02-25-2007 10:11 PM
Lena was asleep, or atleast she told herself she was asleep. No matter how hard she tried she could never sleep because there was a consistent wheezing in the back of her mind. "No," She whispered to herself, "thats just mom in the back room, trying to sleep like i am. We're failing miserably."
I have to stop lieing to myself, she thaught. Mom is really sick now, she has been bedridden for a week and i can't afford her medicine or groceries. If mom dies, she thaught... If mom dies i don't think i will have much of a future either.
Lena's thaughts were temporarily stopped by a cough and a moan. She knew that tomorrow she would have to go to that old witch for help. Lena dreaded the thaught but at this point, knew there were no other options
02-26-2007 03:00 PM
I don't think its too sinister at all! I know you are not supposed to judge a book by its cover and all that; but really its the Titles that will catch my eye when I'm in a book store with a bajillion other books that want me to buy them That and the art on the front cover.. I know I'm breaking that law
Good start to your story, it catches the readers interest. I liked hearing Lena's thoughts, so good job getting her personality across. You made some grammatical errors but those can be fixed easy. You could also put some more description in it, I know Lena is supposed to be asleep but I want to see the world she is in. Maybe describe the place that the old witch lives? A swampy marsh? Up the haunted hill? Something like that
Can't wait to see more!
02-27-2007 03:57 PM
I was trying to sleep, but no matter how hard I tried the wheezing in the back of my mind kept me awake. It was Mom, in the back room, also unable to sleep. It was time to stop fooling myself. Mom had been sick for a week, bedridden, and I couldn't afford her medicines or groceries.
It makes the story more immediate. However, if the rest of the story doesn't take place in Lena's head, then sticking with third person is a good option, as long as that opening gets smoothed a little:
Lena was asleep, or at least she told herself she was asleep. No matter how hard she tried she could never sleep because there was a consistent wheezing in the back of her mind. She knew it was Mom, in the back room, also failing at being asleep.
She realized that she had to stop lying to herself. Her mom was really sick, bedridden for a week, and Lena couldn't afford medicine or even groceries. If her mom died...
Mom coughed and moaned. Lena knew that tomorrow she would have to go to that old witch for help. There were no other options.