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Contributor
Talon_Radden
Posts: 17
Registered: ‎02-03-2007
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I'm Baaaaaaaack!

Hi everyone! Miss me? I see there are some new comers. Welcome. I had a family emergency that kept me away for a while, but i'm back. I am already about halfway done with this story I have been working on (this is not my chocolate idea)I hope you like it! Sorry, it's pretty long.


“The worlds ending, isn’t it Mylo?”
“Yes Sam, I’m afraid it is.”
“What should we do about it then?”
“Nothing, Sam.”

Maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Lets go back to the
beginning of the story. I was walking home from the supermarket on the
streets of Springfield New Jersey which are only truly beautiful to
people who have lived there their whole lives. Like me. I was taking
the shortcut home that I had taken since I was a child walking home
from school. I looked both ways, checking to see if anyone would
notice. Then, I walked down the unstable, dirt incline, which led to
the dry brook (as apposed to the wet brook on the other side of town).
I was immediately immerged in the dense green foliage I liked to call
my second home. The leaves were light green and could be as big as my
head sometimes, and pieces of “bamboo” stuck out everywhere at me.
Growing up, I called this the Bamboo Forest because of all the plants
that resembled bamboo, but I knew that it was impossible for bamboo to
grow in New Jersey. I just liked to pretend. I smiled to myself as my
feet became accustomed to the ever-changing rock formations on the
bottom of the forest floor and I listened to a woodpecker that was
drumming to its own beat. I came to a small clearing, where the bamboo
had not yet fully grown and saw something that utterly surprised me.
Before me were two men fighting with swords. One was wearing armor and
the other was wearing what looked like an old potato sack cut up to
form a shirt and some leather type material made to look like pants.
They looked as though they had just stepped out of some sort of
reenactment of the Middle Ages and were way to busy fighting to the
death to notice me. What really got my attention was the giant pool of
water that appeared to be floating in mid-air. As the effect of shock
left me I decided to investigate the floating pool of water rather then
bother the men with swords who still hadn’t noticed me. I was about to
become very brave and touch the strange pool that was slowly shrinking
when another one popped out of nowhere on the other side of the
fighters. At least ten more armored men came running out of the pool
with swords ready to attack the poor, outnumbered, man in the potato
shirt. For a moment I actually wondered if these strange people really
couldn’t see me. The outnumbered man, seeing that he had no chance of
winning, ran towards me or rather the strange pool behind me as an
escape. Before I could move or utter a sound he had ran through the
pool (which I believed now to be a portal of some sort) and only
realized I had been standing there once he had already pushed me
through the portal too. I can only describe going through the portal
as the second most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my entire
life (the first most amazing thing happened much later). I fell face
first onto an extremely prickly bush in the middle of a clearing that
was in the middle of the biggest forest I have ever seen. When I stood
up I could just see the potato shirt man (I had nothing else to call
him) running into the forest. I could see no other signs of life so I
just ran after him. “Hey! Wait!” I screamed but he was very fast and I
(for some odd reason) was still carrying my grocery bag, which kind of
slowed me down. At this point, any normal thought process had shut down
so I just kept running. The events that had just taken place within
these last seconds (or was it hours?) had confused me, and changed my
life forever. Is this just a dream I wondered? I wondered many things
like, will someone feed my fish if I’m gone long? My somewhat crazed
thoughts were interrupted by something pulling me into a thicket rather
roughly. It was the potato shirt man. “Who are you? What are you doing
here? Prompted the strange man with the deep voice and an accent that
was somewhat of an Irish-British mix. “I…Uh…” I stumbled over my words
very unsure of what to say because I was even more confused then he
was. “Shh! Get down, they’re coming!” He interrupted, and the only
words I could form at this point were “What’s going on!?!” “Shh!” He
said again as he attempted to make himself invisible within the
thicket. A moment passed by before the armored men I had seen earlier
ran by, and then ran passed again two seconds later. Suddenly, the
strange man in the potato shirt broke the silence “I’m Lye.” He said
simply, I looked at the man. He had meaningful green eyes that
complimented the solemn expression on his face. He had brown hair that
was extremely messy and a very good build. He was strong, but not the
kind of strong you get from working out at the gym four days a week,
but the kind of strong you get from hunting things or fighting people.
“You can speak, right? You can understand me?” Lye asked (probably
