09-05-2009 01:54 PM
“Don’t look now, but a wickedly sexy male is checking you out.” Sam said gleefully.
Ann made a move to look and was quickly restrained, “I said don’t look!” Sam scolded giving a quick tug to Ann’s sable brown hair.
The two sitting at the bar could not have been more different. The one he’d identified as Ann Troy sat drinking what looked like club soda her golden hair was layered in a way that artfully revealed her striking features, without the goop and spray some woman employed to manage their locks. She had a natural beauty that he noticed did not go unnoticed by other men in the club as she sat there oblivious.
However, there were more looks directed at the other woman. She appeared to be slightly younger. She had a short edgy haircut that went with the rest of her look; a hot pink top that sparkled under the clubs lights and a band aid masquerading as a skirt. He would bet his vintage red boxer that the woman’s name was Sam. Sam, an altogether unfeminine name for someone who exuded such raw female sexuality.
“This is ridiculous, you get to goggle.”
“I could stand up and flash him and he would get annoyed at me for blocking his view of you.”
“Yea, right after he swallowed his tongue and passed out. Your bare chest is enough to fell a man.”
“Maim sure but mortally wound? Never.”
“That’s not what Liz said happened at spring break 04.’”
“The man had to be 90. Is it my fault he caught a glance and his heart gave out? Went out with a smile I say.” Sam winked.
“I will never understand you.” Ann said shaking her head.
“Nor I you.” Sam said tapping her happy cosmo against Ann’s club soda.
“Excuse me” came the soft Scottish brogue of a man at Ann’s side. Ann shifted without looking up allowing him access to the bar, but he just stood there. After shooting a quick glance at Sam whose blue eyes had grown huge she looked up at the man beside her. And boy did she have to look up! The gorgeous man beside her was at least 6’3. His dark hair was long giving him a roguish look that was unable to undercut the intensity and power in his dark eyes. Yum.
“I am Derek Patterson.” He said in that wonderful accent of his as he offered his hand. She accepted it, struck numb for a moment that this Scottish god…Druid was talking to her. Their eyes met and locked each transfixed on the other.
“Hi I’m Sam” Sam said breaking the silence. “This is my sister Ann.” Sam continued when they did not look at her.
“Hello Ann” he murmured bringing the hand he still held to his lips.
Sam gasped. The girl who had saw and done everything was completely staggered to witness such a romantic and seemingly innocent gesture.
“Hi Derek,” Ann responded when her mouth regained function.
“Well, I’ll just leave you two alone,” Sam said grabbing her purse and drowning the last of her cosmo. When neither responded she continued “I’ll just catch the subway, it really shouldn’t be that bad and the Broadway Slasher hasn’t made a kill in days.”
At that Ann snapped out of her trance and starred at Sam who she was surprised to see now standing with her lime bag over her shoulder ready to leave.
“Broadway Slasher?” Ann asked bewildered.
“You know the piece that Liz did last week for the Onion? The serial killer that lurks in the shadows and attacks his victims with a knife then strews the remains down Broadway. An end I have no desire to meet but it looks like I only have enough money for subway tokens.”
Derek surprised them both by reaching into his coat to retrieve his wallet and handed Sam cab fair.
“Thanks.” Sam said snapping the money up and making a bee line for a man that had piercing adorning both ears and eyebrow. There was no accounting for taste Ann mused.
“You know she is going to waste that money in this bar and the next two and come home via subway.” Ann said watching as she dragged Pin Cushion out onto the street.
“It was money well paid if I get you to myself.” David said taking Sam’s recently vacated stool.
“I’ll reimburse you.” Ann said digging through her serviceable purse to find her wallet.
“Don’t trouble yourself.” He said easily asking for a brew from the bartender.
Ann was nervous. She felt strangely abandoned by Sam. Sam was always a buffer the class clown or slut whatever the case need be to draw attention away from her. Sam would know how to act and what to say when a hunk of a man sat next to her.
“You’ve got Scottish in you” he said conversationally when their eyes locked again.
He nodded. “Scottish blood runs through you.” It was a statement not an idle comment. “The blood runs full through you and not a drop in your sisters.”
