Virginia Woolf: Feeling Good through Competitive Comparisons

[#1]

Thanks for this reality check.  I looked out the window, this morning.... You're still the tiger.

[#2]

I have to say this article is an eye opener.

[#3]

I see what you're saying but I think we ought to evolve above competition and comparison. The co-worker has her path and you have yours. I think she checked with her inner being and realized she needed to move beyond where she was. Your path evidently is to stay where you are and continue to grow there.

I think to grow and really be happy and strong, and the only way to true security is: the relationship I have with me and you have with you.

I work as a Psy attendant at a State Hospital but as soon as I finish my educational goals I'm working my way out of there. I have considered it a real privilege to be working there and I have learned alot about human behavior and compassion so I'm not sorry my path has included this experience but I want to move on to studying sanity in my future.

I was lucky to recently take training as a WRAP facilitator at the hospital I work at. This is a program where you make your own notebook for strategies and coping mechanisms to deal with stress and health or what ever you want it to be. It is a Wellness Strategy. I made my own WRAP plan and recommend it for everyone.

It is a plan devised by Mary Ellen Copeland and its full name is 'Wellness Recovery Action Plan'. Our hospital is utilizing it with the patients and the Psy and Nursing Staff are very enthusiastic about it.

I think Virginia Woolf was a creative genius but I think some of her coping strategies didn't always help her to be happy and well adjusted.

KR

[#4]

In using the word, competition, it may sound a bit aggressive, and leave us to wonder about the non competitive personality.  Yes, I thought about this.  There are times when I've been very competitive, and there are times when I shy away from any or all situations that bring this my way.  Comparing the times, and outcome, brings a conclusion, for me.

It's as Ilana stated:  "We see qualities in others and define our own through a distancing, a popularization.  When someone drops out of a race, I have space to view myself as strong.  When someone is sick, I have reason to see myself as particularly healthy.  These are tiny sword fights, but they happen all the time.

This doesn't say that when we see strong people, it can't make us stronger, or if we view sick people, it can't make us feel their sickness, or pain.  It just means that it gives us a definition of how we CAN use these positions in ourselves, to help balance the inner scale, with the outside scale, to lead to a healthy personal life. 

Virginia was more than a creative genius, she saw the world like no other person I've known.  Even though coping wasn't always her forte,  she at least recognized it, and tried to change what she knew best in herself.  Everything she ever wrote about, deals with coping.  She knew her faults, and failures, as well as her strengths.  But, even though some of us recognize these in ourselves, we aren't always put in the best of circumstances to use what we know, without help.

Not everyone deals with these circumstances we come up against, in the same way, this we all know.  We do what's best, as we know it.  Today, I had to have tests run.  More testing.  I've never felt more down, and more vulnerable.  I stood at a desk, making an appointment that I had no idea what the outcome was going to be for me, in this next apt..  At this desk stood an elderly gentleman, and his wife.  He had to have tests, as well.  His wife asked the woman behind the desk to be kind to her husband, "He's ninety, you know."  Just before that moment, I was feeling about 90....the unknown ahead of me, but I felt stronger at that moment, hoping I would be as strong, and in that good of humor, at that age.  When I got up this morning, I wasn't feeling like a tiger, but it was nice to hear that you were, Ilana.   It doesn't mean we aren't tired, it just means we know our strengths, and our weaknesses.

Yes, we are always comparing ourselves with someone else, we should, for whatever the reason.  

[#5]

I think Virginia Woolf was a creative genius but I think some of her coping strategies didn't always help her to be happy and well adjusted.

Now that's an understatement.

[#6]

Virginia Wolf: "It's through favorable comparisons and the dream of total independence, Woolf writes, that "half the people on the pavement are striding to work."

kr-write: "I see what you're saying but I think we ought to evolve above competition and comparison."

I think I belong to the other half, the half that thinks we ought to evolve above competition and comparison. I am not a competitor, yet I am a doer. I do the best I can. Without comparing myself favorably with the one who is behind me, or striving to outdo the one in front. Whether I fail or succeed to reach my goal does not depend on the others along the way.