because of the blank expression I had on my face). “Yeah,” I managed to
say, “ I’m Belle.” I said (with my mind starting to work again) “Who
were those people and where are we?” seemed to be the most pressing
question in my head at this point. “They,” Lye began, “are the kings
shadows and we are currently in the Foxtail Forest.” He said. I got up
and looked around at the beautiful forest that seemed unreal to me.
“Lye?’ I said, “Why am I currently in the middle of Foxtail Forest?” I
asked. Lye got up and smiled. “Magic.” He said simply and began to walk
away, I followed him. I wasn’t quite sure of how long I had been
following him (I wasn’t quite sure of anything anymore). “Where are we
going?” I ventured to ask. “I have a camp a little way from here where
some friends and I are staying.” Lye coolly replied. “I suppose you
could join us…” Lye paused “Why were you standing directly in front of
an open portal?” I blushed and said “I was curious, and why do you
always have to answer me with a question!?!” “You really don’t have any
magic in your world do you?” Lye said. “There you go again!” I said
frustrated “and no, in my world magic only exists in fairy tales.” “Oh,
magic exists all right, like the magic we used to get to your world.
It’s pretty new, but very interesting you get to go to any otherworld
or reality for at least ten minutes. It is very useful when fighting or
hiding. When I went to your world, I was hiding from the kings shadow
when somehow they managed to follow me.” Said Lye “But,” I said “ What
if tons of people saw you and didn’t know what you were and like
freaked out?” I asked, “You shouldn’t go scaring people like that.”
“Relax,” Lye said “You can only move about ten steps from the portal or
the magic forces you back and we usually end up in a forest anyway.
Besides, no one would want to go looking around or messing with things
because if you don’t jump in the portal before it closes you may have
no way of getting back at all.” Lye said as he picked a strange fruit
off the ground and ate it. “Want a bite?” He asked. “No thanks.” I
replied not sure if it would be safe to eat. “So why are you running,
hiding, and fighting with the kings shadow?” I asked, “You sure have a
lot of questions don’t you?” Lye pointed out “I’m sorry, but I’m very
curious and this is a new world to me, besides it’s my last question.”
I pleaded “Ok, Ok,” Lye said laughing “The king isn’t exactly nice so a
couple of rebels have banned together to try and take him down.
Satisfied?” He said sarcastically. “We’re almost there.” Lye said
pointing to a dim light in the distance that I could only guess was a
fire. “Good, it’s getting late” I said and looked up at the dark,
night, sky. “Where’s the moon?” I asked. “The what?” Lye said
surprised “Y’know, the moon! The big, round disk in the sky!” I
exclaimed, “We don’t have any moon here. We only have the stars and the
suns.” Lye said, “You have more then one sun?!?” I asked surprised
“Yeah, we have two.” Lye said “Wow…you should see the moon sometime,
it’s beautiful.” I said looking up at the starry sky. We walked for a
few minutes in silence until we came to a small clearing that had an
even smaller campfire in the center. “I’m back.” Lye said “And I
brought a friend, this is Belle she’s from another world.” Lye
explained. From out of the shadows came a young man with very short
brown hair and pale blue eyes. His clothes were as meek and unwashed as
Lye’s. “Belle, this is Sam.” Lye said pointing to the young man who now
seemed to only be at least sixteen years old. Sam turned back into the
shadows and hollered “Hey Mylo! We got company! Oh, and Lye’s alive!”
Sam turned back and looked at me then he shrugged and started to mess
with some pots and pans. I blinked, heard a strange swooshing noise,
and then opened my eyes to find that Lye had just chopped an arrow in
half with his sword. I stood awestruck at the skill Lye had, he had not
even broken a sweat. Lye quickly ran over towards the campfire and
picked up a bow and arrow that were lying down in the dirt. He had the
arrow ready to fire and spun around once with one eye closed, then he
pulled the arrow back even farther and let it fly into the treetops.
Two seconds later a very handsome blond man with dark blue eyes swung
down from the treetops on a vine. He had Lye’s arrow in between his
teeth. “Nice shot.” He said smiling as he spit the arrow out of his
mouth “who’s she?” The blond man said pointing to me. “I’m Belle.” I
said and smiled. The blond man gave a wide grin then took a bow and
said “Nice to meet your acquaintance miss Belle, I am Mylo.” Lye
laughed and said “don’t try to act charming, even complete strangers
don’t believe you!” Sam interrupted “Supper’s done.” He was holding a
pot that had smoke coming off of it. That first night was wonderful, at
first I was very shy and did not know what to say, but they made me a
part of their family. Lye, Sam, and Mylo told me all of their favorite
stories of how they defeated the Kings Shadow (or just The Shadow for
short).
"I prefer peace because too many wars have been faught in my mind already."
Contributor
Talon_Radden
Posts: 17
Registered: ‎02-03-2007
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Re: I'm Baaaaaaaack!