His comment made her cheeks warm for a myriad of reasons. He was not the first to identify her features as Scottish. Her bright green eyes were said to be a dead giveaway. His comment about Sam unnerved her a bit. There was no family resemblance between her and Sam or any of her siblings for that matter. Did he want Sam? Was he using her to get close to Sam?
“Sam and I are not sisters of blood but of spirit. We grew up together in foster care.” Ann said taking a sip of club soda wishing she had ordered something with more of a punch.
09-06-2009 08:15 PM
Wow, this was really good and I mean insanely good. The only problem I had a problem was with the "the one he'd identified as Ann Troy...oblivous." It confused me. I didn't know who the he was and it made me think Sam was a male until I read further on. I just had to read over that spot a couple times. Also when Derek first speaks it sounds unnatural for this time period. Instead, I think he should say something like "Hey, I'm Derek and you are?" Just the use of hey, a greeting, contraction, and dropping the last name makes it seem more modern, but do whatever you want.
09-07-2009 12:26 PM
I agree with your coments. Sam, is a bit confusing name for Ann's sister. I will rewrite it so that it is more obvious she is female at the very beginning. None of the names (except for maybe Derek are set in stone).
I am trying to make Derek otherwordly. Not tht this is at all paranormal. Just that he comes from a different place (Ireland). Which I know realize would have a marked differene in the way he approaches Ann.
09-07-2009 05:34 PM
i really, really love it!!!! its so well written ,well except that i also got confused with Sam, but other than that its awsome. but personally, im not really feeling te name Ann Troy for some reason, i think since shes scottish, you should base her name in a simple but unique scottish name.
iand im also dying to knoe the background of derek. his last statement left me wondering if he's a vampire? if he is, that would make him hotter than he already appears to be. and since i am Team Taylor/Jacob/Werewolf , if derek were to be a supernatural creature of the night, i would definately make him a werewolf.
but it is your story so um yea, its incredibly either way. continue your story, cant wait to read the rest,
and ill be looking you up to see any more posts on this story. DONT STOP!!!!!!!!
09-07-2009 08:23 PM
I've been meaning to comment on this for a while now (it's all your fault, mother), but I keep getting interrupted before I can post! Anyway, I agree with Bs with the whole Sam thing...and I personally found the description of your main protagonist confusing. You first described her to have have sable brown hair, but suddenly it "transformed" into that of spun gold! I don't get it. I'm assuming this is an error in the passage???
I also don't understand the connection between the guy and the story, though I'm sure this will come into play. But I do think it's a little cliche nowadays to have a dashing young man that falls for the female protagonist...it's become annoyingly common in YA literature, to the point that I can hardly bear to pick up a book that even SOUNDS like it could be related to "Evermore" or "Twilight". Don't get me wrong - a nice, heated romance is something I as most others enjoy, but it seems that most lovers in writing come of late wear the same faces. Try making this love stand out between the two, if that's what you're going for :-)
All in all, I'm excited to see how this turns out. Good luck writing!
-Pretty Handsome Awkward, The Used
09-07-2009 09:51 PM
Sorry no_bs this will not be turning into a Vampire romance. I like fantasy and might write something like that in the future. Derek is a man with his own agenda. His motives for getting close to Ann (Hate that name now) is what is going to be the one of the hardships for their relationship.
Thanks for the encouragement to keep writing!
09-07-2009 10:00 PM
Thanks for seeing that discrepancy with the hair. I will fix that.
Don't worry. I am not going for the love at first sight twilight thing. Derek has motives for acting love struck. Love will come for this couple but gradually and with pleanty of pit falls.
09-11-2009 04:24 PM
What a lovely, sexy start to an intriguing story! (I must be jaded, but I was thinking Derek or David must be the Broadway Slasher...?)
Twilight had some good points, about making this different from most paranormal romances.
It's a rough draft, but you've got some momentum and mystery going, actually with both guys. Since Derek and his brogue leave with Sam, and David "tells" (doesn't ask) Ann that she's Scottish. Are Derek and David in cohoots? Or are all the Scottish references just coincidence? (Most Creative Writing teachers insist that there are no coincidences in most fiction. Yet, in mystery-writing, there is such a thing as a "red herring", or a deliberate tangent to mislead the audience, that dies with no payoff.)
Good luck! I look forward to reading more excerpts.