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TrayseaWrites
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TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

Blouses, skirts, slacks fly through the air as Lynn frantically searches for the perfect outfit. She finds one; a hot little ivory and lavender silk dress with beaded straps. She lays it out carefully on the bed and she heads back to her walk-in closet to attack the shoeboxes in search of the perfect pair of mules. She finds a pair; ivory suede mules that she handles as if a bomb waiting to explode and places them on the bed next to the silk dress.

She dashes into the bathroom wrenching the silver knob to the left and stand back as a steady spray of water flows from the showerhead. The bathroom immediately fills with a light fog as Lynn strips down to her birthday suit and hops in the shower. She grabs a small pink body puff and the half-empty bottle of shampoo and squirts a generous helping on the body puff. Lynn scrubs furiously hitting all major body parts before she drops the body puff and stands at an angle allowing the water to wash away the soapy suds.

Lynn carefully grabs the silk dress and slips it carefully over her curler-ridden hair. She grabs the mules and slips them on her tiny feet. She heads over to her vanity and touches the tops of several perfume bottles before deciding on the one with the red rose label. She begins to spray a generous helping of the scented liquid. She grabs her clutch and the car keys out of the small wicker basket on her breakfast bar and bolts out the door.

Lynn pulls into the driveway of her date, Evan and sees him walking toward her car looking at her strangely. She looks back at Evan, equally puzzled by his look, and decides to take a gander at herself in her car’s visor mirror. Lynn sees she has not removed the curlers from her hair.
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crAZRick
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Re: TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

I like this piece.
Solid overall. Funny ending.
I no longer regret that I have no quote, quip or anecdote to share with my countrymen... how about all y'all?
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danielnoah
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Re: TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

Well done, Traysea! The scene is clear and easy to follow, and you played by the rules, limiting yourself only to visuals. The opening image of "Blouses, skirts and slacks flying through the air" perfectly conveys her mania in the simplest, visual terms. Likewise, your closing joke - that she forgot to take the curlers out of her hair - is a classic sight gag. Consider, however, how this last part would actually play out on screen. How would the curlers be concealed from the audience until that final moment, since the camera would theoretically be on Lynn for the entire scene? This might be a gag that works in prose but not on film. Good work!
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Brendan_M_Burns
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Re: TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

Perhaps you can't see the curlers because Lynn is *dead*!

Oh, wait, M. Night's already used that one...
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TrayseaWrites
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Re: TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise



crAZRick wrote:
I like this piece.
Solid overall. Funny ending.




Thanks! I didn't plan on that ending but as I kept writing I thought it was pretty boring so I switched up.
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TrayseaWrites
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Re: TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

Gotcha!! Maybe have the camera focus in on her spritzing perfume on her arms or something? Maybe just show a shot of her arms grabbing the car keys. Maybe while in the car we only see her eyes in the rearview mirror? I know, I know...I'm really pushing it. :-)
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TrayseaWrites
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Re: TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

Now THAT is classic!!!! Good one, Brendan!!! :-)
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Brendan_M_Burns
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Re: TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

You actually could pull off the curlers but it would take a good deal of misdirection. First, you'd have to show her with the curlers in plain sight at an early stage. Then you'd have to string together a montage of other facets of getting ready -- slipping into the dress, applying lipstick and mascara, etc. -- while making it a point never again to show her hair.

Yes, it's a sight gag, but if done correctly, it could also establish something about the character and make her sympathetic from the start. It's a fine line, however, between "sympathetic character" and "ditzy buffoon" and the screenwriter's vision may not ultimately be respected by the director.
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danielnoah
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Re: TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise


TrayseaWrites wrote:
Gotcha!! Maybe have the camera focus in on her spritzing perfume on her arms or something? Maybe just show a shot of her arms grabbing the car keys. Maybe while in the car we only see her eyes in the rearview mirror? I know, I know...I'm really pushing it. :-)


You could try that. Typically, however, the screenwriter doesn't really get into the WAY scenes are filmed and edited, only WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS on screen. But of course rules are made to be broken.
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crAZRick
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Re: TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

just put her thru the paces of trying on various hats before she bolts, late for her date, and have her do the courteous thing, remove her hat in the presence of her date... putting her in a hat while she leaves the house and drives to meet her date also handles the dread thought that there is a woman driver out there amongst us who doesn't use her mirrors while driving!!!

:smileyvery-happy:
I no longer regret that I have no quote, quip or anecdote to share with my countrymen... how about all y'all?
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TrayseaWrites
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Re: TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

Oh yeah...I forgot about that.
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TrayseaWrites
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Re: TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

Too funny!!! Probably wouldn't be too realistic if she didn't check the mirror being a woman, huh?
NEM
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NEM
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Re: TrayseaWrites - Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

I liked this one also. Slightly predictable, but still nice humor touch.
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