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doeyeou2
Posts: 45
Registered: ‎04-24-2007
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Sample of my SF writing - like to have your comments and criticisms. 4400 word count

The newly elected president sat in his office reading strategies from past presidents and councils. He had slotted today to get through the electronic files. During the long span of reading, he had unintentionally established a routine with every chime of the clock, he com’ed out for more caffeine brew. Today he had ordered twelve pots and would need several more before he was finished with today’s agenda. As he completed each strategy’s summary he tossed the M-DVD back into the storage container. Only for a hand full of them had he taken the time to read completely. The president was a historian by training and already knew much of what was within the reports. He was searching for ideas. He knew the only way to save his world was to stop the war, either through peaceful or military solutions. The war between his planet the Whits and their sworn enemy the Yeros had been going on for almost 250 star circles.

The war was devastating both the ecology and economically of the planet. During each star circle the Yeros improved their weaponry. To prevent mass slaughter of his military, he knew he would have to spend more currency on defense and additional weaponry. His was a world of farmers. The focus of science and technology was on growing not destroying. To be able to defend against any out world force he needed to purchase supplies from a weapons merchant. The Scammrs were the merchant of choice. They were always able to develop and supply new product lines. The Scammrs knew the Yeros had attacked the latest food transporters and had destroyed all the outgoing freighters. Knowing we could no longer protect our ships, the Scammrs had a high price for the latest defense technology. If his world didn’t pay to protect the freighters, they wouldn’t be paid for their primary export, food. If they are not paid for the food, then how could they buy the new technology to protect the freighters? The typical mother and offspring problem, which comes first the offspring or the mother?

To get the blood flowing back into his legs, the president stood while reading the next summary. Several decades back the council had agreed to spend ten times their annual weaponry budget to develop the new weapons themselves. The council’s long-term plan was to invest enough capital early to leap ahead of the Yeros and force them to end the war. In the third star circle of the plan an accident at the weapons facility had destroyed an area greater than a hundred times the facilities size. No member of the facilities staff, building, or record had escaped the blast. Eventually the council had to go back to the weapons merchant.

Continuing to read through the summaries he noted the strategies were not limited to conquest resolutions. Several strategies had been developed to use peaceful solutions. One strategy had been to offer an astronomical amount of tracts to buy off the Yeros. He looked at the date of the strategy and the calculation presented in the body of the report, if the strategy had been accepted the war would have been over 125 star circles ago and the debt paid 22 star circles ago. “Why couldn’t they have agreed to terms?” he asked himself. He mourned the millions of lives lost in the continuing war. On several occasions the two worlds had come close to negotiating a peace and each time an event would occur which destroyed the chance for peace.

Standing up to walk around his office again, the president tossed the last summary into the container. He picked up the latest economic report and reread it for the fourth time. Frustrated, he threw the economic report across the room in anger. The numbers were actually better than what he was expecting. The problem with the numbers was when the economy was two billion tracts in the red, being ten thousand better was only a star in the sky.

He knew as the president, he could go before the tracts merchants and ask for a loan. The loan they were now paying on was calculated to take 74 star circles to pay off and that was before the damage to the ecology.

Looking out into the void of night, he was saddened by the lack of visible stars. The ecology report, which was delivered a few rotations ago, was the worse news since he took office. The multitude of fliers from both worlds that been blasted, gone down, destroyed, or reduced to derelict status in the outer atmosphere had formed a layer of debris circling the planet. The debris so solid as to reduce the amount of light filtered to the ground. The reduced light affected the plant growth and increased the surface heat. The increased heat was causing a higher volume and intensity in the world’s storms. There were other regions where rainfall was down so far that droughts where being reported. Then when it did rain, the rain came down with burnt particle residue and polluted the water system.

“Damn!” He screamed out loud in anger and frustration.

His security team rushed into his office with weapons drawn searching for the threat.

“Stand down,” he roared. The anger still wanting to be released, “I have to be able to swear without you rushing in here. Other wise I’ll be insane in a week!”

“Sir, we will either keep rushing in here or you can allow one of my team to be with you.”

The president looked over the team, looking into each pair of eyes. He saw no one who he wanted to be looking over his shoulder for three-fourths of every rotation. “No. I have enough issues to handle without having one of your team creeping around the office trying to be quiet. I’m afraid your team will just have to figure out how to deal with my fits of frustration.”

“Now please leave.”

The security team to a man stood at attention and saluted the president and then left the room to set up their perimeter again.

