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Posts: 5
Registered: ‎07-13-2007
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An opinion on the prologue and Chapter 1 of my story, please.

Silver in the Moon


On a cloudless night, when the moon shone bright, a silver flash could be seen flitting from tree to tree. The night was peaceful, but for how long was this to last? That was soon answered as the short 'chink' of a sword being unsheathed could be heard.
The silver flash jumped from a tall oak tree, into the window of a mansion that had carelessly been left open. The owner of the sword, intentions yet to be revealed, stuck to the shadows and moved quickly, nothing more ever being seen than silver blur. This unknown entity made its way to the master bedroom of the mansion.
Stepping into a ring of moonlight, the entity revealed itself. A man stood there, shining silver fox ears and tail looked as though they were made of moonlight themselves, and one might have believed that, if it were not for the fact that his eyes were a startling shade of red that seemed to pierce into your soul. He slowly moved forward and silently drew back the curtain around the bed.
A man lay there sleeping, of no importance to the silver fox. Although, around the sleeping man’s neck, was a shining purple gemstone. It was rumored to have elemental properties attached to it, and the fox was desperate to have this treasure in his possession. The silver fox reached down toward the gem, and delicately, using his sword, cut it free from the tie holding around the man’s neck. He was overjoyed; finally he had it! But just as the tie broke and he lifted the gem away from the man, the man’s eyes snapped open, suddenly alert to the danger above him.
The fox grimaced. He had thought things were going perfectly, but of course the man had to have some sort of connection to the gemstone that would awaken him the moment he lost it. Why hadn’t he thought of it sooner! The fox might carry a sword and he may be a well-known thief, but let there be no mistake, he was not a murderer.
He grasped the gem, and ran toward the window as quickly as he could, a silver blur once more. Upon reaching the window, and trying to open it, he found it to be locked. Any normal lock did not lock it, it was locked by an unbreakable spell, and one that would only unlock once the caster of that spell was dead. The fox frowned, and the door that he had so stealthily entered earlier, when the man was asleep, slammed shut. He was trapped. He had no way out, unless he was to break his unwritten code, and kill the previous owner of the gemstone that was keeping him here. With a sad glint in his eye, the fox directed his sword at the man, and with speed faster than the human eye could follow, impaled the man upon it.
“I’m sorry,” the fox whispered, “but you left me no other choice.”
After letting the man fall from his blade, and leaving his signature slip of paper with a small silver fox and the name “Ash” on the floor, the fox opened the newly unlocked window and jumped out into the now stormy night. A small part of Ash the silver fox died that night, as he committed his very first murder, but there were many more to come, as well as what some would call ‘bad karma’ coming to haunt him…

Chapter 1
Hidden Agenda

It was a dark night in the town of Mertes. Where there should have been a full moon, there was none. The sky was empty, not a single star to light its dark expanse. Something was wrong this night, and everyone knew it. Not a single man, woman, or creature was daring enough to step out of their safe haven, their warmly lit homes.
A bloodcurdling scream lit the night, heard by all as they cowered in their homes. The ones who were brave enough to open a door or crowd close to a window could see the state guard troops rushing to the castle. Those who did see this spread the news, and all looked up as a mysterious stranger entered the door.
A man stood there, closing the door behind him. He wore a blue sleeveless shirt, black leather pants, and a dark blue cloak. His cloak had the army insignia on the back of it, ocean waves with two swords crossing underneath. He also wore a dark blue western hat, low to his eyes.
Not many would know this, but Mertes was not a town of humans. It was, in fact, a town full of water demons, thus their incessant affinity for the color blue and any reference to the ocean. Another unusual thing about Mertes is that the women are the dominant people around there. They run the kingdom, the army, and hold all of the important positions in society. If you were to ask a girl about a man’s position, she would most likely reply that men are lower than dogs here. This is what caused so many odd looks when the man walked to the back of the room and the cloak was in plain view for the demons to see he was a member of the army, a position extremely few men got in Mertes.
The man, feeling the stares, turned to face his unwanted audience, and spoke in a smooth, cold voice.
“Just because few men make the position doesn’t mean you should ogle those who do.”
A few of the water demons embarrassedly turned their heads away from him, blushing beet red as they did so.
“I bring news from the castle. I am sorry to report that Queen Mikohari has been murdered. Evidence points to the murderer being the silver fox, Ash.”
There were a few gasps of surprise, as well as angry shouts. Most of these shouts were in agreement, saying things such as ‘he has gone too far’, or asking ‘what was stolen’.
“Calm down, everyone! Calm down! We will not do our queen’s memory good by adding to the confusion like this, just after her death! There were two things stolen, an unreadable script on which the front and back covers were pure gold, and the queen’s sapphire necklace.”
There were whispers among all of the demons as they tried to figure out the fox’s motives for stealing these items. While they were all distracted, the strange man slipped into the kitchens, and out the back door. He slipped a book out of his cloak, shining its gold surface.
“Like taking candy from a baby.”
The strange man’s hat blew off in the wind, as he was trying to decipher the book in the light at the back of the building, and it revealed a pair of silver fox ears atop his head. One of his ears swiveled around, still trying to catch tidbits of conversation in the building. With his enhanced demonic hearing, he was able to hear a woman approaching the front of the building.
“It seems I have already overstayed my welcome. Better head home, while the getting is good.”
Inside the building, a woman entered, closing the door behind her, just as Ash had done in disguise before her. She wore the same uniform Ash had, minus the hat.
“I bring news from the castle. I am sorry to report that Queen Mikohari has been murdered. Evidence points to the murderer being the silver fox, Ash. It is yet unknown what he has stolen.”
A deathly silence fell upon all those that were in the building. Then, chaos broke out as all tried to figure out just who the mysterious stranger was, and how he knew what was stolen.
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Posts: 236
Registered: ‎09-26-2007
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Re: An opinion on the prologue and Chapter 1 of my story, please.

Your story so far was really good. It's better then anything I ever tried to write that's for sure.
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