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Correspondent
WriterOfAngels
Posts: 175
Registered: ‎08-09-2009

Kill me later, A little prologue I wrote, let me know what you think!

 Volts of electricity zap through my body, the pain is almost unbearable.  My mind plays tricks, playing through the scenes. Screams fill the room, all pain is real. I grit my teeth, trying to not show any weakness. Still, whimpers escape my mouth. In a few mere minutes, the last parts are done. A bald, black man shuts of the machine, relief fills my face. I then crumple to the ground, I can’t take much more of this, I have to escape, soon. The man then scoops me off the ground like I am a feather, and throws me into a dark room. Sweat drips from my forehead; my elbow’s new wound barely bleeds. I begin to mutter, “You’re a monster.” His bald scalp shines in the dull lighting, “I’ll do anything to get what I need.” I glare, “You don’t need to hold me captive, you don’t need me.” He bangs his fist onto the steel door, “So, I should kill you?”  I curl into a ball and mumble, “No.” You’re fourteen, you are smarter than him! Run away, stay away from this place. Do it Vanessa! My eyes scowl at the man responsible, Gale Mutiny, perfect fit actually. Once he completely sucks everything out of me, he will get rid of me. I will escape once a chance like that comes up to my face.  The hard part, my time may be up sooner than I think.

Write On!

WOA

Kitty will attack anything that moves,
Causing trouble, starting battles just so he can be a part of
He’s the meanest little kitty so we named him Sparta!
~ Mean Kitty Song (smpfilms, I own nothing.)
Distinguished Wordsmith
BeeZnEEz101
Posts: 494
Registered: ‎03-11-2009
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Re: Kill me later, A little prologue I wrote, let me know what you think!

full of emotion and greatly written, but why's the guy gotta be black seriously?

Correspondent
WriterOfAngels
Posts: 175
Registered: ‎08-09-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Kill me later, A little prologue I wrote, let me know what you think!

I dunno, I just decided he would be, It is just how I pictured him. I'm not racist at all if that's what you're thinking, but who am I to change your opinion. I'm sorry if it offended any of you.

 

Write On!

WOA

Kitty will attack anything that moves,
Causing trouble, starting battles just so he can be a part of
He’s the meanest little kitty so we named him Sparta!
~ Mean Kitty Song (smpfilms, I own nothing.)
Distinguished Correspondent
marilynpsychic
Posts: 266
Registered: ‎09-20-2008
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Re: Kill me later, A little prologue I wrote, let me know what you think!

Hi Angel!

 

Some great description, both emotive and visceral.

 

Personally, I'd like to know a little more about the 'why' of this man torturing her, if only a little foreshadowing.  Something like "He could probably see it in my eyes.  I'd never tell him what he wanted to know about his wife's disappearance."  Or "My pain means nothing to a man so filled with hate.  At least my pain is external.  His pain will always be internal, eternally damned to live with the truth of what he did to my parents."

 

You might even toss in a little foreshadowing of how she plans to escape.  "Now I recognize this place!  And the mailman always comes by between twelve and one o'clock.  And Mr. Tungston has the sharpest eyes of any mailman I've ever known."

 

Good Luck!

"I'm a writer. I give the truth scope." Chaucer (character) in movie "A Knight's Tale"
Distinguished Correspondent
BLUEICEGAL
Posts: 1,846
Registered: ‎06-25-2008
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Re: Kill me later, A little prologue I wrote, let me know what you think!

beez lmfao u always manage to make me smile hahhaha, dont be silly u know its nothing like that, i think like we shouldnt point out such things, becuase when she mentioned  the facu he was black he was jsut a black man who was the bad guy, he cuda been muslim,  german whatever, but sayin why he got be black  makes the word black man stand out when u know where al equal so dont think of it that way cz then it looks like your trying to make  a issue of what was perfectly innocent, u know?

Wanna know the awesomeness that is moi??? movies, artists, gossip and the latest reviews of your fav books not to mention my upcoming twilight parody that i am currently working on is all here folks!! @ My Blog Fantasy4eva spread the word girls :smileyhappy:
Fantasy4eva
Correspondent
WriterOfAngels
Posts: 175
Registered: ‎08-09-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Kill me later, A little prologue I wrote, let me know what you think!

I'm sorry If I offended you Bee!!!

 

Write On!

WOA

Kitty will attack anything that moves,
Causing trouble, starting battles just so he can be a part of
He’s the meanest little kitty so we named him Sparta!
~ Mean Kitty Song (smpfilms, I own nothing.)
Inspired Correspondent
Flowering
Posts: 207
Registered: ‎11-15-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Kill me later, A little prologue I wrote, let me know what you think!

who cares, jk rowling used the term "black" to describe one of her characters. Anyone who reads the Harry Potter books would know how very passionatly Miss Rowling is agianst intolerance. 

Basically, its just a way to describe, not a way to discriminate.

Wordsmith
YeLLoWmisT
Posts: 210
Registered: ‎10-15-2009
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Re: Kill me later, A little prologue I wrote, let me know what you think!

Okay. First of all, I love it WOA! I've just read the prologue, but the prologue is MORE than enough to prove that the book would be fascinating and full of complicated actions..... Love it!

 

 

Then second, Flowering, who's the blacj guy on Harry Potter? I've read books 1-6, and wasn't aloud to read the 7.... Felt soo miserable.... just for a while anyway.  So, who's the black? :smileyvery-happy:

Hey guys, check this out:

http://www.storywrite.com/
It's cool! :smileyvery-happy:
Inspired Correspondent
Flowering
Posts: 207
Registered: ‎11-15-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Kill me later, A little prologue I wrote, let me know what you think!

There is Kingsley Shacklebolt, and Dean Thomas. They are recognized as black.

Correspondent
WriterOfAngels
Posts: 175
Registered: ‎08-09-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Kill me later, A little prologue I wrote, let me know what you think!

* sigh of relief*

Kitty will attack anything that moves,
Causing trouble, starting battles just so he can be a part of
He’s the meanest little kitty so we named him Sparta!
~ Mean Kitty Song (smpfilms, I own nothing.)