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crAZRick
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Registered: ‎01-27-2007
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crAZRick, Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

The bathroom is full of steam. Through the steam, we see a man, naked, standing in the bathtub. The shower is running, cascading over the man’s naked body. The man scrubs himself vigorously with a large, course loofah sponge, desperately rubbing the skin of his neck, chest and forearms red and raw.
He smiles as he watches the water spiral down the drain.

The same man, in the same steamy hot bathroom, stands before the sink and mirror. A towel draped around his shoulders, but still naked as he shaves himself with a straight razor. It is a close, smooth shave, no nicks, no cuts, and he smiles at himself in the mirror, before lowering the razor, performing another smooth stroke with the ever-sharp blade over the hairs on his forearm. Again, he smiles.

In the bedroom, his hair still wet, slicked back smooth, his face still flushed from the hot shower and vigorous scrubbing, the man stands in grey silk boxer shorts and a dark grey tee-shirt, holding a clothes hanger in his left hand, a small, black canvas bag in his right. The garments on the hanger are shrouded in clear plastic keeping them clean and dry; they are also dark in color, black or perhaps navy blue. The man pulls the bathroom door closed, and hangs the hanger on a rusty coat hook on the door. He then fishes for something in the canvas bag, recovering the straight razor, and takes specific care when slicing down the dry-cleaning wrap.

Now fully dressed in the dapper dark-colored suit coat and slacks, with the dark-grey tee-shirt exposed underneath—no dressy shirt to match such a fine suit—the man steps away from the bathroom door and sits in a small wooden chair near the bed, obsessively folding and folding and folding the plastic-wrap shroud before stuffing the compact clump into the black canvas bag. A glance inside the bag reveals the straight razor and the loofah sponge, along with a bar of soap, soggy and squished. The man zips up the canvas bag with one smooth swift motion. He stands, and approaches the small wooden dresser, smiling, always smiling.

On the dresser is a nearly-full bottle of vodka, a bottle of aftershave, a white silk handkerchief, an ashtray, pack of cigarettes and a box of wooden matches. The man tucks the canvas bag under his arm, takes up the aftershave, opens it, and tips the bottle into his open palm, then sets the bottle back on the dresser. He slaps his palms together gently then slaps his cheeks rather soundly, massaging the liquid into his fresh-shaven face. With a heavy breath, and that devilish smile, he turns from the dresser, and steps to the bed.

The bed either hasn’t been slept in or has been remade to military-spec perfection. Atop the rather ratty green comforter-quilt rest an array of articles and artifacts:

-several pictures of a lovely young lady in various stages of undress, as well as some less risqué if no less personal shots off the girl amidst various mixed company at various non-descript locations, walking, talking, laughing, eating, dancing, hugging, kissing men, not The Man in the dapper dark suit

-a box of Hefty super-size garbage bags
-a two-pack of rubber dishwashing gloves
-a length of thick rope coiled, but tightly bound around its middle
-a roll of silver duct tape
-a map with several scrawlings in different colors of ink

The man drops the black canvas bag onto the bed, then scoops up the ratty comforter and all the artifacts in one big bundle

Back to the dresser, the man now goes for the vodka. He takes one healthy chug from the open bottle, then spills the remaining contents across the dresser top, spinning slowly around, while the alcohol spills out over the floor and finally over the remaining unkempt bed sheets and pillow.

The man at the bedroom door, the bedcloth bundle in his fist, tucks a cigarette between his lips with his free hand. He fishes for the box of wooden matches in his pocket, as he drops the bundle in the hall outside the room. He strikes a match, lights the cig and takes a single long draw on the butt. He then calmly extracts the burning cigarette from his lips and tucks the filter end inside the thin cardboard matchbox. He squeezes the box gingerly, trapping the smoldering cigarette then kneels, placing the contraption on the floor at the edge of the pool of alcohol.

The man, in a dark blue sedan, driving down the street, becoming lost in morning rush-hour traffic as smoke and flames erupt from one of the second-story windows of a rundown roadside motel. Inside the car, the man glances from the road to a picture tucked in a crack in the dashboard; another sweet picture of the cute girl, beaming brightly for the camera.

