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Brandi_R
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Another First Line Challenge

[ Edited ]

Write a scene or short story that begins with this first line:

 

It was only eight am and already Alex wanted to hole up in her bedroom, fall asleep, and forget everything that happened today.

 

I made Alex a woman, but feel free to change that up and make Alex a man.

 

Have fun!

 

 


"When the rain let up he heard the water dripping from the roof and a cricket under the refrigerator started singing." ~from Anthony Doerr’s title story in The Shell Collector

  

 

letterpressfiction.blogspot.com
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Book_Girl14
Posts: 99
Registered: ‎02-05-2010

Re: Another First Line Challenge

Ok here it is. Short, small, not very good. :smileyhappy:

 

 

 

It was only eight am and already Alex wanted to hole up in her bedroom, fall asleep, and forget everything that happened today. The dark messy room was inviting and reflected today's chaotic events. Alex looked toward the door where her corduroy jacket has hanging on the door knob. It was warn in the elbows and only Alex knew that in the left pocket was a note, a note that could be bad news or be good news.

          Alex decided that it was bad. She sighed and sat on her unmade bed. Why did everything have to be so hard? The note was from her boss at her job at the fashion magazine she edited, Rouge Rose. Alex was being "laid off", in more obvious words, fired. Since 6:00 Alex had been cleaning out her office. The worst part was the new editor was moving in at the sometime. Her best friend said that this could be a good thing, and that now Alex could get into her book writing she had been dreaming of doing. But the only thing Alex could seem to write about was the latest fashion fads and comparing body shapes to others and what would fit best on each. "How pathetic my book would be." she thought 

     Just then a ear shattering ring came from somewhere in the next room. She slipped of her bed and walked into her Livingston. Wincing as the light from out side shined into her room shown into her face as she bent over to grab her blackberry out of piles of idea boards and first copies of her-well the magazine was discarded. "Hello?" she said flipping her phone around so her mouth was at the right end. "Alex honey," called the high pieced voice of Alex's best friend Chantel, "get out of your pajama bottoms and put on your suit!"

"No, Chan Chan." Alex moaned

"Alex, I found you the best job!

"I don't want a job," Alex whined, "I want to be a bum in duck PJ's who watches day time TV."

"Alex, you don't even know what comes on in the day time." A small grumble came from Alex's line.

"Ok well then just listen, " Chantel said, "do you remember that guy I dated last month?"

Alex thought. "Dave or Brian?"

"No, the one after Dave and before Brian. Aaron."

"Oh."

"Just get dressed and meet me at Java Joe's." Silence

"Fine."

"Great! See you soon! Kisses!" Then there was a sharp click as Chantel clicked off.

          What did Alex have to lose just go see what kind of work that guy was offering. If it was reasonable she would do it Especially if she wanted to keep her penthouse that she was currently living in. She lifted herself off the white leather couch and headed toward her room.

         Twenty minutes later she was seated in a over stuffed chair in Java Joe's with a mocha iced coffee in her hand. The merry bell tinkered in the front of the store and in walked Chantel in a skirt suit and four inch heels. Next to her was a tall blond man that looked like he had just walked off a Sun Glass Hut poster. He was even still wearing his sun glasses in the dim lilted coffee shop. They both took a seat and Chantel introduced each of the to one another. "Ofcourse! How could I have forgot Aaron?" Alex thought he was "sunglass guy"

         As Chantel want to go get coffee Aaron told Alex about the work he was doing and what positions he could get her. He was the editor of the weekly news paper 1st Avenue Gazette. "We are looking for someone to write the "Costume Column" you would go to any public place you wanted and find one person that really sticks out. Write what they are wearing and doing. Ofcourse make the person anonymous, oh and you will be anonymous too. So what do you think?"

"Well I know cloths and the latest fashion "trends" so I think it sounds good. Well it will give me something to do." Alex replied

"Great! Here is my card,"Aaron said handing her a small piece of paper, "Please come by the office Monday and we will get you started."

"Ok thank you." Alex said taking the card. Just then Chantel walked back from the counter with a steaming cup in her hand. "Aaron, we better hurry the reservations where for noon." She said

"Ok,' he said standing, "Please call me secretary tomorrow and set the exact times for Monday." Aaron said to Alex

"Ok." she replied.

"Sorry to love and leave sugar," sad Chantel grabbing Alex in a hug. "but we have to go."

"Ok," said Alex. "and thank you, both of you." She said turning to Aaron when she said the last part. They both smiled and walked out of the coffee shop.

          Alex sat down in the over sized chair again and sipped her coffee. She smiled as she watched the teen boy in a red apron  juggle the hot coffee cups and shyly hand one to a girl who was clearly reading fashion magazine and using the advice given, maybe she even read Rouge Rose. The girl smiled at the boy and flicked her hair as she turned and walked away. Leaving the boy staring after her in a dreamy gaze. Alex sighed and took out her small note book out of her purse. She already had someone to write about.

