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Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Lion Hunter

I know. I should finish my other storys first. But this one has been nagen me for a bit. So I was hoping to have some feedback. Tell me if you think it stinks or not. Thanks! Justa moment
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Lion Hunter

[ Edited ]
John rested his right hand on his bone knife. He recalled the memory of the tribe leader gifting it to him after he had saved the mans son from a deadly snake. John scaned the dry plain for the massive lion that was so told whom had lived in this land. He had his douts. John, however, would never turn down a hunt. He hear a slight rustle twenty yards off to his left. He turned slow raising the butt of the heavy rifle to his thick shoulder. Then he nere gasp in shock. There he was the massive lion! John took careful aim. One shot no pain, lights out. Just behind the ear. He quickly checked his shot and the back ground like any hunter should. Then his life changed. When John pulled the triger the deafening shot the kick of the recoil the carfuly aimed 500 S&W . All told him he had the kitty baged. And only a single shot his life also depended on it. But after those few moments when he should have seen the lion drop. Instead the lion stood it morphed into a twisted half human half lion beast! John could only freeze in fear. The lion turned tward him. Hunter is now the pray he thought. Fumbleing tring to reload before the beast caught him. But his shaking hands couldn't pull the empty caseing. "Stupid 'uman" came a gruff sound. Couldn't be! John thought and looked up just in time to see the beast rip the gun from his hands and toss it away like usless trash. John back steped tring to run. The beast keeped on him "Wher you go? I just found my new toy!" At the last word the beast grabed John by the throat. He squirmed and fought for air. But it only humored the beast. Its laughter played terror on Johns ears. Then out of desperation John drew the bone knife and plunged it into the beasts chest. The suden act surrprized both of them perhaps more so for John. But the suden air as he feel to the ground. It was all he could do was greedly take in air. The beast laughed all theharder " tis can't urt me little man tis a pet. . . Wha. . . Arrrg! " The beast droped to his knees and pulled the blood slicked knife. "Kain bone! Where dis yoush gets it?" the beast said death was taking its victim. John crawled away as the body shimered and morphed again. But this time it was a human! John grabed his knife and the gun as he fled the hunt. But somthing told him he needed a bigger gun.
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Distinguished Correspondent
BookishBlonde
Posts: 113
Registered: ‎06-27-2011

Re: Lion Hunter

[ Edited ]

Fascinating concept and a good beginning. I'm presuming this is a first draft but even so I'd like to see a cleaned up version with more attention to the details of spelling and grammar as I find the more glaring errors really distracting from the narrative and in some places make it difficult to follow the narrative. (But maybe that's just me?) I think the second sentence would read better with the words "the memory of" removed, it feels redundant and "He recalled the tribe leader gifting it to him..." would convey the same information in a more concise manner. Also, you might try substituting the word "amused" for "humored" in the sentence "But it only humored the beast." The phrase as it is implies John is doing something only to play along with the beast and not that the beast finds John's struggle humorous. All that being said, I'd love to see more of this and find out where it's heading!

Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Re: Lion Hunter

Thank you very much! Yes your sugestions sound better. I know my spelling and grammar are terrible. But I'm half way to a laptop and then its no excuses cuz I'll have spell check and all that. Anyway. Uh yeah the details are lacking because I cut a lot out. It was a scribled idea and I'm glad you like it. So far. :smileyvery-happy:. Thanks again. I'll edit it a bit and repost a better one soon.
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Author
Zkullis
Posts: 252
Registered: ‎07-21-2011

Re: Lion Hunter

Hello GS!

 

I would like to echo what BookishBlonde said.  The premise of what you wrote definitely piqued my interest!  However, like BookishBlonde, the grammar and spelling can make things a little tough to read.

 

Not having a word processor can make things more difficult, but I think many of us rely a little too much on spell check programs.  Please let me point out a few words that a spell check program would not have flagged.

 "hunter is now the pray".  The word pray would not be picked up because it is spelled correctly, but is not the right word given the context.  "prey" is what you would want.  This is a problem that I think all authors run across at some point, if not frequently.

 

Homonyms can cause problems for all of us!  Keep it up GS, let's see more of this story!!  Like I said, I really like the idea, so if you tighten up the spelling and work on grammar, I think you have something really fun here!

 

Zack...

Smite the Damned. http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Smite-The-Damned/Zack-Kullis/e/2940012784445 The sequel, Realm Crossing, to be released soon.
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Re: Lion Hunter

Thank you! I thought it might grab your eye. Well I'm working on posting some more now. I'm going to post small paragraphs ata time. I ment to do so last night but the story griped me and I was done before I thought to stop. Well I hope the next parts better. The continued parts though will not be tonight. Unless I get restless and can't sleep till I do . . .
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Lion Hunter, part I

John rested his right hand on his bone knife. Recalling the tribe leader that gifted it to him for saving the leaders son from a deadly Cobra. Johns eyes scaned the dry empty plains. For the 'massive' lion. Whom was so told lived in this land. John had his doutsbut turning down any hunt. Was not in his book. . .
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Re: Lion Hunter, part I

A light rustle twenty yards off to his right. Brought his wondering mind back to the present. Turning slow and raising the butt of the heavy rifle to his thick shoulder. John near gasp in shock. There! The lion lived and massive was the right word he never seen the likes of this big boy. Before it was gone. John quickly checked for others. He heard nor seen any. Strange. Perhaps it dosen't play well. John smirked to himself.
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Re: Lion Hunter, part I