Here is an example. Recently three of us have taken on the caregiving responsibility for an aging relative. I am contributing the least amount of days per month, explaining from the beginning that I know how long I am able to be away from home without developing some kind of stress-related symptom. (The relative lives in her own house in another city, but is unable to take care of her household any longer.) The second person is giving more time than I am, being very brave, but admitting that it is hard on her. The third person - he had been spending the most time with the relative, recently told me that he will soon have to cut back drastically on his commitment, because he feels that his health is in jeopardy. He can't sleep and feels stressed out by the demands. The three of us have different ways of dealing with stress, but we know that we have to take care of ourselves before we can help somebody else. Comparison or competition would not solve our problem, maybe bringing in a fourth person will. The goal is to keep our relative comfortable, fed, entertained, safe. And we, each one of us separately, are responsible for providing the best care we can.

[#7]

I was thinking about what you said, Ilana....feeling alive with routine. 

Routine has purpose.  Sights aimed at goals. Destinations which have meaning.  I think about this more and more each day.

I'm supposed to have a routine of exercising my arm.  If I do these exercises at home, I should feel better about myself, both physically and mentally.  If I don't do them, I usually hedge when questioned.  Okay, I lie and say I've done them!  I hadn't seen the point of this routine, I saw no progress....I felt defeated and gave up..... until last week, when I was forced, with someone overseeing 45 minutes of me killing myself, doing those stupid exercises, right in front of everyone in the room!....I dealt with the pain, and the rest of the day I felt much better.  I accomplished something I didn't think I was capable of doing. Of course I was only there to help myself, no one else, but I found myself laughing at my own struggles, when others were there witnessing.  I see that as another way to compare, and accomplish, maybe not in the most competitive way, but it's there just the same.

[#8]

Well, Ilana,

I have my most productive thoughts early in the morning, and so, I woke today, feeling that my comment yesterday had sounded like bragging. It had sounded as if I had evolved into a self-contained, well-oiled machine of perfection. Ha! Far from it.

After staring into the early morning overcast sky for a while I came to the conclusion that it is my age that allows me to be more secure in my decisions and less disappointed in my failures, and therefore, in general, comfortable without comparing myself to others.

What Virginia Wolf saw  when she observed that "half the people on the pavement" walk confidently and self-assuredly because of "favorable comparison and the dream of total independence," was the younger crowd. The ones who are still in the process of collecting armory for the rest of their lives. They need comparisons to fuel self-awareness.

Yes, I see it now -after I've gotten up, drank a cup of coffee, and tried to look a little deeper - I've been there too. I've felt pride when I succeeded where somebody else failed. I've compared myself to my peers. I like what V.W. describes as "barely conscious comparisons" and think that they still must be floating around in my brain. Why else would I have used the specific example in my prior post? Am I subconsciously comparing myself to my co-caregivers?

Anyway, I do know that I feel much freer and much more independent than I have ever felt. I am happier as older person than I was when I was younger. But Ilana, I do want you to keep on striding; I think you are going in the right direction. And, thank you for your always insightful blogging.

[#9]

Gisela,

I think you nailed it.  It's what Virginia wrote about, awareness.  It didn't leave her, even into her older age.  It's what you do, Gisela, when you write, whether it be when you write about growing and caring for your flowers, or whether it's taking care of your imaginary friends or your family member; Or whether it's comparing characters in a book discussion.   You see what is there;  You see what needs to be done;  You know these strengths, and you know these weaknesses, you compare, you present them to us.  Whether it's conscious, or unconscious, you're doing it. 

Virginia just brought it to the surface in her life, by writing about it for the world to see....and in allowing us to hear her thoughts, where they fit, she allows us to apply...if needed.  We see, in her novels, how she uses her characters to process her thoughts, her life.  I compare these characters to herself.  I see it in her autobiographical writing. 

I've learned a lot from Ilana's insights into Virginia Woolf, using Virginia's writing to translate into her own life.....in turn, I've learned a lot from Virginia.  It's just the process of what we may or may not do unconsciously.  Ilana makes it conscious.  She makes it real.  The consciousness [reality] isn't always the easiest concept to see, let alone accept.

I've also learned a lot from you, G.  You have a very caring, creative and insightful mind.  I love to go inside of your mind, and hear what you have to say!  It's always music, to my ears.

K.

[#10]

Hi,

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments.

KR, it's nice to hear your voice.  I'm interested in the WRAP facilitation you wrote about.  It sounds like the hospital is attuned to the fact that both staff and patients need to engage in therapy or self-inspection with self-care.  I've been having the same experience in a DBT group I run.  The lessons I "teach" are certainly lessons I need to internalize.

