he waited, his expression demanding their reply.
Alex said nothing straight away, but stepped forward towards Ray, his neat linen suit, ironed to perfection and moulding softly around his body.
‘So sorry to trouble you,’ Alex stretched his hand out before him, ‘I’m Dr Alexander Cameron, General Practitioner, Glendale surgery. Pleased to meet you.’
They shook hands. Livvy watched as the tension on Ray’s face eased. Of course, it was the perfect thing to do. Ray was of that generation where manners were paramount and Alex had recognised that instinctively.
Livvy followed suit and offered her hand to shake too, introducing herself at the same time.
‘Now, sit down and tell me how I may help you.’ Ray waved over to two empty chairs, inviting them to sit.
‘Thank you.’ Livvy and Alex moved to the seats, both covered in books and newspapers, which they moved out of the way. As they spoke Rose shuffled into the room, her gait slow and cautious, as if she too were scared of falling, her expression anxious.

[cariann92]

Lynne,

I could picture the room very well, the moulded seats, very good.

One question, Ray was seated, Rose wasn't there. How did they get into the apartment/home?

What is their 'great' age? Or maybe they don't know yet.

I assume there are more than the two chairs, otherwise Ray and Rose will be standing while Alex and Livvy talk to them.

You said that Rose was scared too. Was Ray scared? I didn't see that when you described his venture in getting out of the chair, just some pain.

I would like to read more, what questions did Alex and Livvy pose? Please continue.

Cariann

[dixielandgrl]

I can't get over how much you have progressed with each posting. There's flavor there now. I can hear the dialogue.

On the side of improvements, I thought your opening could be cut down a bit.

"They stood at the entrance to the sitting room. It was a long, wide room with piles of books everywhere. In a corner was a tell-tale remnant of Ray’s career, the wig that he’d worn in Court as a barrister resting proudly on a stand. Elsewhere the room was scruffy and untidy, but also homely. If you ignored the mess it was warm and comfortable. The room was dominated by two armchairs, presumably one each for Rose and Ray(This clause is unneeded)

", one still partly occupied and surrounded by glasses, pots of pens, cough sweets and a newspaper crossword puzzle. Cushions on each armchair were squashed into shapes by regular use, making the chairs look like a little nest, each moulded to the shape of each user.
‘Can I help you?’ a gruff voice, still bearing a ring of authority, boomed across the room. They assumed it to be Ray( I do this all the time! She doesn't know what he assumes. My heroine has a tendency to guess at the hero's thoughts. lol It's probably a mars/venus thing.).

Slowly he was lifting himself from his chair, wincing in pain at every stretch of his limbs. After a while he stood by his chair with a stoop, his tall slim frame resting heavily on a walking frame. Despite his great age, his strong features and proud stance bore the unmistakable signs of someone very capable, very competent, very distinguished. Livvy instantly thought he looked similar to how she imagined Alex would look at that age. Despite the tell-tale (Be wary of repetitions)

signs of wear and tear, here was an individual with a great presence."


I try to keep description of people to a minimum, especially in a case where
you have included such good clues, like the wig and cough sweets. My goal is usually to give them a personality and let the reader give them a face. Good work!

[lavenderlass]

Thanks for that Dixie & Carian, that's so helpful. I can't believe I've improved so much either, it's because I've been doing the course that leads on from here. You pay for it but it's been worth every penny and so much fun. I'm doing it again when this one finishes in April just to consolidate what I've learnt. Lots of people do that.

This story is drawn from real people that I saw as a junior social worker, it was a sad story with a happy ending. In real life the wife was actually his little sister who had a learning difficulty and had always lived with her brother, neither married. In their old age he developed some physical health problem that needed surgery but he wouldn't get seen by a doctor because he guessed it would need admiting & he didn't want to leave his sister. Because he ignored the problem he became so ill that it gave him mental symptoms. his home care lady rang social services and I went with another social worker to visit. He was admitted to hospital under the Mental Health Act because he wouldn't agree and I arranged for her to go into a old person's home temporarily. It was a sad scene with lots of tears. But a couple of weeks later they both went home, he was as right as rain & all was well.

