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Matrix5554
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Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on this

--CHAPTER 1-- The silence was deafening as Mr. Spencer rolled around on top of his queen sized bed like a baby doped up on cocaine; his glazed, haggard eyes once again sought his slightly effeminate fuchsia walls; I could tell he hadn’t slept in days; and the epileptically rhythmic pulsations of his dripping wet segments that one calls a body just left a certain foul stench in my mouth; I could smell he was up to something; but I was not quite aware of the specifics. The greasy man just continued to silently writhe around on his royal spot of habitation, and so I waited for him to finish. No sense in intruding into a vermin’s natural habitat when you haven’t been properly inoculated. I pleasantly seated myself in a stationary wooden chair opposite the queen sized bed. While my divine eyes had observed his antics, they completely overlooked his fantastically dull lighting selection. There was only one type – dim, I believe, is the correct term. How am I possibly supposed to enter this dungeon he calls a master bedroom when I can only view him in one light? Different shades are needed to accentuate different aspects of his pathetic existence. Mr. Spencer received his MD from Harvard Medical School. I think that’s in Boston, but who knows? All I know is that I can smell a rat anywhere even when it’s a worm. I smelled a rat once you know. I distinctly remember the heavenly scent of lilacs and the wondrously downy fur coat he wore to keep warm – nothing compared to the noxious effluvium coming from that disagreeable specimen in the queen sized bed. These walls really need to go. They’re just so tacky. What kind of man paints his room fuchsia? I pondered that eternal question while Mr. Spencer continued his audition as a contortionist. His flailing became so violent that he smacked the ivory light switch and snapped up in bed. Oh. The walls are maroon. “Huh? What? Who’s there?” howled Spencer. “Garrett! Garrett! Calm down, it’s just me,” I smoothly replied. “Who?” “Me.” This imbecile obviously didn’t remember me after his little tirade. I don’t think I’m that forgettable; who doesn’t remember their own psychiatrist? I’m probably the only person this loner has. His mental health, if I’m even entitled to call it that, has deteriorated. Animals don’t have emotional needs, but he’s lucky I’m generous enough to make house calls. Most in my profession would do no such thing, but my benevolence far outweighs my desire to conform. I supposed it was time for his daily bath, so I figured I’d take him out back and give him a hosing down. The little mutt reeked of solitude and fear as I removed his muzzle. I wonder how he learned to talk through it. Perhaps that’s how he spent all those hours rolling around in his bed like an idiot. I told him that I brought his medication – yes, one of the most celebrated abilities of the psychiatrist. And don’t you dare call me a psychologist; that’s the same as calling a police officer a detective. Now, in my case, I do both. I make sure my patients don’t harm themselves by prescribing appropriate medication, and I also probe the fiery depths of the hellish natures of their pasts.
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topublish
Posts: 17
Registered: ‎07-10-2007
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Re: I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on this

Hi there,

I thought it was good in the sense that it's not the usual fantasy or abstract writing that I see so often. It had a bit more clarity than most stuff I see on these websites, and I thought there was a nice bit of color in your prose.

Opportunities: 1) "The silence was deafening" - a cliche. I'd replace it with something no one has ever read.

2) "rythmic pulsations of his dripping wet segments" - strikes me as a mouthful; slowed me down; all the syllables makes the reading difficult. I think being a literary stylist is important and it defines your voice, but at the end of the day, the emphasis of writing is not in how you say it, it's what you have to say and did you say it simply with high-impact clarity that presents a much bigger image than the few, well-chosen words you used to say it. Other excerpts that I thought were over the top were: "noxious effluvium coming from the disagreeable speciman...," "pondered that eternal question...," etc. Try hard to simplify. Compare Hemingway's writing to Faulkner's and you'll see the difference I'm talking about.

3) I'm not sure if the presentation of your material is meant to be one big paragraph. I'd recommend you break it up. Readers get intimidated when they see such a huge, dark blob of words on the page. Maybe it's just the formatting of the website.

