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Thiorne
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Registered: ‎07-24-2007
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Input needed.

[ Edited ]
First chapter of a fiction novel I'm writing. Could use some input on it. Thanks!


____________________-
She lay there, unconscious on the damp floor of the cavern. The air was thick with the scent of battle and freshly spilt blood. The acidic nature of her surroundings burnt her flesh, but she lay unaware. Suddenly, a large explosion sounded in her ears and she awoke.

"Where am I? How did I get here?" she spoke softly, just a fraction above a whisper. She noticed she was alone, but the fact didn't linger in her mind for very long.

Her right arm ached. A large gash in her forearm called for her immediate attention. She reached inside the pack at her waist and gathered a few things together. A silk wrap, some ointment and a few twigs of vine to bind it with. When finished she turned her attention to her surroundings. The cavern was dark, and she realized, she must be underground. How far, she was uncertain. The ceilings were high and the area was large. Tunnels seems to branch in every direction. There were huge indentations in the walls, as if someone had launched a boulder at it. The air stung her nostrils with the stench of decay. A battle had just occurred in this cavern, she was certain.

The floor was littered with the corpses of small rodents, obvious prey for whatever creatures lurked in this place. Large jagged stones erupted from the floors alongside the frame of the room. More explosions sounded in her ears and were starting to give her a headache. The walls were covered with filth, a mixture of blood and something else. She spent a while examining the mixture. She rubbed it between her fingers. It seemed oily, and greasy. She wiped her hands off on her leggings. A glinting in the darkness immediately caught her eye. Letting curiosity get the best of her, she walked towards the small light. It seemed to faintly pulse, as if calling her to it. When she reached it, the light dimmed for a second, then seemed to burn out. She moved the small rocks, and brushed away the dirt and pebbles that covered it.

A locket.

Examining the finely crafted item, she tried to open it, to no avail. It was gold, with a large "N" engraved on the front. Large for a piece of jewelry and shaped like a dragon. The details were spectacular. Two rubies were encrusted on the head of the creature representing eyes, and gave it an eerie aura. The scales of the serpent were so detailed it astonished her. It looked as if the small serpent had done battle of its own. There were scales missing, some that looked broken. Not an easy feet to create on a locket of pure gold. The black talons of the serpent looked extremely sharp. To her touch she realized they were. The mouth was open and it looked as if it were ready to send a shower of flame erupting from its throat at any moment. The pointed teeth of the monster, she grazed with her fingertips, and it sent a small droplet of blood flowing from her index finger. She was terribly horrified and intensely intrigued by the locket at the same time.Not knowing why, she placed it around her neck. It burned when it touched her skin, seemed to glow for a second, then faded.

Her stomach growled with a fierceness that made her turn all of her attention to what she could possibly scrounge up to eat. She walked back to the larger pack she had noticed near her when she awoke. As she pulled things from the bag, she noticed she didn't recognize anything it contained.

"Is this bag even mine?" she thought, as she pulled out a small mirror. It was silver, not extraordinary in any way, except for the reflection she saw staring back at her. She couldn't sense why, but she felt she was different. Her black hair and dark skin peered back at her, and she noticed more wounds on her forehead and cheeks. There was one large gash on her forehead, and many small scratches on her cheeks. As if someone had clawed at her before disappearing and leaving her there to die. The blood had dried but still appeared caked and cracked from the time she had spent unconscious. But she was too hungry to worry about that now. She pulled out something that looked edible, perhaps a bread of some sort. Taking a bite, she realized it was terribly dry and reached for something to quench her thirst. She pulled a small flask from the pack and drank for what seemed like hours. The heat of the cavern was uncanny, she thought, for being so damp.

The pain in her stomach subsided, but she still ate hungrily while she continued to scrounge thru the pack that lay at her side. Tiny bottles with glowing liquids, pouches with ashes, bone fragments...

"Whoever owned this pack", she thought, "Had some very strange hobbies!"

Opening a compartment on the side of the leather bag, she retrieved a rather large pouch. It was a deep blood red and contained something. A book. Nothing like she had ever remembered seeing before. When she touched it, it felt like a living thing. Its pages were torn and weathered. The language it was written in she could not understand. The bindings of the book were simple. Brown, and bound with a red ribbon to keep the pages from falling out. It was obviously very old. She tucked it carefully back inside the pouch for safekeeping.

Next she pulled out a robe, finely tailored. It was the most unimaginable color of crimson she had ever seen. It felt like velvet but could've been silk it was so soft. Sewn into the back of the garment was a very interesting design. It looked as if the thread it was embroidered with had been fine strands of gold. Her fingertips traced the pattern for a moment. "This must've taken a very long time to craft. Surely expensive, why would its owner leave it here in this revolting cavern?" she said. She decided to change her own clothes. "Obviously, whoever left this behind wont be coming back for it", she thought as she glanced at the walls once more and the blood that covered them. "I should hate for it to rot in the dampness of this place", she mused.

The robe fit unbelievably well. Much better than the rags she had been adorned in before, which consisted of a blood stained tunic and a pair of rather dark black leggings, perhaps leather. They both were torn so horrendously that the robe she had discovered became even more appealing. The robe seemed to hug her in all of the right places. The V neck pattern trimmed her shoulders before coming up into an angled collar that seemed to wrap around her head. The robe was floor length and she had to lift the bottom to walk in it. The sleeves were tight fitting around her arms, but opened up and flowed to the ground when it reached her wrists. The front of the robe was in fact much like a dress, except a rectangular shape was cut in the front from the floor to right above her knees. Making it simple for her to run should she need to. She retrieved the flask from her pack and cleaned herself up, finally tending to the wounds on her face and elsewhere. When she glanced in the mirror once more, what she saw was dazzling. It was as if the robe had been made for her. It fit perfectly and looked perfect on her. She swiftly glanced at her own clothing lying on the ground and decided to keep it. “It could be useful later for bandages”, she thought. She tore the old outfit into long strips and placed them into the pack.

She couldn't tell what time of day it was, so she decided it best to pack up and venture out of this place. The heat alone would kill her if she stayed too long. She grabbed the pack and slung it over her shoulder. She lifted the small silver mirror to put it in the pack when she saw her reflection once more. . .

She became terribly frightened all of a sudden. Her bright swirling silver eyes seemed to be telling her something from the other side of the mirror. The reflection was not one she recognized. Screams welled up in her chest but she was unable to make a sound. Her lungs constricted and she found herself unable to draw breath. A dizzying feeling overwhelmed her as she fell silently to the dampness beneath her. The contents of the pack tumbled out and scattered themselves amongst the remains on the cavern floor. The mirror hit the ground and shattered.

Her past worries had been about where she was, what time of day it had been and how she would escape the sweltering heat of the cavern. This was replaced with a much more urgent concern when she awoke a few moments later.

". . . I don't know who I am". The total realization of what she said stabbed her like a thousand knives.


___________________


If you'd like to continue reading, private message me for my email address. I would love a few readers to toss ideas around with.

Message Edited by Thiorne on 07-24-2007 03:35 PM
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historybuff234
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Registered: ‎02-08-2007
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Re: Input needed.

I liked it, but there were things that made me want to stop reading it. Not to be super-critical of you, in fact people say the same thing about my work. Put some more detail into it, I wasn't completely sure about what the cavern was like inside. It's odd, but I can't really find what I didn't like about it besides that.

I'm just wondering, what is your book about?

Good job though! And keep up the good work!
The important thing, is to keep the important thing the important thing.
-Albert Einstein
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Thiorne
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎07-24-2007
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Re: Input needed.

[ Edited ]
To make a long story short, no pun intended. It's starting as a fan fic for a game I play called EverQuest 2, though thats just giving me my setting to work with for now. For now it's set in a fantasy world time period, and is about a dark elven necromancer who is slated to marry the king of the "underworld" to put it mildly. But, she lost her memory and is taken in by a wood elf *moral opposites of dark elves*. They fall in love, while the entire dark elf army is out searching for her. The locket plays a giant part in the story as well... along the way she realzies its much more powerful than she originally imagined and is connected to her soul and soul-mate. I originally planned this as a trilogy, but the storyline gets much more complicated as the story goes on. LOL! Way too much to try and describe here.


Its a fan-fic, fantasy, romance type book.


You said you needed to know more about what the cave looked like....hrm....ok I'll work on that. Was there anything else there that was causing you to lose interest?


I should also add, I have roughly 70 typed pages of this written, I was just wanting feedback on the first few chapters to make sure that I'm getting the detail I need. I'm also wanting to make sure I completely capture the reader's attention AND hold it.

Message Edited by Thiorne on 07-24-2007 05:50 PM
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historybuff234
Posts: 536
Registered: ‎02-08-2007
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Re: Input needed.

Okay, nothing else turned me off. I just want to let you know that this isn't the type of book I'd be interested in, just not my cup of tea. Nothing wrong with it, just not something I'd like to read. I'm more of a classics guy. There was another person on here that wrote vampire things. I thought her work was pretty good, but it's just not something that I'd be interested in reading. It's kind of the same thing here. But your work is good. Don't doubt it your work is good!
The important thing, is to keep the important thing the important thing.
-Albert Einstein
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waldorph
Posts: 9
Registered: ‎07-13-2007
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Re: Input needed.



Thiorne wrote:
First chapter of a fiction novel I'm writing. Could use some input on it. Thanks!


____________________-
She lay there, unconscious on the damp floor of the cavern. The air was thick with the scent of battle and freshly spilt blood. The acidic nature of her surroundings burnt her flesh, but she lay unaware. Suddenly, a large explosion sounded in her ears and she awoke.

"Where am I? How did I get here?" she spoke softly, just a fraction above a whisper. She noticed she was alone, but the fact didn't linger in her mind for very long.

Her right arm ached. A large gash in her forearm called for her immediate attention. She reached inside the pack at her waist and gathered a few things together. A silk wrap, some ointment and a few twigs of vine to bind it with. When finished she turned her attention to her surroundings. The cavern was dark, and she realized, she must be underground. How far, she was uncertain. The ceilings were high and the area was large. Tunnels seems to branch in every direction. There were huge indentations in the walls, as if someone had launched a boulder at it. The air stung her nostrils with the stench of decay. A battle had just occurred in this cavern, she was certain.

The floor was littered with the corpses of small rodents, obvious prey for whatever creatures lurked in this place. Large jagged stones erupted from the floors alongside the frame of the room. More explosions sounded in her ears and were starting to give her a headache. The walls were covered with filth, a mixture of blood and something else. She spent a while examining the mixture. She rubbed it between her fingers. It seemed oily, and greasy. She wiped her hands off on her leggings. A glinting in the darkness immediately caught her eye. Letting curiosity get the best of her, she walked towards the small light. It seemed to faintly pulse, as if calling her to it. When she reached it, the light dimmed for a second, then seemed to burn out. She moved the small rocks, and brushed away the dirt and pebbles that covered it.

A locket.

Examining the finely crafted item, she tried to open it, to no avail. It was gold, with a large "N" engraved on the front. Large for a piece of jewelry and shaped like a dragon. The details were spectacular. Two rubies were encrusted on the head of the creature representing eyes, and gave it an eerie aura. The scales of the serpent were so detailed it astonished her. It looked as if the small serpent had done battle of its own. There were scales missing, some that looked broken. Not an easy feet to create on a locket of pure gold. The black talons of the serpent looked extremely sharp. To her touch she realized they were. The mouth was open and it looked as if it were ready to send a shower of flame erupting from its throat at any moment. The pointed teeth of the monster, she grazed with her fingertips, and it sent a small droplet of blood flowing from her index finger. She was terribly horrified and intensely intrigued by the locket at the same time.Not knowing why, she placed it around her neck. It burned when it touched her skin, seemed to glow for a second, then faded.

Her stomach growled with a fierceness that made her turn all of her attention to what she could possibly scrounge up to eat. She walked back to the larger pack she had noticed near her when she awoke. As she pulled things from the bag, she noticed she didn't recognize anything it contained.

"Is this bag even mine?" she thought, as she pulled out a small mirror. It was silver, not extraordinary in any way, except for the reflection she saw staring back at her. She couldn't sense why, but she felt she was different. Her black hair and dark skin peered back at her, and she noticed more wounds on her forehead and cheeks. There was one large gash on her forehead, and many small scratches on her cheeks. As if someone had clawed at her before disappearing and leaving her there to die. The blood had dried but still appeared caked and cracked from the time she had spent unconscious. But she was too hungry to worry about that now. She pulled out something that looked edible, perhaps a bread of some sort. Taking a bite, she realized it was terribly dry and reached for something to quench her thirst. She pulled a small flask from the pack and drank for what seemed like hours. The heat of the cavern was uncanny, she thought, for being so damp.

