Just a short bit of my story...

[Book_Girl14]

This is a very, very rough draft. Please tell me what you think so far.

Jane shivered in her black cloak and pulled her brother closer to her. She looked around the circle of people wearing black and whispering quietly to each other as the pastor lead people on through a prayer. She swept her gaze up to her mother and father who where not crying but silent with their faces feeling for the people around them. Will still clutched her hand tightly clearly confused.  The funeral was small, not many people knew Mr.. Kellinue only close family came, is what their mother and father said. The children had never really heard of a Mr.. Kellinue themselves, only a few times in the late night when Jane would walk passed her mother and fathers room on her way to the privy and hear them whispering his name. And yet he’d never come for the holidays when most of their fathers and mothers distant family and acquaintances came around. It was strange.

 Looking around none of the people here were recognizable to Jane or Will. The Pastor finished and a man in a long black tailored coat stepped up and eyed the crowed, lifted his right hand, the back of his hand toward the on lookers. The crowed and Jane and Will all did the same. Jane glanced at Will making sure he had all of his fingers together. He did.  Then they all chanted Lebss Eth Yek, a word Jane and Will had known their whole life but do not know the meaning. Only that they were to say it after their meals and before they go to bed.

Everyone filed out of the cemetery and made their way back to their horse drawn wagons. Jane’s mother and father settled in the front of the wagon on the wood bench and Jane and will sat down behind the bench. Mr.. Weston picked up the rains. Just as he was about to move the horses forward a young man a few years older than Jane halted Mr.. Weston. “From Sir Blackwell.” He said. Mr.. Weston nodded to the boy and took the parchment from his hand. Mr.. Weston then opened the folded piece of paper and read it, his eyes moving across the paper. “My answer young chap,” Mr.. Weston replied to the boy. “Is that we shall all be there.” The young man nodded. Mr.. Weston picked up the rains once again and clucked the horse forward. As they passed the boy caught sight of Jane. Shyly she wrapped her cloak closer around her and looked down at her gloved hands. He tipped his hat to her and set off in the direction of the cemetery gates. They arrived home and the stable hands held the horses and helped the women down.

Jane walked up to the old cart horse’s head and set off with the stable boy her age named Sterling. “Do not be long Jane we must prepare for dinner.” Called Mrs.. Weston “Yes mother” Jane said merely out of habit with no meaning to her words. Jane would much rather spend her time in the stable around all her father’s horses. But, that was not looked on as a fine lady’s habit by her family. “You mustn't’t anger your parents Miss Jane you know how cross your father gets when ignore you family duties.” Sterling whispered to Jane in his thick English accent. “Do not to speak to me about ignoring family duties Sterling; I am not the one who ran away from London to be a stable boy for one of the top agrees of freedom for all!” Jane snapped.  “Let us not forget your father is backing the king.” Sterling looked at Jane with a cold stare and said no more. Making Jane instantly sorry for her out burst.  Jane left Sterling to unbridling the cart horse, Umber, as she went in the barn. Jane sucked in the sweet smell of straw, grain and horse. As she walked down the isle she softy petted the velvet nose of each horse until she came to her favorite mare, a horse the color of fresh snow, Pearl. “Hello my Pearl.” Cooed Jane, the horse reaching out blowing softly in to Jane’s face. Jane kissed Pearls soft nose and headed back to the front of the barn. Sterling was just putting Umber away all cooled out and dry. The Westons were going to use s different horse for their ride to Sir Blackwell’s manor.

Jane stood by the stall waiting for the boy to come out. When he did she fell in to step beside him. “I am very sorry for my out burst;” she began “I am just tired of hearing about duties.”  He looked at her than spoke. “I understand, that is why I ran away from my family, I now know it was wrong as I watching you do what you are supposed to because to do not want to hurt your family.” She smiled “Then I am glad we understand. You are my kindest and closest friend, and I do hope you do not choose to return to your family. That may sound cruel, but you are a brother to me and Will.”  Smiling Sterling said, “As I feel the same, come lets not quarrel.”  Holding out is hand, “Come lets shake hands.” Jane lifted her own hand to his and shook his hand. “I must go, my family will be waiting, but I will see you later to night?” She questioned. “Of course you will, I will see you to night then.” He answered. She then realized that they were still holding hands, looking down Sterling quickly let go. “Have a nice time.” Sterling said in a quite voice. “Thank you, but I have no clue how it will go for I do not know anyone.” Said Jane smiling then turned on her heels and sashayed back to the house, leaving Sterling staring after her. 