This is the rest of what i have so far one post can only fit so much.

They were like super heroes or Robin Hood they kept the Shadow
busy so the towns people did not suffer so much. They were the very
best warriors I had ever seen (Even though I had not seen many warriors
in my time) and from day one I felt like one of them. I learned that
Lye and Mylo were the real warriors, Lye specializing in swords and
Mylo in Bows and Arrows. Sam did not favor fighting and insisted that
he would only fight if he had to. Apparently his mother died in a fire
and his father was killed by the Shadow. One day, Mylo took him in when
he was about twelve and Sam had been following Mylo around ever since
then. Sam however was very talented with magic Lye insisted that he had
a sort of special power of his own, but Sam just flushed and did not
say anymore. Lye and Mylo had met while hunting one day and had been
best friends since then. Their real plans for the future were to kill
the king and take over the kingdom, too much suffering had occurred
under the iron fist of King Xinie. The next day was different. Sam
found me a plain (but pretty) dress that would help me fit in more with
the crowds and then we went to see a woman who might be able to get me
back to my own world. Meanwhile, Mylo and Lye went to do some “work”
with the Shadow. They had said something about intercepting the tax
collectors, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to know any more. When Sam
and I went to the local village I had imagined seeing a hustle and
bustle that reminded me of New York City and many good people hard at
work. Instead, I saw five broken down shacks with about twenty sick,
skinny, tired, and scared looking villagers who were sitting around
moaning and fighting. Sam whispered to me (after seeing the shocked
look on my face) that “Things were better before the King took over.”
We walked into the third shack on the left which had a most unusual
smell coming from inside. We were just about to go in when Sam quietly
said, “Let me do the talking, ok? She isn’t exactly nice and has been
known to do horrible things to people who speak out of line.” I
grimaced at the thought of what might be done to someone using magic as
Sam lightly knocked on the door. Sam had not taken his fist from the
door when it swung open and a hooded…creature asked “What do you
want!?!” Sam seemed unusually nervous for the normally cool, and
mysterious teenage boy. “Please, Madame I was hoping for your help.”
Sam began “My magic is…is inferior to yours, Madame I am desperate. You
see, this poor girl,” Sam said putting his hand on my shoulder “has
been pushed through a portal to our world. Do you know of a way to send
her back? ...Please?” Sam was pale and about to break a sweat. Could
this old hag really be all that powerful? Madame, (as she was simply
known) looked Sam strait in the eye and said “Hurmmmm…Ok, ok just get
in here before you get so nervous that the wolf in you comes out.” At
this, Sam froze. Not in fear, but in total anger he stood there with a
blank look on his face. Something about him, his vibe, changed
drastically he was suddenly very cold as if his soul had just
disappeared. What surprised (scared) me the most were his eyes. They
went from that pale sort of blue to totally black with dull, yellow
slits down the center. Sam blinked, and his eyes returned to normal as
if he had suddenly gotten his soul back. Madame yelled, “Get in here!”
and Sam and I closed the door behind us. I could barely breath inside
the hut; it smelled like one thousand things were rotting at once.
Inside the dark hut there was an old table covered with plants and
animals, old books, pots, and pans. Madame was flipping through the
pages of a book. She continued looking through the supplies as she
began to talk to us. “I know of a spell” she said “it can take you to
wherever you wish to go most. It will take a month to prepare.” Madame
finished looking up at us. “Now go! Return in a month and I may have
the spell ready.” Sam rushed out of the small hut and I followed him,
he seemed relieved to finally be leaving. I thought to myself a month,
a month in this world. I knew I could survive here (I hoped) with my
newfound friends; right now all I was worried about was Sam. What did
Madame mean by “inner wolf”? Sam and I were halfway home when I decided
the only way to find out was to ask him. “Hey Sam, what did she mean
by-“ Sam cut me off “Nothing, she meant nothing.” I looked at the poor
boy, it seemed like behind those pale blue eyes of his there was a war
being raged. “You can trust me.” I said simply hoping that he would
believe me. “Please, forget it.” Sam said looking at me in the eyes
“you’re a better person for not knowing.” Sam walked ahead of me and
then changed the subject by saying “we should hurry, Mylo and Lye could
have news on when our next strike will be.” “Yeah” I said, I hoped he
would tell me whatever secret he had when he was ready. When we got
back to camp yelling and threatening welcomed us. It was Lye and Mylo.
Apparently when they stopped the tax collectors from taxing the
citizens of a riverside village today they had ran into a friend who
was spying on the king. The spy, who’s name was Enning (although Lye
called him Ratty) had been posing as a member of the Kings Shadow and
gathering information for Lye, Mylo and other rebels like them to use.
Enning had said that the king planned to make a personal appearance at
the execution of several rebels that were caught. Mylo thought that
this would be their best chance at getting to assassinate the king for
he was usually never seen outside the castle and he wanted to save the
captured rebels from sure death. Lye did not trust Ratty at all and
believed that he was a double spy who was setting them up for an
ambush. Lye had also said that no one had heard of any rebels being
captured, which probably meant there were none. By the time Sam and I
had arrived insults were pouring out of both men and they were about to
duel it out with swords. “Ratty is a backstabbing fool who will do
whatever it takes to get money!” Lye screamed Mylo yelled back “He’s
not the best of men, but he would never dare to double cross us!”
Suddenly lowering his voice Mylo said “If your not going to help for
the sake of ending this war and killing the king, would you at least do
it for our brothering who are about to die?” Lye’s voice lowered
slightly as well “What if there are no captured rebels?” He said, “What
if there are?” Mylo said back simply. Lye looked at Mylo for the
longest time; finally he dropped his sword and said, “If Ratty double
crosses us, he’s dead.” Then Lye walked away into the forest. Mylo
turned to Sam and said, “Could you please go tell Hibbing’s (The rebels
sort of leader) that we will join them?” Sam turned toward the entrance
of the camp without a word. Mylo looked at me, “I’m sorry about Lye.”
He said “about five years ago he loved a women named Lienna (Hibbing’s
sister) who died in a massacre by the Kings Shadow. The whole thing
happened because of leaked information and Lye blames Enning. “That’s
so horrible” I whispered. “Things like that happen every day here.”
Mylo said, “Which makes killing the king even more important.” “I’m
helping.” I said it without realizing what it meant; it was like an
inner voice inside me. Immediately I knew it was right and not even
Mylo was going to stop me. Mylo raised a curious eyebrow and said
“How?” I was actually kind of surprised that Mylo did not object to me
fighting, but he just seemed to be confused that I would want to help
at all. “I have no idea.” I said honestly. “Then lets get to work.” He
said. That’s what we did for the next two days (it was Tuesday and the
kings appearance would be on Sunday). Mylo and I worked diligently
trying various fighting techniques. I broke five arrows before they
could hit a target, needed help just lifting a sword, and I had what
Mylo said was a bad aura for magic. Which meant that it didn’t like me
and I didn’t per say like it back much either. I also tried to handle
axes, clubs, and a heavy medal ball that was covered in spikes and was
supposed to be whipped around with a chain. Everything was much too
heavy or barbaric for me to use. When Sam had come back he told us that
Hibbing’s was planning to send an entire rebel army to ensure the kings
demise. The captured rebels who were supposed to be hanged still had
not been identified, but who ever it was would be killed on Sunday at
sunset. Lye came back on Thursday acting as though he had never left.
He walked into the campsite one night during dinner and through a small
leather bag at my feet. “What is it?” I asked as I opened it. “Well
you’re going to fight aren’t you?” he said, as if he had known what
Mylo and me had been trying to do. Inside the sack there were several
small, identical knives. They had gorgeous marble red handles and were
extremely shiny. As I held one of the knives in my hands I realized
that I might have to kill someone. I had known that I would have to
fight; that didn’t bother me at all, but the aspect of killing someone
had never crossed my mind. I looked at the people around me; surely (in
their line of work) they had all killed someone except for Sam who had
vowed to not even fight unless he had to. I thanked Lye for the knives
and told myself that I would do what I had to when the time came.
"I prefer peace because too many wars have been faught in my mind already."
Frequent Contributor
WriterJim
Posts: 75
Registered: ‎01-27-2007
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Re: I'm Baaaaaaaack!

