M. Marcy Jones's new book, Graceful Divorce Solutions is a practical, thoughtful, and necessary book, which obviously has a very specific target audience. For anyone going through the trauma of ending a marriage, this one's for you! I talked with Marcy about the book; my interview below:
Jill Dearman:Tell us about your background as a lawyer and when you first got the idea to write this book.
M. Marcy Jones: I got the idea to write Graceful Divorce Solutions about five years ago. I would think about a book every now and then, usually after seeing a divorce case spiral out of control when it didn’t need to. My thinking was that if people were better informed before they went to a lawyer, then they could play a more proactive role in their case and hopefully resolve it more on their terms rather than getting caught up in the system…. I call it the “legal vortex.” I was disgusted at the time and cost involved in a lot of divorces and was frustrated with the legal system in general.
I actually went to law school after my own divorce. I was 37 at the time and had two young children at home, so that, in itself, was quite a challenging experience. When I first got out of law school, I worked in private practice for a year or two, and then went to work as a prosecutor of domestic violence and sexual assault cases. I really enjoyed this work. I liked being in court and helping the victims of these crimes get back on their feet and get on with their lives.
I went from the Commonwealth Attorney’s office to an associate position with a local law firm, and then gradually into my own solo practice about four years ago. My practice is mostly family law—divorce, custody, support, and Guardian ad litem work, representing children in contested custody cases. I specialize in collaborative law and mediation.
About a year and half ago I started working with a coach to help me get a website up and to do some article writing. It was really out of that coaching relationship that the book got written. One day I said, “Someday I’m going to write a book,” and the next thing I knew I was sending chapters to her! She gave me some ideas for how to get myself organized, how to get the information organized, and helped with the first round of editing.
JD: What should people know about the concept of "collaborative divorce"?
MJ: Collaborative divorce is the newest form of conflict resolution. In my opinion, it’s the best thing since sliced bread! When people choose this process for their divorce, they sign an agreement that they will not go to court and that they will negotiate openly, honestly, and in good faith. What I like the most is that it sets people up for the best post-divorce relationships possible. And this is whether they have children or not. When you take the “going to court” piece out of the picture, it changes the whole dynamic of how people behave. When folks start from a place of thinking “settlement” rather than thinking “preparing for court,” it’s amazing.
In my experience, the reason most people find themselves divorcing is because of a breakdown in communication and trust between them. Through the collaborative process, they learn effective communication skills and can begin to re-establish some trust. This means their relationship after the divorce can be mutually respectful and even friendly.
JD: Your book is full of great concrete information and advice, but it also has a very nurturing tone. If I may...why is it that so many lawyers are so hard to communicate with?!
MJ: That’s a great question, and I’m not sure I have the answer, but I’ll throw out a few ideas. I think a lot of lawyers just don’t have very good people skills. They are likely very smart folks, but when it comes to understanding the emotional and psychological needs of their clients, especially during a divorce, many of them just don’t get it. So while they are able to handle the legal part of getting the client divorced, they are not very effective in helping the clients to reach deep resolution of their issues or concerns.
And then there is the way lawyers are trained. Although law schools are changing, most still spend a lot more time training students how to litigate rather than how to negotiate. I think of myself as a problem solver for my client. There’s a lot more to it than just getting the person divorced. It’s putting together all the pieces to help them achieve what they want, and that can be complicated. They want their share of the marital assets, they want custody of their children, they want to maintain a decent relationship with their spouse and to be able to co-parent their children, and they want a secure future. All of these goals are unlikely to be achieved through litigation, but they can all be achieved through a settlement process like mediation or collaboration.
There are also a lot of excellent lawyers out there who care deeply about their clients. Folks just need to do some research to find the best lawyer for them. It’s no different than deciding which doctor is best for them or which therapist to see.
JD: How did you take ALL the knowledge you have about this issue and distill it into a compact book?
MJ: To write Graceful Divorce Solutions, I went through very methodically exactly what I did when meeting with a new client. What information did I need from them? What information did they need from me in order to make good decisions? I put this information together in a readable, non-legalese, and non-intimidating way, a way that would help them see the role they can and need to play in their own divorce.
Often when clients come in for their first consultation, they are very nervous and fearful. Certainly this is an emotional time for them, but much of the fear is because of the unknown. Once we go through this information, pretty much like I’ve done in the book, they always feel better. I can see them actually breathe a bit easier and feel a bit lighter. I can see and feel their relief, because now they know what they need to know, what to expect, and what their choices are. It’s very rewarding for me.
JD: What was your favorite part about the writing process?
MJ: I love organizing information and writing as a way of expression, and I’ve always enjoyed doing that. Writing this book helped me to remember that love. My favorite part of the writing process was going away by myself in order to get into that space where I could really get a lot done in a short amount of time. I love solitude, quiet, and space… especially when it’s just me and my dog, Grace, on the Outer Banks of North Carolina!
For more information, go to http://www.gracefuldivorcesolutions.com.
And for more tips on organizing your prose on the page with minimal heartache, stop by the salon at http://www.bangthekeys.com and pick up my book, Bang the Keys
Until next week, I leave you with this question: which is harder to write, a love scene or a (romantic) fight scene?
