Unabashedly Bookish

[#1]

I would have thought that a late stage cancer diagnosis would have shoved me straight into adulthood. But it actually had the opposite effect—my parents came out of retirement, so to speak, and coddled me in a way that would have never happened under any other circumstances. They read to me in bed, tip toed around while I took naps, they gave me little treats for no reason. And for months, during chemo and around surgery, I didn't do laundry or run errands or stand at the sink every night washing the pots and pans from dinner. So this grave disease sent me back into my childhood one more time. It felt surprisingly natural to revert to those primary relationships -- mother and child, father and daughter.

I remember thinking while I it was happening that for my mother, who had these three very independent kids all over the country, that it must be nice to be so needed again, so essential and irreplaceable. I can imagine, decades from now, wanting so much to give my kids something they really need. I don't much like the idea of being "made redundant" as a parent. Even though I know it's impossible, I want to be useful to my kids forever.




Editor's Note: For more of Kelly's story, read her book The Middle Place. Kelly will be back this Friday to answer questions.

Message Edited by Jon_B on 04-29-2009 12:15 PM

[#2]

A truly touching story. The one strange part of life is how it often is that dire circumstance that opens our eyes to what is right there in front of us.  Being a parent isn't easy and I always thought I'd be better at it than my own.  It wasn't until I was one and went through a very difficult time in my mother was there with open arms that I realized how special she was.  It was also at that time that I realized how little credit I had given her over the years.  12 years later with children that are now teenagers (and we all know how that goes), for the first time in my life I find myself always thinking first "What would my Mom do?"  And I am grateful that right now when I can not figure that out I can still call and ask her. 

[#3]

It must have been luxurious in a way to be coddled and cared for like that when you were so ill.  Has that experience changed anything about how you parent your girls now?  Or how you think about parenting, beyond being useful forever?

[#4]

Kelly!  I very much enjoyed your book.  I found myself envious of your relationship with your parents, as mine is extremely weak and at most times, non-existent.  I strive each day not to repeat the mistakes my parents made, all the while taking the good from my childhood and passing it on to my own kids. 

It's a strange balance, as you write so eloquently about - this position we are in with young children of our own and in need of support at the same time.  I'm still looking for the right way to handle such situations.  Your writing has helped me immensely.

[#5]

Hi Kelly, Your memoir really made me feel connected with you, not only as the author of the book, but as a person. Your story struck a chord with me and I want you to know that I admire your courage in sharing it with such a wide audience. After I read your post, I started wondering how your family felt about being a part of the story, and how your parents especially dealt with seeing their relationship with you in print? I can imagine they are VERY proud of you, but has it affected them in ways you couldn't have foreseen?

Thanks so much for continuing to write on your blog!

[#6]

Hello Everyone,

I am a breast cancer survivor of 5 years out and enjoyed your book very much. I do not have my parents anymore but have 4 siblings and my significant other. While my diagnosis was severe, I managed through the chemo and radiation fine as I went into it as a very healthy woman.

I laughed outloud at the vignette when you were ready to show the world your new "look" and the little boy called you a monster. You referred to your husband who took your side against a 3 year old as a hero - I couldn't agree more. The folks who surround you with love, whether they are your parents or not, can return you to that place of someone else being in charge and allowing you the luxury of dependence. It's not a place adult women often find themselves but it is a marvel to experience again.

I am curious about your talks and this blog after the book as it focuses on women and how women relate and support each other. Your book has such a focus on your dad. If you could talk about that juxtaposition that would be interesting to hear about. Thanks,

[#7]

The luxury of dependence.  This is a lovely phrase and goes to heart of the book.  The real question is whether this state (leaning on someone entirely, if briefly) is possible with people other than your parents.  I suspect that it is, though I also suspect that it is rare since the contract of parenthood implies that it's your job to care for these people.  You made them, after all.  Anyone else is optional.

Kelly

[#8]

The juxtaposition of my father's role in the book and my strong belief in women.  This is very interesting to me. I think my father makes me feel like a child, in the best possible way, where my mother, and my women friends (my pigeons), make me feel like an adult.  So in a way, my mother gives me confidence in my own competence where my father makes me long to curl up and be coddled.

Kelly