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Important Decisions Don't Do As Much as We Hope to Change Our Lives
The Lost Books of the Odyssey, a new novel by Zachary Mason, presents 44 alternative stories for Homer's Odyssey. It has been getting good press for its inventive form. From what I've read about the book, it plays with questions of alternative lives, or "What if": "What if a character had thought or done something different at an important crossroads?" What if Odysseus had married Helen, and not Penelope? Would we then have had the Trojan Wars? The novel offers playful variations on a story that's been known in one way for ages.
Alternative lives are energizing things. There's something light or empowering about guessing at what would have happened if I had gone the other way at that fork in the road? "What if I hadn't gone into the bar ten years ago? I never would have met my ex-husband, and my whole life would have been happier."
But I tend to be a skeptic about the power of singular events to shape our lives. That is: Maybe our personalities within culture are like weighted dice. If you roll a pair of weighted dice ten times, they land in a pattern. Sometimes they land differently (exciting), but random situations don't change a pattern driven by a real force.
Personality within its cultural context is probably like a weight that drives us to what we experience. If Ms. X hadn't met her ex-husband on one night ten years ago, she was still the type of person who was attracted to that type of guy and bar, and who would have walked into a somewhat similar situation during that part of her life. There are too many men in bars for that not to be true. She would also, of course, change with time. But she'd change more slowly than through luck or atypical decisions at some "fork in the road." She'd change through what was typical, or through developing and editing her tendencies (changing the weight of the dice. It takes time). To say it more simply: Her life would not have been "less complicated and happier" simply because she hadn't entered the bar; in contrast, it was her self which drove her to the bar.
I don't mean that unexpected events don't change us radically. But our love of "free will" has probably endowed the old "fork in the roads" with an allure that's out of proportion. We do so many things in the day that the fact is that unusual circumstances probably matter less than personality does. The thing we choose at one crossroads doesn't override our tendency to choose that sort of thing.
I wonder what you think of your past "forks in the road." Could it "all have ended differently"? Does chance seem to play a big role in your life, or are you bound to live and change in a (generally) fated way?
Ilana Simons is a therapist, literature professor, and author of A Life of One's Own: A Guide to Better Living through the Work and Wisdom of Virginia Woolf. Visit her website here.
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There's a review of The Lost Books of the Odyssey in this Sunday's NY Times Book Review. Click here to read it.
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One Decision did Change my Life........It is a matter of taking chances,of which I am in favor of.Leave a situation and move on.I did,was difficult.Gave up a portion of my life,and started a new one..Same name,person..I couldn't have moved anywhere else but Vermont,for me to start over and regroup..i knew that before I moved here it had all that I wanted,,,Culture..Skiing and a Wonderful Bookstore.,most important a very eclectic population that is only concerned that you accept them,and so they embrace you..Sounds like a fairy tale,,,Not at all.Life changing,yes,difficult ..I didn't pay too much attention to the difficulties,just became part of the Landscape.and embraced a new Adventure . Permanent This is now my home...Bennington College.a few classes..Great student Body,Staff....One Decision can change your life..One must give 110%.And then it all falls into place..I do wonder "What if"?.But I know my heart is here now.....
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Vermont,
Thanks for the description of the shift. I do think you managed to change your life. A change of environment can be key in changing our selves: choosing to live in totally new surroundings. That said, I do think that the change you made represented a larger internal growth (with its external proof: your clear decision), rather than some chance event that fell on you from the outside. I think I mean that "fate" is driven by the inside more than by a surprise event from the outside.
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How true Ilana..Fate has always been kind of foreign to me,but just in the past few years,I have been proven wrong..BTW Your Murakami journal is making the rounds once again on 'Before I Fall.".Author Lauren Oliver..I had asked peppermill to help me locate it,she did,how wonderful.Its posted in the "BIF" Comm.RM.He was brought up,and now they can read about your journey..'Laurens Book "is an exceptional Book on "Teenagers" Thats all I will say.I hope you have a chance to read a few pages,and not be able to put it down....Best Susan..
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Hi Susan,
Thanks a lot for showing me that link! I had forgotten about that Murakami post, but not about that summer. I'm scheming to go back to kyoto soon. It's gorgeous there. I'll check out Lauren Oliver.
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I've made too many mistakes, with the choices I've had, to look back and say, "what if?". I live with who I am, now. There is no more changing that pathway. We all have free will, but as you say, it's the roll of the dice. And you're the one who ultimately rolls that dice.
The Fork In The Road
A turn of the path, a bend in the river
I lift up my feet, and chance walking in snow
One foot, two feet, one following the other
Then wandering away, stubbing my toe
Rivers meander, taking unexpected twists
What halts my journey, am I crossing in the night?
Where do I step, on these rocks in the mist?
Where will they lead me, do I float or take flight?
Winds sweep me away, round stones, and every tree
Leaves of green, of russet, or red and gold
Rivers trapping my veins, then setting me free
Are we seeking bright rocks in streams of cold?
What will I learn along this pathway of dreams?
How long do I wade in this current, just to be me?
Am I looking for warmth, by rivers and streams?
Or am I lost in this tide, just to flow out to sea?
I wonder,
I wonder,
I wonder.
I wonder – What are my choices, when the tide takes me fast?
I wonder,
I wonder.
I wonder - Where am I now, lonely or lost by a fork in the road?
I wonder,
I wonder,
I wonder.
I wonder - Without light or guide, how long will it last?
No wonder,
No wonder, if dreams be lost, when darkness erodes
I will wait at the fork in the road, where chances are laid.
Or on the path by a stream, where new dreams are made.
Lay me down, lay me down, by a tree in the shade.
To rest, and renew, until another day is paved.
KS
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Ilana ..When you return to Kyoto,and I know you will..It will exciting to learn about all the changes..How you feel this time..Another Journal,or on your blog..Will catch up..Let us know.."Before I Fall" is complicated(GOOD),and Lauren is Brilliant..She really gets it.....I think you will understand,of course,after you read BIF...Best.. Susan
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