Sunltcloud, please take back your taking-back.  I was actually thinking about your post this morning.  I was thinking that when Woolf wrote about polarizations, she wasn't just referring to competitive distancing.  She was talking about how a lot of self-definition comes through rhetorical polarization.  I think sometimes you and I do a bit of that dance: I polarize as the competitive-young-bounder, and you take the position as the less competitive woman who prefers solitude.  I know it’s true that you’ve come to a place I have yet to reach, but, as you mentioned, we both contain a grain of the other’s worldview.  Taking “sides” allows for a clear demarcation between life philosophies.  And so we can dance.

Kathy, thanks as always for your voice.  Did you make your way thru rehab today?  I hope.  I went for a run before the rain came.

Ilana

[#11]

Ilana,

I can't take back my taking back at this point. Maybe tomorrow. (Not really.)  After reading what you just wrote I know that you understand what I am trying to say. But if I had not added to my prior post I would not have been able to understand myself. And as far as I am concerned, demarcation lines are good - they define the dancers - but letting the "grain of the other's worldview" grow within oneself gives the dance its soul.

[#12]

Kathy,

I know that you have spent a considerable amount of time reading and studying Virginia Wolf and I have read Ilana's book about her and the life lessons we can take from her; I admire both of you for your patience and your deep understanding of her as woman and as writer. When I wrote my first post it was with my usual quick- fire rebellion against generalization, the generalization I sometimes perceive in Virginia Wolf's writing. "Half the people" do this and that feels like one of those modern statistics that are carelessly thrown into the daily news cycle. I should have known better. I should have been patient myself. Virginia Wolf is not about generalization; she is about the "curious notes in the margin of the private mind."

So, thank you Kathy, for being patient with me, and thank you for your vote of confidence. G.

[#13]

Yes, G,  My confidence in you never fails.

V. Woolf, is about those "curious notes in the margin of the private mind".   She literally sings to me with her notes.  She was private, and yet public.  She was shy, yet demonstrative.  She was competitive, yet not.....  She was talented, but denied herself what recognition could give her.  She lived in a marginal world of place.  A woman's place, separate from a man's world.  A place she fought against, daily, I think.  She comes across to me as a fighter.  Convention verses innovation.  Moments verses years.  Her struggles gave meaning to her self worth.   But, I think there came a time when she couldn't struggle one more " moment of being".  She saw her meaning, by giving us her philosophy about life. This is all conjecture and feelings on my part.  Anyone is welcome to argue this.

She was a contradiction, as I think we all are.  One minute we like what we say, or write, or who we are, and know it's what we mean, we have meaning...seriously no doubt about it, and then the next minute we question ourselves.

I do see this in myself, about half the time when I write on these boards.  I get emotional over the dumbest things.  I get passionate when no one else sees the passion I see.  I stand on soap boxes and expound my thoughts as if they came from God!  I feel contrite and angry with myself, when I see I've overstepped my boundaries on subjects, or with participants.  I'm not an authority on anything.  I don't have the education or knowledge I'd like to have about anything in particular.  I'm no longer specialized in anything.  I think I've reached an age of imbalance.  I don't think on an even plain any longer.  I see too much.  I feel too much.   Too much takes me off guard...I question too much.... I want too much, so much I can't have.  I feel like time is rushed.  The days are too short, and I sit, here, and ponder why.

After the ninety year old gentleman and his wife left the office, the woman at the desk looked at me, and I at her, and we both sighed.  She told me how active this couple was...the adventures and excursions that they had in their life.  I thought about you, Gisela, and you Ilana, how you both take life on.  You both challenge it, although, both in your own ways, but that's how I see you both. 

I do take on new things in my life, but they never seem to be challenges, unless you consider these stupid physical problems I've been having as challenges.  But, I guess they are.  I'm guessing I'm just feeling warn out and used up, these days.  That's why it's nice to get a boost up on this board.  At least my mind and fingers keep moving!  Okay, I feel sorry for myself...nuts!  Ha!  Time to move off my butt!  Finally!  The sun is coming out!  I hate it when it's a dark and gloomy day, no rain....it translates into what I say, I think!

Have a good weekend!

Kathy

[#14]

I'm feeling blabby this morning.  I got through 20 out of 30 reps...I gave up to the pain.  More, later. 

