04-18-2010 09:39 PM
This is a rewritten copy of my earlier story about Katie. Comments are appreciated(:
Have you ever watched something fall? Something that means a lot to you, something that you know is irreplaceable. Maybe it got too close to the edge, and it just fell. Maybe you couldn’t grab it in time and it slipped through your fingers.
I have. My friend, Katie, she fell. I wonder what it was like for her, standing on the rail, looking at the water floor underneath her. Was she fearless? Or was she frightened? I guess I'll never know. I do know why she died though, she told me. If only I stopped her, she might still be here. If only I heard her, if only I really listened to her. I did get my chance however, but it was just too late.
I was driving home from shopping when I passed over a bridge. Through the dimly lit lights, I saw a silhouette of a person getting onto the rail. I thought that I would figure out who it was and what they were doing so I parked and got out. Not many people came on this bridge because of the stories people said about this particular bridge.
While walking over to the figure, I saw that it was Katie. Her brunette hair that hung just past her shoulders and the black shirt she was wearing was blowing with the wind. However, her blue skinnies stayed tight to her skin.
Standing on the top rail, and holding the light pole, Katie was looking straight like she was dreaming or remembering. I walked closer, curious and frightened about what she was doing. The light above was all that let me see her. "K-Katie?" I called, my voice shaking. She whirled around, losing her footing but regained it. It was then that I noticed she was barefooted. I shivered noticing that her face didn’t change from the mistake. Instead her face was full of wonder, maybe as to why I was here.
"What are you doing up there?" I questioned still moving closer. The wonder was gone and now a new emotion that I couldn't place came about. It was a mixture of anger and hope.
"I'm getting some air" she said warily.
"Come down please, I'm scared you'll fall." My hand was reaching out toward her hoping she would take it and climb down.
"That's what my mom used to say. When I was little, my dad always took us to the pier for him to go fishing. I was curious as to what I could see in the water. I always hoped for a fish to be swimming by so I could warn it about the bait on the poles. When I’d get too close to the edge I would always feel a thrill. The thrill of being on top, knowing that nothing could get me. That it would be my escape from everything. I would bend down and try to touch the water but my mom would notice that I was getting close and told me that she was scared I would fall and that I needed to get away from the edge. I would be mad but when she said that, it made me think that she actually cared about me, that I was capable for her love.” As she talked I took steps forward, getting closer to pull her down from the ledge.
She stopped talking suddenly and angrily said, "What? You don't want to hear my story? If you come any closer...” She paused before she said, “I’ll jump." It was as if a rod was stuck in my back as I straightened up and stopped walking forward. I knew I had to save her. She was my friend after all. I should've listened to her when she was talking. I should’ve been a better friend and noticed the signs. This was my only chance of trying to save her.
“Okay, I’m not walking. Finish but don’t jump, please” I was so worried. I didn’t want her to jump. I just needed to save her. I didn’t know that the effect of her jump would hurt so many people.
Her eyes narrowed at me as she said, “Alright, as long as you don’t move, I won’t jump.” I nodded my head but didn’t move. She continued as if nothing happened. “My mom never paid me any attention, nor did she care. No hugs or kisses. No hellos or goodbyes. Not even one I love you.” Her eyes were tearing up and she looked away from me.
There was a rumble in the distance and I knew a car was passing. It didn’t slow or stop but kept going. I couldn’t tell if the person didn’t care or didn’t see. I was still looking at Katie when she continued speaking. “My mom was always the type to just let loose, party, and have fun. Her motto was, ‘let’s party till the break of dawn and then party some more’.
“Right about the time I was getting home from school, she would be sending her boyfriend at the time out the door. Sometimes though she wouldn’t be there and the man would. I didn’t know where to go then, because you see I had no friends then. I walked in and I tried to ignore him, but he came in my room and after about the 3rd time of telling him to get out, he reached for me.” She was shivering now. I knew what happened next but the words out of her mouth sent a frightening shiver down my back. “He raped me. I tried screaming but he covered my mouth.”
I gasped, unable to form words that could comfort her. “Katie… I’m so…” She put her hand up to stop me from talking. She didn’t say anything for awhile, but by then tears were already falling from my face.
“Don’t cry for me please. This is actually the first time I’ve ever said it. I couldn’t tell my mother because she wouldn’t have done anything. She couldn’t have, the damage was done. So I left the house, scared, because I didn’t know where I was going to go. I thought about where I felt remotely safe and I went there. Do you know the baseball park over by our school?” I nodded while wiping away the tears which were slowly drying. I had no clue what to say, but even if I did she didn’t give me a chance to talk.
How do you like it? I have more if you would like to read it(:
If you're not happy...then it's not the end
04-19-2010 12:24 AM
It feels a little rushed to me. Is the first paragraph the prologue? Just trying to get a sense of it. If this is the first chapter, I felt a little overwhelmed when I read it. There is just so much information being given and the reader does not even know these characters yet. I think with a little more background information (the characters, their friendship, who they are as people, etc.) that it could work. It's just a lot to take in at the beginning.
04-19-2010 03:37 AM
Well this certianly is very captivating. The story is very interesting, but I did find it a little coincidental she came across her friend.
However, this could easily be a whole story I think. I like it. I mean, a girl is about to commit suicide, and you wonder why. So her friend gets it out of her. I really find that interesting. Her story is the story, correct? I really love that.
Though I do think it could use a little more re-writing, I think the story aspect is dead on, and I love it. I dont think you have to post more (unless you want to, then by all means!) But I suggest you keep going.
04-19-2010 07:37 PM
I agree with KAt-Ne or however you spell her name its a really good well really good sad story(does that make sense?) anyhow it needs more descriptions like when you write about the bridge what exactly happened there? Why is it creepy and stuff? Also don't make it to rehearsed add some unexpected things when Katie and The narrator are speaking to each other. But besides that its your story do what you want or don't with it. But i like it its very interesting.