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Contributor
ToriSky16
Posts: 19
Registered: ‎07-22-2009

First Poem Revised

I didn't preview the poem before I posted it last time and it lumped all the words into a big paragraph, with no formatting. So here is the revised version.

 

I have never written a poem before, so I don't know if you would even consider this a poem, or even if it's any good or complete junk. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I wrote it in the middle of the night.

 

Worth

 

Walking through this world alone

Though always surrounded by people

Life has become a lonely road

A path that seems to run the same course

Time flies by, though you stand still

Watching memories fade

You can’t erase those etched in stone

The scars still run deep

The wounds do not heal

You still remain

 

Dancing to the beat of life

Smiles from ear to ear

Keeping the world from your inner torment

You reach to hold her near

The world seems a little brighter in that moment

Though feelings are bittersweet

There is good and bad in this embrace

He and she are ever connected

Hatred and love

You still remain

 

Your world is crashing

You’re spinning through your thoughts

History repeats itself and the wounds begin to fester

You hold the strength left inside your soul

You stand your guard

This time you will not falter

You still remain

 

But this time is different

This time is harder

There is more at stake this time around

He plays the game well, for he knows you in entirety

You begin to falter

Your grasp is slipping

Strength is weakening

Control is fading

You falter

You are alone

You do not remain

 

I see you in your moment of weakness

You do not see me

I am there for you

The strength you cannot find

If only you could see through my eyes

 You falter so simply

You are worth so much more than that

You are not alone, for I am here for you

With me, you can remain

 

Wordsmith
Zack_Kullis
Posts: 235
Registered: ‎02-27-2009
0 Kudos

Re: First Poem Revised

Tori,

 

I enjoyed reading your poem.  The feelings within the poem struck many chords with me.  One of the sets of lines that I enjoyed was;

 

"Keeping the world from your inner torment

You reach to hold her near"

 

You mentioned that there was good and bad in this embrace, and I thought it fit in nicely. 

 

 

Sic volvere Parcas...
New User
Mercy_Mercedes_95
Posts: 4
Registered: ‎07-22-2009
0 Kudos

Re: First Poem Revised

wow this is an amazing poem..I've been writing my whole life and have never written anything near this good. You should keep writing because I think you have a real knack for it. I'd love to hear more! :smileyhappy:
{Girl with the Broken wing}
Inspired Wordsmith
Pennley_Love
Posts: 300
Registered: ‎04-30-2009
0 Kudos

Re: First Poem Revised

I am sick of depressing poems. I am done writing them, and I don't enjoy reading them. I like dark, but not sad. Sorry.
Sincerely Yours,
Penn
Inspired Scribe
_mOonSeeKer_
Posts: 700
Registered: ‎06-15-2009
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Re: First Poem Revised

now that is MUCH better..*nodding* :smileyhappy:
http://whisperinglostwords.blogspot.com