The president walked over and picked up from the floor the economic report. Walking back to his desk he looked into the frames of his family mounted on the wall. Touching the action button, he watched his wife and daughter setting the evening meal. The anger washing away to the point that a slight grin touched his face as he remembered his wife fussing about his choice of recording on the frame. She never could understand why he would select the digital reproductions of mundane family actions over the special trips and magnificent vistas they had visited. He watched the reproduction, seeing the small little twitches his wife made with her nose. He loved the way his daughter liked to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear.

Taking a deep cleansing breath he moved back behind his desk. Sitting down he started running through his notes creating possible scenarios. He then compared his scenarios and those he had collected from his staff. His staff of 200, the most intelligent minds on the planet had determined five proposals. He read the last proposal and slammed the report down on his station, “Da…” He cut off the word before it got out. Talking to the night, “Let’s see, I have a choice of starving, massacres, surrender to be massacre, continue to wreck the economy, or gamble on a mass invasion of Yero to stop the war.” He knew he had to come up with a plan to go before the council. The council meeting was two rotations away and no plan was worse than a bad plan. This was no time for the planet’s council to be split into differing fractions. Looking at the proposals again, he decided none of these would work. Something new, something out of the square would have to be produced.

Leaning back in his recliner, he closed his eyes and thought of his daughter playing in her room. After a moment he opened his eyes and stared out into the night’s void. Thinking out loud, “We have the tracts to continue building the food production plants. Once the food plants are in full production we can trade the increased surplus to pay off the loan. We have the military personnel to maintain the defense perimeters. What we don’t have is the new defense and weapon’s technology to upgrade the military. The Scammrs have the technology, if only we could gain…” Spinning around he reached for one of the discarded M-DVD. Loading the summary again he quickly read through the file.

“Damn,” he yelled which immediately brought in the security staff again.

The president sat calmly facing the senior security officer.

“Sir?”

“You know yelling “Damn”, works better than any communication device I have at my disposal.”

“Sir, I don’t understand.”

“Never mind, in twenty minutes I want Gry, Mrk, Dvid, Gerg and their senior intelligence members in my office. With them I want the Scammrs’ negotiators and science staff. Also, com the chef I need to get something to eat. Dismissed.”

When the room was empty again, he sat back again to look out into the void. He would set things in motion tonight. Thinking through his plan again, “It’s going to be dangerous for you Morgn. If anyone can pull it off, you can and I think you are my best choice.”

The president picked up his communication scrambler, “Hello Morgn, are you alone? Good, listen I have something for you. When can you be here? Good okay, and Morgn don’t say a word to anyone?”



As the president walked out of the shower the office communicator rang, “Sir, you wanted to know when your sixth chime appointment Mr. Ghst arrived.”

“Yes, send him in with a pot of caffeine and those argon pasties.”

“Yes, sir.”

He stood by the window as Morgn walked in. Right behind him, the steward left the tray of pastries and pot of caffeine. “Sir, will you need anything more?”

“No, that will be it, thanks Lis.”

Waiting until the door closed, “Well you old bugger. What have you got yourself into this time?”

The president walked over and hugged his friend. Smiling, “You still have a way with words.”

For the next few minutes the lifelong friends chatted about life and family. With a bit of anticipation showing the president got to business. “Morgn, I don’t want you to be here to long and I don’t have a lot of time. What do you know about the Scammrs?”

“Weapon dealers. Deal in high-end planetary defenses and offensive weapons. They maintain very tight security on all their ships. Their race’s culture is centered on discipline. A popular rumor has it they executed a ship’s captain cause he allow a female friend to tour the ship while in dock. I don’t believe a word of it. In their beliefs discipline borders on religion, the female would have been harvested just for suggesting the infraction.” After a moment of contemplation, “Why do you want to know?”

“Before I answer the question, what about their technology? Are you aware that no one seems to know where they develop or manufacture their weaponry?”

Morgn walked over to the pastry tray, he poured himself a cup, selected a pastry, and walked to face the window. The president watched his lifelong friend at the window. Morgn turned to face his friend, “Why couldn’t you just ask for something small like stealing a galactic starship or walking through Helios without a fire suit?”

“It’s the only plan that makes sense to me. I can’t afford to pay them what they are asking. This planet is already so in debt, we won’t be able to pay the debt off in my lifetime. I need you to infiltrate their systems and bring me back the technology.”

“Who will know about this plan?”

“Me.”

“You going to take care of me, if I make it through this job?”