Inspired Wordsmith
Morigami
Posts: 1,258
Registered: ‎01-23-2010

Re: Another First Line Challenge

(Okay here go nothing...)

 

It was only eight and already Alex wanted to hole up in her bedroom, fall asleep, and forget everything that happened today. I could hear her soft cries as she slowly walks away from me. I grab her by the shoulder and pull her into my arms. She begins to sob even louder and I don't think I had the strength to holder near me any longer. I pull back and look at her blood shot eyes.

 

"Alex..." But my voice trailed off as she pulled away from my hold and walked away from me, back down the hall as she once came.

 

You could say Alex wasn't ever really that type of girl that talked much or did anything in that matter. So far for her whole life it's been hard. Her parents broke apart before she turned five and then her mom left her since she thought it was to hard for her to take care of a child by herself. So she had to move in with her father, who wasn't the nicest person in the world.

 

I first met her in third grade, when all the kids were playing in the back of the school, waiting to be let in for the first day of school. Then I saw her, she was just so beautiful. With dark brown hair and her magnificent green eyes, I couldn't keep my eyes off hers. Then she looked up and noticed me. She walked over and pushed me down, I fell on my butt.

 

"What's your problem? You got a staring' problem, boy?"

 

"Well..."

 

"Well, What? It's a yes or no question, or are ya to dum to answer that?" She had a nice little southern voice that made me smile as I stood up to meet her at shoulder length again.

 

"No, I just think your kind of pretty." I give her a wink as I starting walking past her.

 

"Oh." Is all she said, her whole face blushes up and she playfully pushes me in the ribs.

 

"Well, your mighty fine too, boy."

 

And that started it. Our friendship lasted, until we got to High School and found out we liked each other a little more then friends. None of our old friends were surprised at us dating and I didn't mind at all. They even said we were perfect, but looking at her walking away from me now, it didn't seem like we were all that perfect. I rub my hand behind my neck and gave a big sigh.

 

"Alex! Wait! Hold up for a second!"

 

Alex turns around and looks back at me. Her eyes are still completely red and she had snot coming all the way down her face to her nice green dress she was wearing for her prom, that I screwed up forgetting to pick her up. I didn't mean to, it's just I slept late that day and totally forget about everything. And now seeing her all broken inside, really showed I messed up and I was worried I would lose her forever. I came up to her and grabed both of her hands in mine.

 

"I'm sorry, okay. I screwed up big."

 

"Ya think?" I ignored that comment and keeped going.

 

"Please come back to the dance with me and we can pretend this never happened. Cause, Alex I love you so much and I really don't want to lose you, not now and not ever." Her sniffles stopped and she started to smile.

 

"Ya mean it?"

 

"Of course, I mean it. Now come on. Let's go have so fun." She giggled and we both ruan out of her house and towards my car. I never knew how much powerful love is, until now.

 

(Hope you like it =P) 


Blog: http://booklover-bookchicks.blogspot.com/
Wordsmith
YeLLoWmisT
Posts: 210
Registered: ‎10-15-2009
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Re: Another First Line Challenge

Wow... I don't think I can even do that.... I'm not good at anything... :smileyhappy:

Hey guys, check this out:

http://www.storywrite.com/
It's cool! :smileyvery-happy:
Wordsmith
Capuchin
Posts: 250
Registered: ‎05-17-2008

Re: Another First Line Challenge

Sorry this is so long, but I wrote it quickly and don't have time to make it shorter. (And I'm not sure what I'd edit out.)

 

A Medieval Matchmaking

 

It was only eight am, and already Alex wanted to hole up in her bedroom, fall asleep, and forget everything that happened today.

 

At midnight, a dull thud had awakened her. She first thought it must have been in a dream, for her chamber was quiet except for the curtains' gentle swish as the breeze crept past the tall windows facing her balcony. Just as she began to lie back, another thud quivered the room, shaking the tapestries and setting the chandelier tinkling.

 

Before she was out of bed, the news came -- her husband and his army, tired of laying siege to her city, had, like the shadow-slinking Cohs they were, snuck kegs of gunpowder up to the city's main gate and blown it to smithereens. As all her guards raced to defend the opening, the enemy, well known to be backstabbers, had exploded another charge, breaching the north wall.

 

All night long, runners brought news as the fighting progressed from street to street, the hateful, crude Cohs never stopping for honorable duels as they skewered everyone in sight.

 

There was a tap on her door a moment before it opened and two footmen brought in her breakfast. As they laid out the meal, one of her ladies entered.

 

"Good morning, Princess Alexialdrial, Dame of the Golden Vial, Mistress of . . ."

 

Alex allowed her to continue but stopped listening. It took a full three minutes to recite all her titles, and as much as she ached for news of how the battle was going, she knew civilized people observe the proper rites and rituals at all times. She found comfort in the fact her distinction, pride, and honor were being maintained even in the face of the indignities being done to her lovely city. For the sake of propriety, any news had to wait until the greeting was finished and she had eaten her breakfast.

