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youjumpijumpjack
Posts: 4
Registered: ‎06-16-2007
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PLEASE EDIT

Dave’s was relatively uncrowded, and I was able to grab the little table up by the window, a step above every other table in the place. I shrugged my jacket off and reached for a wrinkled dollar bill from my back pocket.
Dave Jr. was already glaring as I inched closer to the counter; he wasn’t exactly known as the town crack-up. His Red Sox cap was placed loosely on the top of his thick, brown hair, and as he wiped down the counter, his beady little eyes locked on mine, I watched as the black Coke-bottle glasses slipped a little lower on his nose.
“Please, Dave Jr.,” I pleaded, thumbing a clean, red and purple mug abandoned on the counter, conveniently just to my left. “Please. Just a large, hazelnut coffee, and that’s it. I promise.”
Dave Jr. reached behind him for the coffee, his eyes still glued to my face, narrowing in even more. He didn’t pour though, instead, placing the opening of the beautiful green coffee pot gently on the rim of my cup.
“You know what this mud does to you, right?” Dave Jr. said, just as he did every time I came in here. He was such a health nut, a person who disliked all unwholesome foods and drinks with a passion; Dave Jr. co-owned a coffee shop, yet he wouldn’t touch the stuff with a ten-foot pole.
“It stunts your growth, contributes to insomnia, and wrecks your nervous system,” I recited, mouthing the words as Dave Jr. vigorously listed them aloud.
“You have a problem,” he said, finally tipping the coffee pot so the steamy black goodness poured into my cup.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I exclaimed, placing my hands on each side of the cup, hot perspiration tickling my palms as I picked it up.
“Junkie,” he garbled when I strutted away, sipping the coffee and smiling as it flowed down my throat.
When I finally emerged from euphoria and back in front of my table, there was a girl already occupying it, her feet rhythmically tipping the opposite chair side to side as she finished off a bottle of Dr. Pepper.
“Lily!” I exclaimed, sliding my cup of coffee onto the table and giving my friend a hug.
“Hey,” she replied dismally, a limp rag between my arms. I moved across from her, her feet falling off the chair just before I sat down.
Lily’s wispy blonde hair was swept up into a short ponytail, and it bobbed up and down as she rocked. Her lips pouted out in that way that meant something was up, and she began to chew on them, passing the empty Dr. Pepper bottle back and forth between her palms.
“Spill,” I said, grabbing the bottle from her and placing it on the floor.
Lily still stared at the table, her eyes locked on a long, squiggly crack. When I kicked her shin with my shoe, she glanced up, suddenly aware of my presence.
“Huh? Oh, its nothing,” she said, smiling. “I just have to work another double-shift today, that’s all.”
When I raised my eyebrow at her, totally unconvinced, she caved, sighing and shrugging her shoulders.
“Plus I have to pick up some stuff for dinner, take my car to get the oil changed, and do two loads of laundry by the time my mom gets home at six.”
I laughed. Lily was my best friend, and I loved her to death, but she could be a major drama queen.
“Don’t worry about the car and the food,” I told her, tossing the Dr. Pepper bottle at her forehead until she finally look me in the eye, grinning just a bit. “Give me your keys; I’ll drop the car off at Randall’s, then I’ll pick up some Chinese food and stick it in your fridge. All you’ll have to do is heat it up, and do the laundry.”
Lily’s face softened, her green eyes finally perking up; she was cured. “Thank you so much, Rory,” she said.
“No problem. So, why do you have to work another double-shift?” I asked, grinning as Dave Jr. screamed like a little girl, a big brown coffee stain splashed on the front of his otherwise stark-white T-shirt. “That was your third one this week.”
Lily watched him too, Dave Jr. giving us the evil eye when he saw we were staring. “I know,” Lily said, her focus turning to me. “Janice quit, again, and Lanny’s on vacation in Colorado until Thursday.”
“And what about Graham?” I asked, taking a big gulp of my coffee.
“What about him?”
“Was he there?”
Tracing her finger along the crack in the table, Lily smiled. “Of course, Rory,” she said, grinning when she called me by my full name. “As general manager of the third largest Barnes and Noble in the state, Graham is expected to be at work every day. The guy’s practically a robot.”
I smiled too. “That’s good. That’s good that Graham was there.”
Lily shot me a confused look. “Yes, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to stock the books on the high shelves.”
I turned back to Dave Jr. as he was rubbing his shirt with a wet rag, shouting when he realized it was the one used to clean dirty dishes. “I know, but it also seemed like from the day you guys met there was a little something happening there.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I rolled my eyes, turning to face Lily. “You’re always talking about him. You always seem to be thinking about him. And now with you working so many double-shifts and even doing extra chores for your mom, you’re going to unheard lengths to make a statement to your mother about how you can be responsible and are able to handle everything going on in your life – all roads lead to Graham.”
Lily leaned back in her chair, one arm resting on the end of the shelves to her right. “Rory,” she said, “Graham and I are professionals.”
“I know.”
“Plus, the ‘office space’ highway is littered with casualties of co-workers who have dated, broken up, and caused work to be a living hell to anyone that had the nerve to cross their paths.”
I nodded. “That’s a sensible attitude.”
Lily began thumbing through some magazines on the shelf. “Very sensible, very sensible. Graham and I are very sensible people.” She paused, emerging with a 1976 issue of Rolling Stone, its cover worn and faded. Then she looked at me. “I’m in love with him.”
I grinned. “I know.”
Lily nearly dropped the newly discovered magazine, but slid it onto the table just in time. “Is it that obvious?” she beamed.
“Only to a guy with sunglasses and a dog selling pencils.”
“He’s so cute.”
“Cute,” I agreed. “Definitely cute.”
Lily nodded. “And smart – you know, that’s such a rare package. It’s usually one or the other.”
“It’s wrong, but that’s the way it usually is.”
“It just increases the amount of competition for the Grahams of the world,” she sighed.
“You’re rare too,” I said, wagging my finger at her, “don’t forget.”
