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Wordsmith
Zack_Kullis
Posts: 235
Registered: ‎02-27-2009

Intro for a story....

Hi!  Here is an intro for a story that I am working on.  The story is almost finished, but I wanted to get some feedback on the intro.  Please let me know what you think.

 

The void of darkness in the hallway weighed heavily on his shoulders, like a pair of ethereal hands that seemed to push him towards the grotesque light under his mother’s bedroom door.  His bare feet made no noise on the cold wood floor.  Keith took a slow step forward, wanting to call to his mother like he did when he was a small child, but his mouth would not open.  As he approached the door, a quick shadow passed across the pale line of light.  He was too late.  His heart beat wildly and filled his ears with the rhythmic swish of rushing blood.  Keith started to reach for the handle on the door when it began to turn slowly and noisily from the other side.  The door opened and disgorged the sickly light that infested the bedroom. 

 

Large balcony doors stood open to the night, letting in the hoary light.  His mother was sitting on a chair, facing the malevolent night, with her back to her only child.  Keith moved towards his mother like a condemned man that is bound in chains walking to the gallows.  When he was at her right side, she turned her head and looked at him.  They stopped moving at the same time.  For the briefest moment, he saw his mother’s eyes; terrified, alive, and filled with tears.  Then they changed.  They were no longer his mother’s eyes that were once so full of love, mercy, and understanding.  These new eyes were dark and cold.  She tilted her head at an awkward angle with the same indifference as a hawk looking at a dying mouse in its talons.  Her face began to twist and strain, the muscles and tendons in her neck pulled tight, and then she spoke with the sound of a hundred voices, none of which belonged to her.

 

Sic volvere Parcas...
Distinguished Wordsmith
_K3LS3Y_
Posts: 840
Registered: ‎01-20-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

wow that was amazing!! i love it. i'd love to be able to write an intro like that.

You always get your happy ending
If you're not happy...then it's not the end
Wordsmith
Zack_Kullis
Posts: 235
Registered: ‎02-27-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

Thank you Kelsey!!  (it is Kelsey, right?)

 

I apreciate that!  Is there anything that you would change, or that didn't sound right?

Sic volvere Parcas...
Inspired Wordsmith
twilight_fanatic_01
Posts: 1,162
Registered: ‎01-02-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

[ Edited ]

Wow...I wish I could write with such an intense vocabulary! *turns green with envy* The final line gave me chills... Great job! My only complaint (which I don't think qualifies as an actual complaint) is that some of the words you used in your Intro would leave most readers confused, including me, and I know some pretty big words. I suggest trying to simplify your statements into something that the reader wouldn't question.

 

Basically, if you think the person is going to wrinkle their brow and say, "What the heck does 'hoary' mean?" then it probably would be best to change the word.

Message Edited by twilight_fanatic_01 on 07-13-2009 07:38 PM
Wordsmith
Zack_Kullis
Posts: 235
Registered: ‎02-27-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

Thank you for the feedback twilight!!  I will have to go through the story and check to see if I am being too verbose:smileywink:

 

 

Thanks again for your comments!!!!

Sic volvere Parcas...
Inspired Wordsmith
Pennley_Love
Posts: 300
Registered: ‎04-30-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

Wow that was great! It caught my attention and really made me think dark thoughts, lol. I so enjoyed it! Can't wait to read the book:smileyhappy:

Sincerely Yours,
Penn
Distinguished Wordsmith
_K3LS3Y_
Posts: 840
Registered: ‎01-20-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....


Zack_Kullis wrote:

Thank you Kelsey!!  (it is Kelsey, right?)

 

I apreciate that!  Is there anything that you would change, or that didn't sound right?


Yes it is indeed Kelsey:smileyhappy:

 

let me tell you. i'm not a real good critic. So i can't really tell you anything but agree with twilight about the big words.

I thought it was very descriptive and very very good writing. I'd love to write like that one day:smileyhappy:

 

when does the book come out?? hah

You always get your happy ending
If you're not happy...then it's not the end
Wordsmith
Zack_Kullis
Posts: 235
Registered: ‎02-27-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

Kelsey, Twilight, and Penn, I would like to thank you three for the feedback!!!

 

I should be finished with the story in about a month, and will then have some people look at it for me.  Once they have done that, and I have done some final tweaking, I am going to try to find an agent and/or a publisher.  If that doesn't work, I will self-publish.

 

I am really glad that you all liked it, and I hope that others will like it also!!!

 

Thanks again!!!!!

 

 

Sic volvere Parcas...
Correspondent
JamieScott
Posts: 58
Registered: ‎06-13-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

That's beautiful.  The prose is really tight and economical.  I actually like the verbose vocabulary as I am always looking to learn new words and your passage is very poetic.  

 

One line confused me at first

 

"As he approached the door, a quick shadow passed across the pale line of light.  He was too late."

 

I wasn't sure who's shadow it was at first.  Correct me if I am wrong, but I concluded that it was his shadow and it had given away that he was at the door.  However, when I thought about it, since his mother has her back facing the door, the shadow technically would not matter as she wouldn't have seen it unless the point is that in his mind it did matter whether in reality it did or not. 

 

Sorry if I am misinterpreting this, but it was just a small thing that made me pause, though that could be my naivity as a reader rather than faulty writing on your part. 

 

 

 

*****
...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. ~Sylvia Plath
Wordsmith
Zack_Kullis
Posts: 235
Registered: ‎02-27-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

Thank you Jamie, I appreciate that!!  Hmm, I am torn now on what to do with the verbose vocab.