 

". . . Wearer of the Emerald Robe, and Queen of Coh-Doir." The lady's voice shrank as she uttered the last title, and Alex felt shame that her hereditary lands were fouled by being linked with Coh, and it angered her that she should be placed second in such a grotesque match. The Emperor had ordered her, as Princess of Doir, married to the Prince of Coh to put an end to the long war between the two lands. But not even his Imperial Majesty could make her, or her people, love or accept such a vile enemy.

 

As she sipped her tea, she looked at her reflection in the silver teapot. She smiled for a moment before another thought clouded her mind -- before the day ended, she might actually see her husband for the first time. One always had to take extra precautions when dealing with the double-dealing, underhanded Cohs, so her cousin had been her bridesmaid, going to the wedding to speak in her name and accept the ring as token of the binding. It was just as well she had not bothered going herself, for the sneaky Prince hadn't dared show his face and had sent his cousin as best man to mouth the words and hand over the trinket.

 

Despite her disgust, she had always wondered what her husband looked like. Like all thieves, skulkers, and murderers, the Cohs did not allow anyone to have their pictures, as portraits or even miniatures. They claimed it was a religious edict against icons which might be adored, but she knew it was really to make it harder for victims to identify them.

 

She thought the Prince might be handsome. It took sixteen large sheets of vellum to list all his mistresses, and it was rumored he often dressed as a peasant, went into the countryside where he wouldn't be recognized, and never returned to his palace until some good and pious girl succumbed to his charms. The fact that he was rarely gone more than a day spoke highly of either his looks or of his people's low morals.

 

Unfortunately, after the wedding ceremony, he had quit that adventuring and placed himself at the head of an army, focusing all his efforts on capturing his forced-bride's lands and property. In less than a year, he had vanquished half the countryside and, purely by chance, caught her in her favorite city before she could flee from his hoard of barbarians.

 

"Princess Alexialdrial," the lady said. "I fear the news is not good this morning. The scum has taken all of the city except the palace. Your guardsmen are fighting bravely, but it is likely they will soon be overpowered. All the doors to this tower are barred and double-locked, but I fear the heathens will quickly batter them down."

 

"Send for my maids."

 

"Yes, milady."

 

As soon as the door was shut, Alex went to a black cabinet and carefully unlocked it. If she was to meet the horrible man, she would do it dressed as a true Doir lady.

 

The silk peignoir was red and black, her mother's heraldic colors. From waist to hem, an edging embroidered with gold and silver thread overlay a strong silk cord. Sturdy ornaments at each end served as handles, turning it into an elegant garotte. In the last year, she had practiced by using it to strangle dozens of convicted criminals, and she felt calm pride in her discrete and feminine skill with it.

 

The style of the sheath nightgown disturbed her. The elbow-length sleeves disrupted it's chic and alluring lines, but they were absolutely necessary to keep her arms from brushing against the bodice, the lace overlay of which had been steeped in an herbal potion. She made a mental note to remember to sprinkle perfume on it, for the deadly poison was absorbed by the skin of any who touched it much more quickly when it was moist.

 

Her necklace dangled from a hook on the inside of the door. She quickly checked both clasps, the one that fastened it around her neck and the one which held a steel pin long and sharp enough that, when thrust into an ear, was sure to skewer a vital part of the brain.

 

"I'll be absolutely beautiful," she told the empty room. With a start she remembered the most important thing and dashed to the bed. A silver emblem folded down from one side of the headboard. She tipped a cold candle on the bedside table towards it, judging the distance and angle so that, if knocked over during a moment of passion, its wick would land squarely in the middle of the silver. She lit the candle before using her finger to spread out the thick dust which had settled in a ridge when the emblem had been upright. A fast glance told her the hole at the back was clear so that when anything lit the incense-colored flash powder, the fire would be conducted to the hundredweight of gunpowder built into the frame of the bed.

 

"I hope it doesn't come to that," she said. "But he dies today, no matter what."

 

There was a tap on the door a moment before three of her maids stepped in and knelt, awaiting her orders.

 

"Two of you help me dress," Alex said. "The other must run to the battle and stop the fighting. Tell them Princess Alexialdrial awaits her scheming, underhanded, untrustworthy,

backstabbing, murdering husband." She smiled, joyed by delicious thoughts of what she about to do. "Put it into sweet words, of course."

 

The End

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards." -- Robert Heinlein
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Brandi_R
Posts: 1,598
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: Another First Line Challenge

 

Book_Girl14 wrote:

 

 

 

It was only eight am and already Alex wanted to hole up in her bedroom, fall asleep, and forget everything that happened today. The dark messy room was inviting and reflected today's chaotic events. Alex looked toward the door where her corduroy jacket has hanging on the door knob. It was warn in the elbows and only Alex knew that in the left pocket was a note, a note that could be bad news or be good news. . . .

 

How wonderful that things turn out so well for Alex. I adore the detail of the note in her pocket. It creates such wonderful tension! I wonder if Alex gets the job just a bit too easily. Perhaps you could create more tension by showing how Aaron is sizing up her responses before offering it to her.

 

Thanks for posting! This is a fun read.

 

 


"When the rain let up he heard the water dripping from the roof and a cricket under the refrigerator started singing." ~from Anthony Doerr’s title story in The Shell Collector

  

 

letterpressfiction.blogspot.com
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Brandi_R
Posts: 1,598
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: Another First Line Challenge

[ Edited ]

 

LexieVamp wrote:

(Okay here go nothing...)

 

It was only eight and already Alex wanted to hole up in her bedroom, fall asleep, and forget everything that happened today. I could hear her soft cries as she slowly walks away from me. I grab her by the shoulder and pull her into my arms. She begins to sob even louder and I don't think I had the strength to holder near me any longer. I pull back and look at her blood shot eyes. . . .

LexieVamp, I like the approach you took with the first person narrator. His observations of Alex go a long way in characterizing both her and their relationship. Great work! It seems like a big thing for him to forget their prom entirely. Does he have something else on his mind? Is he really just that forgetful? Was he dreading the prom for some reason? It might be interesting to reveal even more of his motivation. Great work!

 

 


"When the rain let up he heard the water dripping from the roof and a cricket under the refrigerator started singing." ~from Anthony Doerr’s title story in The Shell Collector

  

 

 

letterpressfiction.blogspot.com
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Brandi_R
Posts: 1,598
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Re: Another First Line Challenge

 

YeLLoWmisT wrote:

Wow... I don't think I can even do that.... I'm not good at anything... :smileyhappy:

 

 

What, Yellowmist? That's so not true! Give it a try. I bet you'll surprise yourself.

 

 


"When the rain let up he heard the water dripping from the roof and a cricket under the refrigerator started singing." ~from Anthony Doerr’s title story in The Shell Collector

  

 

letterpressfiction.blogspot.com
Moderator
Brandi_R
Posts: 1,598
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: Another First Line Challenge

 

Capuchin wrote:

. . ."Two of you help me dress," Alex said. "The other must run to the battle and stop the fighting. Tell them Princess Alexialdrial awaits her scheming, underhanded, untrustworthy,

backstabbing, murdering husband." She smiled, joyed by delicious thoughts of what she about to do. "Put it into sweet words, of course."

 

The End

 

Lovely last line! It speaks volumes of her character and her feelings about the action she’s about to take. I enjoy where you’ve taken this first line. If you’re looking for something to pare out, you might see if you can condense some of the background information. While it’s rich and interesting, it does take the reader away from the forward momentum of the action for awhile. 

 

 

 


 

"When the rain let up he heard the water dripping from the roof and a cricket under the refrigerator started singing." ~from Anthony Doerr’s title story in The Shell Collector  

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Inspired Scribe
djaq
Posts: 1,080
Registered: ‎02-28-2009

Re: Another First Line Challenge

[ Edited ]

   It was only eight am and already Alex wanted to hole up in her bedroom, fall asleep, and forget everything that happened today. She had no choice but to watch everything slip from her grasp. She had no choice but to watch hot, red flames carefully lick the world she had tried so hard to keep alive, so her dreams were to be reduced to nothing more but smoldering ashes.

  The letter sat on the table, laughing gleefully at Alex, as she tried to keep herself together. Master Doulima's curly type, wickedly splashed across the paper.

  Alex pressed her sweating face against the cool window pane, trying desprately to aviod the truth. Her eyes followed the small people in the streets, as mothers and fathers ushured children, beggers pleeded for just a scrap, and Master Doulima's men stood on guard by the Bank of Westphalia.

  A sharp pain shot through her as she watched the men in their stocky brown uniforms, and the daggers, hidden underneith the stiff black cloak. Alex shivered. Just seven months ago she had witnessed the guards as they attacked her collegue, Mollind, as he tried to break into the Bank. Their long silver daggers whipped out, and pierced the fragile skin. It took nearly half of the tax payers money to clean up the town square after that. Alex felt dizzy, and hot tears threatend to spill down her cheek.

  The Bank. It was all about Doulima's **bleep**ing Bank. The city does nothing but cower benieth the shadows, hiding in the ruins, yet here is Master Doulima. He sits on the 62nd floor of the Bank of Westphalia, in his beautifully ornate office, watching the city crumble through his bay window, as he feasted on lamb, pork, and various animals, and gulped down bottle after bottle of rich wines and liquors. He had come to power a little over three years ago, after the collapse of Yzamsi's "Reformed" Economy and Government System. Many people living in the depths of the city were forced to resort to their old cannibalistic ways because of the mess Yzamsi had made. Of course, Doulima is not much better. He just hides it. Doulima is known for his beautiful ability to make it appear he knows what he's doing. He makes the people think that he has it all under control. This is the only reason he is still in power, in the Big Chair. This is the only reason he is able to keep the Bank of Westphalia, the shining beakon of false hope that showers itself upon the city every day.

   Alex felt her nails digging into the sweaty flesh of her palm, and her knee's started to buckle. Paincked, Alex reached over to the cubbord, snatching up a small vile of alchol. With one sip, the vile was emptied, and she cringed as the drink burned the inside of her throat.

