Unabashedly Bookish

[#1]

I get on the bus home from work at the psychiatric hospital around 4:30, when most of my coworkers also get on.  I usually hold a text, which feels almost religious, or barbarous, like a shield in my palms.  I'll read The New Yorker, nonfiction (recently: Philip Roth's account of his dying dad), or fiction (recently, short stories).  Last week, the head psychiatrist, sitting beside me, caught my eye as I looked up.  She said I often hide in my books on the bus ride home.  "Why?" she asked.  I felt put on the spot.

There's a patient on our ward who wears ties and paces the halls all day with ear phones on.  The other people on the ward don't have families who send them such nice clothes.  "I order from Macy's and Bergdorf's," he'll say.  He'll reposition his earphones and pace.  He also reads voraciously: lately, Jane Austen, Pascal's Pensees, and Schopenhauer's The World as Will and Representation.  He asked me if I knew Pascal.  "Yes!," I told him, a bit too fast.  "Pensees means 'ideas,' you know."  He stared at me skeptically.  I felt as if I had to look the word up later online, and I realized that he was right.  I had wrongly defined the word, which means "thoughts."  There is a difference. 

There's another guy on the ward who gathered the staff to speak with them last week--the psychiatrist, social worker, nurse, and me, the psychologist-in-training.  He had read his treatment review and objected to the place where we wrote that he was acting "non-social" on the weekends.  He saw that we'd recorded that he often spends weekends in the Quiet Room, which is the room sectioned off for patients who need down time, who have problems dealing with people.  He said we don't understand him at all.  He reads The New York Times and People magazine in the Quiet Room, which are each social behaviors in their way.

He actually used to be a professional chess player.  He was a father, too.  I bet a conversation on a chess board is a lot like a conversation in a book.  It's driven by a higher structure than everyday life is, which can make it sweeter than life.  It's isolating and it's totalizing.  I mean it can give one person a full grasp of things.  But as his chart and my own boss on the bus indicted, reading also cuts people off from parts of life.  After all, holding a book is a sign of attachment that also says, "Don't talk to me now.  I'm busy."

[#2]

I have a serious dislike of being bothered while I'm reading and I read on the bus all the time.  In my neck of the woods at least, some people really want to interrupt my reading it seems; on a crowded bus full of people doing pretty much nothing someone will interrupt me to ask a really mundane question, like if this bus goes to the mall (probably should ask that before one gets on, but I digress), when three people standing next to me weren't doing anything more important that hanging onto the railing and staring out the window.

I even get irritated when someone interrupts me to ask if I like the book I'm reading; it's a pretty irrational thing to be bothered by but when I'm reading that's my "me" time and I have precious little "me" time with my schedule of 60+hour workweek, moderating, and district counselor-ing. 

Your post also reminded me of a line from Pride and Prejudice, when Lizzie is visiting Netherfield to care for Jane.  Mr. Hurst tries to get Lizzie to join a card game and she declines causing Mr. Hurst to remark "You prefer reading to cards?  Singular." Reading is a singular activity; it's hard to make reading a group activity beyond reading a book or play out loud.

[#3]

Thanks for the great response, Melissa.  I like the multiple meanings behind that word "singular"--like strange and solitary.

[#4]

Well hmm, perhaps it's a NY thing about public reading being singular but... always taught that reading a book in public INVITED conversation.

One of the best pieces of advice I got for going off to collage. -Strange place, don't know that many people, get a book find a spot in the quad sit down and read. You'll meet people kid, guaranteed.-

All reading book in public does is steer the conversation originally to the subject within the readers hands.

[#5]

How lucky I feel to be able to "hide" behind books. If that is aberrant behaviour, so be it. I am on a rotation schedule along with other family members, taking care of my 97-year old mother-in-law. I don't like to drive to her house, and so I take four buses to get there.  This would be four hours of insanity, complete with walking, waiting, sitting next to people with addictions, people who talk to themselves in foul language, people who stare into the lettuce fields for long periods of time, people who want to tell their life stories, people who want money, cell phone screamers, text gigglers, hot dog with onion eaters, old ladies with big worries, young men who impatiently wait for a bus stop to smoke by the door. I engage in three activities that not only relax me but also are indicators of my willingness to interact. I knit teddy bears when I don't mind being approached. I work on my netbook (one of the buses has wifi) which is at times inviting at other times intimidating for others, depending on their interests, and it leaves conversation up to chance. I read when I don't want to talk to anybody.