4) Lastly, I think a little more action here in the beginning of your book might help hook the reader better.

Keep it going! You're on your way!
New User
Matrix5554
Posts: 4
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on this

Thanks for your comments. I made a few revisions. It's not a block of text in the .doc file; it just formatted that way for some reason. I don't usually write with that bombastic style, but I did here to show how much of an idiot the narrator really is. I realized it was a bit overkill so I toned it down a bit. Any comments on this revised version would be greatly appreciated.
--
It was silent as Mr. Spencer rolled around on top of his queen sized bed like a baby doped up on cocaine; his glazed, haggard eyes once again sought his slightly effeminate fuchsia walls; I could tell he hadn’t slept in days; and the epileptic pulsations of his dripping wet segments that one calls a body just left a certain foul stench in my mouth; I could smell he was up to something; but I was not quite aware of the specifics.
The greasy man just continued to silently writhe around on his royal spot of habitation, and so I waited for him to finish. No sense in intruding into a vermin’s natural habitat when you haven’t been properly inoculated. I pleasantly seated myself in a stationary wooden chair opposite the queen sized bed. While my divine eyes had observed his antics, they completely overlooked his fantastically dull lighting selection. There was only one type – dim, I believe, is the correct term. How am I possibly supposed to enter this dungeon he calls a master bedroom when I can only view him in one light? Different shades are needed to accentuate different aspects of his pathetic existence.
Mr. Spencer received his MD from Harvard Medical School. I think that’s in Boston, but who knows? All I know is that I can smell a rat anywhere even when it’s a worm. I smelled a rat once you know. I distinctly remember the heavenly scent of lilacs and the wondrously downy fur coat he wore to keep warm – nothing compared to the ghastly odor coming from that disagreeable specimen in the queen sized bed.
These walls really need to go. They’re just so tacky. What kind of man paints his room fuchsia? I pondered that eternal question while Mr. Spencer continued his audition as a contortionist. His flailing became so violent that he smacked the ivory light switch and snapped up in bed. Oh. The walls are maroon.
“Huh? What? Who’s there?” howled Spencer.
“Garrett! Garrett! Calm down, it’s just me,” I smoothly replied.
“Who?”
“Me.” This imbecile obviously didn’t remember me after his little tirade. I don’t think I’m that forgettable; who doesn’t remember their own psychiatrist? I’m probably the only person this loner has. His mental health, if I’m even entitled to call it that, has deteriorated. Animals don’t have emotional needs, but he’s lucky I’m generous enough to make house calls. Most in my profession would do no such thing, but my benevolence far outweighs my desire to conform. I supposed it was time for his daily bath, so I figured I’d take him out back and give him a hosing down. The little mutt reeked of solitude and fear as I removed his muzzle. I wonder how he learned to talk through it. Perhaps that’s how he spent all those hours rolling around in his bed like an idiot. I told him that I brought his medication – yes, one of the most celebrated abilities of the psychiatrist. And don’t you dare call me a psychologist; that’s the same as calling a police officer a detective. Now, in my case, I do both. I make sure my patients don’t harm themselves by prescribing appropriate medication, and I also probe the fiery depths of their pasts.
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topublish
Posts: 17
Registered: ‎07-10-2007
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Re: I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on this

Hi there,

First, let me congratulate you taking my harsh, direct advice as well as you did. That tells me you're going to succeed.

I thought this version was much better. Your sentences had a good rhythm to them and the multi-syllabic words didn't get in the way as they did last time. This version is definitely going in the direction that I think good prose should go (of course, my opinion according to my particular tastes). Again, I believe simpler is better. Even this version could stand having a few more words pared down to one syllable; you'd be amazed at the hypnotic hold the text as a whole will have on the reader.

I can see real talent in your writing. As long as you ruthlessly keep it simple and clear, and as long as you strive mightily to show rather than tell, you're going to succeed (if you haven't already).

