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Inspired Wordsmith
random97
Posts: 740
Registered: ‎06-23-2009

'Its all pretend' Criticism and feedback please! im kind of new at this!

how many times has this happened? most of this has happened to me. please please please feedback and criticism!!!!!!!! im an amatuer! 

 

Your parents say they know how you feel,

And they are there for you,

But it all goes through one ear

And out the other

Its all pretend

Just pretend.

 

Your friends say they will call you later

Maybe you can hang out

It is ten at night

The phone hasn't rang

It was all pretend

Just pretend.

 

Your tired of feeling alone

So you act how they want you to

But it is eating at you

It is all pretend

Just pretend.

 

You are stabbed in the back

Let down and hurt

You are falling to pieces

Stitches up in places

You hear your heart break

But what hurts the most

Is that this is the only thing

Thats real.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE feedback and criticism!!!

"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing."
Wordsmith
CaLaMiTyPLeAsE
Posts: 717
Registered: ‎05-05-2009
0 Kudos

Re: 'Its all pretend' Criticism and feedback please! im kind of new at this!

I really really liked the last stanza.

 

Throughout the poem I didnt really feel any emotion, it dabbbed into the last a little though. The foundation was there but it never really dug into the feelings that were suppose to be potrayed. The poems theme is very strong, it's something pretty much everyone will go through in life. So it could be very great, just really grab into the emotions your trying to portray. and maybe not be so literal. but this is just apersonal preference. i like my poems to be  a tad cryptic. just enogh to make the reader really think.

 

maybe try better word diction.

 

also better flow, unless free verse was what you were going for.

 

You have potential! Keep writing!!

 

step through my looking glass at calamityplease.blogspot.com and it'd be ever so thoughtful and kind of you to follow me. :smileywink: Also I have a new contests of sorts on said blog concerning THE VAMPIRE ACADEMY by Richelle Mead. So check it out.
Inspired Wordsmith
random97
Posts: 740
Registered: ‎06-23-2009

Re: 'Its all pretend' Criticism and feedback please! im kind of new at this!


CaLaMiTyPLeAsE wrote:

I really really liked the last stanza.

 

Throughout the poem I didnt really feel any emotion, it dabbbed into the last a little though. The foundation was there but it never really dug into the feelings that were suppose to be potrayed. The poems theme is very strong, it's something pretty much everyone will go through in life. So it could be very great, just really grab into the emotions your trying to portray. and maybe not be so literal. but this is just apersonal preference. i like my poems to be  a tad cryptic. just enogh to make the reader really think.

 

maybe try better word diction.

 

also better flow, unless free verse was what you were going for.

 

You have potential! Keep writing!!

 


how about this?

 

People always say to

'Be yourself'

and 'expess your individuality'

if this is true,

then why is the world so

Artificial? 

 

 

Your parents say they know how you feel,

And that theyre there for you,

'all you need is talk about it, dear'

they say with a cheesy smile

simply to sell it

But really, it all goes through one ear

And out the other.

It was all pretend.

 

 

Your best friend says

he'll call you later

Its midnight

The phone hasn't stirred.

Just another lie.

 

 

You are tired of feeling alone

So you act how everyone wants you to

you wear a disguise

hide yourself

But its eating at you

Youre artificial.

Youre just pretend.

Just a lie.

 

You are stabbed in the back

Let down and hurt

You are falling to pieces

Stitches up in places

You hear your heart break

But what hurts the most

Is that this is the only thing

Thats real.

 

ok not brilliant but a little better?

"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing."
Inspired Scribe
_mOonSeeKer_
Posts: 700
Registered: ‎06-15-2009
0 Kudos

Re: 'Its all pretend' Criticism and feedback please! im kind of new at this!


random97 wrote:

CaLaMiTyPLeAsE wrote:

I really really liked the last stanza.

 

Throughout the poem I didnt really feel any emotion, it dabbbed into the last a little though. The foundation was there but it never really dug into the feelings that were suppose to be potrayed. The poems theme is very strong, it's something pretty much everyone will go through in life. So it could be very great, just really grab into the emotions your trying to portray. and maybe not be so literal. but this is just apersonal preference. i like my poems to be  a tad cryptic. just enogh to make the reader really think.

 

maybe try better word diction.

 

also better flow, unless free verse was what you were going for.

 

You have potential! Keep writing!!

 


how about this?

 

People always say to

'Be yourself'

and 'expess your individuality'

if this is true,

then why is the world so

Artificial? 

 

 

Your parents say they know how you feel,

And that theyre there for you,

'all you need is talk about it, dear'

they say with a cheesy smile

simply to sell it

But really, it all goes through one ear

And out the other.

It was all pretend.

 

 

Your best friend says

he'll call you later

Its midnight

The phone hasn't stirred.

Just another lie.

 

 

You are tired of feeling alone

So you act how everyone wants you to

you wear a disguise

hide yourself

But its eating at you

Youre artificial.

Youre just pretend.

Just a lie.

 

You are stabbed in the back

Let down and hurt

You are falling to pieces

Stitches up in places

You hear your heart break

But what hurts the most

Is that this is the only thing

Thats real.

 

ok not brilliant but a little better?


I think this is much better than the first..good job! :smileyhappy:

http://whisperinglostwords.blogspot.com
Wordsmith
CaLaMiTyPLeAsE
Posts: 717
Registered: ‎05-05-2009

Re: 'Its all pretend' Criticism and feedback please! im kind of new at this!

I love it! Really good job. I really felt the desperation and betrayal. It was really well written good job!! if i could give you more than one laurel i would.
step through my looking glass at calamityplease.blogspot.com and it'd be ever so thoughtful and kind of you to follow me. :smileywink: Also I have a new contests of sorts on said blog concerning THE VAMPIRE ACADEMY by Richelle Mead. So check it out.
Distinguished Wordsmith
BeeZnEEz101
Posts: 494
Registered: ‎03-11-2009
0 Kudos

Re: 'Its all pretend' Criticism and feedback please! im kind of new at this!

try an add more emotion and better vocabulary and more adj and adv

 

 

i feel the last stanza was the best because it actually showed some  emotion