 

Thank you for pointing out that line.  As the author, I know exactly what is going on and I should never assume that the reader can squeeze the intended meaning out of the words.

 

The first part of the story is a dream sequence.  The shadow came from his mother's room, but it was not his mother that cast this shadow.  There are some malevolent beings in the room, and the shadow passing across the light of the door comes from movement within the room.  I need to clarify that line a bit.  How about something like this:

 

"As he approached the door, a quick shadow passed across the pale line of light on the.  This movement from the other side meant only one thing; he was too late."

 

What do you think about that?  Thanks for pointing it out.  Even small things, assumptions or mistakes, which can cause a reader to pause, have a negative impact on the story. 

 

Thanks!!

 

Sic volvere Parcas...
Distinguished Correspondent
marilynpsychic
Posts: 266
Registered: ‎09-20-2008
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Re: Intro for a story....

Very nice, Zack, as usual!

 

Somehow I kept picturing one of the final scenes in the movie "Psycho" ...

 

But seriously, I agree with the other posters.  A very nicely described scene, but a little clarification along the way might make it more powerful, and more directly point to the story to follow. 

 

If you could interject a word like "surreal" or "distorted" in the first paragraph, it would clue in the reader that this is indeed a dream sequence. 

 

If the mother said something to him when she first turns to  look at him, it would break up the description and add some storyline momentum.  (Anything from "I knew I could draw you here.  Again!" to "So you think I've protected you all these years for no reason?")

 

I'm also unclear where the description of the mother is going.  Is she possessed?  Is she a reincarnation of a past evil mother?  (See A.Tross' prologue and first chapter.  Must be Evil Mother season!)

"I'm a writer. I give the truth scope." Chaucer (character) in movie "A Knight's Tale"
Wordsmith
Zack_Kullis
Posts: 235
Registered: ‎02-27-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

Thanks for the feedback Marilyn!!

 

This was just a portion of the intro in the first chapter.  I left out quite a bit.  He wakes up from the dream and recalls the night that his mother had supposedly killed herself.  As it turns out, she had been killed by something that made it looked like it had been a suicide. 

 

The guy is in his early 20's when he has this dream, but he was actually a young child when his mother died.  I will need to put some more touches and finesse into the intro to make it more clear.  I agree with the feedback, the reader should not be left guessing with what is going on.

 

Thanks for the input!!

Sic volvere Parcas...
Correspondent
JamieScott
Posts: 58
Registered: ‎06-13-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

I like how you changed the shadow line to make it more clear.  I didn't realize that it was a dream though.  So I agree to maybe insert the word "surreal" or something or just address it in following paragraphs.  I don't think it necessarily has to be revealed in the first paragraphs, but I haven't read the whole thing yet, so I don't know.  Great writing overall

*****
...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. ~Sylvia Plath
Wordsmith
Raestar15
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎12-14-2008
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Re: Intro for a story....

I thought this was really good. You explained everything in vivid detail. Great work! I'd like to see more of your work.
Zoey:smileyfrustrated:pirit is what makes us unique,what gives us strength,and it is what lives on after our bodies are no more.
~House of Night~

Laurel it if you like it!!!
~Rae
Wordsmith
Zack_Kullis
Posts: 235
Registered: ‎02-27-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

Thank you Raestar15!!  

 

I have received some very productive feedback from the group here, so I was thinking about posting a few other bits and pieces of the same story.  As far as my work goes, do you mean more of this story?

 

Thanks again to everybody that left comments and feedback!!!

 

 

 

Sic volvere Parcas...
Inspired Wordsmith
Pennley_Love
Posts: 300
Registered: ‎04-30-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

Zack- You absolutely HAVE to post what the title is when it is published. Of course I will run (not literally) to B&N and pick up a copy! Your work is great and I cannot wait to read more. Good luck with the publisher/agent thing. Tell them to hurry because your friend Penn is flipping out waiting for the book! LOL!
Sincerely Yours,
Penn
New User
JustaLittleFiction
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎07-17-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

Hi Zack,

 

I love horror and suspense stories and this one was great! All the images were detailed but not overly done. My only suggestion might be to break up the paragraphs into smaller ones. Maybe this is more of a personal preference though. I like to read more concise sentences/paragraphs so if you are the opposite don't change a thing!

Wordsmith
Raestar15
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎12-14-2008
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Re: Intro for a story....

Yes more of this story!!
Zoey:smileyfrustrated:pirit is what makes us unique,what gives us strength,and it is what lives on after our bodies are no more.
~House of Night~

Laurel it if you like it!!!
~Rae
Inspired Scribe
_mOonSeeKer_
Posts: 700
Registered: ‎06-15-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

:smileysurprised:AWESOME!!! It's mystery intrigued me..I LOVED your choice of words ...I can't wait to read it when it's published...

 

 

http://whisperinglostwords.blogspot.com
Distinguished Wordsmith
BeeZnEEz101
Posts: 494
Registered: ‎03-11-2009
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Re: Intro for a story....

In the 1st paragraph you stated that his bare feet made no noise on the cold wood floor maybe you can say instead that His bare feet against the cold wood floor did not   disturb the silence of the room.

 

or something like that but not as lengthy

 

 

and this is very good and I dont believe you should overexplain since this is an intro and you want the audience to read on to find the explanation 

 

the verbose vocab is great and it is indeed a plus I have learned a great deal of new words thanks to you and I think if you make the vocab easier it might take a little something  from the story that makes it so great

 

 

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK:smileyhappy: