05-30-2010 03:37 PM
So this is part three of Halfling. Tell me what you think viewers
Unpublished Rights Reserved to Valerie M.
06-02-2010 04:28 AM
OK, i know i've said this before..but WOW!
Your story is really good. If you finished it, you should publish it.
And Keith is a werewolf?? wow
hope you post more. i can't wait to read part 4.
06-02-2010 03:58 PM - edited 06-02-2010 04:00 PM
Great story! I like how you have the different points of view from your characters. I can't wait to read more.
07-21-2010 11:54 PM
Hello i was wondering where is the first part of your story because i can not find it any way, and i write stories also are you just suppose to post it on here.
07-21-2010 11:59 PM
Hey you guys, i'm a writer, and ive wrote a book, and i wondering if yall could give me some feed back on it. My ister says its great, but i wanted someone else point of view. Please be gentle. If you dont like it, dont be mean. I am very sensitive Here goes....
I’m lying on this itchy and very uneven cot, starring at the ceiling fan. I felt like I was going to die from the lack of air the fan was providing to me. I heard a knock at the door. Was it Tuesday again, is it time for my daily crazy shot. How was I suppose to know, they don’t give you calendars in this place. I heard the jingle of keys and the door slowly open. There was a different man, who usually takes me the the room to receive my shot.
“What happen to Ted?” I asked the new man.
“Why does it matter to you, anyway?” He said. He roughly pulled me up by my arm. Then proceeded to take me to the room. The other crazy people in the their rooms started whispering about me.
“ How long has she been here?”
“She should be dead by now, look at her.”
“Today is the day, today is her last day.” The new guy told them all to shut up, and they all went back to doing whatever they were doing at first.
We made it to the Room, and he open it up.
“You know what to do.” He told me. I went to the operating table and layed down on it. He started to put me in my restraints, and then he left. I quickly learned that if you do what they told you to do: it’ll be over quickly. Besides it was my fault that they started to give me shots. I wouldn’t take the little yellow pill they gave me. So of course they had to think of another way to give it to me, and a shot was the first thing that came to their mind.
This has been happening over two months now, or at least I think its two months. Each time on the table, I always start to remember, how did I end up here. Why did they put me here in Tavins House of The Confused, or THoTC, or The Crazy house for short? Did I really deserve to be put in here? My adoptive family, thought it would be best since I almost killed their son, with icicles. And since it was summer not winter, everyone including me wonder where did they come from. I’m not saying im innocent, bcause that’s a lie, I did what I did. But I still don’t understand how I did it. I remember he was looking in my stuff and he broke a figureine, my mom gave me. I also remember there being a tall glass of water on the dresser. Then I lifted my hands and pointed at him, and out of no where three large icicle were pinning him to the wall. When I look at the glass of water it was empty. Then shortly after that they put me in here.
The docter came in too give me my shot. Each time I see him I get the chills, the guy creeps me out. Today he gave me two shots, why I don’t know, usually I just get one. When he finishes he throws the shots in waste bin, washes his hands, and walks to the door. Before he leaves he smiles at me. Okay, like I said he was too creepy for words. An hour past, and I was still on the examing table. Usually after I get my shot, they throw me back in my room, literally. But to day they just left me here. The medicine was starting to kick in and it was making me sleepy. Which didn’t make sense, usually it give me a headache, and then I get all nauseous and stuff. But it never make me sleepy. Then I remember what they were saying the hallway. Was they really trying to kill me, is today my last day. I trying moving but I was still tied down by the restraints. Then an alarm went off, my room starts flashing red. Then I remember when one of the patients, try to escaped, the alarm went on. Was someone else trying to escape? The intercome comes on, “This is not a drill, I repeat this is not a drill, there is a security breach.” Wait was someone trying to get in. “ There heading to room SAC432.” Wait I’ve seen that number before, SAC432, wasn’t that this room. I slowly lift my head up, and try to look at the door number. My vision is a little blurred, but the room number was SAC432. Someone was breaking in the room I was in. The alarm got louder, then it stopped completely. The room lights are turned off completely. So took make matters worse, I m pinned down to a table, someone is possibly trying to come in here to um kill me, and its dark so I will never see who did it, great.
I feel someone pulling on my legs. I start screaming. Then the lights come back on, and theres this black guy who looks close to my age, undoing the straps on my legs. I was so scare, I didn’t know if I should scream or what. Chances were I would die anyway, either by him or them here. I was kind of hoping on the medicine to get the job done for me, that way it would be fast and quick. The guy walked up to my arms and unbuckled them. He help me sat up and then we just starred at each other. He pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. He slowly started reading from it, like he couldn’t read or something.
“Hello… I’m here to save you today… um if you come with me you’ll be among people of your own kind…Do you agree to come with me?” I wantd to say have you lost your damn mind, I don’t know you. But then the door knob started to turn, and I knew if he didn’t kill me they would, so I agred to go with him, ill figure the rest out when I’m out of this place. He took my hand, and he told me to close my eyes. I did and when I opened them, we were outside the House. How did that happen? I started looking around me, to make sure that I wasn’t losing it. It’s the medicine they gave you, its making you see stuff. That what I told my self, because there was no way in hell, we were outside when we were inside. I slowly let go of his hand, then I backed up. I see two more figures coming up beside him. I made up my mind I was going to run into the woods, where I would find help. But that change when I heard a male voice speak to me.
07-22-2010 12:28 AM
First of all, welcome to the board!
I think that your story has a lot of potential and I like your writing style. I like that you don't really say where she is, but you kind of figure out the situation from reading it. I did think that there was a little organization issue when the character went into the flashback. I think it just needs a little work on the transition from present to past. Other than some typos (you'll probably notice it when you read it again) I think it's a great start!
For future, on the main Writing Room page, there is a green New Message button near the top of the page that you click. That will give you your own page where you can title and post your work.
07-22-2010 06:02 PM
Okay thanks. You right there was alot of errors, i did notice after reading it again. Oh and yea i saw where the new message button was at. Thanks again for your input, i just wanted to make sure people would actually read the book, you know.