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lovelee
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Registered: ‎03-05-2007
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Lovelee Visual Writing Exercise #1

It is late and he rushes through the door. He looks at his watch. The minutes seem to fly. He can't be late. He kicks his shoes off before he is too far into the house. He undoes his tie and throws his jacket onto the pile in the floor. He runs up the hard steps. As he reaches the top step he takes a deep breath and slows down. He inhales and breathes out slowly. His movements begin to slow down. He walks past another pile of clothes in the bright blueness of his bedroom. He clicks on the radio and listens to NPR. The talking seems to calm him down. The more rapidly the guests argue across the dial, the more he begins to take measured steps...

The steam of the shower done. He glances at the clock. The minutes are still moving oblivious to his motions. He buttons his shirt and puts on his freshly ironed jeans. This is the third outfit he has tried on. He then stands and sits, stands and sits, standa and sits. He does this to make his clothes just slightly wrinkled. He breathes and walks down the steps. Out the door he walks to the car. It's late but he doesn't care. He doesn't want her to know he cares.
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Posts: 3,107
Registered: ‎10-27-2006
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Re: Lovelee Visual Writing Exercise #1



lovelee wrote: It's late but he doesn't care. He doesn't want her to know he cares.




You managed to stay with the writing that tells us what he is doing....apart from these last two sentences: how would you show that on his way to the car...

ziki
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crAZRick
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Registered: ‎01-27-2007
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Re: Lovelee Visual Writing Exercise #1

also, it's kind of twisted into a paradox:

It is late and he rushes in... he can't be late... he's late, but he doesn't care. He doesn't want her to know that he cares...

either he is already doomed to be late, and it bothers him, which it seems to since he is mostly rushing to get ready so as to not be too terribly late, because he does care, but then he slows his pace for whatever reason, which doesn't jibe with him being bothered about being late... or he's late, he doesn't care if she cares that he's late, in which case there should be no need for the frenetic overtones and pace of his rituals...

???
I no longer regret that I have no quote, quip or anecdote to share with my countrymen... how about all y'all?
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danielnoah
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Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: Lovelee Visual Writing Exercise #1

[ Edited ]
Hi, Lovelee. I can feel the anxiety in this scene. It's palpable. But it's reading a bit more like a scene from a short story or novel than from a screenplay. The reason for this is that you're telling the story with internal things - his feelings, his thoughts. But a movie by definition is external. For example, the thought "He can't be late," while very true to what he would be experiencing in this situation, wouldn't SHOW on screen, since in a movie we have no way of knowing what a character is thinking. Similarly, there is no way to know that "He does this to make his clothes just slightly wrinkled," since that too is a thought.

I suggest taking another shot at this. Use only EXTERNAL, VISUAL elements to convey what's happening to your man. Good start!

Message Edited by danielnoah on 03-12-200705:41 PM

NEM
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NEM
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Registered: ‎03-01-2007
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Re: Lovelee Visual Writing Exercise #1

I liked it, but it seemed a little more internal than visual than the others.
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