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ToriSky16
Posts: 19
Registered: ‎07-22-2009
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Another Poem

I don't like this one as well as the others, so please let me know what you all think. Thanks again! 

 

 

Like A Wrecking Ball

 

Bleeding hearts seeping from the mind

Blood trickling through your thoughts

The mind shuts down, but the thoughts never cease

She draws you in like a moth to a flame

Your thoughts know better

Yet you can’t pull away

 

Surrounded by life and laughter

Though she hides behind the mask

You know you should pull away, but the harder you fight, the harder you fall

She touches you with her fingers

You shutter and shatter

She is all wrong

She is all right

 

The pain boils beneath the surface like a volcano waiting to erupt

She sees right through you

She feels no remorse

It is her life to live

She will as she wants

Your heart is breaking more each day

 

You must escape this vicious circle

The pattern will never change

The pain must cease, the heart must heal

Something must be done

You find the strength to sever

Seize your life

Scribe
redheart52
Posts: 790
Registered: ‎12-25-2008
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Re: Another Poem

I liked it. But the line that starts "You know you should pull away, but the harder you fight, the harder you fall." Its kind of really long and doesn't fit when you say it as it is in one line and maybe you should either cut down the line or move some of it to the next line. Something els i noticed is you don't use alot of punctuation. Commas and periods can work wonders with poetry it could make it flow better. Those are just some of my thoughts but you did a very good job. I like the way you write it is so deep and meaningful.
Contributor
ToriSky16
Posts: 19
Registered: ‎07-22-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Another Poem

I agree. I split it up and it does sound much better. I was really tired when I wrote this one. With the punctuation, I just don't want to end up having a comma or period after every line, it just seems like a bit much. I think you can get it without all that, but maybe that's just me. Thanks a bunch for the advice, I appreciate it. I can use all the feedback I can get!