“Jane please move your hands and stop fussing with your hair.” Sighed Mrs.. Weston.  “I can not mother the pins are hurting my head.” Whined Jane. “Please dear they will settle in a minute.” Pleaded Mrs.. Weston to her fidgeting daughter. Jane sighed and let her hands fall to her sides sucking in a breath as her mother pulled the strings around her waist tighter. “Alright there you are, do you mind tightening mine?” said Mrs.. Weston as she took her stand at the back of the chair. “Yes mother.” Said Jane as she pulled gently on her mothers dress waist strings. Just then there was a knock at the door. “Are you about ready my dears?” Came Mr.. Weston’s deep voice from the other side of the door. “Sterling has Dancer ready.” The women walked to the closet and pulled out their cloaks. Forest green for Jane and red for Mrs.. Weston.

Opening the door reveled Mr.. Weston and Will in their finest coats. The only different in their attire was the small smudge of dirt on Will’s elbow. Both of them had their chin length brown hair pulled back in a black ribbon like sting. “You look beautiful.” Said Mr.. Weston kissing the top of Mrs.. Weston’s head. And she did. Her ebony hair striped here and there with gray. It was now swept up neatly in curly ringlets on top of her head. Jane was also blest with the same midnight hair that made her skin look like flawless porcelain. As they walked out the door Sterling was just coming up with the carriage and Dancer. He stopped the horse and jumped off. “Your carriage Sir.” Mr.. Weston nodded “Thank you” then climbed on to the bench. Sterling helped Mrs.. Weston up, threw Will up then turned to Jane stopping for a minute letting his eyes sweep up her to her bright green eyes. A slight flush came to his face as he held her hand and helped her up. The Westons settled and Mr.. Weston clucked the horse forward.

It was a bumpy and chilly ride to the Blackwell manor. When the Westons finally arrive they were greeted with warm light and soft music spilling from the door way where foot men were gathering coats. After handing off their coats the Westons slowly walked in the hall of dancing people finely dressed. Mr.. Weston and his family made their way of to Sir Blackwell. They all greeted him with a bow and a curtsy. “So glad you could come delightful Weston family.” Said the tall lanky man with a pointy nose. The same man that stepped up in the funeral and said the secret prayer. “As you may know,” he spook again “Mr.. Kellinue left tenpreses for the four garche families, and we will be giving them out when the visitors leave.”

Jane looked to her family waiting for them to explain what Sir Blackwell as talking about and why he did not include the Weston as “visitors”. But they made not move to explain. Finally Sir Blackwell’s scratchy voice broke the silence. “This is my grand nephew Adrian.” He said pulling the young man forward that also delivered the note to Mr.. Weston that morning at the funeral. The boy smiled and bowed politely.

Soon the adults where talking and laughing and Jane and Adrian stood awkwardly across from each other. A old man clearly drunk from the wine stumbled up to Jane and Adrian and shoved them together, “Do not just stand around like trees use your young legs and dance.” He said with a whizzing laugh and shoved the young couple toward the sea of dancing people then turned around and staggered the other direction. His glass spilling red pools in his swaying arm.

“Would you like to dance?”  Adrian asked bowing in front of Jane. She smiled shyly and held out her hand. “Um, yes.” She said and Adrian took her hand and led her closer to the dancing swarm.

Soon the visitors thinned out and Jane and Adrian drifted out to the balcony and watched as the fancy people climbed into there carriages and drove away the small lanterns swaying back and forth as they headed down the lane.

[Kat-NE]

I like the flow of the story so far.  I think that it shows a bit of what Jane is like and her feelings about things.  The one thing I am confused about is Sterling.  When I first started reading, I thought he was an older man, but as I continued, I started to think of him as a younger man.  I think a little more explanation of who he is would clear it up.  I know you don't really have who Jane is explained either, but the Sterling part slowed me down a little.  I like it.

[Book_Girl14]

Okay thanks! You are like the first person to tell me anything productive! Lol. Thank you I will work on that.

Thanks again!