[ Edited ]
Aiming careful checking his target and the back ground like any good hunter. John slid the safety off and sighted down the cold barrel. Just behind the ear, one shot, no pain, lights out. His life also depended on it being a single shot. But as he pulled the triger. Johns life changed for ever. The deafening shot, the kick of a 500 S&W. John waited for the kitty to drop "bagged" he wispered. Then fear and confusion swallowed him. The lion shimered. Morphed into a twisted half lion half human beast. It turned his way looking strait to johns eyes and charged. He fummbled running backwards and trying to reload with shakeing hands. He couldn't pull the empty brass before the gun was tore from his grasp.
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Distinguished Correspondent
BookishBlonde
Posts: 113
Registered: ‎06-27-2011

Re: Lion Hunter, part I

GS, glad to see you're still working on this! Just wanted to say I agree with Zach, don't count on a spell-check program. You're better off investing in a good dictionary and taking the time to look up anything that looks questionable. As he pointed out, a spell-checker will not catch sound alike words or typos that coincidentally result in a correctly spelled but out of context word. I've only ever used one word processing program that had a "grammar-check" and that was business focused and next to useless for fiction writing as it did not have the flexibility to assess language being used creatively. [You could type in a passage taken verbatim from a great literary work and it would flag 50% of the sentences as incorrect!] Again, find yourself a good grammar handbook and proof read some of your work with it in hand. You don't have to spend a lot of money, there are several that are available for less than $15. I would suggest Strunk and White, or if you can find it A Brief Handbook of English [authored by Willis/Klammer]. I think you'll find it greatly improves both style and clarity. Carry on undaunted!

Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
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Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Re: Lion Hunter, part I

The beast stood tall "Stupid 'uman" was a rough garbled voise. John's eye grew wide. Impossible! He turned hide and ran from the beast. The beast threw the rifle like useless trash and with three strides caught up with John "where you go? I found a new TOY!" with the last word the beast grabed Johns throat and shook him like a rag doll. Before bringing Johns face up to its own. John fought ans squirmed but his atempts were only amusing the beast. Its laughter played terror on his ears. Johns sight was near black. Hunter is now the prey he thought. Then to Johns own surrprize. Be it desperation or the unknow. John drew the knife and plunged it into the beasts chest up to the hilt. The beast droped John. Greedly taking air and doing his best to crawl way.
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Re: Lion Hunter, part I

[ Edited ]
The deep growl of the beast rattled Johns teeth. "You. Tis can't 'urt me. Wor . . . wor. . . " the beast fell to its hands and knees. It jurked the blade and fear was clear in its viose "Kain bone! Whees dish . .gets is? . ." The beast took a heavy breath and collapsed. Death had another victim. John sat there in shock and still rubbing his throat. Then the beasts body shimmered and morphed again but it morphed into a human! John jumped to his feet and took back his bone blade found his rifle and ran. He never ran as fast as he did that day. . .
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Re: Lion Hunter, part I

I hope you guys like that a little better. I'll have to think what comes next.
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Re: Lion Hunter, part II

Finnaly John reached the small village. His legs gave out and he tummbled head over heels. On his back Johns burning lungs begged for air. He tasted blood from his dry raw throat. The villagers slowly aproched. John felt a dissyness and blacked out.
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Wordsmith
Jefferson_Thomas
Posts: 462
Registered: ‎08-04-2010

Re: Lion Hunter, part I

Hey, BookishBlonde, if I could give you more than one Laurel for recommending Strunk and White, I would have!  Of course, a few parts of it are hopelessly outdated, especially the original 1918 version, which can be downloaded for free, but it's still a GREAT resource for this kind of mistake we all make!

 

And GS, I second what everyone already said:  I LIKE your idea; keep experimenting with it! 

 

Jeff

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GS2991
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Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Re: Lion Hunter, part I

Thank you! I'm just happy its being enjoyed.
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Re: Lion Hunter, part II

Johns eyes featherd open he couldn't see well but he made out that he was in a mud hut. John squesed his eyes shut not wanting to wake to his pounding head. He heard a footstep come in side. A suden cold bucket of water stole Johns air. He sat bolt upright spiting out unwanted wake up. "What the hell?!" He screamed instantly wincing. Hi tender throat was a fire. The trible leader stood with a childish grin he pionted at his bucket and pionted at john. Speaking his tougue. John's temper cooled off and he took stock of the small hut. Mud walls a table covered in dirty papers, and a straw bed that he layed on. Simple but it wasn't as bad as he was told. The leader droped the bucket and rumiged his papers grunting disapiontment untill he found a rather old piece. Happy he took it to John chating away excitedly. John took the paper and he couldn't belive what he saw. . .
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
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Re: Lion Hunter, part II

. . . It was Him! Or it looked like him. The picture was to old to be him. But the man was standing over a beast just like the one he killed. John didnt know what to think. The bone knife was on the mans hand too. It was just like the one he had. The leader slaped John in the back binging his mind back to Earth. He gasp not realising he was holding his breath. "Killabest killabest!" The leader said over and over. John listend tring to make out the poor english. "Kill the beast?" He ask. The leader jumped nodding "killabest! Sevwefreeeee!!" John frowned tring to prosses this new info. I just came for a hunt, now look what shit I've gotten into. John stood rubbing his headit was pounding so hard he could the blood thrum through his ears. Turning back to the other he tried to understand the brokenrecord of a man. "Kill the beast I got that part . . . Is your people hunted by this thing? I killed it now I need to go home." John began to gather his few things but the leader slaped his arm "nu nu mo killa big best wd be nu slav" Johns heart stoped "you so did not say theres more" to his dimay the leader nodded happly. John shook his head "aw crap" . . .
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!