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Distinguished Bibliophile
shadowcat80
Posts: 2,353
Registered: ‎12-25-2010
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Chloe Angelilly part 1

Chloe Angelilly Part 1 The worlds exist in a careful balance of light and dark forces. This angered the God of the Underworld Hades. His eyes peered like a viper's ready to strike. He had a plot of most devious nature and best part was he only had to wait which for an immortal wasn't an issue. Chloe Angelilly was waking up to her 12th birthday. Which for a fairy was about eighteen equal to man's years. Today was an important day for her for at twelve fairies were given their destined arm and life mission. Their was six types of fairy weaponry. First was the most common the bow and arrow, but there was also claws, palms, staffs, swords, cannons, and orbitals. The elders decided which type you would be bonded with. The bonding would make the arm strong but, also as security the weapon would only obey its bond fairy. "Step follow Young Lady Angelilly" The elder ordered. The elder walked around Chloe and made notes in a small pad as he looked her over. Suddenly he stopped as he was directly in front her and leaned in close until he was right on top of her. "It's been awhile since i saw a female staff wielder" He said as he reached for a staff. "My father was a bow fairy i thought i would be the same" Chloe said. "Are you questioning my wisdom child? " Elder raised his voice and glared. Chloe shook her head. She knew that she had opened her mouth at wrong time. The elder grabbed her arm and recited. "Oh Great Ancestors, grant this young lady an unbreakable bond with her destined arm" He handed her the staff. The staff was made of strong ash tree wood. The staff had powerful melee abilities but it was the spell casting that made it a prized arm to be linked to. Chloe felt energy flow through her body as the ancients revealed knowledge of staff battles. She quickly turn and sent a ball of fire at a dummy nearby. She gasped as she seem to do the attack without thought.
Help me down the crooked road. Lead me to the light. I'm not sure I know the way but with you beside me, I'm certain we'll make it through.
Wordsmith
Kat-NE
Posts: 1,349
Registered: ‎04-22-2009
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Re: Chloe Angelilly part 1

I don't know if this was on purpose or if the board changed it, but it was kind of hard to read with it all being just one big block. Especially when you changed perspective a few times.

 

I didn't really feel any transitions in between the change of perspective, so the changes felt very abrupt and was lost there for a moment.

 

The story sounds interesting though. Keep at it.

Distinguished Bibliophile
shadowcat80
Posts: 2,353
Registered: ‎12-25-2010
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Re: Chloe Angelilly part 1

No Kat the board did that i had spaces for paragraphs, i agree kat its hard to read.
Help me down the crooked road. Lead me to the light. I'm not sure I know the way but with you beside me, I'm certain we'll make it through.
Wordsmith
writerfire
Posts: 324
Registered: ‎03-27-2012
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Re: Chloe Angelilly part 1

I like it.  Sorry I'm just now getting to it though.

The best surprize is one left untold.