And I don't apologize for my behaviour. Being a caregiver can be stressful; it takes quiet time to switch from one set of circumstances to another. Staying with Mother four days at a time shifts my personal life into the distance while being at home puts concerns of caregiving on the back burner. I use bus time as transitional time. Yes, I am selfish. On the other hand I just read a book " Share the Care" which advocates the kind of selfishness that keeps us going. We can't be all things to all people. I ration my bus people connections.

[#6]

So glad to hear your voice again, Sunltcloud.

Buses!  They're museums, aren't they?

I again envy your ability to make the drugery of travel into a zen koan.

[#7]

One thing I forgot to mention - some of us are more solitary than others. I've always dreaded the idea that somebody might one day tell me that I "should participate more." That is one of the reasons I am helping to take care of Mother in her own house. She can't see much but she still sits at her machine and reads the paper every morning. She waters the flowers. She likes to observe the blue jay - crow - sparrow pecking order on the deck by her study. She writes letters. Sends news clippings. She listens to the news on her radio half the night. She told me once that she would absolutely hate the commotion in a nursing home where "activities" play such an important role. She likes being by herself. She doesn't mind being in the company of one like-minded person at a time. She would not want to do wheelchair exercises in the lounge with fifteen others. I understand. I'd rather read than join in a group discussion about the increase in fares or change of schedule on the bus.

[#8]

I see no problem with cutting people off who have no meaning to me, by holding a book to my face.  Of course, I'd be polite.  But how much do we owe a stranger?  It's up to each of us to decide.  I don't make a habit of talking to people I don't know, it's not exactly a social engagement on a bus ride, is it?  If they have no way to entertain themselves, is it my responsibility to do it?  If someone tells me I'm hiding, then that's their problem, not mine.  Do I feel obligated to share what I feel, in a public setting?  No.  But I will here.

Yes, I agree, it is a way of hiding, but maybe it's a way of hiding not just from those people who have needed your attention all day, but a way of finding that solitude that only a story, or reading material can give you.  No one to argue with you.  No one to contradict what you're feeling or thinking.  No one you feel you have to share parts of yourself with.  Down time, quiet time.  Places that give you that wonderful silence.  It's another way of getting rid of all that nonsense that other people jam in your head during the day.  It's a place to regenerate.

I always took books with me to work.  No matter where I worked.  In places that had a brake room, where a dozen people are sitting around yakking..I tune them out.  Trivial, daily debates over work related crap, nothing really important.  It's like bells clamoring in my already noisy head.  Or I'd go sit in my car...eat, read, and nap...three of my favorite things to do! 

[#9]

Ilana, to me my "board and blog response voice" resembles a checkerboard of absence/presence, dictated by internet connections, time, and energy. Right now I am following the "nook wars," mostly in silence, lurking behind the scene, reading on my kindle, but also eying the nook. Since I frequent the Barnes & Noble coffee shop in my neighborhood I am eager to explore the virtual environment in the brick and mortar store as it evolves after November 30; and since having two eReaders won't stop me from buying dead tree books I should probably go to work there as pumpkin latté dispenser.

[#10]

My reading is mostly for the solitude it brings me. When I open that book, I'm in the book's world.  I read for escapism and always have.  I used to take books to work with me and read on my lunch break or when I needed some new reading material, I'd scour the Walgreen's that was across the street from my job.  I would read everyday.  It would just relax me and the rest of the day was better.  When I changed jobs, I found my lunch reading interrupted by people who could care less about my reading, but just wanted to know what the book was about just to criticize.  This was absolutely appalling to me, so I stopped going to the cafeteria..  I started reading in my car, but along came others with their opinions on that.  

SunItcloud, I was a caregiver to my Mom and then my Grandmother.  I know where you're coming from.  When you have that precious free time, you use it to your advantage.  It relieves stress tremendously.  If it's only 30 minutes, the relaxation of your body and spirit is wonderful!  For me it was after everyone was asleep.  Most times I'd fall asleep with the book in my hands.  I'd find it on the floor in the morning, but reading those few pages would just loosen me up and ease me into dreamland. 

I eventually stopped reading at work entirely.  Of course, I was younger when I did all of my reading at work.  Now that I'm older, I don't give a fig what anyone thinks of me reading. I was always polite in handling their objections and I still am.  The only difference now is that I can handle the rejection better.  Older in this case is better and wiser!  

[#11]

Sunltcloud, I'm dreaming of the pumpkin latte now.  Isn't it funny that working in a coffeeshop can become a fantasy so easily?  I get that often: I wanna be a barrista. I'm sure that job is stressful, but for some reason it transmits "ease."

1lovealways and Kathy, thanks for the images of great escapism.  You both read in your car.  I used to too.  I like that metal bubble of self-direction.

[#12]

Ilana -- find a good, slim book or magazine to hand your boss next time!  Or, just turn and sweetly say, oh, have you had a chance to read this yet?

Yes, books and reading can isolate from life.  But, they can also connect -- to both the living and those who have passed before us.  I sometimes think of them as conversations in which we control who talks back at us.

Like Tigger, in my single days as a young person, I was not beyond using a book as a magnet.  It doesn't seem to work in this part of the country or at my age.

Pepper

[#13]

I have always fantasized with the jobs of barista and librarian -my two favorite things: coffee and books! Going back to the reading-on-the-bus topic, I also love to read on the bus and in my car -while I am not driving, of course. I do it to tune off people's conversations in places and other things of no importance to me, but I would very happy to welcome a conversation about the book I am reading -or any book for that matter. Would you mind being interrupted by somebody who has already read the book you are holding (or is reading it)?

[#14]

1lovealways,

Oh yes, with age comes this wonderful acceptance of rejection. This opportunity to give whatever I want to give and not being terribly impressed with studies and books and people who tell me what and who I am.

And Kathy, a place to regenerate -  I agree.

[#15]

I am currently working on my Master's in Clinical Psychology. I tend to read a lot and I must confess that I carry a book with me every where I go. In the past 3 weeks I have read approximately 12 books. Yes! Reading on the bus is my all time favorite because as "Kathys" stated "how much do we really owe to a stranger?". I also dislike when people try to psychoanalyize me it is really one of my pet peeves. You are a psychologist in training and if you want to read on your free time then go for it. I do not really think that reading is a way to hide from others but just a way to escape from everyday worry and stress. I read all the time whether being a text book or just a past time book. If they call that hiding then so be it but I do say that reading is a luxury one can not take for granted. We have the freedom to read whatever we desire when in other places it is considered a crime to read certain books. I love to read it keeps me calm and I am able to relaxed and regenerate. I have very little time for myself with the crazy schedule of school, work,family, friends and the list goes on. I take advantage of any little second that I can to read.

[#16]

What a nice group of thoughts on this topic!

Part of what I was thinking about, which I didn't mention, is being on the other side of that book that someone is holding in their hands.  Yes, I've been the talker, but it's been in asking about the book that someone is reading.  If I've read it, and see that they are well into it, I might ask them their thoughts concerning this book.  I leave it up to them to keep this conversation going.  I have intruded into their space, and I wouldn't want to stay there, if I see that their eyes are more interested in returning to this book.  I enjoy talking about a book I'm reading, and it doesn't really bother me if people ask me about it.

I would be interested, Ilana [or anyone] in knowing what your response would be to the psychiatrist's question.  Being put on the spot!  I know the feeling.  But, I have the feeling that this psychiatrist knew that an introspective answer would result in this conversation.

In my personal life, I once knew someone who did hid behind books, as well as a lot of other things, material and psychological. At times these became walls.  I was asked to form, and give, my versions of this relationship, only to better understand myself in these situations.  I see some of these types of separations as walls, and a means of maintaining control over what seems an uncomfortable place.  I admit to using these methods of hiding, at times, myself.  But I've learned how to voice my uncomfortableness, now, where before I couldn't.  And the older I get, as Gisela says...the more you realize how to manage this separation.

[#17]

I find that hiding behind a book is not really hiding. It's liberating. There is nothing quite like sitting in a chair, or bundled on a bench outside, and curled up with words that transport you to another world, or universe entirely. There are many a times when I feel extremely angry at people who want to come interrupt me. I find it to be rude.

But then again, it depends on how they approach. If they ask about my book, I am more inclined to pause and relay the plot to them, but then return to the book immediately thereafter. It's the people who sit down loudly and speak obnoxiously about nothing who drive me absolutely insane.

Forever-Intellectual, I am deeply jealous of you reading that many books. College has really made me cut back on my reading time. It makes me quite sad.

[#18]

Johanna, I'd never mind being interrupted by someone who had read the book I'm reading or is reading it too.  I love discussing books I've read.  It gives me a new perspective from their point of view.  I've even had people tell me the ending of a book or movie and it has never bothered me.  I guess this is because I have my own point of view when I read or see it and they're telling me from theirs. 

[#19]

Another 3a.m. pensive awakening defining "ideas" and "thoughts". Does one come before the other?  Who ponders these things?   Why is this making me, again, think of the process of creative thought?  Aaagghhh!

These little tidbits that words offer us.  The little sparks of ideas, which throw us into a maelstrom of thought?  The pictures running rampant through the mind! 

I picture these thoughts being carried in hand, out to sea.  Tossed into the churning surf.  Out they go, tumbling around, upside-down.  In, then out, then in, then out, caught in the foam of each wave; sailing back towards the shore, floating atop the bubbles that rise to the top of the end of the waves; settling down, and down, onto the shore.  Gently sitting, waiting.  Taken again, by hand, brought to the waiting fire that is built to surround what is left of those thoughts captured within each of those bubbles.  The fire rages around those thoughts, licking and burning and poping and melting, until they are sent straight up into the air in smoke.  Smoke swirls them around, pulling them higher and higher - refined by heat, becoming the purest of thought, sailing into the sky, touching clouds that pass by; caught and cooled, they come down to earth, upon a mountain top;  gently, solidly, becoming one, they stop.  Thought has adhered to form, idea, becomming one.  Weight melds in place.

And speaking of chess.  :-)  As kids, my brother and I used to play it all the time.  It's a quiet game of thought.  It's interacting, but in a solitary way.  Yes, as in reading a book, listening to the characters talking, only with chess, you are the narrator.

Happy Reading!

K.

[#20]

Sometimes I like to read on my lunch break at work, sometimes I will be social. I don't mind if a book person asks me about what I'm reading and then a book discussion takes place. I do mind if someone asks me what I'm reading for the sake of conversation, because they can't be alone with their own thoughts.

I take a book with me everywhere. Now that I have a Kindle, I take that. I have found and you soon-to-be Nookers will find, that an ereader invites more conversation than a paperbook. "What is that, how does it work, do you like it, do you have internet?" over and over again.

[#21]

Deb, what does the 'e' stand for in ereader? 

[#22]

Another thought for a conversation with your boss, Ilana -- a print-out of all the sayings of those of us who have posted our thoughts on being reading or book addicts! 

I have friends who scarcely read at all.  I can look at their lives and see very different things occupying their time than all the reading that takes mine.  Sometimes I am jealous of them, but I also know those are not lives I could lead, either.

Now, maybe some different mixes and balances....

Pepper

[#23]

a print-out of all the sayings of those of us who have posted our thoughts on being reading or book addicts! 

I'm referring to the thread in the Community Room.

[#24]

Kathy- the "e" stands for electronic

[#25]

Peppermill:

I completely understand you regarding friends who hardly read but do not seem to have the time to read. I can not see myself as the type of people who does not read at all. I am a very busy women but I MAKE time to be able to read. Reading to me is like oxygen hehehe I just can not help it if I do not read once a day I feel like I am missing something. So I try to make time even if it is just for 15 minutes at least I get to read a little bit. Reading=Knowledge=Opportunities=Success this is how I see it.

[#26]

I can't get these thoughts out of my head -  Ilana, you said "Buses!  They're Museums, aren't they?"  and reference to reading in a car, that  " metal bubble of self-direction."

What interesting comparisons.  I think of school buses full of children, laughing, arguing, talking, talking talking...it never stops until they get off the bus.  The exuberance of children!  The unguarded child's emotions running rampant! 

Then you sit on a bus, the bus that holds all of these adults.  Holding in those emotions.  The quiet you see on these faces.  The guarded eyes, only an occasional smile, or whisper to their neighbor.   These people sitting side by side, but saying little to nothing. 

My granddaughter came over to spend the night this weekend, and she brought the movie, Night at the Museum.  I've seen it several times, and I love it each time.  These busses reminded me of that movie.  During the day, these displays, replicas of history, remained silent, and we observe them, wonder and talk about them in our minds.... but during the night, they became alive...running around laughing, fighting, interacting, like the children we once were, but now sit quietly during the day, on this bus, allowing this bus to take us to our destinations.   A lot of history is stored on faces, and only body language to tell these stories.

The "metal bubble" as we sit in our own car, of "self-direction".  We are [now] in control over who we are, aren't we?