Last night I was watching a tv show, one of my favs, Bones.  I won't go into why it's one of my favs, for brevity.  One  of the main characters, her nickname is Bones, made a statement, which I thought rather profound. 

She and her partner, in solving crimes,  is a male FBI agent, were trying to find out who a dead body was.  They had no name, no real facial structure to recreate who that person was.  This person had multiple plastic surgeries, not just cosmetic, but bone reconstruction.  As the story goes along, different names that this person used, surfaced.  Different backgrounds for each name, started appearing.  Back to the question of who this person was.  Bones said to her partner, "it's as if she's on the world, instead of in it."

It seemed as if there are times when we live on this planet, but have no real identity, or at least that's what it seems to me, at times.  I thought about Virginia Woolf, and wondered if she was constantly trying to find that identity, to find a place for herself in the world.  I thought for sure she lived in the world, but the more I thought, I wondered if she actually lived on it, just enough to see what was there, then take herself someplace else, estranging herself, to find who she really was, and the purpose of her self. 

I said I thought she could see this person she was, the one she struggled with, in trying to find her identity.  I honestly have confused myself on this topic.  Does anyone really know who they are?  I know a lot of people say they do, and look sideways at those that are still floundering, like myself, at times.  I'm not without an identity, I know that, but which identity do I want you to see?  Is it safe to say all of these are who I am?  Who are you?  I know this topic has come up, before.  But for some reason it's important to me now.  The more I think about it, the more I think it has to be about making a difference in the world.  Being a part of it's dynamics, not sitting back and watching it float by, and wondering why bits and pieces of it are carrying us away.  Sometimes I wonder where my head goes!

[#15]

Enjoy!  Click on "LISTEN TO THIS ITEM"

A discussion of:

A Room Of One's Own

The 80th anniversary of Virginia Woolf’s celebrated feminist essay

“A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction". 80 years ago this month Virginia Woolf published these words in an essay that was to become one of the seminal feminist texts of our age.  A Room of One’s Own has shaped the way in which creative achievement by men and women is viewed, and provided a point of reference for generations of female writers. Woolf uses the ‘room’ as a symbol for privacy, leisure time, and financial independence, all of which have been historically lacking for women. To mark the anniversary, a special programme looks at this remarkable essay and its continuing relevance to women today who are struggling to find the mental and physical space for their creativity. Jenni talks to Hermione Lee, author of an acclaimed biography of Virginia Woolf; the academic and author Susan Sellers; and the novelists Val McDermid and Jill Dawson. We also visit a room that Virginia Woolf called her own - a specially constructed writing lodge at the bottom of her garden at Monk’s House in Sussex.

Hermione Lee
Susan Sellers
Val McDermid
Jill Dawson
Monk’s House
Virginia Woolf Society
‘Rooms of Our Own: the Female Academy from Margaret Cavendish to Lucy Cavendish College’

[#16]

The subject of competitive comparisons:

One more comment, before I let this topic go.  The struggle I'm having, at this time, is recognizing who I am.  By this I mean, what gives me meaning?  Everything I do is wrapped around the artist's world.  It's what I've always been. 

Being a potter always seemed the answer, as an artist.   I've worked in a lot of different mediums, but that's always been my biggest love.  Now, my biggest dilemma right now is, I can't throw pots any longer, because of a shoulder problem.  It's frozen.  I may or may not get the full use of it back.  I don't know.   If I can no longer use it, where does that leave me as a potter?  It's saddened me to no end.  I've lost my creative thought in making my visual art, because of this.

I've thought deeply about this, and I've tried to work through it this week.  I've always been my worst enemy, and best friend....but my worst enemy is the one I'm always in competition with.  If that makes sense.  If we view ourselves as strong, then that's who we are.  If we view ourselves as weak in some way, that's the other alternative, feeling weakness that leads to a negative point of view.  The negative starts fighting with the positive.  I have to start finding alternatives....so I write about it.

I think we all struggle, to a certain degree, and are in competition with this reality, whether we like it or not. Do we want to admit to this struggle?  I have to.  I have to admit to changing this identity of mine.  I may still be a potter, but not the same one I used to be.  Creativity will come back to me, I know this now, it just won't be in the same form.   Sadness always obscures the creative process, for me....  Now, I know  I'll still be an artist...and that's how I have to view myself.  The competition ends, today.

Kathy