   Hand shaking, she returned it to the shelf, and carefully began unzipping the top of her worn dress. Her skin cried out, as it was flashed before the morning sunlight seeping into the room. Alex found a new shirt, and pulled it over her head. Then, found another pair of slacks that had hidden away under her bed.

   There was only a small bottle of water left, so Alex decided that she would have to do without a wash. With her fore finger she rubbed quickly at the dirt plastered under her neck, and behind her ears. It did nothing but turn her skin an unattractive shade of red.

   The letter was still sprawled across the table, and Alex made a gallient effort to aviod it. But her eyes constantly strayed, glancing quickly at the swirly signature of Master Doulima

   "We have been informed of your act of treason..."

   Treason my ass. If only Lorrena had not been such a fool.

   "Our new government will not stand for such an act of tretchery against our rule..."

   Bah. I'm the one in the wrong, am I?

   "You must, surely, understand the position I am in, as your leader... I have no choice..."

   There is always a choice, Doumlia, you scum bag. What leader kills innocent workers? What leader calls for the inhumane massacres of his people?

    Alex felt her face flush, and her head bagn to throb out of pure rage.

    "You are cordially invited for a vist to The Bank of Westphalia , hosted by Master Brenshaw Thomas Doulima; Master of the MurRica nations and peoples from the year 4786-Present Day..." 

     A strong knot formed in the deepest pit of Alex's stomach. Tears instantley surfaced, clouding her vision, then freely pouring onto her face. Her body felt limp, and her hands shook violently. The room began to spin, and Alex fell onto the ground, pounding her fists onto the wooden floor until they bled.

   "You are cordially invited..."

   As if it was a reward.

   Alex gasped, then let out a cry mixed with an open sob. She had spent the past 19 months forming the resitence against this government. Alex had even been able to work at the Bank of Westphalia for nine months, trying to catch enough information to help bring down the Bank from the inside. She had even spoke to Doulima on her very first week. Trying to weedle enough information out of the fat sucker. Oh how she weedled away at his layer of thick fat, to get that man, no, that dispicable, shallow, disgrace of a man, to spill his deep secrets! Alex put up with his filth, and his disgusting manor to get his plans for attack on the city. His was engineering a war. He had spent his entire time in power, to build up the greatest army the world had yet seen. 

   Then Lorrena, stupid, stupid, Lorrena left the package of letters in the Bank. Right out in the open, for anyone to see. The package of letters were written by Alex, adressed to each and every man, woman, and child prepared to fight against Doulima. They explained the war, and the army, and what we needed to revolt. And Lorrena practically handed them over to Doulima. She costed dear Mollind his life, and her own in the long run.      

    The Bank. Designed to show the people living in the city, that there was always hope. That there was always room for dreams. It seemed on the outside, that Doumlia had built it, to honor the city, and it's finest people. But, it was devised to keep the city in line. The bright marble walls, and large intricate sculptures and architectural masterpieces, were all just lies. The exterior of the building was decorated with elaborate stone statues, of beautiful people having a seemingly good time. But up close, each face was masked in a look of terror. Of fear.

    "You are cordially invited..."

    Alex grasped the letter tightly, her hands shaking, and with two quick moves, she tore the letter in half, and cried out in pain as she watched the paper spiral to the ground.

    I will not die.

    Not today.

    Not like this.

    Alex stumbled to her feet, and grabbed her satchel, which was stored away in the loose floor board, benieth the window sil.

    Alex lunged for the door.

 

    But she was too late.

 

    As she flung the door open, she came face to face with a large, fat, pigish man.

    "My dear, my dear," Doulima smiled, baring his large swollen gums. His pale, colorless eyes glowing. "What do we have here?"


************************************
"We could do pizza."
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Inspired Scribe
_mOonSeeKer_
Posts: 700
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Re: Another First Line Challenge

 
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Inspired Scribe
_mOonSeeKer_
Posts: 700
Registered: ‎06-15-2009

Re: Another First Line Challenge

When I started writing this, I thought it would be so short...but then it began to lengthen...so yeah, it's long. sorry. but i still hope someone would read this.

 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

It was only eight pm and already Alex wanted to hole up in her bedroom, fall asleep, and forget everything that happened today. Sierra was right. She was always right, but of course Alex didn't listen. Why would she? That's Alex for you: stubborn, never listening to anyone but herself and probably only Dara. But then, of course, she'd always have a soft spot for Dara. 

 

Dara was her best friend ever since they were in 1st grade. They tell everything to each other. Secrets - they always have. Unlike Sierra who was always babbling her mind away, Dara was quiet, understanding, and was always there for Alex.

 

While Dara was comforting Alex this afternoon, Sierra was away to some party. The only reason Sierra ever put up with Dara and Alex was because of Alex's older brother who, according to Sierra, was utterly handsome and awesomely clever (these were Sierra's very words, I wouldn't dream of describing someone like this.) The way she flirted with him was unbelievable! To make matters worse, Tony seemed to be enjoying it! Alex could only shake her head over the two. 