Lily reached across the table for my coffee, taking a sip as I glared at her. “I’ve never really felt this way before,” she said. “I mean, I’ve liked other guys, yes. But it’s not just puppy love, you know; it’s different. I mean, I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about him, and when I call him to work out times to help mark the clearance books every weekend, just the ring of his telephone gets me really excited. And last week, someone said Graham at school – it wasn’t even about my Graham, and I almost lost it, I got so shaky.”
I grinned. “My Graham – that’s so cute.”
“Stop it,” Lily said, handing my coffee back.
“This sounds like love to me.”
Lily was floating. “It does, doesn’t it? My first love, wow.”
“Yeah, wow,” I said, placing the cup out of her reach.
“I finally have a first love, like what you and Logan have.”
My elbow thwacked against my coffee cup, splashing sine of the scalding liquid over the sides. “Right…exactly.”
Lily grabbed a handful of napkins from the lime green dispenser. “Of course, I don’t exactly have what you and Logan have because you love Logan and Logan loves you back,” she said, mopping up the spilled coffee and placing the wad of soggy napkins at the edge of the table. “In my situation, I love Graham and Graham thinks that I have a decent book shelving ability.”
I quickly turned my attention elsewhere, Dave Jr. now clad in one of the shop’s I ♥ Java sweatshirts, a sour expression plastered on his face. “Look at Dave Jr.,” I said to Lily, trying to change the subject.
Either Lily wasn’t fully listening or she chose to ignore me. “God, you’re so lucky – to love a guy who actually knows you love him and who loves you back. That’s gotta be the best feeling ever.”
Making a face at Dave Jr. as he shot me a death glare, I pointed in his direction. “Seriously, you’d think he was trying to be Sylvia Plath or something.”
“I want that,” Lily said, that dreamy look in her eyes, “I want that really bad.”
“You’ll have that,” I said; you could never change the subject when it came to Lily. “You will have your perfect first love and second love and any other love you want because you’re great and java junkies will not be denied.”
My words finally being absorbed and digested, Lily grinned, bringing my stolen coffee cup up from under the table, taking a sip. “You should tell that to Dave Jr.,” she said, handing the cup back to me as I wiggled my finger in Dave Jr.’s direction. He sighed audibly, wiping his palms on his jeans and swaggering over to our table.
“Yeah?”
I grinned, knowing exactly what his reaction would be at what I was about to say. “I’d like to order something else,” I said, stifling a laugh as Lily snickered across the table.
Dave Jr.’s head fell, his chin resting on his chest. “You said you only wanted coffee,” he grumbled. “Your exact words were ‘All I want is a large hazelnut coffee. I promise.’”
“This is true,” I replied, shrugging, “But I changed my mind.”
Dave Jr. huffed, rubbing his forehead hard with his left hand; he knew I could dance around anything with him for hours, and he still would never win. It was best for him to just keep quiet.
“Fine. What’ll it be?”
I rubbed my chin, contemplating the decision deeply. “I’ll have a cherry danish.”
Dave Jr. nodded. “Okay, one cherry danish.” He tried to bolt away, but I reached out and grabbed the hood of his sweatshirt. “I wasn’t finished,” I said, smiling ever so sweetly. “I’d also like extra icing.”
“All right,” Dave Jr. said, muttering something under his breath. “One cherry danish with extra icing.”
“And a cherry on top.”
He looked like he was seriously considering ripping off his I ♥ Java sweatshirt and strangling me with it. “There’s cherries in the danish.”
“Then hold the cherries.”
“On top?”
“In the danish.”
I was thirty seconds away from being smacked across the face with one of Dave Jr.’s soy protein bars. “So you want a piece of pastry,” he sputtered.
“With apples.”
“So you want an apple danish, with extra icing.”
“That’s it!” I exclaimed, as if Dave Jr. had just solved my greatest conundrum; he stalked away, grousing incoherently.
Lily and I doubled over with laughter the entire time he was gone, zipping our lips and smiling pleasantly once Dave Jr. returned with my danish, nearly tossing it onto the table and trudging into the back room.
Lily began to say something, instead stopping and kicking me under the table. “Oh, hey, you didn’t tell me Logan was joining us,” she whispered.
“Logan?” I said, turning around. As soon as I did, I was planted on the mouth with a kiss. Logan smiled down at me, his thick blonde hair flecked with flakes of snow.
“Hey, Rory. Guess what: it’s snowing,” Logan said in a singsong voice. “You must be really happy.”
“Uh, yeah,” I said, not exactly listening. “What’re you doing here?”
“I thought I’d just drop by to say hello,” Logan replied.
“How’d you know we were here?”
Logan pulled his sweatshirt over his head, folding it into a ball. “’Cause you’re always here.”
“We’re not always here,” I muttered.
Lily shot me a look, but I didn’t care, deciding to study that ever so interesting crack in the tabletop. “Would you like to join us, Logan?” Lily asked, kicking me in the shin, hard. I stayed silent though, instead taking a swig of coffee.
“Rory?”
Realizing it was Logan talking, I wheeled around to face him. “Huh?”
“Is that okay?” he asked, shifting from side to side.
“Yes. Oh, yes. You don’t have to ask.” I smiled, and Logan seemed to relax, coming around and up the stair to pull up a chair beside me.
Dave Jr. strutted over to our table, his thumbs looped in the pockets of his jeans. “Hey, we’re three,” Lily told him, grinning deviously.
“I did the math,” he grunted, rolling his eyes slightly and turning to Logan. “You gonna eat something?”
“Sure, uh, yeah.” Logan glanced up at the chalkboard by the cash register, scanning through the list of breakfast foods. “I’ll have an apple danish,” he declared.
Lily and I immediately began to giggle uncontrollably, clutching our sides for support.
“You put him up to this?” Dave Jr. demanded.
I tried to calm myself, breathing in and out. “No, I did not,” I managed to get out.
Dave Jr. chose to ignore Lily and I, instead facing Logan. “Sure. And you’re positive that’s exactly what you want.”
Logan squinted, confused. “Yes.”
“But you’ll send it back after I make it, deciding you want something else, right?”
“No!” Logan declared, taken aback.
“Right,” Dave Jr. said, glaring in my direction. “I’ll come back when I have time for this.”
Logan was frozen, as if any sudden movement would elicit Dave Jr. to chuck a coffee pot at his face. “What was that all about?” he asked.
Lily and I grinned simultaneously. “I think it was a little something in your attitude, mister,” she teased.
Frequent Contributor
HoplessRomantic
Posts: 94
Registered: ‎08-03-2007
0 Kudos

