04-15-2008 09:29 PM
Mary looked out the window and sighed. Once again it was raining, as it had been for the past week. She walked to her bed and flopped down. “Boring!”
She reached for her cell phone to call her best friend and see what she was doing but then she remembered that her friend was on vacation. So instead she called her boyfriend. The phone rang twice and then was picked up.
“Hello?” answered a voice on the other end.
“Hi Tony,” cooed Mary.
“Oh hi Mary. Sorry, now’s not a good time because I have family over. Sorry.”
“Okay. Bye.” She put her cell phone back down. Even her boyfriend would not talk to her. It really was going to be another boring day.
Mary decided to take a nap, even though she was too old for one. I mean, HELLO! I’m sixteen! It’s not like I’m two and gurgling like a baby. Mary loved babies naturally, but today she was in a foul mood.
While she slept, she dreamt about Tony and herself. She dreamt that they were in a movie theater during a romantic movie and they were just about to kiss when…
“Mary!” scolded her mother. “Get up! I had asked you to do your chores hours ago and here you are sleeping. It’s the middle of the day!”
Mary sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She was really upset now. She would have kissed Tony! “Mom, do you have to ruin my life? Just leave me alone!”
“I will not young lady. You are going to do like I asked. Since you didn’t do it earlier and get it done, you can do it now while the rest of the family and I go see a movie. The NEW one that you wanted to see.” Mary’s mother turned on her heel and walked out of the room. Mary groaned. Now she was really ticked.
Mary watched as her family drove off to the movies without her while she was stuck doing chores.
“This really bites!” she said to herself. She opened the dishwasher and started emptying it. “Maybe if my mom was out of my life, or at least not always on my back so much, maybe my life would be better. I mean look at this. I’m stuck doing chores while my family goes off to the movies. And it all happened because my mom said it should end up like this.”
Mary fumed for at least ten more minutes about how her friends abandoned her and how they were not real friends. That her own boyfriend would rather stay with his family than talk to her. She was still angry when she went to the bathroom to collect the trash when she screamed bloody murder.
She ran out of the house and looked back to see if anything was following her. She was about to run for help, but what she saw could not really have been there. Could it? She cautiously reentered the house. She went into the bathroom and looked around. When her eyes fell upon the mirror, she saw what had frightened her. It was real.
A green, savage-looking monster was looking back at her through the mirror. It had long fangs and claws sharper than the keenest knife and eyes deep in its sockets that were pitch black and larger than a good sized cookie.
Mary shuddered. It must be right behind her, just waiting to devour her. But when Mary turned around, there was nobody there. She looked to the mirror, and then she looked behind her. She repeated this quite a few times, looking like a confused hatchling, until she realized the truth.
“I am that thing.” Mary could not grasp why her mind was playing tricks on her until she glanced at her hands.
Her skin had turned a mottled green and the skin itself was scaly, slimy, and peeling. The sight made Mary’s insides churn with revulsion. There was no mistaking the truth. She was a monster.
With Mary so caught in her misery, she completely forgot her anger at her friends and family. She also completely forgot about her skin. So, when she looked back at the mirror, she was surprised to find herself once again in the mirror.
She looked at her hands, but they too had returned to normal. She turned them over and over, scrutinized them, everything. But they were normal, human hands.
Mary ran up to her room in the intention to further question why this had just taken place, when she saw her cell phone on her nightstand. Then she remembered her anger.
She picked it up and was about to throw it out the window when she stopped. She could no longer recognize the object in her scaly hand. She could not understand why she had been so angry. Her mind had become alien and all she could feel was glee. Glee that she could take revenge on those that she believed had caused all her misery. Glee that she had discovered new powers she did not know she possessed.
She smiled widely. She could have some fun.
* * *
Mary’s brother Rick normally liked going to the movies. However, the one his mom had picked out was the worst ever. There were mooshy-gooshy scenes where the hero got a lady and they smooched for five minutes, the dialogue had been lame, and the concept was just… BLAH!
He was thankful to be leaving as he and his family, except for Mary, crossed the parking lot to their car. The sun was setting and so Rick, being only seven, had a fun time trying to step on his brother’s, Nick, his mom’s, and his dad’s shadows.
“Do you always have to act like a child?” complained Nick, his twelve year old brother. “Why don’t you grow up?”
“Because I am a child, dummy,” retorted Rick.
“That’s enough out of you two!” scolded their mother. “Stop fighting.”
Rick stuck his tongue out at his brother when nobody was looking. He smiled. Take that.
When they reached the car, Rick made one big jump on his mom’s shadow because she had finally stopped moving, when he could have sworn he heard a grunt of pain. Then, if it had not been his imagination, he thought he saw his mom’s shadow slither away through the parking lot.
“Hey mom, did you see that?” asked Rick excitedly. “Your shadow moved!”
“Of course it did, imbecile,” said Nick. “That’s because mom moved.”
“No,” defended Rick. “It actually moved!”
They got in the car, and throughout the entire ride home, they argued.