 

This morning, when she got out of bed, she immediately checked her phone. No messages. No nothing. Ugh. Reluctantly, she headed out to the bathroom and took a long bath. It's summer, so there's no hurry to do anything. After putting on her freshly washed clothes, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was cooking breakfast. She went over to her Mom to see what she's cooking. Bacons and eggs: her favorite. She was just about to pour herself a glass of orange juice, when the doorbell rang.

 

"I'll get it!"

 

She opened the door and was surprised to see a tall man wearing a grey suit. His tawny hair was sleek and stylishly combed. If it weren't for his crooked nose, he'd be handsome, Alex thought.

 

"Can I please see Mrs. Paige?" the man asked politely.

 

"Oh, okay. She's in the kitchen. I'll call her. Do you, um, want to come in?" the man nodded.

 

"Mom! Someone's here for you!" Alex trudged back to the kitchen. Her mother was nowhere to be seen.

 

She went back to the living room and saw her mother already sitting on the couch from across the man. Alex noted that her mother had dressed rather formally. Hmmm, this must be an important guest, she thought. 

 

The man turned and noticed her. He spoke to her mother, "Is it her?" with just a little emphasize on the "her".

 

"Yes, it is, sir." Alex bristled. Besides being stubborn, she also had temper which you could tell easily by her red hair. They were talking about her as if she's an animal! The way the man looked and acted irritated her. What right had he to come in here anyway? And what was mother doing? What's with the "sir" for? The man's respectable, sure, but heck! Why did mother have to dress and "sir" him for?

 

"Alex, dear, come here and meet Mr. Brigettes." Her mother motioned softly to her. She sat down unwillingly beside her. 

 

Surprisingly, the man spoke to her. "How was your life here, Alex?" What an odd question! And what right had he to ask her like that? And he had called her by name as if he knew her for a very long time. But if Alex was surprised by any of these, she didn't show it. 

 

"It was fine." she answered coldly. She didn't lengthen her answer nor did she wish to do so. This man was getting on her nerves. 

 

"Fine? What do you mean by "fine", Alex?" Alex balled her fists. Her temper was almost to its boiling point and if that man didn't leave sooner, he might just as well wish that he'd never set foot in her house. She tried to calm herself and soften her voice so her mother wouldn't think she's being rude, but it was of no use. 

 

"I said it's fine, Mr. Brigettes,” she practically hissed. “What more do you want to know? And why are you here anyway?" Alex calmed down a little now that the question, which had been forming on the back of her mind all along, was out. She didn’t care now if she was being rude.

 

Instead of being insulted, as Alex expected, Mr. Brigettes smiled. Alex hated his smile. It seemed taunting to her. "You're still the same."

 

Now that was a surprise. What did he mean by "You're still the same"? Did he see her before? Did she know him? 

 

Her mother probably saw her puzzled expression, because she quickly said, "She doesn't know, Mr. Brigettes, sir." 

 

That triggered it. Alex's temper reached its boiling point. If there's anything she hated, it's being told "you don't know", as if saying "and you'll never know".

 

She exploded, "What do you mean I don't know?" she turned to Mr. Brigettes, "What do you mean "you're still the same"? Do I know you? Have we ever met? Cause I honestly don't remember you!" She was standing up by now and she was so confused and angry it took all her being not to smash the vase, that was in front of her, against the wall. When Alex was mad, you better get out of her way. Most of the time, when her temper gets out of control, she tends to hurl things at people or something she’s mad at. Her mother knew this so she gently made Alex sit again.

 

“Alex, dear, please show some respect to –”

 

“Respect? You want me show some respect to him? But, Mom! He’s the one who should show some respect!”

 

“But, dear, you don’t know who you’re talking to. He’s the lawyer of the Finney Family.”

 

“So what? What does that have to do with me? And why is he here if he’s the lawyer of those Finney?”

 

“I…” her mother hesitated. She turned to Mr. Brigettes, “Tell her. I can’t.” Tears began welling up in her eyes.

 

“What is it, Mom?” she softened her voice. “You can tell me. Please tell me,” but her mother continued to cry.

 

Mr. Brigettes cleared her throat. “I guess I would have to tell you, Alex.” He cleared her throat again before finally speaking formally, “You know the Finneys, right? They have a summer house here.”

 

Alex nodded impatiently, “Yeah, so?”

 

“Fifteen years ago, Mrs. Finney bore a child. It was a girl. But you see, Mrs. Finney doesn’t like it – the child I mean. So she gave her child away. She said she has no use for children. I know it sounds cruel and everyone thought she was being heartless, but there was a reason behind it. A reason that even Mr. Finney doesn’t know. Now, you may be asking yourself ‘Then why did Mr. Finney let Mrs. Finney give her child away?’ It’s because Mr. Finney didn’t even know that his wife became pregnant; she never told him. He was not always home; always in some business trip. Sometimes he’d be gone for months and when he ever got home, he’d be too tired to take notice of her wife. He was away when the child was born and nobody told him about it.