The pain in her stomach subsided, but she still ate hungrily while she continued to scrounge thru the pack that lay at her side. Tiny bottles with glowing liquids, pouches with ashes, bone fragments...

"Whoever owned this pack", she thought, "Had some very strange hobbies!"

Opening a compartment on the side of the leather bag, she retrieved a rather large pouch. It was a deep blood red and contained something. A book. Nothing like she had ever remembered seeing before. When she touched it, it felt like a living thing. Its pages were torn and weathered. The language it was written in she could not understand. The bindings of the book were simple. Brown, and bound with a red ribbon to keep the pages from falling out. It was obviously very old. She tucked it carefully back inside the pouch for safekeeping.

Next she pulled out a robe, finely tailored. It was the most unimaginable color of crimson she had ever seen. It felt like velvet but could've been silk it was so soft. Sewn into the back of the garment was a very interesting design. It looked as if the thread it was embroidered with had been fine strands of gold. Her fingertips traced the pattern for a moment. "This must've taken a very long time to craft. Surely expensive, why would its owner leave it here in this revolting cavern?" she said. She decided to change her own clothes. "Obviously, whoever left this behind wont be coming back for it", she thought as she glanced at the walls once more and the blood that covered them. "I should hate for it to rot in the dampness of this place", she mused.

The robe fit unbelievably well. Much better than the rags she had been adorned in before, which consisted of a blood stained tunic and a pair of rather dark black leggings, perhaps leather. They both were torn so horrendously that the robe she had discovered became even more appealing. The robe seemed to hug her in all of the right places. The V neck pattern trimmed her shoulders before coming up into an angled collar that seemed to wrap around her head. The robe was floor length and she had to lift the bottom to walk in it. The sleeves were tight fitting around her arms, but opened up and flowed to the ground when it reached her wrists. The front of the robe was in fact much like a dress, except a rectangular shape was cut in the front from the floor to right above her knees. Making it simple for her to run should she need to. She retrieved the flask from her pack and cleaned herself up, finally tending to the wounds on her face and elsewhere. When she glanced in the mirror once more, what she saw was dazzling. It was as if the robe had been made for her. It fit perfectly and looked perfect on her. She swiftly glanced at her own clothing lying on the ground and decided to keep it. “It could be useful later for bandages”, she thought. She tore the old outfit into long strips and placed them into the pack.

She couldn't tell what time of day it was, so she decided it best to pack up and venture out of this place. The heat alone would kill her if she stayed too long. She grabbed the pack and slung it over her shoulder. She lifted the small silver mirror to put it in the pack when she saw her reflection once more. . .

She became terribly frightened all of a sudden. Her bright swirling silver eyes seemed to be telling her something from the other side of the mirror. The reflection was not one she recognized. Screams welled up in her chest but she was unable to make a sound. Her lungs constricted and she found herself unable to draw breath. A dizzying feeling overwhelmed her as she fell silently to the dampness beneath her. The contents of the pack tumbled out and scattered themselves amongst the remains on the cavern floor. The mirror hit the ground and shattered.

Her past worries had been about where she was, what time of day it had been and how she would escape the sweltering heat of the cavern. This was replaced with a much more urgent concern when she awoke a few moments later.

". . . I don't know who I am". The total realization of what she said stabbed her like a thousand knives.


___________________


If you'd like to continue reading, private message me for my email address. I would love a few readers to toss ideas around with.

Message Edited by Thiorne on 07-24-2007 03:35 PM


Your story is interesting but needs work. I understand that the girl does not know who she is. However, you are using she and her way too much. Try to rewrite some of the sentences so that you don't have to use either, or use only one of the two.
Ex.-- end of first paragraph -- There was a huge explosion that startled her to consciousness.
I agree with the other reader in that more descriptive details are needed.
Is there something magical about the flask? "she drank from it for hours"?
Then she uses the contents to bathe.
When she cuts her finger on the locket, say that.

I hope this proves helpful. Again, I believe your story has promise. It just needs some polishing.