I've changed it a bit so no -one recognises anyone, but I do so love reading/writing those little pen pictures. I was reading Rosamund Pilcher who does it so well and thought I'd give it a go myself. But I forgot the chair thing!

Thanks though, Lynne.

[Ch-Janet]

"They stood at the entrance to the sitting room. It was a long, wide room with piles of books everywhere. In a corner was a tell-tale remnant of Ray’s career, the wig that he’d worn in Court as a barrister resting proudly on a stand. Elsewhere the room was scruffy and untidy, but also homely. If you ignored the mess it was warm and comfortable. The room was dominated by two armchairs, presumably one each for Rose and Ray, one still partly occupied and surrounded by glasses, pots of pens, cough sweets and a newspaper crossword puzzle. Cushions on each armchair were squashed into shapes by regular use, making the chairs look like a little nest, each moulded to the shape of each user."

Maybe try weaving this description into the action? Chunks of narrative tend to slow the pace a little eg instead of syaing there were piles of books everywhere have a character move a heap of books to free a space for her to sit down (maybe as she's talking)

[Ch-Janet]

"Can I help you?’ a gruff voice, still bearing a ring of authority, boomed across the room. They assumed it to be Ray. Slowly he was lifting himself from his chair, wincing in pain at every stretch of his limbs. After a while he stood by his chair with a stoop, his tall slim frame resting heavily on a walking frame. Despite his great age, his strong features and proud stance bore the unmistakable signs of someone very capable, very competent, very distinguished. Livvy instantly thought he looked similar to how she imagined Alex would look at that age. Despite the tell-tale signs of wear and tear, here was an individual with a great presence."

Great character description. I can really visualise him.

Maybe to make the writing a little more vivd, change one of those 'ing verbs' to past tense instead of continuous past? eg Slowly, he lifted himself from the chair, wincing in pain.

Instead of coming out of POV to tell the reader 'they assumed it to be Ray' maybe use the POV character's immediate thoughts. (Maybe use italics for the thought)
eg 'Can I help you? a gruff voice, still bearing a ring of authority, boomed across the room. Ray? Slowly, he lifted himself from his chair..

Similary here:
Despite his great age, his strong features and proud stance bore the unmistakable signs of someone very capable, very competent, very distinguished. Would Alex looked that when he reached Ray's age? Despite the tell-tale signs of wear and tear, here was an individual with a great presence."

[lavenderlass]

That's better Janet, I like your changes and will remember that principle. What are you working on these days and can we help somehow?

Lynne.

[Ch-Janet]

Thanks,for the offer of help Lynne. It's much appreciated. I'm working on the story idea you read in 'Brainstorm your plot.'

I want to get everything working at the outline stage (so I won't end up finding stuff doesn't work after hours of wriitng!)

I'll be posting my problems in that thread. Building an INTERESTING external plot from characer goals and motivations is something I find the most difficult. The line I'm targetting doesn't need unneccessary external plot and the characters have to drive everything. So I'm starting with the character 'wounds' and building on from that in bite size pieces until I have my outline.

[lavenderlass]

I've got three or four half started books because I've only just learnt that I have to plot the whole story before I start or I run out of steam too early! I think we've talked about plot in the other thread, but I just wondered which line you're targeting? It's only for general interest for me, since I'm only targeting medicals, but it is interesting to know the difference between others.

Lynne.

[Ch-Janet]

I'm targetting the new M&B Romance line (formerly Tender)

[lavenderlass]

I like that line Janet, it's really lovely. Good luck.

[ChristineM]

Just my 2 cents, Lynne. This really is much better than where you started. You've done a lot of work to get here too. Great job.

[lavenderlass]

Christine - that's much appreciated thanks. It's partly to do with being here and your excellent feedback, that really helped. And doing the course at writingclasses.com has made the world of difference.

Instead of months of trial and error and mistakes, I've a much better idea of what I'm writing now and what I need to improve. I'm not perfect yet, but I'm certainly improving.

When you've got time I'd love to hear about your journey to foreign parts and hope it's going well.

Lynne.