“I’m surprised you even need to ask. Absolutely, I will take care of your family to the best of my ability.”

“I just needed to hear you say it. Damn, okay when do you want it done?”

“You’re not gone yet?”

They both smiled. The president knew he was sending his best friend into serious danger. They put their heads together and worked out specific details. Four pots of caffeine later, Morgn left.


To the president, the next three months were a blur. He receives approval from the Council to purchase the defensive technology to guard the freighters. The tracts would come from refinancing their current loan for another twenty star circles. He restricts all freight runs to the bare minimum. He could not condone an action that would prevent food being delivered to a hungry world. His second action was more inaction than action. Without raising suspension, his plan is to move as slow as possible on signing the loan and purchase contracts with the Scammrs. He was now running out of time. For the last three rotations, the Scammrs merchant had requested a meeting to finalize the purchase agreement. One of the tactics the president is using to delay meeting the Scammrs merchant is by being somewhere else when the merchant comes to the office. “Lis, what do I have planned for tomorrow?”

“Sir, you wanted to tour the food complex buildings. That is a early rotation meeting and scheduled to take most of the rotation.”

“Thank you Lis, please communicate with the Scammrs merchant and schedule a meeting in two rotations.”

“Yes sir.”

Looking out across the room, the president whispered “Morgn where are you? I’m running out of time.”

As he enters the complex, the president followed the complex’s manager into his small office. “Sir, may I have your coat?” George places their heavy coats into a storage locker. The security team is outside in the cold. Only one member of the team will accompany the president through the tour. The president had been very emphatic about wanting to see the typical rotation’s work on the complex no matter how mundane.

Taking a long elevator ride, George shows the president a clipboard, “These are daily sensor reports. Each half rotation the moisture, heat, and nitrogen levels are measured.” The president watches as George scans the daily moisture reports and then selects a particular floor’s elevator button. “I have been watching the sensors on this floor and as I expected the levels on floor 102 are still dropping.”

As the elevator opens, the president breaths in warm moisture-ridden air, the fragrance of corn stalks, and fertilizer. In awe he walks down the towering rows of corn plants, he rolls up his sleeves feeling the warmth and humidity soak into his skin. He watches as George digs into the moist topsoil to locate sensor 102091. George runs diagnostics and determines the sensor is working properly.

“Now we need to check the water pressure at a sprinkler head.” He groans “Damn. Oh excuse me sir.”

Smiling, “Don’t worry I’ve been known to express myself a time or two.”

Watching George as he walks the long rows to the storage room, the president sees George grab a bag of filters. Returning with the filters, they head in the other direction to the floor’s main piping. Turning the automatic timers off, Geroge closes the water valve and begins changing out the filters.

“Damn river, oh excuse me sir. Uh the river, I told them we need to convert to well water for irrigation. But I know, to have wells dug deep enough to supply all the water we need would be very expensive.”

“How many times are you required to change the filters?”

“We have been changing them every third rotation. Which means we are using eight times more than we had planned.”

George picks up the old filters and dumps the sludge-coated filters down the waste shoot.

“Sir, you have a com.” The president heard over his shoulder.

“Who is it?” A little perturbed to be disturbed.

“Uh sir, the com is from Lis and I’m to tell you it’s the com you have been expecting.”

“Okay, George can you excuse me.” Reaching for the security officers com he moves to the single outside door. Moving quickly through the door to prevent the heat sensor alarms from ringing. The president stands out on a small balcony overlooking the complex sister buildings. Shivering in the cold, “Lis put him on.”

“One moment sir, he didn’t want to remain on the com. I’m to com him back and connect you.” Looking out towards the distance horizon seeing the rising sun trying to break through the gray sky, the president could see the towering fields of buildings growing the food for many worlds and wonders "Did they start building the complexes in time?"

The president hears a click then Morgn’s voice on the line.

“No names please and don’t speak.”

“Uh okay.”

“I have some information you need. I will not communicate it now. I don’t want to meet you where we met before. I will meet you were we met last star circle.” Click, the com went silent.

“Damn”

The president stared out at the rows of building wondering why Morgn has decided to be so guarded. He could only assume Morgn felt he was being monitored. Walking back into the warm complex room. Tossing the com to the security man, “Pack them up, we are going home.”

“George, thank you for your time. Keep up the great work.”




Sitting at a table in the back of the room, he saw Morgn walk in and go straight to the long counter and order a drink. Shortly after entering a couple came and took a table by the front door. Morgn stayed at the counter talking to the tender there for a clock chime. Placing several coins on the counter Morgn stood up and headed to the door. Catching a toe in a chair, morgn tripped slightly and then laughed at himself. Laughing quickly with the couple at the front table Morgn gave the man a good ole boy friendly punch and then left.

“Com”

“Sir?”

“Detain the couple as they exit the building. Find an excuse without causing suspicion.”

“Yes sir.”

The president watched the clock and at a quarter of a chime later the couple stood and left the building. A few moments later the president heard a voice behind him. “Thank you bugger they have been following me for eight rotations.”

“Sit down Morgn. Have you eaten?”

The president listened to Morgn’s story as they ate. Of how he was able to disguise himself and gain access to the Scammrs ship as a navigator. Of how he had begun to think he would have to change his tactics when the Scammrs announced they had to make a delivery. The lead navigator plotted the navigation route to deliver the recently acquired merchandize. Morgn pulled up the route and learned the weaponry was to be delivered to Yeros. Accessing the navigation files he learned the Scammrs always picked up their merchandize in mid-space. Eventually, he gathered enough information about previous pick up locations to build an algorithm to determine possible pick up locations.

Morgn told the president how difficult it was to not sabotage the Yeros delivery. He knew he had to look at the big picture and find the Scammrs weapons laboratory and manufacturing locations. All the time he wondered why the Scammrs would not just meet ship to ship for deliveries. The next phase of his plan he explain was to stake out a pick-up point and follow the dropping off vessel back to the manufacturing facilities. Where he hoped he could infiltrate the laboratory and steal the weapon designs.

Taking a sip Morgn explained waiting for nine rotations at the highest probability point for a ship to come and drop off another set of merchandize. While listening to him the president thought of things that Morgn wasn’t saying. Things like the fact sitting out in space, all main systems shutdown to appear like a derelict. Living in total silence and cold for nine rotations. A shiver ran through the president. Morgn continued his story. He told of finally seeing the drop off ship and knowing his life might be over.
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doeyeou2
Posts: 45
Registered: ‎04-24-2007
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Re: Sample of my SF writing - like to have your comments and criticisms. 4400 word count

“Bugger, it was a Deth ship. I saw one fifteen star circles ago. Once I saw it I even turned off life support. I did not want them seeing me.”

The shocking truth of what he learned from Morgn was the Scammrs were a front for the weapon merchants from the planet Deth. The Deths were also the weapon merchants for the Yeros. The Deths were secretly supplying weapons for both sides. No one had ever been to the Deth's home world. They were extremely private and direct dealings with them were not permitted. Another widely held belief was that the Deths were extremely good at assassinations and through connections could be hired for the right price. The president knew of an additional belief. He had heard that sometimes the Deths accepted assassinations just for the thrill of the hunt.

Another problem with learning the weapons were coming from the Deths, if Morgn told this to anyone, the Deths would find a way to make sure he didn’t tell anyone else. The Deths were believed to be the best death merchants in the universe.

“Morgn go find you a nice little plot of land and vegetate for half a star circle.”

Looking at the president with worried expression, “Bugger be careful, real careful.”

Morgn stood up to leave and headed for the rear door. At the threshold the president had a final word, “Morgn, I don’t have the words to explain what this means.”

Morgn nodded his head and left.

The president sat at the table for two more chimes of the clock. At first too stunned by the news to think clearly, slowly he started putting pieces together. He remembers all the failed strategies, the explosion at the weapon facility. The Deths had to be responsible committing assignations on both worlds to prolong the war. Destroying two worlds.

The president requested a meeting of his ambassadors. “Gentlemen, I don’t know how you can do it or how you get it done. I want a meeting with the leadership of Yeros as soon as possible. Do whatever it takes but get it done.”


The president surrounded by his security team was exhausted by the negotiations just to get permission to meet with the Yeros. He knew it was dangerous to be on the enemies’ turf. But, it was the only way the Yeros would agree to talk.

The president’s team notified him the meetings would be held in six chimes. After a frustrating morning dealing with more loss of lives caused by the war, the president could not remain behind his console. The president walked through the Yero palace's gardens. The fragrances from the garden began to relax his mind. For hours he had been wondering about the words he would need to express to get the Yeros to believe him. While walking slowly through the garden he heard a tinkling giggle coming from his left. Turning in the direction of the sound he saw a small girl child sitting at a small table. A tea set was set out on the table with several stuffed animals sitting in chairs around the table. The girl’s giggle was so soothing and pleasing to listen to. Moving a lock of hair behind her ear, the girl turned to her furry companions and asked them if they wanted more tea or biscuits. Turning to the left she saw the president standing there and smiled. “Oh hello. My name is Sarh. My friends and I are having a tea party would you like to join?”

The president smiled at the thought of taking the time to have a child’s tea party in the middle of a war and danger. “I would love to. It’s been so long since I had tea with my daughter.”

“Oh come and have a seat, I have an open chair right here.”

“You are so kind, thank you.” The president sat on the small chair, his knees bent almost to his chest.

Taking a cup from the chest on the table she placed it before the president. “I have the most delicious tea and biscuits. You just have to try them.”

As the little girl poured the clear liquid from the teapot, the president thought to himself, “This is the reason why. We have to start thinking about our children. All we have to do is sit down to a cup of tea and resolve all the problems.”

Taking a small sip of minted water, the president smiled at the small girl.

Standing up the president thanked the girl for the tea and said his goodbyes.

Walking back into the palace the president knew exactly what he needed to do to stop the war.

The meeting came to order with all of the delegates around the room focused on the president. “I want to thank all of you for allowing me to appear before you.” The president had a smile on his face remembering the sweet little girl and how she had made the words come to him. “I have some very important information to relay to you. First, on behave of my world I…..” The president felt a burp come up through his throat across his tongue. The burp had a taste of mint. Embarrassed at being unable to stop it…then he felt a second burp. The gas from the first burp floated through the air until it came in contact with the lighted cigar of a delegate and flashed. The flash fire raced back to the president and upon reaching him the explosion blew apart half the palace.

The Deths are a race of beings with a genius for death and the face of a child.
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marta_randall
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Re: Sample of my SF writing - like to have your comments and criticisms. 4400 word count

Doe, this definitely shows improvement -- but you are still loading the narrative with exposition. I think you are trying to cram too much story into too few words -- open it out, especially every place where you start talking about background.
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doeyeou2
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Re: Sample of my SF writing - like to have your comments and criticisms. 4400 word count



marta_randall wrote:
Doe, this definitely shows improvement -- but you are still loading the narrative with exposition. I think you are trying to cram too much story into too few words -- open it out, especially every place where you start talking about background.





Marta, to understand better. Are you saying instead "explaining why" he's standing....

To get the blood flowing back into his legs, the president stood while reading the next summary.

.... I should describe what he's doing and ignore the "why"

The president stood stretching out his legs. His exhausted eyes never leaving the screen, placing his hands on the small of his back he arched outward hearing the kinks in his spine groan their protest.
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marta_randall
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Re: Sample of my SF writing - like to have your comments and criticisms. 4400 word count

Doe, what I mean is that the story doesn’t start until the eighth paragraph. The material before then is all exposition, that is, it tells the reader about history and background and all that, rather than showing the reader these things in action.

For example, instead of telling about environmental pollution, have your character arrive at his office through the filthy rain and think about how this was another side-effect of the war. Instead of telling us about the Scammrs, show us the president negotiating for more weapons. Turn the material into scenes, with people moving and talking. It may take a while to get the hang of doing this, but it will help immeasurably.
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doeyeou2
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Re: Sample of my SF writing - like to have your comments and criticisms. 4400 word count



marta_randall wrote:
Doe, what I mean is that the story doesn’t start until the eighth paragraph. The material before then is all exposition, that is, it tells the reader about history and background and all that, rather than showing the reader these things in action.

For example, instead of telling about environmental pollution, have your character arrive at his office through the filthy rain and think about how this was another side-effect of the war. Instead of telling us about the Scammrs, show us the president negotiating for more weapons. Turn the material into scenes, with people moving and talking. It may take a while to get the hang of doing this, but it will help immeasurably.




Marta, I haven't had time to redo the entire story taking out the expositions. Here is the first quarter for your review, please.


“Even the dead are killing us,” thought the president as he stared out the grimy transport window.

Frnk his driver called out, “Sir, I now have a clear signal. The base commander was at the crash site. I have him online now. I can transfer him when you’re ready.”

“Go ahead Frnk, it’s not going to get any better by waiting.”

The president heard the click of the com go active, “Mr. President we…”

“Hello? Hello…” Looking to the driver, “Frnk?”

“Sorry sir, I lost the signal again. Damn rain.” Frnk so intent on the com unit did not realize he had cussed in front of the president.

Holding the handset waiting for communication to be reestablished, the president looked out the window. “Frnk, when was last time you were off planet?”

“Sir, last week I flew a shuttle in for servicing.”

Looking out into the void of night the president asked, “Are the reports true?”

“Sir, I don’t know which reports your referencing.”

“Frnk, how bad is the debris? I’ve got scientist telling me predictions. I want to know what you’ve seen.”

“Yes sir.” Collecting his thoughts for a moment. “Sir. I grew up in swamp country seeing the leaves, branches, tree moss collect and rot on the surface of the water. The debris turns the water black with all the rot. Some mornings you can see the sun reflect off the black water.” Shivering from some unspoken memory, Frnk continues “Sir, I’ve walked through areas of swamp on night’s so black the air feels heavy with ghosts. That’s what it felt like.”

Silence filled the transport as the president thought of the multitude of fliers needed to be blasted, destroyed, or reduced to derelict status in the outer atmosphere to form a layer of debris circling the entire planet. The debris so solid as to reduce the amount of light filtered to the ground.

“Sir, I have the commander again.”

Taking a moment the president went on in a calmer voice, “Hello commander, before you start you should know I don’t want to hear any excuses. I want to know why we had a flyer up in this debris fall against my direct orders.”

“Yes, Mr. President. As you heard, we had a trainer go down a half a chine ago. I’m sorry to say the pilot was killed. He was transferring the trainer from our moon base. We have confirmed the rain clogged the air intake and overheated the engine. His original destination was changed due to a sever storm in that area. After circling for two chimes to clear radio blackout his flight plan was changed so that he would land here. Once it started raining here, we checked for a new destination but he was too low on fuel to redirect to another base. Sir, we did follow all precautions.”

“Commander are you telling me there was nothing we could have changed to prevent his loss?”

“Mr. President, short of not scheduling the flight, we could not have prevented this crash. At the time of launch both the original and this base had fair weather. The storm came up while he was entering the atmosphere. We redirected him immediately after exiting the radio blackout.”

In a voice mixed with anger and frustration, “Thank you commander, that will be all.”

“Sir, the rain is causing backups in traffic. It’s going to take longer to get into the office.”

Glancing at the inboard clock the president saw they had time. “Frnk, take the express to get around the crash site.”

“Yes sir.”

Following the express route through the city, the president viewed the grime coated trees and plants.

“Sir, we have arrived.” Frnk announce as the transport pulled up to the building.

The door was opened by one of the president’s security staff who held out an umbrella to him.

“Good first chime sir,” said the security officer.

Walking to the building’s main door, the president noticed a stream of raindrops land on the security officer’s coat. As each drop hit and rolled down the coat, the water left deep blackish gray soot residue. Looking out into the rain, “No, today is not good. Today, even the dead are killing us.”

* * *

“Sir, here is the last container. I’ve pulled all the remaining strategy reports issued for the last sixty presidents and councils.”

Looking up from computer screen, the president motioned for the clerk to set them on a corner of his desk. “You can take those three containers back now, I have finished with them.”

Picking up his caffeine cup, the president poured out another cup. Taking a sip he grimaced. “Please have Lis bring in another pot, this one’s gone cold.”

“I will try sir.”

Surprised by the response, the president look up “What do you mean, ‘You will try?’ “

“Well sir, you know how stubborn Lis can be. When I brought the last pot in she said it would be the last for today.”

“Lis” yelled the president.

“Yes sir? You bellowed?”

“What do you mean telling him to stop bringing in the caffeine pots?”

“I thought I had been fairly clear on the matter sir. Twelve pots in the last twelve clock chimes is too much, sir. I will be glad to get you some other drink.”

“Lis, are you my physician or my mother?”

“No sir, just looking out for your health, since obviously you don’t.”

“Enough!” Turning to the clerk, “Don’t you have containers to move?” Tossing a strategy’s M-DVD back into the storage container.

The president look at Lis, “Thank you for your concern Lis. Now Lis did you finish the financial analysis?”

“Yes, sir. I have it on my desk. I’ll bring it right in.” A slightly sarcastic tone in her voice, “Will that be all sir?”

“Why, yes I believe so.” Waiting until Lis was at the door, “Oh Lis bring me a pot of caffeine on your way back.”
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Odin
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Re: Sample of my SF writing - like to have your comments and criticisms. 4400 word count

 
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Odin
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Registered: ‎06-01-2007
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Re: Sample of my SF writing - like to have your comments and criticisms. 4400 word count

I am really impressed with the improvement in the second rendition. I cared alot more about the characters. The only criticism that I have is the fact that the presedent does not have a name.
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