If you'd like to take a few shots at my writing, you'll find an excerpt of a short story I wrote and posted on this website (it's a few lines down from your posting). You'll see the author listed as (you guessed it) "topublish"; my comment line is something on the order of "Excerpt from short story; would love to hear opinions...Thanks!" I'd appreciate it if you could give me your thoughts on it. Again, what you'll see is only the first 15% of the story.

All thanks...
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topublish
Posts: 17
Registered: ‎07-10-2007
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Re: I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on this

Oh, BTW, always put your adverb after your verb. So instead of writing "I smoothly replied," write: "I replied smoothly." Some people like to leverage their "poetic license" and if that's what you're doing here, then that's fine. But that's the usual grammatical rule.

Best...
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contessadetroy
Posts: 10
Registered: ‎06-08-2007
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Re: I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on this

It's definately got some serious potential. You use an aweful lot of 50 cent words though. Alot of describing words, too. I'd ditch about half of those big words and leave some of the describing to the imagination of the reader. Don't worry so much if they won't see it exactly as you pictured it, because you'd be surprised at how much they will get with just a few discriptions. Still, I admire your attention to detail and your attempts to get it through. It's always a fine line between vividness and wordiness. Anyway, I don't know where you're going with this, but I hope you keep at it.
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Matrix5554
Posts: 4
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on this

Thanks for all the great feedback. I decided to finish the chapter, so I would love some feedback on this next segment as well. Thanks again.
--
It was silent as Mr. Spencer rolled around on top of his queen sized bed like a baby doped up on cocaine; his glazed, haggard eyes once again sought his effeminate fuchsia walls; I could tell he hadn’t slept in days; and the epileptic pulsations of his dripping wet segments that one calls a body just left a certain foul stench in my mouth; I could smell he was up to something; but I was not quite aware of the specifics.
The greasy man just continued to silently writhe around on his royal spot of habitation, and so I waited for him to finish. No sense in intruding into a vermin’s natural habitat when you haven’t been properly inoculated. I pleasantly seated myself in a stationary wooden chair opposite the queen sized bed. While my divine eyes had observed his antics, they completely overlooked his fantastically dull lighting selection. There was only one type – dim, I believe, is the correct term. How am I possibly supposed to enter this dungeon he calls a master bedroom when I can only view him in one light? Different shades are needed to accentuate different aspects of his pathetic existence.
Mr. Spencer received his MD from Harvard Medical School. I think that’s in Boston, but who knows? All I know is that I can smell a rat anywhere even when it’s a worm. I smelled a rat once you know. I distinctly remember the heavenly scent of lilacs and the wondrously downy fur coat he wore to keep warm – nothing compared to the ghastly odor coming from that disagreeable specimen in the queen sized bed.
These walls really need to go. They’re just so tacky. What kind of man paints his room fuchsia? I pondered that eternal question while Mr. Spencer continued his audition as a contortionist. His flailing became so violent that he smacked the ivory light switch and snapped up in bed. Oh. The walls are maroon.
“Huh? What? Who’s there?” howled Spencer.
“Garrett! Garrett! Calm down, it’s just me,” I replied smoothly.
“Who?”
“Me. I brought your medication.” This imbecile obviously didn’t remember me after his little tirade. I don’t think I’m that forgettable; who doesn’t remember their own psychiatrist? I’m probably the only person this loner has. His mental health, if I’m even entitled to call it that, has deteriorated. Animals don’t have emotional needs, but he’s lucky I’m generous enough to make house calls. Most in my profession would do no such thing, but my benevolence far outweighs my desire to conform. I supposed it was time for his daily bath, so I figured I’d take him out back and give him a hosing down. The little mutt reeked of solitude and fear as I removed his muzzle. I wonder how he learned to talk through it. Perhaps that’s how he spent all those hours rolling around in his bed like an idiot. I told him that I brought his medication – yes, one of the most celebrated abilities of the psychiatrist. And don’t you dare call me a psychologist; that’s the same as calling a police officer a detective. Now, in my case, I do both. I make sure my patients don’t harm themselves by prescribing appropriate medication, and I also probe the fiery depths of their pasts.
There’s no use probing on an empty stomach, so I made sure that Mr. Spencer’s digestive system was quite full, of pills that is. Isn’t he adorable when he’s sleeping? I think so. Just like an angel – I can practically see wings and a halo sprouting around him. I didn’t want to be too overprotective, so I gave him his privacy. I flicked the ivory light switch down and left the master bedroom. Oh my, what a lovely spiral staircase! It’s not too common to see such fine architecture in these colonials.
The contemporary kitchen starkly contrasted with the historic nature of the rest of the house, but at least it provided something to fill my empty digestive system. “Tisk, tisk, Mr. Spencer, you never clean up after yourself!” I thought as I stepped over his feeding dish and bowl of water on the floor. I decided against punishing him this time. One can only progress so fast in therapy, but I’m one of the best. All of my colleagues thought so.
He has a computer in the kitchen too? What has he been up to lately? He must have been surfing the internet; apparently it’s all the rage these days. I briskly glided over to the black leather swivel chair next to it, switched it on and waited for it to load. Oh my, it’s password-protected. Well, a good psychiatrist needs to know what his patient has been up to. It must be my duty to guess. Hmm… what is it? If I were Mr. Spencer, what would my password be…I typed in asdfklj35 and it miraculously worked!
Now I can finally surf the internet! My parents never took me to the ocean as a child, but here was my chance. I grabbed a board, tucked it under my arm, and ran across the soft, silky sand toward the turquoise-netted water. The sun was beating down on me just like I planned to do to Mr. Spencer later on today. I plunged into the porous water, which oddly looked like fencing, only the links were made of strings of water. The whole ocean was full of water fences rising and falling, exposing their fluidity to the rest of the world. I looked up at the sky, which was a color I had never seen before, something out of the spectrum of human vision. It’s so hard to imagine being able to see a color outside the rainbow. Our brains simply cannot comprehend their existence. It would be so different it might blind us. Good thing I wore my sunglasses.
I hit the waves hard, and they hit me right back. They were, after all, like a fence, which I’m sure you know really hurts when you walk into one. I could have ridden those forever! My balance on the board was impeccable, if I do say so myself. Now I saw why so many people are hooked on the internet. I somehow managed to pull myself away from my newfound addiction so that I could tend to my patient. Those pills should have taken effect by now.
ABI
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ABI
Posts: 2,577
Registered: ‎07-19-2007
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Re: I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on this