* * *
Just outside the movie theater parking lot, Mary emerged from the shadows, rubbing her face. She was halfway through transformation back into a human. She growled menacingly. Her brother was now on her revenge list. How dare he stamp on her face and get away with it.
She had tried out some of her new abilities, such as being able to turn into a shadow. Another thing she was able to do is see through things if she chose to, like x-ray vision. Mary found these abilities extremely helpful and exciting, because she would have vengeance tonight.
So, with her happy thought in mind, she turned into the shadow of a car, and followed it back to her house.
Mary’s family had just walked into the house when Mary arrived from the backyard carrying a bag a leaves she had raked up. She greeted her family, in a stubborn kind of way, and continued with her chores. After all, she thought. It won’t be long until I don’t have to do this anymore.
Mary and her family went about their business, to do chores or work, to make dinner or to play video games. Mary finished up her chores, and then she went to her room and laid out her plans. Besides, who could do what she would without a foolproof plan?
Everyone was in bed, dreaming sweet dreams of sugar plums and other nonsense. Except Mary.
She took one last gleeful human breath, and then she transformed. Her eyes retracted into their sockets, clouding over into a black pool. Her fingers, toes, and teeth sharpened and came to points. Her skin turned into a decaying mesh and became scaly. When she was finished, she moved to the shadows and set off.
Her first victim was to be Tony. When she arrived at his window, she was kind of sad. That such a “Hot guy” should go to waste, in her opinion. But then it was replaced with hatred.
She moved into Tony’s room and snuck up to the side of the bed. She clamped a claw over his mouth and picked him up with inhuman strength. He started to squirm and wriggle in her arms, but nothing could break the grasp Mary had on her ex-boyfriend.
But something happened she did not expect. The lights in the hall outside Tony’s room turned on and the door opened, silhouetting a man. The man seemed to point an extra long finger at her and then…
* * *
Tony’s father had just gotten home from a week long hunting trip. He had been very successful, catching eight deer in all. He had just opened the back door to store the deer in the shed when he heard noises coming from upstairs. It did not sound like anything other than a robber, so he grabbed his gun and took the stairs three at a time.
He heard the noises coming from Tony’s room, so he opened the door and instead of a robber, he found Mary. Although he did not know it was Mary, of whom he was quite fond of. He saw a monster, and, acting upon instinct, raised his gun, and shot it.
The monster fell limp, releasing its grip on Tony, and fell to the floor with a soft thud. Tony scrambled up and stood next to his father as they witnessed the monster turning into Mary. They became rooted to the spot, overcome by shock. Tony was the first to realize the truth: his dad had killed his girlfriend and another teenager.
He fell to the ground as well, and wept for his love. His father dropped his gun as if it were a poisonous snake, or worse. He just stood in the doorway, understanding that he had committed murder. He would end up in the deepest trouble, because who would believe she had been a monster.
The night wore on, not knowing of the murder. The to-be-victims of Mary were safe, as well as Tony. Tony’s father fled and disappeared, never to be seen again. Mary, she still lived on. Her soul of accusations and anger and misery still floats between shadows, waiting to take revenge. So if shadows move and you are in bed, watch your back, or you may not be there in the morning.
04-22-2008 04:48 PM
04-22-2008 04:49 PM
04-23-2008 02:02 PM
Hi! I love it! Although I noticed some parts need a little tweaking here and there…
First of all I give you 3 stars out of five , it definitely is creepy enough to be in one of those Goosebumps paperbacks! The story was good. The pacing was just a liiiiiiiiiittle bit too fast , just a little bit. I think it would be better to explain more where Mary was getting all these hatred from. Your main character seems to be punishing the wrong person, why Tony?
I particularly liked the part where her family was at the car , and rick and his older brother were arguing.
Again, 3 stars.
04-23-2008 02:15 PM
I thought it was pretty good too. I used to read a lot of the goosebumps type books when I was younger and I agree that this story fits in well with the goosebumps style story.
I thought that the pacing was really fast. Maybe you could expand it out a bit more. Flesh out her powers (how she figured each one out that she uses in the story, etc). Her quick, intense anger may even be a side effect of the new "being" that she is. Maybe even small pet-peeves are increased ten-fold in her mind when that state is active.
At any rate, I liked it and think you have a great start to a story. Would just recommend that you take your time with it and give it a little more life.
04-23-2008 02:37 PM
Right, here are the questions id like answered while reading the story:
*where is Mary’s anger coming from?
*is she evil when she becomes a monster or does she still keep her free will?
*why Tony? What did he do to Mary?
*why wasn’t Mary given the chance to spook others before she got killed like that?
*introduction of characters are too fast, I need to know them just a little bit better
*the story was good, like I said, Goosebumps worthy, and I like Goosebumps!
*you’re good at being creepy and dark, keep it up
*just need to add on a little bit more details/descriptions/etc
I changed my mind, girl, I give you 3 and a half stars!
04-26-2008 11:06 PM
04-27-2008 07:03 PM