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smilegeekman
Posts: 11
Registered: ‎08-18-2010
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Death

                                                                Death

 

 

Death is the most terrifying thing but what we all really dread is the ones we love.  Death blinds all light and love. it blocks our path that we follow that we put hope and love into it all the love all the kindness gone your memory is sweet but the thought of them dead is sour.  you try to forget but your memory knocks on the door and the only word you can say about them is gone.  the word stings your lips like a bee stigs a child.  you dry up more than a raisin than you see a new born and you get a little smile your glad you're lost did good.

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Kat-NE
Posts: 1,349
Registered: ‎04-22-2009
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Re: Death

This is so true, and that's why I like it! 

 

I would say that it is a little confusing reading it because the only word capitalized is the first one and the rest of it doesn't really have a lot of punctuation in it.  If I could make any suggestion, it would be to watch your organization.  Maybe even possibly putting it into single lines instead of a paragraph.  I really do like the message though.  I hope that helped.

Distinguished Bibliophile
KathyS
Posts: 6,898
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: Death

[ Edited ]

Death can be such a hard thing to write about, and feelings can run on, and on, and on, until you run out of words to describe those tangled feelings in your heart and mind. 

 

I got those feelings from your poem.  I saw the hurt in that loss.  I felt the love, in that smile.

 

Nice, very nice....giving your feelings isn't easy.

 

Kathy

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smilegeekman
Posts: 11
Registered: ‎08-18-2010
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Re: Death

:smileyhappy:Thank you and I am glad that you liked my poem!

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smilegeekman
Posts: 11
Registered: ‎08-18-2010
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Re: Death

Thank you for your feed back I am sorry you were confused I just get so excited when I finish and I just post it I will make sure I use punctuation.
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BroadwayBabyGB
Posts: 3
Registered: ‎08-13-2010
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Re: Death

AMAZING!!!! Bro u have a future in writing!!!!!:smileywink:

Frequent Contributor
Squid22Syd23
Posts: 43
Registered: ‎07-05-2010
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Re: Death

Great poem! It rocks!! It has to be the best poem I've read

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Brandi_R
Posts: 1,598
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: Death

 


smilegeekman wrote:

                                                                Death

 

 

Death is the most terrifying thing but what we all really dread is the ones we love.  Death blinds all light and love. it blocks our path that we follow that we put hope and love into it all the love all the kindness gone your memory is sweet but the thought of them dead is sour.  you try to forget but your memory knocks on the door and the only word you can say about them is gone.  the word stings your lips like a bee stigs a child.  you dry up more than a raisin than you see a new born and you get a little smile your glad you're lost did good.


Nice work. You capture the intensity of emotion well. I appreciate the imagery--the stinging lips, dried up like a raisin. In addition to punctuation and other grammatical concerns, do pay attention to clarity of language. The first sentence says we dread the ones we love. What you probably meant to say is that the deaths we most dread are those of the ones we love.

 

letterpressfiction.blogspot.com
Inspired Scribe
_mOonSeeKer_
Posts: 700
Registered: ‎06-15-2009
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Re: Death

This is a great poem! It has a lot of emotions in it. I think you used good descriptive words. Good job!

 

I have one suggestion though. Could you write it the way most  (if not all) poems are written? And sometimes you forgot to put periods/punctuations. It's kind of distracting. That's all.

 

I love your poem! Keep up the good work! :smileyhappy:

http://whisperinglostwords.blogspot.com