Welcome back, Talon:

It's just as well that you dropped on the chocolate thing for now. The real world (poisoned pet food) has caught up with you on that one.

Your new piece is interesting and full of details. It gets off to a fast start. I'm wondering about your choice of first person point of view. It does give things a sense of immediacy, but the drawback is something that looks like you might be in jeopardy of falling into--telling us the story instead of showing us.

The first few sf stories that I ever wrote--slavish tributes to Robert A. Heinlein--were also attempts at first person and didn't really make the grade. The criticism that I got at the time was that I was doing too much telling of action and background, rather than showing the action and letting the background slowly fill in.

One author who was really adept at first person--Roger Zelazny--leavened his narrator's story with a lot of action and dialogue, so that it didn't seem so much that we were reading somebody's account of a story, but really getting into his. His Prince of Amber series is a good example of that kind of story-telling.

Anyway, you seem to be well into this draft, but when you go back for a rewrite, you might think about more dialogue and more action to suck us in to the story.

Good luck, and welcome back.
Contributor
Talon_Radden
Posts: 17
Registered: ‎02-03-2007
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Re: I'm Baaaaaaaack!

Thank you for your advice! I have noticed that sometimes there are too many "and suddenly"'s in my writing quite frankly i just get bored really easily and my only hope of finishing a story is to make it exciting for me too. I'll try to work on my patience. Thanks again! =D
"I prefer peace because too many wars have been faught in my mind already."
Frequent Contributor
KristenS
Posts: 136
Registered: ‎02-09-2007
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Re: I'm Baaaaaaaack!

Nothing wrong with exciting! But when you go back to edit, you'll want to draw out what you've already written, make it longer, make it take us longer to read it.

I've got that trouble too. I keep adding more stuff when I should just be strengthening the stuff I've already got. Make it read like a story rather than a list of events. It's tough, though.

The first goal is finishing! Go for it.
Frequent Contributor
marta_randall
Posts: 166
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: I'm Baaaaaaaack!

Kirsten's right: the most important thing at this stage is going on with the story. "And suddenly..." isn't that bad a strategy for getting through the first draft, as long as you remember that it shouldn't show up in the finished story.

In fact, it's a good idea to go back through a finished draft looking specifically for any "suddenly" phrases. They will usually be a sign that you need to smooth out a transition, or finish a scene, or figure out why you got bored with the scene in the first place (which is often a clue that the scene may not need to be there).

So, onward!
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