Re: PLEASE EDIT

Okay don't hate me but at first I thought Rory was a guy. And he was in love with Lilly hence doing all those things for her.
Maybe change your POV. I am not sure I like the first person here. "I" can get pretty boring as well as confusing.

You Said:
“It stunts your growth, contributes to insomnia, and wrecks your nervous system,” I recited, mouthing the words as Dave Jr. vigorously listed them aloud.
The second line does not say what you mean

It should read:
"D" lectured as I silently mouthed the words. Or something to that effect.

You Said:
When I raised my eyebrow at her, totally unconvinced, she caved, sighing and shrugging her shoulders.
Lilly caves too easy. Silent treatment, glaring at her...

Personal pet peeve
The characters kept repeating themselves:
"Please, please
Thank you, Thank you
That’s good. That’s good"
Stop the madness!
Hey parts of this dialogue remind me of THE GILLMORE GIRLS. The mom begged for her coffee but it was differnt.

You said:
Lily nearly dropped the newly discovered magazine, but slid it onto the table just in time. “Is it that obvious?” she beamed.
Is lilly happy abnout it? Why is she beaming she is a wreck. In love with a guy who doesn't know she exisits. Lilly should be throwing her hands up in dispair ripping her clothes in agony...you get the point.

There really were clever bits of dialogue here. You do have a lot of talent and I look forward to reading more :smileyhappy:
Love
Aspen
â It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.â Said by Mrs. Bennet in Jane Austens Pride and Prejudice