Again, the man smiles.
I no longer regret that I have no quote, quip or anecdote to share with my countrymen... how about all y'all?
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Brendan_M_Burns
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Registered: ‎02-26-2007
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Re: crAZRick, Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

Good description and setting the scene. Extremely creepy. Somehow I suspect there's not going to be a *second* date...
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crAZRick
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Re: crAZRick, Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

ya, I went in a different direction than the norm...

still, generally within the realm of what was asked for in the instructions, although, I don't suppose my subject is necessarily 'highly attracted' to his 'date'... not in the usual way, at least. Or, maybe he is, to the other extreme?

this is why I was expecting more variety in the submissions; heck, if I can come up with something, I figure anyone can!

any way thanks for the feedback!
I no longer regret that I have no quote, quip or anecdote to share with my countrymen... how about all y'all?
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Brendan_M_Burns
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Re: crAZRick, Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

You did a really good job (especially given the length of your submission) of sticking to the visual description and keeping out of the character's head. That's *really* hard to do, even when it's been specifically directed.

I had to keep going back over mine to make sure it was all visual, with no recourse to my character's thoughts. Even so, I missed one bit of mind-play ("Tuesday's lunch?"), but upon reflection I found it funny and so left it in. If I were strictly playing by the rules, I'd have to change that to "He arched an eyebrow..." or something similar.
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Brendan_M_Burns
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Re: crAZRick, Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

[ Edited ]
What the hell is that emoticon doing up there? I don't do emoticons like Quakers don't do warfare. Guess I'll have to preview my posts more carefully, lest more of those creepy little suckers slip in.

I will admit, it's kind of funny that the little yellow guy seems to be arching an eyebrow... an on-topic emoticon.

Message Edited by Brendan_M_Burns on 03-12-200711:19 PM

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TrayseaWrites
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Registered: ‎02-26-2007
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Re: crAZRick, Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

I agree with Brendan...this does sound creepy. I enjoyed it!
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crAZRick
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Re: crAZRick, Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

thanks for the feedback Traysea.

I did the plotting basics exercise follow-up to this one, using this character, if you want to see the story I have wrapped around this creepy little dude.

it went pretty well. There's some meat there, I think.. probably needs tweaking, maybe some twisting here and there, but it was said in the instruction the basic plot might turn out somewhat lame, so can't blame me for that entirely, I suppose...

thanks for reviewing
I no longer regret that I have no quote, quip or anecdote to share with my countrymen... how about all y'all?
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Re: crAZRick, Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

your smiling maniac is visual.

ziki
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crAZRick
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Re: crAZRick, Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

great! :smileyhappy:
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NEM
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NEM
Posts: 16
Registered: ‎03-01-2007
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Re: crAZRick, Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

Definitely visual, but some inconsistency... It seems to be after a "date" and talks about a shroud on the bed -- unclear to me if it is his victim or his kit and/or trophies. Seemed to read like a splice between Psycho and a CSI or other crime profiler genre show. It wasn't clear to me if he was leaving his apartment or the apartment of his last "date". The torching makes sense if he is leaving his last date, but if that is the case why did he do the super shave after rather than before.

I think you are working a little too hard to make us think you are cracked. I am working on trying to be less wordy, I think you might want to try a little economy also.
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crAZRick
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Re: crAZRick, Visual Storytelling -- Writing Exercise

yes, in a fully-fleshed out scene and setting, it would be under a header of

INT. MOTEL ROOM- DAY
with a brief description of the seedy roadside motel and its rooms.



I took creative license and assumed that this description and intro to the motel came prior to this particular scene, in which case, a reminder of the exact setting would not be necessary. Also, the instructions said not to worry so much about screenplay format, just work on the description of the character preparing for a date with someone they are highly attracted to. So, that's what you have here; the pre-date ritual of a creep.

The torching is just a simple, perhaps sloppy, way of cleaning up after himself; after he has prepared for his date, but before he has followed-thru with his plans for the date.

The bed was described short and sweet:

With a heavy breath, and that devilish smile, he turns from the dresser, and steps to the bed.

The bed either hasn’t been slept in or has been remade to military-spec perfection. Atop the rather ratty green comforter-quilt rest an array of articles and artifacts:


the artifacts/'trophies' on the bed get scooped up in the ratty green comforter, while the top sheet, fitted sheet, pillowcase, matress pad, pillow, matress, box spring and bed frame make up what I refer to as:

the remaining unkempt bed sheets and pillow.


and get doused with vodka and torched along with the rest of the room.
All CSI will find is another torched motel-room after someone had a bender, maybe linked to someone in the sedan the Creep is seen driving from the lot, but which will be just as expertly dealt with elsewhere in the screenplay.

I think I didn't put enough time and effort into crafting this piece, rather than working too hard at it; apparently not enough words were used to paint the picture for you. I'm not quite clear how there can be inconsistencies resulting from not enough detail, but then how to 'try a little economy also'...

thanks for the feedback NEM!

definitely a work in progress here!

:smileyhappy:
I no longer regret that I have no quote, quip or anecdote to share with my countrymen... how about all y'all?
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