My sudden problem (help!)

[Inwytia]

I've been writing this short story recently and have been having a blast with it.  I dare say, I'm quite proud of it.  It's pretty long when it comes to short stories, I suppose; longer than the story I've already put up here.  Early critcism has been positive and I've been able to respond well to most problems that have popped up.  But there is one issue that has me stumped.

There are a number of instances in the story where I am lacking the impact I desire.  My early readers have all said the same thing and have been able to point out exactly where I fell short.  The problem is that I've exhausted all of my available tricks for this kind of situation.  I've asked my friends but the only advice they have are the same three choices.  "Sudden, Suddenly, All of a sudden"  I've used these enough already and I absolutely will not use them again.  I do not want my story to become repetitive and unimaginative.

If anyone knows any solutions to using the same three choices over and over again besides a thesaurus (which I have already used), I could really use the advice.

[Winch]

Sometimes you have to just rip apart the whole sentence and try again.  I'll usually just delete the sentence and read the paragraph before it.  When I get to the blank spot, I already know the gist of what's supposed to be there, so I just fill it in with what naturally fits into the paragraph up to that point.  Short of that, I've resorted to passive voice, or even using a thesaurus and reworking the entire sentence to match the new word.  Hope this helps.

[BLUEICEGAL]

hey i dont really comment much on the writing thread but urs caught my eye, can really get from where ur comming fom, even though im nowhere near good yet to write a full on story im doing a add on  on teen reads which i love, so i can se how stressfull it can get , i know wht u mean that does tend to happen when u want to bring in a shocker but the only thing you can mange to say is all of a suden our writing styles will obvs be different but i dont even know if this helps but you could try something like... urmmm

"i walked down the stairs only to see that everything seemed a little fuzzy something didnt feel right even when i felt the goosbumps started prickling all over me, i took no notice, and made my way towards my parents who were happily have dinner with my brother and sister, i stood there for a min really taking it in, and letting the whole realistion settle in, only when id realised and finally accepted the situation did my whole world turn pside down, "i didnt exist i never did" i wispered softly to myself as my face started to streak with tears, and looked down a my bare hands clutched into angry fists, and then  bit by bit,i felt it,  it wasnt painful, but almost like a burden had been lifted living a lie, a part of me had always known i didnt belong here, and then i started to fade

ok that was just on the top of my head and i got a little carried away but as u can see i made a ending with a twist without any all of a suddens so it can be done, just think it through and concentrate dont worry itll  come to you, im not much of a writer but my imagination makes up for it so we all have our weaknesses just learn how to work and improve on them, hope i helped in any way good luck!! and let me know wht you come up with

[Brandi_R]

Instead of looking for a word or phrase to create the mood, include a striking image to create that impact. You might even experiment with different ways of putting words together to create urgency. Anything you can do to put the reader in the moment will help. Take this sentence:

When she opened the door, she found a man sitting in an arm chair. It was hard to see him in the dark.

Pretty ho hum, right? Maybe this is a bit better:

The door knob was cold against her palm. The room was smudged with shadow. In the corner, a fleeting glint of light. Were those eyes?
 

A bit more energy.

Feel free to post a specific passage for even more specific advice.

[marilynpsychic]

Hi Inwytia!

You don't need an "impact word/phrase" to shock or surprise your reader.  You just need to say something shocking/surprising, without using "suddenly" at all.  Maybe a sudden twist in your story, or a bit of foreshadowing.  It's all about crafting a great sentence, and is best as the first or closing sentence to a paragraph.

BAD "Suddenly she swerved, but still hit the deer in the road."

BETTER "As tears fell and her thoughts tumbled, about whether or not her avoidance of John had contributed to his suicide, another endangered life form flashed in front of her speeding car."

BEST "Tears blurring her vision, her chest aching from the impact of John's suicide, another innocent life flashed before her headlights."

Hope this helps!

[Inwytia]

Thanks everyone.  I was finally able to correct the problem.  All of your suggestions were very helpful.  I'll see if I can finish the full story soon for you guys to enjoy.