Let me please know what you think =)

[_mOonSeeKer_]

I got the idea of this poem on my birthday, but started writing it after a couple of days. Please let me know your honest opinion/s..your opinions helped me in my writings so please take the time to read this. Thank you.

A Moment of Bliss

Have you ever felt so happy

You feel like you’d burst?

Have you ever felt so loved;

You’re always the first?

Have you felt so free

Like a tree;

No need to hide,

I just have to be me?

Oh, you should have seen me that day!

I felt so triumphant,

Everything’s on my way.

For once in my life

I could smile again.

I just wished it would last

As long as a train.

But, sad to say, it didn’t.

Like Cinderella,

At the stroke of midnight:

Back to reality.

The very next morning

Everything tumbled to pieces.

My bright world

Turned dark with creases.

I tried to cover the ruins

With the memories of yesterday,

But it only made my heart

Feel cold and gray.

Bliss – that’s what I’ve tasted

And I couldn’t help but want for more.

I resolved to be patient:

Happiness is what I’ve been waiting for.

~~~~~~~~

I hope you like it. =)

[_mOonSeeKer_]

what do you think? is there anything I need to change..?

[redheart52]

43 veiws and no one commented... grrr... Well fine. I shall be the first! Moonseeker, I think your writing has grown... i lovedd loveddd lovedd the line that went "like cinderella, at the stroke of midnight; back to reality." I liked the rhyming pattern and how you kept it constant throughout your poem. Question: why did u get the idea of this poem on ur birthday? OH and I Didn't know it was ur birthdayyyy?!?!

[_mOonSeeKer_]

thank you so much redheart!

I got the idea of this poem on my birthhday because I wasn't feeling very happy weeks before my birthday, in fact I was feeling pretty depressed...and then on that day - my biirthday - things suddenly changed..my family treated me as if I'm special..they do everything I want or rather, requested.. I was exubrant..it had been a special day for me, for on that day, I feel happy - again (which rarely happens). But then the next day, everything again changed...as I said, "back to reality"...I felt depressed again..I tried to fight back, you know to feel happen again..but the magic didn't come back..I was the sad girl again..

thank you ssoooo much redheart, you don't know what this means to me..receiving comments are one of the few things that make me happy these days..so I'm really grateful..

[YeLLoWmisT]

*sigh. You know Moon, I don't LIKE your poem. I LOVE your poem! My favorite part in your poem is when you said, " For once in my life I could smile again. I just wish  it would last as long as a train." And why????? it's simply because I felt the same.....

So all in all, thumbs up and keep it up!

[_mOonSeeKer_]

thank you yellowmist!! =)

[marilynpsychic]

Hi Moon!

Very nice!  And everyone can identify with being on-top-of-the-world one day (like being the center of attention on a birthday).  Followed by the inevitable let-down the next day, when we're back to being just ordinary again.

I especially liked your lines "My bright world / Turned dark with creases".  That's a truly original way of saying that your "bliss" bubble or balloon burst/deflated, after your Special Day.  Excellent!

You also used rhyme, which takes a little more word-crafting skill, to rhyme and still stick to your theme.

Good Luck!

[_mOonSeeKer_]

thank you thank you! that is the nicest thing I've ever heard from anyone before..thank you thank you!

Yes, I always use rhymes in my poems though sometimes it's hard to find the right words - words that would truly rhyme.. I'm so glad you liked my poem.. thank you!