Wow! I was surprised, honestly,a lack of sleep has attributed to my attention span recently, but maybe it was the half an hour nap I took after picking up my brother from school, but I found it easy to finish your writing without drifting unconsciously into the depths of my mind.
I don't think it needs more action at all; in fact, the lack of it actually intrigued me. But your uncondensed version was a great step up from the original Ithink, keep writing!

---ABI
"There is nothing easier than self-deceit."
"Bombing for peace is like f***ing for virginity"
"There is no such thing as death, only the absence of life."
"There is no end, unless you let it."
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HoplessRomantic
Posts: 94
Registered: ‎08-03-2007
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Re: I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on this

Sorry, I did not finish it...
I would like you to break it up with paragraphs. It happens to all of us. We get something great going and it flows out in one LONG paragraph. I did this in my first english class in college. It was not an essay or anything just a little open answer question. I was horrified to see my work return to me with a glaring F.
Never again!
Paragraphs should contain approx 5-8 sentences.
I liked what I read it reminded me of Kafka's Metamophosis.
Happy writing
Love,
Aspen
â It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.â Said by Mrs. Bennet in Jane Austens Pride and Prejudice
New User
Matrix5554
Posts: 4
Registered: ‎10-19-2006
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Re: I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on this

Maybe you should scroll down, Hopless Romantic. I didn't write it as one paragraph, it just posted that way. I fixed it in a later post.