 

And now fifteen years had passed, and Mrs. Finney is in her deathbed. She has cancer. And it’s slowly eating her body away. Last week, she finally told Mr. Finney about their child and the reason why she gave it away. She said her reason was that she was mad at everything and everyone at the time. Her parents never really brought her up properly, just lavishly spoiled her away. And she was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to bring the child up. She was afraid that it would grow up like her: spoiled and selfish.

 

At first, Mr. Finney was mad. He said she should have at least told him. Mrs. Finney said that she never felt guilty of what she did until the last couple of years when she began thinking and wondering of how her child must have looked by now.

 

Alex, I…uh…. you’re the child.” Mr. Brigettes breathed deeply as if his job was done.

 

Alex just stared at him, stunned. At first, she didn’t understand what he said but after a moment, it began to sink in. The words floated around her mind. “Alex, you’re the child.” She felt confused. Angry. She ran to her room.

 

_______________________________________________________________________

 

 

please..please..please..tell me what you think. this is the first story I have ever finished. :smileyhappy:

http://whisperinglostwords.blogspot.com
Wordsmith
YeLLoWmisT
Posts: 210
Registered: ‎10-15-2009

Re: Another First Line Challenge

Sorry guys... It was not until now that I had been able to use the internet since... I guess last last week.....

__________________________________________________

Brandi_R wrote:

 

What, Yellowmist? That's so not true! Give it a try. I bet you'll surprise yourself

_________________________________________________

 

well, Brandi... you're right... I DID surprised myself that I can write a story..... so I decided to post it here.... but then... I guarantee you guys that it's NO GOOD AT ALL... :smileyvery-happy: Okay, here it goes:

 

    It's only eight pm, and already Alex wanted to hole up in her bedroom, fall asleep, and forget evetything that happend today. If she would replay the whole thing, she have to admit it's something humorous and worthy of laughing at... that is, if she's open-minded at the time. But she's not. All she could see that moment is her humiliation and the people's pointed finger at the mud-filled Alexa Granger. with insulted pride and anger, she slammed the front door, climbed the stairs, and went inside her room, banging the door behind.She threw her school books on her desk and plunged herself to her bed. Giving a silent groan, she plashed back that embarassing event.

   Alex was walking out of her last class. It was six pm. Her mind was busy remembering her teachers' lessons that she didn't noticed the very noticeable rock in front of her. She tripped on it, and the next thing she knew, she was on her way to a mud pool, rolling. By the time she was up, other students were already laughing, their eyes fixed on her. Irritated and humiliated to find herself in such a horrible state, she got up, gathered her books--which, miraculously had not obtained a drop of mud on it--, and went straight ot her locker. She hurriedly grabbed her bag and ran for the ladies' room.

   It's a good thing they decided to have showers here. Alex thought sarcasticly. She pulled the surtain close and turned the shower on. After rinsing her hair thoroughly, she undressed herself and washed her mud-stained clothes. She dried herself and changed to her P.E. pants and shirts that's inside her bag. So being a Girl Scout is worth it, after all. She folded her wet clothes, put them inside a plastis bag, and strolled out.

   Since all her classes were now over, Alex decided to linger in the cafeteria. After serving herself a glass of coffee shake, she searched for a vaccant seat. She had difficulty doing so, for it was a little crowded, but at last she found one by the window. She settled herself and started to gulp her shake.

   "So how's our mud-filled Alexa?"a girly voice startled her. She does not need to turn around, however, to see whose the voice from.

   "So gossips spread so fast?"Alex said as she turned to face Natalie Camberwell.  "As you could see, Nat, I'm all cleaned now. You don't need to call me mud-filled." she spoke so coldly that if you only heard her, you'll shiver. But if Natalie noticed any of this, she didn't show it. Instead, she just smirked at Alex.

   Avoiding any further comotion, Alex decided to leave. Just as she spun to stand up, a clumsy waiter tripped on the floor in front of her. Before she realized it,. she was stained with freezing cappuccino.

   "Oh! I'm so sorry, miss!" apologized the waiter as he stood up. "I really didn't mean to--"

   "As if your sorry can do any good!" Alex cut in furiuosly. As she stormed ou of the door, she could hear Nat and her friends giggling. Frustrated, she decided to ride for home.

   Alexa's alarm clock told her it was only 8:15 pm, but she was so tired and exhausted she decided to go to sleep.

______________________________

 

There... told you it's NO GOOD.... :smileywink: ahahhahaha... lol.... sorry.... this is my first story I had been able to continue up to this far. :smileyvery-happy:

Hey guys, check this out:

http://www.storywrite.com/
It's cool! :smileyvery-happy:
Wordsmith
YeLLoWmisT
Posts: 210
Registered: ‎10-15-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Another First Line Challenge

WOW  Moonseek! I like your story very much! How come you can create such a good one? :smileyvery-happy:

 

 

you deserve a laurel....  haha.... :smileyvery-happy:

Hey guys, check this out:

http://www.storywrite.com/
It's cool! :smileyvery-happy:
Wordsmith
YeLLoWmisT
Posts: 210
Registered: ‎10-15-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Another First Line Challenge

[ Edited ]

@Lexie Vamp... sorry... but I didn't like your story...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't like it because I LOVE IT!!!!!! I really like the genre you used--love. *sighs* I can't help but feel a little jealous, you know.... oops... sorry 'bout that.. I just can't help it... I had BILLIONS  of concepts in my mind, but I'm no good in putting it on paper.... :smileywink:

Hey guys, check this out:

http://www.storywrite.com/
It's cool! :smileyvery-happy:
Inspired Wordsmith
Morigami
Posts: 1,258
Registered: ‎01-23-2010
0 Kudos

Re: Another First Line Challenge

YeLLoWmisT wrote:

@Lexie Vamp... sorry... but I didn't like your story...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't like it because I LOVE IT!!!!!! I really like the genre you used--love. *sighs* I can't help but feel a little jealous, you know.... oops... sorry 'bout that.. I just can't help it... I had BILLIONS  of concepts in my mind, but I'm no good in putting it on paper.... :smileywink:

 

lol It's k and thanx YeLLoWmisT xD haha


Blog: http://booklover-bookchicks.blogspot.com/
Distinguished Scribe
tiffany57
Posts: 763
Registered: ‎08-20-2009

Re: Another First Line Challenge

Okay, I'll try, this will be the first story that I've wrote in a LONG time.

 


It was only eight am and already Alex wanted to hole up in her bedroom, fall asleep, and forget everything that happened today.  Her big, wet, blue eyes looked at me from over her knees, which were tucked tightly against her chest.  A tear slowly ran down her pink face followed by another.  I opened my mouth, thinking of something quickly to say that might calm my stubborn sister, then closed it as she sobbed even harder.  I joined her on the ratty old sofa that has been in this very spot since I was five, and put my arm around her. 

 

"Kara?"  Alex said, more like screamed, in between sobs. 

 

"Yes?"  She looked at me, with a devastating look on her face. 

 

"Wha- what do you think is gonna happen to me?"  Today, Alex found out that her parents died in a car accident.  She's only fifteen, like myself.

 

"Well, well, you can stay with me."  I offered, hugging her tighter.

 

"Why me!  Why?  Why is it always me?"  She tugged away from me and rushed out the front door, slamming it behind her.  I took the blancket she threw on me and layed it to the side, going to chase after her. 

 

It was cold outside, snowing, and about midnight.  My mother workeded the night shift at the hospital and would be home in a few hours, so I was on my own.  It was up to me to find Alex.  "Alex?"  I looked around.  Nothing was in sight but the white woods and driveway.  I ran, barefooted, towards the forest, hoping Alex was behind a tree or something.  My breath puffed in my face as I ran, my heart rate rising.  I stopped and held my breath then quickly looked around for Alex breathing.  Nothing.

 

I took in a deep breath and lifted my head upward, looking at the trees, hiding the sky.  Exhaling, something snapped my head and I fell to the ground.  Everything went black.


 

I know it's not good...

If there is a book you really want to read but it hasn't been written yet, you must write it. -Toni Morrison
Wordsmith
Capuchin
Posts: 250
Registered: ‎05-17-2008
0 Kudos

Re: Another First Line Challenge

Brandi_R wrote:

 

Capuchin wrote:

. . She smiled, joyed by delicious thoughts of what she about to do.

 

Lovely last line! It speaks volumes of her character and her feelings about the action she’s about to take. I enjoy where you’ve taken this first line. If you’re looking for something to pare out, you might see if you can condense some of the background information. While it’s rich and interesting, it does take the reader away from the forward momentum of the action for awhile.  

 

Thanks -- I was trying very hard to show how terrible her enemies were in comparison to her own, sweet nature. On rereading, methinks I tried to hard.

 

As far as cutting, I agree in principle, but can't see it being done well. The reader has to know how she can be married without ever having met her husband (which is why he's still alive), and that's always going to be a bit cumbersome.

 

Oh, well, if it had turned out great, I would've polished it a bit here and there before submitting it to a paying market rather than posting it here (above all else, I'm greedy).

 

(Apologies for posting this reply so late, but because of B&N software changes, logging into the boards is now a five-step process (which often has to be done several times before success), and I often can't justify the frustration.)

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards." -- Robert Heinlein
Moderator
Brandi_R
Posts: 1,598
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
0 Kudos

Re: Another First Line Challenge

Great work on this, djaq! The opening is filled with tension. I wanted to know what was in the letter and why it was so important to Alex.

letterpressfiction.blogspot.com
Moderator
Brandi_R
Posts: 1,598
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
0 Kudos

Re: Another First Line Challenge

These characters have an intriguing and complex relationship, moonseeker. That makes for some interesting tension. Well done.

letterpressfiction.blogspot.com